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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
Heartbroken87 · 09/05/2023 22:31

He also missed his second flight for this business trip due to being drunk in the airport. He never realised until 30 mins after the plane was gone, despite being in the airport for hours

OP posts:
GiveOverRover · 09/05/2023 22:31

Heartbroken87 · 09/05/2023 22:28

@Throwncrumbs i believe he does have a drinking problem. He also has issues with his liver but refuses to believe it is drink related, claims it’s because he is carrying a little weight. i believe he was very drunk friday, he was still drunk wen i arrived saturday morning

Love, he sounds gross. Honestly. He is sounding like less and less of a catch.

Have you looked at The Freedom Programme?

Dweetfidilove · 09/05/2023 22:37

What a loser!

I hope you manage to extricate yourself from this mess. You're so young, kind and deserving of more.

reliefeo · 09/05/2023 23:09

OP it’s not that you have left the way clear for him and his new girlfriend- he only sent that text to you to illicit a response. He is nasty and not that bright!.

your silence is worrying him- he is used to having the upper hand with you and you have removed that. Now you are the unknown quantity, unpredictable , uncontrollable. I’d say he is super anxious that you have withdrawn. Good - exploit that!!. Remain completely silent - it will drive him mad!!

Heartbroken87 · 09/05/2023 23:10

@reliefeo i am trying my hardest to remain strong and silent

OP posts:
AllBlackEverything · 09/05/2023 23:46

Sunk-cost fallacy

the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.
"the sunk-cost fallacy creeps into a lot of major financial decisions"

OP, don't allow yourself to stay in this miserable relationship with an alcoholic cheat just because you feel like it would be "throwing away our 7 year relationship". He's no grand prize darling, he's pathetic.

MsDogLady · 10/05/2023 01:02

HB87, this is the typical reaction of a Narcissist who is enraged at losing control. He hates that you’ve been silent, so he sent that coercive message to elicit your panic & begging.

He’s a monster who believes that he owns your body, emotions, time, attention and energy. You should be angry and repulsed over his long-term abuse, not just about the infidelity. He’ll stop at nothing to lure you back — devious tactics like that baiting message, lying, blame shifting, love bombing, etc. — but it won’t be because he loves you. He thrives on having power over you and other women.

It sounds like you’re trauma bonded to this dangerous guy, but so far you’re staying strong. You may find it more difficult when he returns, as it’s similar to withdrawing from a drug. As I previously suggested, consider individual counseling to help you recover and stay the course. If you relent and allow yourself to return to him, he will crush your spirit.

Pegsandsunshine · 10/05/2023 05:54

My bet is still at him trying to break up with you but not actually wanting to do so himself (but he also probably expected you to beg to be taken back by him to stroke his ego).
But, look what a massive bullet you dodged! An older guy with alcohol and liver problems and also a serial cheater, count your lucky stars!

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 05:58

Morning, managed to sleep last nite. Haven’t heard from him overnight. Going to collect my belongings around about work today. Thanks for everyone’s replies I am really appreciating ur help

OP posts:
Susieb2023 · 10/05/2023 06:12

Amazing… so proud of you for holding your ground.

Get all your bits and pieces, get home, organise yourself and please plan something lovely this weekend.

Stay on your path. You can see him clearer now and he is a nasty nasty piece of work. That will become more clear with distance.

You’re doing great!

Pashazade · 10/05/2023 07:27

You can do this, don't waiver, we've all got your back. If you have a wobble come and read the replies you've had here. You know you're doing the right thing.

reliefeo · 10/05/2023 07:33

heartbroken well done you!! I know that must be so so hard. Do t forget that he is likely to be very annoyed that you haven’t made contact - a year from now that detail will mill you laugh! - you literally have the upper hand now and he knows it!! I wonder how the conversation will go with period pants Pauline?? If indeed she does know About you and isn’t in fact another one of his victims?

you are a million times the person he is - he was lucky to have had you in his life as long as he did as I can assure you he is not worthy of you!

today will be difficult - collecting your things and saying goodbye to that part of your life but you can do it! He is an utter cunt! - and in the immortal words of my Irish best friend - I hope he dies roaring for a priest! .

RuthTopp · 10/05/2023 07:57

Don't forget to leave the key at his , preferably with a garage bunch of flowers and a note for his new girlfriend !

perfectcolourfound · 10/05/2023 08:10

Hi@Heartbroken87 I've read all of your posts but not all of the replies, so I imagine I'm going to repeat what pp have said. But I can't not say it.

Even before you suspected he was cheating, this wasn't a good relatinship (for you). He treated you badly, distanced you from your friends (they could see he was bad for you), he didn't show you respect or care, he let you run around after him like his personal assistant, making his life easier while he made yours harder. He changed his screensaver when he went out with you for goodness sake! What else could that mean other than a) he was meeting another woman or b) he was hoping to meet another woman / women?

And then there's the cheating. So many obvious signs he was being unfaithful - and then when you saw cast iron evidence (washing bed sheets at 6am! blood on the bed sheets and on a woman's pants in his bedroom) - even then you struggled to believe it. Because this vile man has controlled you and manipulated you and used you to the point you don't know right from wrong in your own head.

As for calling you a 'silly baby' for questionning all of this..... so I wonder how he would have reacted if he'd find the same evidence at your house? Would you have called him a silly baby, then made him apologise for ever questionning it?!

I suspect he knew you would find the evidence and wanted to see just how far he could manipulate you and push you, and you'd still put up with it. He was arrogant enought to think he could treat you like utter trash and you'd still apologise and hang around for more. The 'mistake' message to her is probably not a mistake either.

Whether or not it was, you are starting to see him for what he is. A user. A cheat. A liar. A gaslighter. Not someone that anyone should aspire to be in a relationship with. I'm so pleased you're getting out. Make sure you block him and he stays blocked. You deserve so much more in life that that loser.

And then you can focus on rebuilding yourself, re-engaging with old friends and making new ones. Enjoying life.

perfectcolourfound · 10/05/2023 08:11

SOrry for typo above -

*He changed his screensaver when he went WITHOUT with you for goodness sake!

cordelia16 · 10/05/2023 10:00

Susieb2023 · 09/05/2023 22:13

You’re thinking of him as some kind of prize you’ve lost. He’s not. He’s a disgusting narcissist who has controlled, abused and manipulated you for seven years.

She is not winning a shiny prize. She has potentially lumbered herself with years of the same treatment as he has put you through.

He will not change. He will be as unsafe for her as he is for you.

Leave them to it. It really is time to reclaim your future.

I agree with all of this.

You need to clear your head of thinking that he should know what he lost. Just clear your head of him altogether - he is not worth any of your headspace - and get on with your life.

cordelia16 · 10/05/2023 10:03

Good luck collecting your things today! As tempting as it is to try to get some type of revenge in his house, take the higher road. Just leave his things, get your things, close the door and don't look back. You are so, so much better than he is. Believe in yourself. 💐

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 10/05/2023 10:27

What did his message meant for the other woman say?

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 10:52

Message to the OW sent to me -

Baby!!! I’m obsessed with you already!! You’re just so hot, cool and mine!! 😢🥰❤️🔥

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 10/05/2023 10:55

Has he not messaged you since that? What was his explanation?

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 10:57

I never replied. I haven’t heard from him since

OP posts:
Darkandstormynite · 10/05/2023 10:59

I'd dump him for that text alone. He sounds like a sleezy 80s lounge lizard. I'm picturing him in leather trousers with a mullet!!

You don't see it now, but honestly this is a gift the universe has given you. You're being shown who he really is, be thankful you're not going to waste anymore precious years with him because it would have only gotten worse.

Take some time to heal, regroup, think about what you want your life to be, then go and get it. You're still young enough to have an amazing life, don't waste the opportunity you've been given.

Instantkarmaa · 10/05/2023 10:59

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 10:52

Message to the OW sent to me -

Baby!!! I’m obsessed with you already!! You’re just so hot, cool and mine!! 😢🥰❤️🔥

What a cringe inducing message.

You're much better than this.

Best of luck OP. Stay strong x

Asformending · 10/05/2023 11:07

He's a drunk as well as a cheating rat. What a vile man, OP. Please keep your resolve and read that message every time you feel tempted to message him. Your silence says far more than any words could do.

Just block him, collect your kit, get rid of anything of his and take care of you. Keep busy, make plans, reconnect with friends, indulge yourself with small treats. You are worth so much more my darling. Your whole life ahead of you instead of being a domestic and carer for an aging cad lacking in integrity. The only person he cares about is himself. Set yourself free. Sending big hugs as know you are hurting and trying to make sense of it all.

Bobbylives · 10/05/2023 11:10

So proud of you OP 💗You have been blessed in finding out and knowing exactly who he is. He's disgusting and you my dear have dodged a huge bullet in wasting any more time on him. You are young and have many many happy years ahead of you - he's a sad pathetic ageing man, no prize at all. OW is welcome to him. Onwards and upwards and dont look back. Stay strong, you can do this 🙌