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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
Lostmum2407 · 07/05/2023 23:14

You can do so much better than that piece of shit. It’s weird that after 5 years you aren’t living with each other. You’ve got to admit that you’d like relationship where you can live with your partner (after a sensible amount of time). You can buy yourself flowers. Get rid and heel yourself. X

MsDogLady · 08/05/2023 00:48

HB, your finding OW’s bloody sheets/pants was horrific, as was listening to your cheating Partner’s lies, stonewalling and condescension. However, the whole experience must be viewed as the vehicle that has opened your eyes to his destructive behavior.

He sounds like a manipulative controller who has used you as his narcissistic supply. If so, he doesn’t see you as an independent, equal individual. You’re meant to serve his needs and comply with his wants. Your feelings and boundaries are of no concern to him. Staying with him will diminish you beyond recognition.

For your emotional safety, end things with a message. You must stay resolute and refuse to engage in a discussion with him. These people don’t like to lose their ego supply, and become extremely manipulative to hoover them back in.

Reach out to your friends, HB. They’ve long had the measure of him and will be happy to hear that you’ve ended the relationship. Consider seeking IC for support to clarify your feelings, organize your thoughts, and strengthen your boundaries.

catlady4lyfe · 08/05/2023 01:13

Think of this as a blessing in disguise OP.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 01:15

I am still lying in bed, almost nodded off then my mind started again. I’m really struggling to get my mind round this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 07:16

Received 3 whatsapp messaged and 2 txts within a minute this morning from him, asking why he has not heard from me. Have read them but not replied. I’m not feeling good this morning

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 08/05/2023 07:23

Come on, block him, do it on everything and do it now.
It will be ok.

Ladysquamy · 08/05/2023 07:27

Wake up, OP. He's treating you like shit. He only keeps you around as a little skivvy because you do stuff like clean his house. He doesn't care about you and is fucking other women. Cobble together whatever strength you have and dump him. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. You're 35. You should be looking for a real relationship and kids if you want them.

amiold · 08/05/2023 07:28

Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 07:16

Received 3 whatsapp messaged and 2 txts within a minute this morning from him, asking why he has not heard from me. Have read them but not replied. I’m not feeling good this morning

Like he doesn't know. He's worried you've realised your worth but will still try his luck. Ignore. Easier said than done I know

Pashazade · 08/05/2023 07:30

Sadly there is no magic pain free way through the next few weeks. But if you do it now then it's done, if you let him back in you will end up back in a cycle of frosty silences and wheedling text messages and he will know he can get away with anything so his behaviour towards you will become even less considerate.
Accept the pain, it's not surprising you thought he was a good person and realising that someone has done something this hurtful is going to cause pain. You're not foolish to feel this it's a perfectly natural response. But follow mycat's plan. Block him to stop the tugging on heart strings. You can do this.

Fuckitydoodah · 08/05/2023 07:36

Absolutely no good can come from having any contact with him. He'll never tell you the truth.

Don't waste any more time on him. You can create a great new life without him in it.

Please do not let him suck you back in. It's going to be hard and hurt like hell, but you'll come out the other side.

mischlerischler · 08/05/2023 07:41

Don't reply to him, OP.

I know you feel awful, but try to do something nice for yourself today. Treat yourself to a nice coffee and a cake, have a relaxing bath, catch up with a friend. Just try to distract yourself and take it one day at a time.

I would block him, so you are not tempted to reply to him.

When you are ready, go to his house and get your stuff.

Don't let him suck you back in!

You can do this Flowers

BananaSpanner · 08/05/2023 08:02

Block him, get your stuff out. If you are serious about leaving, there will never be a better opportunity than when he is away. If you wait til he comes back, he will talk you round.

Luluissleeping · 08/05/2023 08:20

Do yourself a favour and dump him. He is a habit. You are only 35?? I am 20 years older than you. You can do better than this piece of crap.

bobbyboo43 · 08/05/2023 08:24

Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 07:16

Received 3 whatsapp messaged and 2 txts within a minute this morning from him, asking why he has not heard from me. Have read them but not replied. I’m not feeling good this morning

Remember he will use any opportunity to try and gaslight you and convince you he's not done anything. Don't give him the chance, just ignore. I know it's hard but it's the only way.

Asformending · 08/05/2023 08:27

Sending you the strength @Heartbroken87 as you deserve soooo much more.

I was involved with someone similar. Lying, gaslighting, stonewalling, totally eroded my self confidence and shrunk my world (others could see what he was doing and who he was) but love blinds you. Don't be me. Wasted 15 years of my life trying to convince myself life was OK, when really it just wasn't.

Your life is ahead of you, might be scary and you have a bit of a lonely tough few weeks ahead but you can do this.

Good luck 👍

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 08/05/2023 08:30

@Heartbroken87,
I hope you managed a little sleep last night.
It's hard these first few weeks, your mind will default to thinking of him, even in sleep...but this will ease.

PLAN: Day One of your New Life

  • BLOCK (& DELETE) all platforms of communication, it will do you no good waiting for him to message and re-reading old messages. If you don't you will still be in the push/pull of a toxic relationship.
  • Jump in the shower, nice and hot. It is amazing how water/bubbles can cleanse the mind and soul.
  • Make yourself a brew (Yorkshire Tea is my poison 😁) Also make toast, you may not feel like it but you need to eat. Running on nerves will make you glittery and you will be ill.
  • Put on the radio (I reccomend Capital Dance, energising and not as much lovey dovey stuff to make you ruminate)
  • Get a big bin bag (no care is needed here 😉) and go to each room an chuck his shit in.
  • Go to his, dump his crap in the hall and leave it there (this will be your answer to him when he gets back...no other explanation is needed from you. HE WILL UNDERSTAND) Collect all your possessions. Make sure you don't forget anything or you will be thinking about it later.

Shut the door, post the key and take a massive breath.
It may not feel like it at this point but THIS will be the start of your new path! You will look back on this and think "thank God"

Good luck Lovely Lady, you can do this! 💪❤

Pinklemons9 · 08/05/2023 09:03

Stay strong. For what sounds like the first time in your relationship, you hold the power now not him.
Continue ignoring him and collect your stuff from his house. When he realises what’s happened I would block him so he can’t gaslight you further and so you’re not tempted to change your mind.

EndsandBegins · 08/05/2023 09:07

You are going to have to be really determined about your decision. It sounds like he will try to convince you you are wrong about what you saw and that you are overreacting. Stick to your plan.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 09:11

I have absolutely no doubt his narrative will be ok wrong, I’ve overreacting, I’m making it up. This is his go to… albeit we have never been in a cheating situation before. Then I doubt myself and believe that I need to make it up to him for doing this.

I tried to break up with him before - a couple of years ago, dropped his things at his house wen I knew he wasn’t home. Within days he had me back apologising to him for everything, when the issue was his bad behaviour.

I must remain strong, I’ll need to block all contact it’s the only way I will get thru this.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 08/05/2023 09:12

Block him.

You need to remember that while finding the bloody sheets and knickers and realising he's having sex with someone else was news to you, it is not news to him.

He now has a different agenda, he will now want to make you doubt your own mind to the extent that you no longer believe what you have seen, and he can keep you where he wants you as his convenient "silly" cleaner.

Don't forget that he has spent the past five years grinding you down in various ways to make it easy for himself.

You have two choices now. You literally choose yourself, or you choose him. If you choose him this is as good as it gets as he now knows there is virtually nothing he can't get away with.

Day by day. Just do today. Put yourself first, for once.

Susieb2023 · 08/05/2023 09:12

He will do everything g in his power to maintain his facade and get away with this and you will wobble wanting to believe what he says because it’s the easiest route for now.

But please don’t. Sweetheart you’re only 35, you could have marriage and children ahead of you if you choose, travelling, fulfilling your dreams and goals. These won’t happen if you shackle yourself to this man anymore.

He is a nasty piece of work underneath all the manipulative words his actions are that of a cheat and a liar. He has slept with another woman and you’ve helped clear it up believing his lies.

It will be painful, of course it will but the pain will be short lived and then you’ll see a brighter future ahead.

Please listen to us all, do what needs to be done and contact some of these old friends and ask for their help.

Seas164 · 08/05/2023 09:15

I also didn't miss the part where he forced you to climb through the window and you're injured, how are you going on that front?

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 09:17

If the shoe was on the other foot and he had found my bed soiled and discarded underwear by the side, if I was 100% innocent I would be doing everything in my power to reassure him I hadn’t done anything, I would be checking in on him, generally making sure he was ok.

I’m so confused by the stonewall silence on the matter, he is literally pretending NOTHING has happened. I think I’m going mad, this can’t be normal behaviour.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 08/05/2023 09:18

his narrative will be ok wrong, I’ve overreacting, I’m making it up. This is his go to

Don't engage. All that matters is how you feel. Get very clear on that. Get a piece of paper and write down everything he's done over the years that's made you feel bad. Add to it as thin come back. Stick it on the fridge.

Do not deny what is real because someone tells you to.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 09:18

@Seas164 im not just as sore today. Thank for asking. I removed that post as I was worried as I’ve seen the media get hold of some of these posts and that would make me very identifiable. Very specific mad situation on the whole

OP posts: