Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Passmethpens I think he's saying he doesn't want to risk sitting through a meal if the chemistry isn't there OR he doesn't want to potentially spend money again if no chemistry.

@Passmethpens yeah I think he is just making an excuse to get out of a meal. Meals tend to be longer and I think on first dates you need that early get-out opportunity in case there is no spark (or they are a cat/kittenfish)

Ahh ok.
Well he replied saying lunch or dinner?
I might say lunch but offer a walk or a coffee as an alternative?

@Passmethpens - personally I hate dinner to be involved for a first date as it’s harder to get a good conversation going with good interruptions.

Id rather have a casual coffee/drink and take it from there

@LittleFloatingGhost

I much prefer to get talking on the phone to someone. I absolutely hate messaging. I find it so stilted and awkward and very difficult to get a feel of someone just from typed words. I’d rather hear their voice and see if it glows.

I think my biggest problem is I really don’t know exactly what I want. I’m positive about what don’t want, which is a start, but if I was asked what my ideal endgame is I really don’t know.
Being totally honest, I’m looking for something more than FWB but nothing that’s a full on relationship at this point which makes it very hard to describe.

Maybe a FWB+ would be my ideal but I can’t even think about kissing someone let alone sex unless there’s a real connection - I just can’t do something casual.

And going out with friends to a festival yesterday made me realise what I already knew that I’ve such an introvert around people I don’t know. My mates chatting away to loads of randoms meanwhile I just danced in my own space sunglasses on not making eye contact with anyone. That’s never going to help me meet anyone - I might be beyond help lol

@CheesecakeAddict agree with the age thing and being comfortable being single. It’s quite an empowering and confident place to be!

@SamW98 I get you!! I was initially looking for FWB+, everything but the potential to commit. I am a little wary of long term as I am scared of being hurt again as it took so long for me to get back on my feet after my ex.

You are not beyond help!! Lol. There may be things you can practice to build confidence (Google?!) which may help.

So evening date with new iron in a pub. Would you dress up, go in my work clothes (smart but clearly not gone out of my way to get smart for the date, iyswim) go jeans and a nice jumper (Arctic conditions due here tomorrow)

I was like this after my divorce. I ended up with a palate cleanser who despite never being serious destroyed me. Don't tiptoe around the heartbreak because it's not pleasant but is a natural human emotion that we need to learn to effectively work through. The inability to do that, and the pure need to avoid it, is how people end up settling and staying in unhappy relationships.

I’m actually a very confident outgoing person among my own circle but I’ve always been naturally quite private and kept myself within my own lane so striking up conversations with strangers is way outside my normal behaviour. It’s hard to explain to anyone else but I just stay inside my own zone when I’m out and tend not to even be aware of anyone else around other than those I’m with. So I’ve never been someone who starts chatting to randoms everywhere I go. My mum said I was aloof which maybe that’s how it comes across to people.

@SamW98 Ah, I understand - sorry. When I was younger my mum said something along the lines of my face makes me look unapproachable (clearly resting bitch!) 😂😂

Which is very different to being aloof, but just reminded me.

Thanks @CheesecakeAddict you are so right. I am dipping my toes in and holding back. Had a little cry today, as, well I am not sure why. I wasn’t sad, really pleased to be single, but still figuring stuff out.

Dated two people since I became single, one immediately after (which was painful!) and Mr Music. Mr Music is open to seeing what happens and is ready for a relationship. I wasn’t sure if I was emotionally available - He is also bloody lovely and after last week’s date I asked if we were on the same page about only sleeping with each other, which he said he was. Probably why I cried as I am a little cautious, excited and nauseous all at the same time!

I’m back. I had a break from the apps for a couple of months. Went back on 10 days ago and it’s been dire.
Two dates with significantly older (15-20 years)men, both weren’t that interesting and no spark. Never heard from either again so assume the feeling was mutual.
Might have had a fwb for over 2 months but like my last 3 (3-4 month) dating things, he was emotionally unavailable.
I’ve spent some time trying to figure out why I’m only attracting these types / attracting nobody on this new app. Photos and profiles reviewed by friends/close colleagues etc. - apparently I sound like great fun! And I’m super open minded about who I will chat to.

The good thing, I’ve stuffed my life with more activities and things I love to do. I’m the most mentally self aware and balanced I’ve ever been. Yet it’s not an attractive trait!

Garysmum

well done ! On the activity ! Not the crap dates

keep at it and maybe dating is a slow burn 🔥

also with the last two dates , did you get any inkling ? And why so much older ?

im just curious as sounds like dating aside your in a good place

@Thisisworsethananticpated i decided that I would expand the age range - I’ve not had luck with my age- mid 40s. I expanded the age to 70 to see what happened. One was late 60s - had 2 primary school age children, I don’t think I was young enough for him! He was unbelievably intelligent, we got on well via text.
The other also got on well via text and calls. He clearly didn’t fancy me.
It might be because I’m super active but am a size 14 but they’d see that from the recent photos!

I am very open minded with dating - age, background, career, looks, etc. There just needs to be that x-factor which I found 4 times in under a year with emotionally unavailable men.
Now I can’t even find one to chat to! But I’m going to have to try tinder and feeld again. Both were good before.

I tried Bumble speed dating & got chatting to this man but I asked if he'd be interested in meeting for a date & he said 'Your keen'.
So I said 'I didn't mean right this second just if the chat keeps going well'.

& He said 'Just talk as friends'.

I'm not looking for friends

Does it bother anybody else when they say you are too keen to arrange a date?

Just really winds me up! Like it's so wrong for the woman to suggest a date or something? Or if you suggest a date after chatting for less than a week/day/month then you are seen as desperate? I hate it! Grrrr.

I was never called too keen before I joined Bumble. Now all of a sudden I've heard it 4 times in a week!

LittleFloatingGhost I hear you & I'm the same. Sometimes we just need those little cries don't we, I hope you are ok tonight.

Garysmum

well I’d say 4 strong connections (albeit with EU men ) isn’t bad going actually

whilst I hate cliches 🐠 🌊

no loss if he spelt you're as your.
TWAT
But Yes i wouldn't ask a guy out.
The ones who are serious are quick to set up a date.
you've got to be ruthless with chatting. After a few days no progress( ie no mention of meeting. let them go

Myfabby Yes I wrote it as he spelt it!

I'm happy to ask first but maybe I'm asking too quickly then?

When men have asked me before 'Would you consider meeting' I've been happy to say either yes or no & then we've continued chatting until I'm ready/Either of us decide we don't want to after all.

@NervesOfCotton too keen?! Lol. Why else be on an app if not to meet? That would drive me potty!

I am fine, just a natural over thinker and life 😅😂😂

@Garysmum you do sound like you’re in a great place. If you are open to expand your age range, have you considered younger?

Thanks LittleFloatingGhost And if you ever find a cure for overthinking then let me know

Do you ask the man first or wait to be asked?
I tend to judge it on the amount & content of the messages rather than a specific timeframe.

I normally wait to be asked but in the same breath, if I feel we are getting too chatty I.e. too much chat with no meet up in sight, I will unmatch. Yours is probably a more sensible way.

Oh I don't know CheesecakeAddict, My way isn't working either

@NervesOfCotton It varies. With Mr Music I asked him after talking about what we were looking for. I have never had anyone say I was too keen, did have someone imply I can’t cook (so I unmatched him!).

I don’t follow rules that the man should ask first. If I get a good vibe or intrigued I’ll suggest a drink - even a short, ‘I have an hour or so gap between meetings’ for a quick coffee.

LittleFloatingGhost Aah, that's the same as me then!
Why did he say you can't cook? That's a bit mean!