Has he cheated?

[Heartbroken87]

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

He's very horrible and has utterly played you.

I agree he's always had other women for sex and dates and you are sadly the mug that looks after him like his mother.

Please find your anger and end this farce of a relationship.

Please pluck up the courage and message a friend. It will be easier to move on with someone by your side.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. If being called a “silly baby” for express a legitimate concern, apologising for wanting reassurance and cleaning his house/organising his travel etc are not massive red flags to you at this point then I strongly suggest you take the time to read “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft before he gets back from his trip.

it may not reasonate with you, but if it does I think you’ll find it incredibly clarifying. It’s incredibly insightful and compassionate - you can download on kindle app.

(It may help help explain why you are apologizing to him, and probably also why he had a “difficult” marriage).

hang in there 💐

Just got into bed but I’ve no chance of sleeping tonite, tried to put the tv on but can’t concentrate. Literally reading all of ur messages is the only thing keeping me sane. Ur helping me realise I’m not insane

He's an arsehole who like to keep you dangling, you can do so much better than him. I'd rather be with no one than be with a head fuck like him. Toss him back with the garbage.

Right can we agree on a plan? Radio silence, empty my stuff out of his house. Do we or do we not tell him it’s finished?

I’d really try and look for some good podcasts and audiobooks with people also going through hard times/similar circumstances and finding themselves the other side, might be a bit naff and not your thing but when I suffered a great heartbreak some years back I found listening to books like eat pray love a huge comfort, and podcasts such as dear sugar. You might feel alone but having that connection to the outside world by listening to other peoples experiences really helped.

Empty his house etc. one line about it's over for you then BLOCK EVERYWHERE get in touch with friends and family and ask for their support.

Make plans of stuff to do and keep busy busy busy

as for plan, only you know him

if you radio silence him is he likely to call? will you pick up in a moment of weakness? will he try to talk you round and will you hear him out?

I’d keep contact curt and short for the week while you get your head around things, get your stuff from his house, tell him it’s over just before he is due to fly back and block his number.

I’ve never been able to radio silence him before. Always have good intentions then he calls and I answer.

I think ur right, I need to get my head straight. Get my stuff and let him know it’s done just before he gets home. One line would work. I asked for respect and a straight answer earlier and he wasn’t willing to give me it. There’s nothing left to say.

nothing he could say would make it any better. I mean the truth would help me realise this isn’t on me. But I won’t get that

OP- in between my 2 marriages I lived with a guy for 4 years- he over time managed to alienate me from any friends and make it that my life felt all about him- I think that's exactly how he wanted it so I felt reliant on him before I grasped that he was a bit of a loser, one that thought I was amazing but not a great catch if I'm honest and very controlling. Others would have pointed this out- so he damn well made sure I didn't have others in my life. I got out of it but had to virtually run away. In this case you have an opportunity to say nothing, clear your stuff out and leave him a note saying sorry but I'm ending it- I don't wish to discuss it- I think you know why.

You’ve already made huge progress over the course of this thread so you’re doing better than you were a few hours ago and sounding stronger so that’s really promising

You need to do the Freedom course with WA urgently.

@sweetdreamstenasee thanks I wish I felt it

This.

You need support and you need to keep busy. And of course block him everywhere and delete his number. He will try and worm his way back in while you're vulnerable and unsure so make sure he has no way to do this.

The more you've written about him being unreliable and disappearing the more it sounds like he is leading a double life. He will deny it and have you questioning yourself and your sanity, that's the cruellest thing. You're going to have to be really strong and really resolved. But honestly your future self will thank you for this.

@bobbyboo43 i’m literally lying in the dark questioning my sanity just now. Reading over old messages seeing if I missed something. This is mental torture

PLAN OF ACTION

• Tomorrow collect your possessions from his and drop his shit back there (hopefully you will be off work) Get this out of the way so it's not hanging over you next week. Leave his key. Then go for a walk, even in the rain. Go up a hill or to the beach and blow it all away. Call your friends and let them know. If you where my mate I would make some comfort food, get wine and just he there. *Tuesday, arrange an STD test. If you're at work tell your colleagues (HR if you need a couple of days off) Make sure you eat and sleep (as much as you can) *Wednesday, get your locks changed (if he has a key) Go for a swim/walk/gym or arrange to see a mate. *Thursday, treat yourself to a pamper (nice bath, candles, wine. Face mask, hair treatment, paint your nails) Maybe get take-away. *Friday, make plans with a friend: wine/snacks at home, dinner out...or a real wild one on the town. *Saturday, make this a YOU day. Relax, recharge. DO NOT RESPOND OR CALL HIM AT ALL during this time. Silence is your super power here 💪 He deserves not one more moment of your time or brain space. BLOCK HIM TONIGHT! Sending you strength OP, you got this x

@MyCatIsAFuckwit thanks for this

YOU organize HIS flights - why?? Sorry just got stuck on this detail. I never organize my husband's flights, why would I?

@Brandyb cos he just messes them up otherwise. And then it costs him more to book other ones. I’m just better at those things

❤keep strong ❤️

His excuse for what you saw is a real stretch. Surely he can't believe you are THAT gullible? Snatching the knickers out of your hand and disappearing with them? Blood all over the sheet but no cuts on his back in spite of his claim he had one? He can't possibly think he sounds plausible with this?

I understand. But don't do those things anymore, he is despicable and he thinks you're an idiot.