Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Well MrLocal and I seem to be an item after 1 month
We've spent quite a bit of time together of that time
We've deleted the apps . Initiated by him. He's told me he's not seeing or talking to anyone else as he won't/ doesn't what to do that . And he's invited me to something in October!

I accidentally said 'I love you' as I left his house yday 😂 text my friend in a blind panic telling her it was just habit from constantly saying it to my ds . Wasn't sure if he'd heard me so thought the best thing was to screen shot my conversation with my friend to him . Just in case he had heard it, but he hadn't ! 😂😂😂

I've not been on for a while.
Ms iceberg and I are getting along nicely, 'Love You' has been said.
Making plans to move in together for 4 days of the week, she'll move to mine. This isn't going to happen till August.

Reading the forum, personally, I wouldn't say I liked a phone call and meals out, it was all a bit too much, overinvestment. I much preferred coffee or a drink. Then the 2nd date or not. Talking for 3-4 days is a death knell too unless the chat is either hot or intriguing.

@LittleFloatingGhost I don't think younger would work. I'm mid 40s - I think even 40 is too young unless the man already has children. I have found that most men mid 40s and up want to be dating someone significantly younger than them like the nearly 70 year old I went on a date with whose previous partner was in her 30s.

@NervesOfCotton I tried asking someone out on Bumble - never heard anything back. I was ultra casual about it. I'm not going to try that tactic again!

@Harrypewter It's wonderful that you have found something meaningful and lasting.

@qqq82It sounds super promising.

(Though I was there earlier this year with him instigating the exclusivity and deleting the apps and after 3 months of getting on great he said he had absolutely no feelings for me in a text. I do seem to pick them don't I!)

Garysmum Interesting! The men on Bumble seem to scare easily
I'm only dipping in & out on Bumble until my month is up as it's just not working for me, I'm back lingering on my free one (where they aren't scared off if you mention meeting!)

I'm 41 & I'm looking for 40-55. This last one was 47 & that seemed perfect.

qqq82 Look at you! All 'loved' up, happy for you

Harrypewter Aww happy update

I don't mind a video call (although I HATE them!) Luckily I've only done them with men who have been laughing at me feeling all shy, in a nice way! & not wanting to look at the camera & have ended them quickly for my sake! ('There. We are both real. Can we go now?!)

Well Mr Prosecco in bed has suddenly reappeared after months as a ghost.

Thing is I’m fully aware he’s a player so I’m happy to play along with a bit of flirty banter to pass the time knowing we’re never actually going to meet up.

Been chatting to a guy on FB dating who seems really nice, very articulate and actually seems interested in asking me about my life. So let’s see where this goes.

Tbh I’m just enjoying chatting at the mo. No expectations so let’s just go with flow

qqq82

I’m so happy to read this !!! I know you have had very similar with emotionally unavailable previous and it’s made me smile !!

same for harrypewter

goes to show that green shoots exist

Hi all, haven't posted for a while because dating has been rubbish. Chats that turn sleazy very quickly, the ones that don't seem to want to meet and the dates that look nothing like their very out of date photos.

Garysmum I'm having similar issues to you, I think.
I'm open minded about who I chat to/meet but they have to be able to string a sentence together. And anyone who has no hobbies/interests in their life is a no.

I get very few messages and it's rare anyone replies to my messages. My profile is good, up to date photos that are interesting and fun.
But I just can't seem to attract very much interest.

The last date I went on, he complimented me on my profile and how I look like my photos. Date seemed to go very well then the next day he said he just wanted to be friends. Which later he admitted would be fwb 🙄

The only app I'm on now is Match, which runs out in 10 days. I've had zero dates from it despite there being a lot of men I would be interested to chat to. But they don't want to chat to me.

Except this one:
Him - Hi
Me - Hi (matching his level of communication)
Him (30mins later) - Hello 👋
Him (next day) - not want to chat to a cheeky Essex boy then??

I'm now arguing with him about why he feels it was up to me and not him to make the effort to say more.

After this I'm having a break til September. It is messing with my self esteem.

But it's great to hear some are having success.

@NellyTheCake My take on it is always - get the app right. If the apps weren't so expensive I'd try 2-3 at the same time.
2 years ago I used Hinge and Happn (that's a bit odd as it tracks when you are near other users) - both got me a lot of traffic and I wasn't short of people to chat to, meaning there were always one or two who could actually have a decent conversation. I do wonder if the 2021 lockdown increased the traffic.

This year I got barely any interest on Hinge at all. I tried Match briefly two years ago and found it wasn't great but I did meet one (3 month long connection) on Match this year but it's been hopeless over all. I was consistently getting messages from significantly older men who had nothing about them or men barely older than my DC looking for an older woman. I don't think I saw more than 5 even remotely decent profiles in 2 months - and by that I mean recent photos (not 5 similar selfies or crap pictures), an actual bio (not a rant about what they don't want, two sentences etc.) and were even half good looking. Now I'm not that fussy - bald is ok, overweight is ok, skinny is ok, a couple of inches shorter than my 5'10 is ok.
I found tinder this year had a great reach and lots of traffic. But I am very chatty and possibly struggled to keep up when I had several good chats on the go.
Bumble hasn't been kind to me. Some people I have matched with are too far away, and nobody seems to like me!
I've never tried plenty of fish, fb dating etc.

I do think there is something about deleting your profile. Using a new profile with a new main pic and being new to a site - you get lots of more attention so a decent break from any of the sites is worthwhile. I also think feeling fresh, less jaded etc helps.

I might back off for the rest of the summer. It is lovely to hear about good news though.

I've bitten the bullet and joined Facebook dating. I've been completely honest about living situation.
Chatted a bit to someone last night but not feeling it.
I am very out of practice though!

@NervesOfCotton I admitted that I can’t really cook poached eggs and a man who can gets bonus points! Lol.

I am loving reading all the good news updates. And can totally sympathise with everyone getting sleazy chats.
I deleted Tinder on Friday. I had a load of likes but I was irritated. Had a couple of days without chasing much on bumble.
I met up with Mr Surgery yesterday who I was previously unsure about. He is a genuinely lovely guy who gave me so many compliments. To look at him, I don't want to rip his clothes off. But he has good values, I feel safe with him and secure. Unsure about whether to try things with him. He's pretty chilled apparently and would like to DTD. It's not that I don't fancy him, it just feels deeper rather than that "fuckboy"attraction that usually grabs me. Anyone know what I mean?

Great to catch up with all of your dating tales. It really is like navigating a minefield on the dating apps isn't it, but great to hear of some dates going well. I was on Hinge a couple of months ago and really did not get on well with it, I wonder if it depends on whether you're in a big city?

I'm on Bumble (paid for a month) at the mo and finding it much better than when I was on it last summer, it's odd how things change. I'm also on Match but finding that difficult, I met my previous partner on Match (lasted 2 years), but, again, it seems such hard going this time around.

I've notice a lot of men either get stuck in the friendly friendly zone, or go from nice chats on the phone to suddenly crazy sexting/video calls/dick pics! Where is the happy medium?

I'm chatting to a couple of guys and we're on Whatsapp now, I will always suggest meeting up if theyre slow on the uptake, I can't be arsed to hang around waiting for them! One seems really nice but is away at the mo so hopefully meet when he's home. I've a second date with someone tomorrow but I'm in two minds about him, can't decide whether he's a player or not!

Was also talking to another guy, chatted loads on Bumble, swapped numbers chatted a fair bit, he even suggested a venue for a first date then, this morning asked 'are you vaccinated?' I replied 'yes' and he came back and said 'sorry not interested in anyone who's vaccinated' 🙄😆, it doesn't bother me either way but what gets me is the fact there's nothing in his bio to say he's anti-vax and he never bothered asking til we'd swapped numbers, surely if it was that important he would have asked a lot earlier. Honestly, sometimes I despair!!

Good luck to anyone with dates tonight.

@Thewildthingsliveatmyhouse yes, I know exactly what you mean! I've had dates with people who I really like but can't decide whether I fancy them or not or whether it's worth a second or third date. My new rule of thumb is, would I like to snog them?! If it's yes then, hopefully, we have a kiss and then I can tell whether I feel something, I find a kiss really helps with that decision!!

If I'm ever undecided, I generally opt for a second date as I think it's more relaxed than the first and chatting is easier.

Ms Iceberg and I just met up on our first meeting and had sex, no date nothing.
Drive to hotel-meet in the carpark-had sex in the room-hottub-sex-meal-sex-sleep-breakfast-drive home.
We did have a break for a meal in the restaurant though.
Try that.😂
Saves faffing about for days on end.😂
I don't think if we marry it would be a great how did you meet story.

Garysmum I've tried all the apps, I think
Recently I've been on tinder, bumble, pof & match.
Tried Hinge but there was literally no one within 40 miles in my age limit
Tinder usually works best.
Bumble is very annoying with distance. I paid for a month and all the likes were miles away. Some were the other end of the country. I complained & Bumble told me it's because no one local likes me 😆

I live in a small city, I know there are plenty of men using the apps.

I've done revamps of my profile. Deleted and started again but I'm still struggling. Nothing new, I've been on & off apps for the best part of 10yrs now.

Fbook dating is the only one I haven't tried because I'm not on fbook

@Garysmum Long term poster turned lurker here

Your post about only finding emotionally unavailable men struck a chord with me.

Have you read Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl?

The long and short of the book is that you are the problem, you are emotionally unavailable which is why you are picking these men.
I got the shock of my life when I read the book to try to better understand an ex partner and realised that it was me that was the issue😱
I went on to have 6 months of counselling which really helped and I'm in a better place now.
Such a great book that all women who are dating should read.

@SortingItOut useful insight thank you. I think 2 years ago you would have been correct. But I've had therapy since then, done the work and I think the current situation is different.

I am definitely trying to pick available men serious about dating etc. A good example was one who was very good at talking about how things were going between us. And I was communicating back etc. We agreed to delete the apps and become exclusive and I was very much on board - but he was the one with "no feelings whatsoever" and text dumped me out of the blue after some months.
I just seem to find men who give out all the right signs, say all the right things and then aren't who they say they are. I have boundaries and moral values, look after myself, talk about feelings and allow myself to be vulnerable. Yet I think this time it's been a run of bad luck. Out of the 4 this year, only 1 was a case where I know I should have been more aware.

I think the view of some posters is that somehow it's always "your" fault - it's a very neoliberal way of looking at why things wrong - sometimes it's you sometimes it's "them" would be more balanced surely, rather than taking all the blame onto yourself.

The fact is OLD is full of very broken and jaded individuals and you're trying to find a needle in a haystack....

@Garysmum i think you've just been unlucky Once you start having good boundaries and trying to choose wisely, the pool becomes very small indeed

My date tonight cancelled after saying he had a bad day. It just feels like a bit of a cop out tbh and expect to be unmatched imminently.
I think I am going to grab a bottle of wine and watch a film tonight.

@CheesecakeAddict it means he cant be bothered or has someone else he prefers to see. Definitely worth unmatching.

Yes Pushka! So that's what I did on the first date, I asked if he wanted to kiss me as he wasn't forthcoming. The kiss was lovely. And we did kiss a lot on the second date yesterday. So there is definitely chemistry. I guess I'm just used to guys asking me back to theirs on a second date!
I've asked him when he'd like to see me again so we'll see what he comes back with, previously he was too busy to arrange anything 😬

Oh no Cheesecake! That sucks. Well I agree with the pp, sounds like he has someone else. I'd unmatch before he does. Rule that one out and move on. Hope you're ok!

@CheesecakeAddict 🍷 x

@Thewildthingsliveatmyhouse ooo that's great the kiss was good! Fingers crossed he'll get back to you soon for a third date 🤞

My (2nd) date for tomorrow has been postponed til next week, annoying but, so be it, his apology seemed truthful, but we'll see.