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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband been on a stag do in Marbella and a random girl has messaged me……

500 replies

Mumma2Ro · 06/05/2023 21:42

Some fake account has messaged me on instagram.
to tell me my husband paid for a prostitute when on a recent stag do in Marbella!
what the fuck do I do!?!!!!!???

OP posts:
IAteAllTheTomatoes · 07/05/2023 12:13

His explanation doesn't make sense and neither does the message.

It has to be one of the other wives/girfriends trying to tell you what they have heard. Either it's true or one of their partners did and is trying to say your husband dud to take the attention off themselves.

I wouldn't dismiss it as quickly as you have.

Mumofnarnia · 07/05/2023 12:15

ittakes2 · 07/05/2023 12:07

The bit I am confused about is how did she end up contacting you and why? I suspect there is a story and a girl for whatever reason wants to create tension between you and your hubby. Maybe because he slept with her - or maybe because she wants to sleep with him. But it seems strange that an uninvolved woman would have a conversation with a stranger in a bar about a man she has never met and this prompts her to track down this man she has never met's wife...I mean how did she get your name?

Exactly what I was thinking. If I was in a bar and someone told me their mate had shagged another woman (and I’d never even met their mate) I wouldn’t even think of tracking down the man’s wife to let her know! I think the ‘uninvolved’ woman knows way more than she’s letting on. She obviously knows details about him, about his wife and their names and to say she’s never met him, how did she know it was him or his wife when she searched him on social media!

I wouldn’t believe his denials op! I’ve seen a cheating man manage to convince his own wife he was innocent when everyone o knew he wasn’t but his wife ‘knew him’ and ‘believed him’! Of course he’s going to deny it! Ask yourself how this woman knew his name, his wife’s name and that he’d been in Marbella!!! He’s definitely not innocent and his story doesn’t sound genuine

Undertherock · 07/05/2023 12:15

If I were in the same position op, I’d still get an STI test.

As much as you want to believe your dh, there’s likely to be a tiny part of you that wonders, particularly given how high the stakes could be for your own health.

ittakes2 · 07/05/2023 12:17

I think someone’s else’s comment about one of the other wives contacting you could be true. In fairness it could be her husband did this and put the blame on your husband - or if could be her hubby told her and she felt you should know. But your spidery senses must be telling you that it’s a huge red flag this woman knows your name and how to contact you. I would start pressing your hubby for info on the behaviours of the other men and see where this takes you. At the very least he needs to raise this with one of the other men.

Oneandonly22 · 07/05/2023 12:21

Me personally I would act like your moving on for these daft messages and wait to see what he does next. He may have a group chat on his phone for the stag doo and see if your accusations are mentioned on that.

Shapemyeyebrows · 07/05/2023 12:22

@Mumma2Ro sorry but his explanation there is very bizarre and your update makes it even more likely to be true. Yes I think you are being extremely naive but it’s your life. He’s given you the answers you want to instantly believe but I think in time, more will come out. I think it is a wife / partner of one of the stag group who knows and wants you to know but had to pose as someone else to avoid fall out for them and probably because they were worried you probably wouldn't believe it. And you don’t. Now you’ve blocked the Instagram account so you can’t hear anymore that you don’t want to hear. From an outsider, his explanation is that of someone who has cheated and your reaction is also pretty typical too of someone who has the blinkers on.

MayThe4th · 07/05/2023 12:23

Reading these threads just go to show how easy it would be to destroy someone’s marriage.

All you’d have to do is set up a fake instagram account, say you’re an anonymous person and “This was what your husband got up to” and the person is thrown into doubt and women on mn fall over themselves to say that he must be cheating, because a random er on the internet said so, so there must be something in it.

It could equally have been one of the mates having a laugh. It could be that some slept with prostitutes and he didn’t so the mates decided to go on the windup.

The instagram account said it hadn’t actually met him, so that’s not exactly indicative of a trustworthy source is it?

Anyone doing any kind of anonymous shite like this is a cunt, there is literally 0 reason to send anonymous messages to wives. If you’re genuine then you put your name to your accusations or shut the fuck up.

OP I would delete the message. If your husband really is the type to sleep with prostitutes then it will come out in time. But as much as there are posters on here who almost gleefully need to insist that all men are at it, they really aren’t.

Unicorn2022 · 07/05/2023 12:23

OP your DH's story makes no sense at all. Why not just say to you it's completely untrue, rather than come up with that ridiculous story. I'd be inclined to believe the message you received, although I appreciate it will be much easier to delete it and carry on with your lives.

MaryDoll84 · 07/05/2023 12:25

Sorry OP, I think he's feeding you a load of bollocks but at the end of the day, you know your husband and I don't..
If I were you, I'd get hold of his phone. Chances are they'll have had a stag WhatsApp group and you'd be able to get some info from that about what went down, if anything. Although this will now have been deleted unless he's a complete idiot. He may message one of his mates though to let them know you've confronted him and to ask if they know how you know. If it's true, he's obviously going to be angry that the cat's been let out the bag and want to know who's responsible for dropping him in it.

Good luck either way💐 It's your decision but I wouldn't be so quick to sweep it under the carpet.

Brittl · 07/05/2023 12:29

I've done this I made a fake account to inform a woman her current squeeze was a cheating scammer. Who had 4 women on the go, he also scammed an old man with dementia out of 100k. He's a scumbag and she was single vulnerable parent with a 4 month baby. He has 3 kids from a previous relationship. She was desperate for a proper family. I know her parents bought her house and he was going to try get the money.
I told her he went on a date and slept with my friend the same day he met her for a date. He also scammed another girl out of £500 then got money for a tattoo two of the girls had the same name. He was a bad bastard but was so charming.

She didn't believe me quickly got pregnant and married him. Divorced 18 months later cause he's a dick and probably lost half her house. Most people can't be bothered to make an account to solely make trouble. I knew for a fact he had made so many peoples lives a misery.

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 12:30

Unicorn2022 · 07/05/2023 12:23

OP your DH's story makes no sense at all. Why not just say to you it's completely untrue, rather than come up with that ridiculous story. I'd be inclined to believe the message you received, although I appreciate it will be much easier to delete it and carry on with your lives.

What’s weird about it is that you’d think he’d know what his mates got up to if he was there. So either he wasn’t there if so where was he and maybe the insta person is right. Or he was there and he knows full well that his mates were chatting to/shagging women. It’s interesting he doesn’t say that bit was bollocks.

Sugarfree23 · 07/05/2023 12:31

Wither he is lying, or someone is shit stiring is it really worth bearing grudges and destroying a happy relationship over?

NCMum79 · 07/05/2023 12:31

@MayThe4th "Anyone doing any kind of anonymous shite like this is a cunt, there is literally 0 reason to send anonymous messages to wives"

There's every reason to remain anonymous. I was stalked, harassed and had police involvement after I told a woman about her cheating partner. I'd never suggest a woman do it with her own details after that ordeal

Shapemyeyebrows · 07/05/2023 12:35

@Mumma2Ro also, if you step back from the instant relief of him denying it - think about think this logically and realistically! So the lads were bantering with some stranger who has taken it upon herself to find out your name on Instagram and message you over some “banter” on holiday? Really? I don’t believe any such “bantering conservation” took place on holiday to a random stranger in a bar. The most logical explanation is one of the lads has told their partners and they want you to know. Your husband is just running with the story you have been told.

Brittl · 07/05/2023 12:36

It won't be someone who was there. It might be the wife/gf of one of his friends or a close friend of one of the wives. You do a fake account because of the shoot the messenger mentality not worth the drama. Even if the DW doesn't believe it at first when the DH slips up again she will believe it.

TimesRwo · 07/05/2023 12:36

NCMum79 · 07/05/2023 12:31

@MayThe4th "Anyone doing any kind of anonymous shite like this is a cunt, there is literally 0 reason to send anonymous messages to wives"

There's every reason to remain anonymous. I was stalked, harassed and had police involvement after I told a woman about her cheating partner. I'd never suggest a woman do it with her own details after that ordeal

Exactly. My mum told someone her husband was cheating.

Her husband harassed my mum, destroyed her front garden, constant threw rubbish in my mum’s garden, keyed her card and literally threw my mum out of a restaurant when there was a big dinner and he showed up. So I agree with you.

JenWillsiam · 07/05/2023 12:39

Mumma2Ro · 07/05/2023 11:34

Sorry it took me ages to catch up on all of the replies!
so I confronted hubby this morning…… I said to him someone messaged me on instagram saying ‘I’ve got Information about what your husband got up to in Marbella’.
he was like sorry, what ?
his reaction was genuine- and I believe him when he says it’s not true. He said you really think that little of me to believe I would sleep with a prostitute!
he said maybe one of his mates did meet these girls while they were out there, and maybe one of the guys said it as a joke ‘oh yea that big one has paid for a prostitute, the blonde one has shagged someone out here and cheated on his wife bla bla bla’
but he says it 100% is not true. None of it.
he is going to speak to the said friend who supposedly had a conversation with these girls…. My hubby isn’t happy about this. And I know him, and I believe him.
I’ve blocked the instagram account and deleted the message. I asked for more information and if she had any real evidence ….. and she didn’t
thank you for all your replies
I’m sure there’s some comments coming about how I’m silly for believing him!

”you think that little of me…” is the classic line of a guilty party. He’s absolutely gaslighting you.

Seriously. He’s guilty. Which friend? Is he having that conversation in front of you? Or better still you contact him before husband gets the chance to fix the story.

Newmum0322 · 07/05/2023 12:40

So… the woman was actually telling the truth? Someone in your husbands group of friends told her that your husband had slept with a prostitute. He said it with such conviction that she felt compelled to tell you... and you’ve blocked her?

What is her crime exactly?

She’s telling the truth, the truth of what’s she’s been told. On the balance of probabilities I’d suggest your husband is not telling the truth, but that’s for you. But please stop vilifying this woman, I don’t see that’s she’s done anything wrong!

Dalekjastninerels · 07/05/2023 12:43

I am so glad I am single; men are so easily tempted and weak and willing to fuck anyone and there are women who don't give a shit about fucking a married man.

So sorry OP some people are scum and the world is a shitholeSad

NCMum79 · 07/05/2023 12:47

@TimesRwo your poor mum :( It's quite common i've since realised, to end up the target - sometimes of both the H and W if he manages to talk her round.

Choconut · 07/05/2023 12:48

Mumma2Ro · 07/05/2023 11:34

Sorry it took me ages to catch up on all of the replies!
so I confronted hubby this morning…… I said to him someone messaged me on instagram saying ‘I’ve got Information about what your husband got up to in Marbella’.
he was like sorry, what ?
his reaction was genuine- and I believe him when he says it’s not true. He said you really think that little of me to believe I would sleep with a prostitute!
he said maybe one of his mates did meet these girls while they were out there, and maybe one of the guys said it as a joke ‘oh yea that big one has paid for a prostitute, the blonde one has shagged someone out here and cheated on his wife bla bla bla’
but he says it 100% is not true. None of it.
he is going to speak to the said friend who supposedly had a conversation with these girls…. My hubby isn’t happy about this. And I know him, and I believe him.
I’ve blocked the instagram account and deleted the message. I asked for more information and if she had any real evidence ….. and she didn’t
thank you for all your replies
I’m sure there’s some comments coming about how I’m silly for believing him!

So 'maybe' his mates did meet one of these girls? Or his mates definitely met these girls and he knows which mate it is to be able to have a conversation with them? He can't have it both ways.

I think I'd want to hear that conversation and for it to happen right now on speaker phone.

MaryDoll84 · 07/05/2023 12:50

JenWillsiam · 07/05/2023 12:39

”you think that little of me…” is the classic line of a guilty party. He’s absolutely gaslighting you.

Seriously. He’s guilty. Which friend? Is he having that conversation in front of you? Or better still you contact him before husband gets the chance to fix the story.

Show quote history

I was just about to say this..the 'you really think that little of me' is to make you feel guilty so that you'll shut up and not ask any more questions. Every time a man has said this or similar to me, it's because he was lying and trying to make me look like the bad guy to take the heat off him.
You should definitely ask to look at his phone immediately. If there is no WhatsApp group or no messages at all about the holiday or to any of the men that he went away with, then you know he's probably guilty af. You'd expect there to be some communication if they've all just been away together so if he's deleted everything then there's a reason why. And men(and people in general) rarely delete their messages unless they have something to hide.

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 12:56

Yes. Answering a question with a question is a very effective evasion tactic.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 12:57

JenWillsiam · 07/05/2023 12:39

”you think that little of me…” is the classic line of a guilty party. He’s absolutely gaslighting you.

Seriously. He’s guilty. Which friend? Is he having that conversation in front of you? Or better still you contact him before husband gets the chance to fix the story.

Show quote history

I was going to exactly the same thing.

"I can't believe you think I'd do that!" is right out of "the script" - it's designed to make you feel guilty so you shut up.

Ironhouse · 07/05/2023 12:59

Your h sounds like quite the catch...