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Original poster

Think DH knows that I cheated

138 replies

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:35

So about 10 years ago I had a one night stand, it wasn’t romantic or even sexual but it’s a long story and involved a friend of mine and my DH.

I weighed up about telling my husband but decided against it. I did keep a diary of what happened, mostly about my guilt on my phone in ‘notes’ where I detailed it all.

A few months ago DP’s phone broke and he borrowed one of my old ones that was sat in a drawer. I went on his phone today to write a shopping list and saw that all of my notes are on there. It was scrolled quite far down, I think he’s read them all.

I’m not sure what to say or do now. I can’t express what happened or my feelings to him any better than what he will have already read if he knows. And if he didn’t read them then I’m bringing up a 10 year old mistake and risking my marriage. But if I stay silent, this could eat away at him.

I think if he read them, he did it a while ago as he made a strange comment a few weeks ago about writing my feelings down, which fits.

So do I say nothing? Or say something? If so, what?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 05/05/2023 16:40

Wasn’t even sexual? You had sex with someone else and kept your husband in the dark about it. He made a decision to spend these 10 years with you thinking you’re were both committed. Now he knows that’s all a lie and he spent 10 years with someone who betrayed him with a friend of his. I hope he is making plans to leave.

You should be telling him what you did. You should have done it years ago.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 05/05/2023 16:42

I'm confused about the one night stand that wasn't romantic or sexual; did you just sleep over at someone's house on their couch?

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 05/05/2023 16:45

I'm confused, did you have sex with the one night stand?

ZoeCM · 05/05/2023 16:45

It wasn't a one-night stand if it wasn't sexual. Unless you literally stood next to each other all night.

justprance · 05/05/2023 16:45

Why didn't you delete the notes?

I wouldn't say anything. Wait and see.

Tryingandfailing82 · 05/05/2023 16:46

What does a not sexual one night stand look like?

Cherryana · 05/05/2023 16:47

I think this to become a ‘you know he knows but don’t want to let on that you know’ makes a difficult and bleak time in your marriage even bleaker.

I do think you should have a conversation and bring this into the light.

Original poster
Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:48

Wasnt passionate or sexual in the conventional sense.
I was in a dark place, had lost a baby and was planning to leave DH. I confided in my friend (who knew a lot about baby loss) and he said I should sleep with someone else to see if the grass is greener.
I said I couldn’t do it to DH as if he found out it would break him. Friend suggested we do it together as I know I can trust him, then I know DH would never know/be hurt if I decided to stay.
We planned to meet up, i got there, no kissing etc, straight into it like a transaction, it lasted about 2 minutes before I realised how stupid it was and ran out of there. Realised I did love DH and stayed.
It was incredibly stupid, I was in a dark place and he took advantage of that. We no longer speak to the ‘friend’ for other reasons.

OP posts:
Dreamwatchwait · 05/05/2023 16:48

I also think you need to talk to him - poor bloke - what a thing to find . If he was on here he’d be being advised to get his ducks in order .

Tryingandfailing82 · 05/05/2023 16:50

justprance · 05/05/2023 16:45

Why didn't you delete the notes?

I wouldn't say anything. Wait and see.

Or, crazy notion, why didn't they not cheat? Or come clean at the time?

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/05/2023 16:50

I'd be fuming if I'd found something out like this over notes on a phone. It's best to tell him now even if he hasn't seen it. It's not fair on him.

Deathbyfluffy · 05/05/2023 16:51

Dreamwatchwait · 05/05/2023 16:48

I also think you need to talk to him - poor bloke - what a thing to find . If he was on here he’d be being advised to get his ducks in order .

Exactly this. If this was a bloke posting he’d be rinsed

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 05/05/2023 16:52

So it wasn't a heat of the moment thing that happened, it was actually planned?
If the shoe was on the other foot and a man posted this everyone would be saying LTB.
He obviously knows what you've done, maybe he's waiting to see if you fess up or maybe he's planning to leave.
You need to talk to him

ZoeCM · 05/05/2023 16:53

So it was sexual, even if it only lasted two minutes? OP, I really wouldn't downplay this when you discuss it with him. He must feel so betrayed.

Original poster
Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:55

I hope he wouldn’t throw a happy marriage away over a 10 year old mistake. I just feel like if he hasn’t said anything and has acted as normal, that maybe he doesn’t want to discuss it further? If he’s read them he will know every detail already.
But I agree it was terrible thing to do, I’m not disagreeing with that.

OP posts:
CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 05/05/2023 16:57

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:55

I hope he wouldn’t throw a happy marriage away over a 10 year old mistake. I just feel like if he hasn’t said anything and has acted as normal, that maybe he doesn’t want to discuss it further? If he’s read them he will know every detail already.
But I agree it was terrible thing to do, I’m not disagreeing with that.

But his happy marriage is based on deceit, he must be reeling.
Address the elephant in the room and talk to him, even if he doesn't know which I doubt, then he deserves to know. If my DH did this I'd be furious

Dreamwatchwait · 05/05/2023 16:57

you Can sit around for the next ten years wondering if it’s all going to fall apart at any moment and not knowing what he thinks or you can talk about it and deal with what comes ..

AllOfThemWitches · 05/05/2023 16:58

I've never lost a baby so I don't have that particular experience but I'm sure as hell not gonna judge a woman for making a mistake while in a dark place.

Hope everything works out OP.

readbooksdrinktea · 05/05/2023 17:01

I just feel like if he hasn’t said anything and has acted as normal, that maybe he doesn’t want to discuss it further?

Or maybe he's getting things together to leave. That's what you'd be advised to do if he had cheated. To get 'ducks in a row' but don't make out you're doing it.

Original poster
Mistakee · 05/05/2023 17:05

Maybe, but he booked a family holiday for July a week ago. He also has somewhere else he could move to immediately and hasn’t. So I don’t think it’s that.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 05/05/2023 17:05

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:55

I hope he wouldn’t throw a happy marriage away over a 10 year old mistake. I just feel like if he hasn’t said anything and has acted as normal, that maybe he doesn’t want to discuss it further? If he’s read them he will know every detail already.
But I agree it was terrible thing to do, I’m not disagreeing with that.

Whoooah! Hang on. If he decides to end the marriage, its you that threw it away, not him. He hasn't welched on his marriage vows, you have!

ShowUs · 05/05/2023 17:06

Why did you keep it on your phone?

Honestly, I’d be devastated about the cheating and lies and I’d feel the past 10 years were all fake.

But I’d be extra hurt and annoyed that you wrote it down but kept it on your phone.

If I found a man’s confession I’d think it was really weird and would wonder if they truly felt bad/guilty for cheating or not.

He may not have seen it and you are being paranoid or he may have seen it and is just working out whether he wants to end his marriage over this.

You can either be honest about the cheating or not say anything.

Tbh I think if you don’t say anything you will drive yourself mad but worrying about what he knows.

Motnight · 05/05/2023 17:07

But it was sexual?

something2say · 05/05/2023 17:10

I think you should sit him down and ask him. If he has booked a holiday, that seems like it could be a good sign? Maybe that he recognises and remembers the dark time and the fact that you came out of it. Maybe he too was reconsidering the relationship at that time. If your journal entries were all, God how COULD I, what the hell have I done, oh God if ONLY I could take it back@ he might see it for what it was, an huge mistake. It's just the ten years of not knowing that are not good and cannot be made better. For that you can apologise.

But this would eat me up and I'd have to ask. In fact I'd have had to tell at the time, but that's me.

ladydimitrescu · 05/05/2023 17:11

Your "friend" isn't/wasn't your friend. He saw a chance and was in like a shot. It's one of the most bizarre things I've read to be completely honest. I think I'd understand it more if it was a passion, heat of the moment, just happened when you were in an awful place thing. The planning to fuck someone just to see if you might want to leave your husband just doesn't make sense.

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