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Original poster

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
sweetdreamstenasee · 07/05/2023 20:46

It doesn’t matter what other people think and don’t let that stop you from walking away.
If people ask you say it just wasn’t working, unless you want to tell them the whole story but you don’t have to.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:48

I will definitely be getting a STI test. If he is willing to sleep with someone who is on their period I’m not taking any chances. He’s a disgusting human being

OP posts:
brokenbics · 07/05/2023 20:50

I'm so sorry OP. Give yourself this week to process what has happened. Go no contact while he's away, he'll be panicking because he knows you know. Give yourself the respect you deserve, because he hasn't x

bobbyboo43 · 07/05/2023 20:51

So sorry to hear this op. It's a blessing that he's away for a while so you can clear your head. Not living together will make things easier practically. I'm so sorry.

Fruitygal · 07/05/2023 20:52

You are 35 - he didn’t want to live with you and he’s cheating.

Pop over to the house while he’s away and clear all your stuff out. Please take a memento of value (you’ve devoted your life to him for some time - if you’d lived together he’d be much much poorer as a result of his infidelity) and then leave and never return.

Find a guy 30-40 who wants a life with you and if you want have a great relationship together ( with or without children). Good luck with a fabulous new and better life.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:54

@brokenbics he is away thinking he’s got off with this scotfree and that I have believed his lies. I will go no contact and he will know that something is wrong. I’ve never been able to do this before. I was also ment to be working from his house Tuesday/Wednesday and he will see from the cameras that I haven’t went.

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 07/05/2023 20:54

I would take a few days to process and then text him it's over. Get your stuff from his apartment while he is gone.

Lolasgame · 07/05/2023 20:55

Dump him. I’ve been there myself it’s a horrible feeling when you realise you picked a wrongun. You’ll be fine you’ve got this.

HerMammy · 07/05/2023 20:57

Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.
Dear god 🙄
This is a prime example of why men target much younger women, wow and impress them, then lure them in until they're grateful and before you know it he has a personal skivvy.
Your 35, walk away and make a life for yourself without this vile excuse for a man.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/05/2023 21:02

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:40

I have decided there is no point in asking him to be honest with me about this. I have tried and as opposed to try explain or reassure me he had me apologising for even asking such a thing. This isn’t an unreasonable question given what was infront of me. I need to just walk away. It’s going to be hard, I need to be strong. I will need some hand holding. How do I even do this. Do I tell him it’s over, do I just disappear? Wot do I tell people when they ask?

What do you say when people ask?

“The silly old twat was cheating on me. One of his women actually left her period-soaked knickers in his bedroom. I found them. And the blood soaked sheets. No, really.” laugh heartily at how gross and pathetic he is

You're 35. He’s a miserable, gas-lighting, liar who’s in his fifties and fucking about like a young stud. He’s a joke. And you’re free.

If you really want to get at him when you tell him you’re leaving, laugh at him. And then block everywhere. And get an STI test. You’re so much better than the shit he is dishing up.

redbigbananafeet · 07/05/2023 21:03

Walk away. This is not your story. Go and find a loving man who sees you as an equal and will treat you with love and respect. If marriage and kids is what you want you still have time to find love.

itwasntmetho · 07/05/2023 21:06

You have so much more potential than being with someone like him.
i would suggest you try some counselling, I’ve been you before, all keen to please and it’s really unhealthy.

RandomMess · 07/05/2023 21:11

What was this behaviour that had all your friends distance themselves from you?

Flowers
Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 21:13

@RandomMess they seen me lose myself, lose my spark, they witnessed him speak down to me, me becoming more and more withdrawn. They tried to reach out and make sure i was ok. I would sugar coat things, lie, stick up for him. Nothing massive just said I wasn’t myself anymore

OP posts:
reliefeo · 07/05/2023 21:14

OP silence says alot. Remain silent until he returns- he will most likely show up at your house - then simply say it’s over. You can prepare a speech in your head or when he starts - which he will - with the ‘you are being ridiculous’ then you simply repeat calmly and clearly - I know you cheated! Over and over! State it firmly and with conviction.

as a parting shot tell him you are glad as you are free to find someone new and a future! - he’s a class A bastard OP and you are worth 1000 of him!

FairAcre · 07/05/2023 21:16

Is it worth trying to contact one of your old friends? They might be glad to hear from you and give you some support.

MammaTo · 07/05/2023 21:22

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:40

I have decided there is no point in asking him to be honest with me about this. I have tried and as opposed to try explain or reassure me he had me apologising for even asking such a thing. This isn’t an unreasonable question given what was infront of me. I need to just walk away. It’s going to be hard, I need to be strong. I will need some hand holding. How do I even do this. Do I tell him it’s over, do I just disappear? Wot do I tell people when they ask?

You know what he’s done. Take all your stuff from his house, text him to explain your decision to end the relationship and block him before he can respond. I don’t mean this to be nasty but you sound like the type of person to be sucked into him if he spun a story your way. You’ll be back and forwards to him all night.
Grovel to your friends and explain you can see they was right and apologise for your behaviour and hope they take you back and explain you need their help to keep him away.

reliefeo · 07/05/2023 21:26

Also I agree with poster above - contact your friends- they may well want to support you. I know it’s difficult - you devoted yourself to this person who has betrayed you - it’s devastating and life changing - but you can and will survive it. You seem a lovely person who this dickhead has exploited. Be kind to yourself- you deserve it

RandomMess · 07/05/2023 21:30

So he has slowly but surely ground you down and made him reliant on him and made you a shadow of yourself.

What has he been doing to do this?

He's clearly emotionally abusive in some way that you're not aware of? How does he punish you when he's not happy - withhold his affection?

TicTac80 · 07/05/2023 21:34

It's really good that there are no financial ties (or DC) between you, then you don't ever have to have any contact with him again. He is vile. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

You said that cheating is a deal breaker. You know that he is gaslighting you. I know you're shocked and heartbroken, but I'm betting that you're savvy enough to realise that it's pretty damned obvious that he has cheated. Period blood stained pants and bed linen don't magically appear out of nowhere. Normally, they'd require a woman, who is on her period, to be in contact with aforementioned garments. If his daughter isn't the sort of person to suddenly decide to bleed period blood on to her father's bedsheets (AND leave her used, period blood stained pants in her father's room), then one can deduce that it is someone else. I was married/with my now XH for a decade - not once did I ever leave period stained underwear lying around for him to see.

Is there much of your stuff at his place? Maybe head over there to collect up what's yours (and drop back anything he left at your place). If he has keys to your place, then change locks. Take this time whilst he is away to get your head straight about things, then if I were you, I'd dump him and block him. If people ask what happened, a PP posted a great response.

Maybe contact your old mates? I'm sure they'd be glad to hear from you. You'll be ok. Honestly it is far better being single than having a partner who is treating you like this. You really deserve better than him. x

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 21:34

@RandomMess yeah he withholds affection, cancels plans last minute, tells me he’s working so I can’t complain. He disappears, ignores my calls and messages. Can be unreliable, then the next minute super attentive

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 07/05/2023 21:36

ugh, he sounds vile! He is also arrogant enough to assume that he can drop you, treat you like shit and then expect to just pick up with you when he feels like it.

Fruitygal · 07/05/2023 21:37

Given what you just said - I think he’s been cheating for a while and this time just got caught - if you stay you will telling him you are happy with the cheating. Leave now

TicTac80 · 07/05/2023 21:38

Gather your stuff from his, dump his stuff from yours back at his place, then dump him. In the text, tell him you don't want him to contact you again, and then block him.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 21:38

@TicTac80 im confused to whether it’s gaslighting. I think it is then I realise he never really answered me. I asked if he had slept with someone else and he said I will silly. Then I said I need reassurance, everyone does sometimes. This was met with a wall of silence until I apologised. Either way it’s a head fuk

OP posts: