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Original poster

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 08/05/2023 09:20

C1N1C · 07/05/2023 17:48

I've never heard so many proofs in one post!

This.

Do yourself a favour and finish with him.

Seas164 · 08/05/2023 09:21

Don't get locked into the why. It doesn't matter because it's nothing to do with you.

No it's not normal. No you wouldn't behave like this. The end.

Can you contact Women's Aid, they have a live chat service on their website?

HappyMe6 · 08/05/2023 09:21

Find some hate within you! Write down everything he’s done to you that’s hurt you, I bet my life on it it’s a longer list than the good time list! You’ve broken up before you can do it again. This time mean it. He knows you have got zero confidence in yourself all taken away by him, he’s the lowest of low he’s so bloody arrogant he knows you will go crawling back to him. Show him your worth.

toddlermom99 · 08/05/2023 09:27

You're doing the right thing by ending this relationship, it will be the best thing you ever do. You are still young and will meet someone who will live with you, who will marry you etc. don't be dragged down by somebody like this

RandomMess · 08/05/2023 09:33

He isn't normal

It's quite possible he has a personality disorder such as Narcissism or schizophrenia (some people believe they are entitled to behave how they want, my ex-MIL had a formal diagnosis shortly before her death).

He thinks it's perfectly acceptable for him to use you as his skivvy whilst he does whatever he wants including dating and having sex with other women. The fact that he convinces you that you are always in the wrong and are so much younger than him says an awful lot.

Please block and delete all communication from him, change your locks.

I should imagine his ex was thrilled when you came in the scene and she could finally be free of him.

C1N1C · 08/05/2023 10:00

I actually wouldn't block him.

There's nothing worse when you've done something wrong than sering someone ignore you. Keep reading his messages, just give him the silent treatment. If you block him, he'll possibly think something else is up and won't worry.

sweetdreamstenasee · 08/05/2023 10:01

it’s so much better to end this for good now, then in a few years time.

reframe things in your mind, I only spent 7 years with him thank god it wasn’t 14! I’m so glad to be getting out and back on track at 35 rather than waste another 10 years!

You can do this xxx

RuthTopp · 08/05/2023 10:15

You've had some good advice here but it doesn't look like you will be doing it . You need to get his stuff packed , take around to his , get your stuff out of his place , leave key , block him .
A few people have said this but you haven't replied to them.
Will you be doing this today ?

You are post ing on how his actions are making you feel , not what you are going to do about it , that is making you reactive not proactive , his has you where he wants you , controlled by him , led by him .
Said with best intentions , grow a pair and take control of your own life , get strong. Bin him off !

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 10:23

@RuthTopp i will be doing it. I’m just venting, trying to process what is actually going on and how I’m feeling

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 08/05/2023 10:47

When you have done it and your emotions have calmed a little , you will see him for the man he really was and eventually it will become a blessing in disguise .
Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 10:50

@RuthTopp I'm disgusted by him. But im
hurting, I can’t eat, I feel physically sick. But I kno wot I need to do. I hope I can see him for wot he really is sooner rather than later and this hurt leaves

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 11:01

RuthTopp

unfortunately people can’t immediately change years of toxicity on the basis of one MN thread alone ! life isn’t that simple

OP you are going to need some RL support here
your enmeshed into a very toxic situation and you said you don’t have family ?

it Might be time to be very brave and to reach out to your friends who clearly hate him ..,

tell them and ask for their support x
You need people around you supporting you to exit this

BordoisAgain · 08/05/2023 11:25

Sorry if I missed it but what happened to the knickers?

This may sound gross but if they are still around take a photo of them. When he tries to convince you, and others, that you are crazy, making it up, whatever you have a point of reference, even just for you, that you are not any of these things.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 11:35

@BordoisAgain he grabbed them and disappeared out the room. They didn’t make it to the bin. I checked, I suspect he’s got rid of them by now

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/05/2023 12:29

You mention he would know if you didn't work from his home as he has cameras

Can you access them?

She probably stayed over that night and he made he leave early hence the left knickers and the wash at 6am

I would clear it your stuff, return his and block on everything.

Be strong he is not a good man

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 08/05/2023 12:36

@Needanewnamebeingwatched they were turned off Friday nite… he’s the only one who has access to this function :(

I am have managed to walk my dog this morning - don’t kno how I managed it on zero sleep, I’m on the couch now watching rubbish on the tv now. Planning on showering this afternoon, I’m working tomoro, from home thankfully. I have quite a stressful job so praying I sleep tonite.

I am planning on continuing to ignore his messages and collect my stuff from his over the next couple of days before he’s back.

OP posts:
PinkIdentity · 08/05/2023 12:38

Even without the bloodied pants…you know he’s gone… and you know you are no longer number one in his life. So sorry 😞. I think you can vent all you need but this will not get better. He will cheat and perhaps not be as obvious as it is now but you can do a lot better and you are 35…don’t waste your best years with this man.

Asformending · 08/05/2023 12:49

You are feeling raw OP which is natural but please don't let this slide and through the need to make sense of it all, to get answers etc hang around and prolong finishing it with him and starting anew.

So many women come on MN, similar circumstances enmeshed in a relationship with a mentally abusive cheat and sadly a few days, week or month later, relent and the cycle continues. Do not be that woman who goes on to collude with her abuser in mistreating her further.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/05/2023 14:41

Please don't continue this relationship, you are so young compared to him, don't waste anymore years on him. He won't give you a future.

applebee33 · 08/05/2023 16:02

Oh god , 100% cheating. The filthy pig , please get yourself checked. How disgusting

colachive · 08/05/2023 20:49

OP, have a look at this book:

The Covert Passive-aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

It's short, easy to read and will help cement the fact that you are NOT crazy, but instead you'll see the way that he has reinforced this idea in your mind over the years, to the point where his reality (the one he wants you to believe) is the only thing that feels real.

Wishing you all the strength in the world in ridding your life of this exhausting person ❤️ Also try taking a look at some of the narcissism posts on here / recovery groups.

happyheart7 · 08/05/2023 21:17

Go and get your stuff and drop his off asap. If you keep dragging it out, he might come back early when he’s not heard from you and that could get awkward. Womens period pants as bus house in his bedroom and his sheets covered in blood say all that needs to be said doesn’t it?

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 09/05/2023 19:52

Update. So today he sent me a message on WhatsApp that clearly wasn’t ment for me. Was clearly for the OW, saying how obsessed he was with her already!!

OP posts:
Eyewantobreakfree · 09/05/2023 19:55

There’s your answer @Heartbroken87 Do yourself and solid and get rid of him. It’s horrible finding out about infidelity but you are with much more than he gives you x

Susieb2023 · 09/05/2023 19:57

Right, and now you have your absolute answer.

Its nothing you didn’t know.

Wouldn’t be surprised if that was a deliberate ‘mistake’ text. He’s that pathetic. Grey rock it. Don’t respond at all.

Continue moving forward to getting rid of this waste of space and building a new life full of exciting possibilities.