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Original poster

Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

984 replies

PinkIdentity · 08/05/2023 13:02

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
cytase · 01/07/2023 14:03

I’ve deleted the apps and I’m going to take a break from dating I think. The last guy I was seeing has really knocked my confidence even though I was only seeing him for a few months. I don’t know why I’m taking this break up harder than when my last long term relationship ended!

I’m going to go to speed dating the week after next since I’ve already paid for the ticket then I think I’m going to take a few months off and focus on me.

Dating is really stressing me out at the minute, I’m 31 and feel like I don’t have the time to keep taking breaks but equally OLD is really exhausting isn’t it!

Mumtolittleorange · 01/07/2023 14:42

I set up a profile on Bumble months ago but haven't actually used it until I realised this week that you don't have to pay to message 🤦‍♀️

I've sent a cou

Mumtolittleorange · 01/07/2023 14:45

Sorry. I always press post too soon by accident and I don't know how to delete posts? I am clearly a technology numpty!
Anyway... have sent a couple of messages. Not really feeling it but how on earth else will I ever meet someone?! Spent two years on Match and although I had a couple of brief flings, it didn't come to anything. It's just so complicated isn't it. I also a lone parent, working FT, and it's just so hard to actually find the time to date!

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 20:10

Mr Absent sent a message, after I'd deleted him, breaking whatever we were doing off. He's a cock. I'm pretty sure I was being strung along and used from the offset and I'm more upset about him sending the message than when I deleted him this morning. Any novice shrinks around with any ideas why that might be 😅.

Anyway this is what I have learnt about myself:

  1. I want more children so will only date guys who want children.
  2. Messaging and communicating is important to me, even early on. If I'm dating someone, I need to see they are interested in getting to know me.

I realise the 2nd one isn't everyone's cup of tea but I've realised it's what I need.

cadburyegg · 01/07/2023 20:11

so mr stripe messaged on Thursday full of apologies, saying he had been super busy etc. so I messaged back Friday, and he messaged me today... I dunno it just seems like he's cooled off a lot. He said he'd suggest some times to meet again next week, but so far he hasn't - cos he's busy - I know i'm overthinking it 🤷‍♀️

I also came across him on bumble today and wasn't sure how to swipe but he'll keep coming up otherwise 🤣

It just used to be so simple... i met someone, went on a couple of dates and then that was it... none of all this choice these days!!

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 20:15

Also, has anyone tried speed dating?

cytase · 01/07/2023 20:35

I’ve done it back in my student days @CheesecakeAddict - it was good fun. One of my best friends met her now husband speed dating ☺️

I’ve actually signed up to do it the week after next too. Apparently you get 4 minutes for each “date” then the company gives you a link to an online system the day after where you can tick if you want to see anyone again and then they exchange details if it’s a match.

(Also I’m exactly the same as you in terms of wanting children and communication!)

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 20:39

@cytase will you do it alone or take a friend?

cytase · 01/07/2023 20:42

I’m going alone, alas I’m the only single friend in my group 😂

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/07/2023 20:43

CheesecakeAddict

in think it’s upsetting as it’s a rejejction and that hurts

this morning you deleted him. Your decision

this evening he cancel , so rejects you and his decision

ive had the exact same and it hurts as we can have a negative story about ourselves
so when someone confirms it
more pain

this is why dating can be so crap

but best to keep him deleted and keep him off your radar as he’s not right for ya x

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 20:55

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/07/2023 20:43

CheesecakeAddict

in think it’s upsetting as it’s a rejejction and that hurts

this morning you deleted him. Your decision

this evening he cancel , so rejects you and his decision

ive had the exact same and it hurts as we can have a negative story about ourselves
so when someone confirms it
more pain

this is why dating can be so crap

but best to keep him deleted and keep him off your radar as he’s not right for ya x

Damn this is so true.

I also hate starting again. Like why can't my perfect guy just pop out from behind my hedge and I'd be done with it?

Anyway, I have two potential irons that I'm chatting to. And I am stressing chatting as I'm not making the same mistakes and diving in head first.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/07/2023 21:21

CheesecakeAddict

to be fair chatting with new guys When you are smarting from the last one will always be fraught

ita hard to be flirty and chatty right now ?

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 21:57

@Thisisworsethananticpated Not that it's hard to be chatty, just that it's hard to start again. The initial small talk, arranging childcare to meet someone I may not even like, just the sheer amount of effort for something that may end up being nothing.

Anyway one of my irons (who doesn't get a real name until after the 1st date) wants to meet up after work Monday, which will be nice and I'm nervous but excited for. He's a bit older than I'd usually got for, but not weirdly so.

anthurium · 01/07/2023 22:06

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 21:57

@Thisisworsethananticpated Not that it's hard to be chatty, just that it's hard to start again. The initial small talk, arranging childcare to meet someone I may not even like, just the sheer amount of effort for something that may end up being nothing.

Anyway one of my irons (who doesn't get a real name until after the 1st date) wants to meet up after work Monday, which will be nice and I'm nervous but excited for. He's a bit older than I'd usually got for, but not weirdly so.

Why don't you meet on your lunch breaks? I wouldn't dream of arranging a babysitter for a zero/first date. It's too much investment (solo parent here).

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 22:34

anthurium · 01/07/2023 22:06

Why don't you meet on your lunch breaks? I wouldn't dream of arranging a babysitter for a zero/first date. It's too much investment (solo parent here).

Show quote history

I work 35 miles away from where I live so not really doable to do them during the working day. It's quite annoying for a first date. Normally I'd arrange for a day when her dad has her, but he's working overseas for the next month so not doable either.

Passmethpens · 01/07/2023 22:41

CheesecakeAddict · 01/07/2023 21:57

@Thisisworsethananticpated Not that it's hard to be chatty, just that it's hard to start again. The initial small talk, arranging childcare to meet someone I may not even like, just the sheer amount of effort for something that may end up being nothing.

Anyway one of my irons (who doesn't get a real name until after the 1st date) wants to meet up after work Monday, which will be nice and I'm nervous but excited for. He's a bit older than I'd usually got for, but not weirdly so.

Ahh good luck with this.

And I also agree with one of your earlier comments. I need communication too, none of this going quiet for days nonsense. It only takes seconds to send a message so I feel if this doesn’t happen it reflects lack of investment.

Meepme · 02/07/2023 05:21

@CheesecakeAddict What age range are you wanting? I did speed dating a year ago. I think the mistake we made was that it was one of the more well known events in London in a very touristy bar so found it a bit cringe because the men were very much the potato head types from Bumble or really drunk. If I did it again, I'd go to a smaller, nicer venue which was more me. I'd have been looking at 45-50 group.

Have you tried singles nights? I went to one and met some really nice people. People were friendly and I think the only general thing I spotted was that most of the men were relatively short ie 5ft 7 and above. A few told me that they never got a lookin on apps due to this!

CheesecakeAddict · 02/07/2023 06:27

Meepme · 02/07/2023 05:21

@CheesecakeAddict What age range are you wanting? I did speed dating a year ago. I think the mistake we made was that it was one of the more well known events in London in a very touristy bar so found it a bit cringe because the men were very much the potato head types from Bumble or really drunk. If I did it again, I'd go to a smaller, nicer venue which was more me. I'd have been looking at 45-50 group.

Have you tried singles nights? I went to one and met some really nice people. People were friendly and I think the only general thing I spotted was that most of the men were relatively short ie 5ft 7 and above. A few told me that they never got a lookin on apps due to this!

I've put 30-38 but I think more 30-36.

Meepme · 02/07/2023 07:09

@CheesecakeAddict ah then I think speed dating would be fun as I can imagine there will be a lot of younger men going these for a laugh.

LittleFloatingGhost · 02/07/2023 07:45

I agree with the needing communication, I hadn’t realised how much that was of importance - and not just the monosyllabic responses! I want to get a feel for someone before meeting, I have even arranged calls with men in the past. Some have been a little anxious using the phone, so that was a no. I can’t just communicate by messages as I personally find it hard to try and connect for a relationship this way.

One thing that I have also realised is of importance is how tactile someone is. I don’t mean handsy like an octopus, but that closeness of a hand in the small of my back when walking through a door, for example. I think as my relationship with my ex was deteriorating, I hadn’t realised how much of the day-to-day touch points disappeared. I like and need the closeness, someone who isn’t adverse to holding my hand! Lol.

Does anyone else find that they have become very sure about what they want in a relationship? It has been a bit of an awakening for me and I was not expecting it, or how firm I would be on what I am
willing to and not willing to compromise on.

Also realised that I am more open to establishing a relationship with someone than I thought it was - I thought I could only do a FWB thing initially!

guineacup · 02/07/2023 08:11

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/07/2023 13:56

CheesecakeAddict

im having it 😂 its work in progress

its a very strange time to be single I think as (a) everyone’s a bit messed up after covid (b) Feminism (c) porn culture

Intrigued as to why "feminism" is on your list?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/07/2023 08:30

guineacup

i think (and I know your a guy right ?) it’s very difficult right now between the sexes

women are carrying both male and female traditional roles and they are tired and a bit angry and resentful

and some men are a bit lost , especially ones that are maybe contemplating growing old alone and not seeing their kids as much due to DVCE

so we have alot of people dating who on the one hand want intimacy , sex , love

but on the other hand the traditional gender roles are thrown on their head so everyone’s confused !

even who pays for a fuxking coffee is a minefield these days

Passmethpens · 02/07/2023 08:35

Hmm 🤔
so I suggested an early meet up to someone I’ve been chatting to, which I prefer to see if there’s compatibility rather than weeks and weeks of chatting.
i suggested the only place I know of that’s half way between we’re we both live, it happens to be a restaurant.
he basically said he’d be happy to meet for a meal “but from experience they don't bring out the best in me when I hardly know somebody.”
Ive replied and said for him to suggest something he’s more comfortable with.

But crikey… what man in his 40s can’t bring himself to have a conversation over lunch?
I’m not really feeling any enthusiasm from him here, I would much rather somebody jump at the chance to meet me and get to know me better (I’m flipping awesome)!
Am I overthinking?

CheesecakeAddict · 02/07/2023 08:42

LittleFloatingGhost · 02/07/2023 07:45

I agree with the needing communication, I hadn’t realised how much that was of importance - and not just the monosyllabic responses! I want to get a feel for someone before meeting, I have even arranged calls with men in the past. Some have been a little anxious using the phone, so that was a no. I can’t just communicate by messages as I personally find it hard to try and connect for a relationship this way.

One thing that I have also realised is of importance is how tactile someone is. I don’t mean handsy like an octopus, but that closeness of a hand in the small of my back when walking through a door, for example. I think as my relationship with my ex was deteriorating, I hadn’t realised how much of the day-to-day touch points disappeared. I like and need the closeness, someone who isn’t adverse to holding my hand! Lol.

Does anyone else find that they have become very sure about what they want in a relationship? It has been a bit of an awakening for me and I was not expecting it, or how firm I would be on what I am
willing to and not willing to compromise on.

Also realised that I am more open to establishing a relationship with someone than I thought it was - I thought I could only do a FWB thing initially!

I put my soreness on age, I am a lot less likely to take people's shit than when I was in my 20s. And also I'm not scared of being on my own.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/07/2023 09:09

Passmethpens

to be fair I’d never do a meal for a first meet
too expensive ! Unless we had major sparks in the chat

id do a coffee or a walk

however … if he hasn’t got the gumption to suggest an alternative .,..