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Original poster

Think DH knows that I cheated

138 replies

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:35

So about 10 years ago I had a one night stand, it wasn’t romantic or even sexual but it’s a long story and involved a friend of mine and my DH.

I weighed up about telling my husband but decided against it. I did keep a diary of what happened, mostly about my guilt on my phone in ‘notes’ where I detailed it all.

A few months ago DP’s phone broke and he borrowed one of my old ones that was sat in a drawer. I went on his phone today to write a shopping list and saw that all of my notes are on there. It was scrolled quite far down, I think he’s read them all.

I’m not sure what to say or do now. I can’t express what happened or my feelings to him any better than what he will have already read if he knows. And if he didn’t read them then I’m bringing up a 10 year old mistake and risking my marriage. But if I stay silent, this could eat away at him.

I think if he read them, he did it a while ago as he made a strange comment a few weeks ago about writing my feelings down, which fits.

So do I say nothing? Or say something? If so, what?

Thanks.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 05/05/2023 23:31

That man you called you once called a friend was a predatory, exploitative cunt.

How you approach this with your husband, well you know him better than any stranger on the internet. Do you want to talk to him about it? I think it is telling that he has said nothing, for months. The notes he may or may not have read, they are not waxing lyrical about an affair - they are of you coming to terms with being taken advantage of whilst in a poor state of mental health.

Dibbydoos · 06/05/2023 00:10

Talk to him.

YABU. He knows, you kniw, get it out, kick it about. Reconnect. Then out it all to bed.

Dibbydoos · 06/05/2023 00:11

Your ex-mate btw is an abuser. He did that to you both when you were vulnerable, what an AH.

Coyoacan · 06/05/2023 00:11

How weird. I've seen it always recommended on here not to tell your partner about a lapse like the OP's. As it would just be making them feel shit

SemperIdem · 06/05/2023 00:16

Coyoacan · 06/05/2023 00:11

How weird. I've seen it always recommended on here not to tell your partner about a lapse like the OP's. As it would just be making them feel shit

Usually I would recommend exactly that, about a lapse “your guilt, not theirs” essentially. But as the op used a notes app to work through her feelings about that time, notes her husband may have read, it’s not quite the same

craftybeee · 06/05/2023 00:21

ladydimitrescu · 05/05/2023 17:11

Your "friend" isn't/wasn't your friend. He saw a chance and was in like a shot. It's one of the most bizarre things I've read to be completely honest. I think I'd understand it more if it was a passion, heat of the moment, just happened when you were in an awful place thing. The planning to fuck someone just to see if you might want to leave your husband just doesn't make sense.

This

Nopetryagain · 06/05/2023 06:39

Either:

  1. He hasn’t read them.
  2. He has read them and has chosen not to talk about it with you because he’s already forgiven it, or is still processing it or is planning to leave.

Either way what is gained by you raising it now in either situation?

He’s booked a holiday for you, that doesn’t sound like the actions of someone planning to leave.

It sounds like you were taken advantage of at a very vulnerable time. Maybe- if he has read the messages- he can see that too.

DeadButDelicious · 06/05/2023 07:10

I'm not going to judge you OP. I just about lost my mind when I lost my eldest daughter. Grief like that of losing a child can make us do things we wouldn't normally consider. Many couples don't survive the loss of a child, it's too huge a thing to deal with, it either brings you together or pushes you apart in my experience, so I'm not surprised things were hard in the marriage. This 'friend' took advantage of you when you were vulnerable, I'm glad you've cut him out.

As for what to do about your husband. I honestly don't know. There is still the possibility that he doesn't know and if he does he's either biding his time or has made his peace with it. I don't know.

K8ate · 06/05/2023 14:15

DeadButDelicious · 06/05/2023 07:10

I'm not going to judge you OP. I just about lost my mind when I lost my eldest daughter. Grief like that of losing a child can make us do things we wouldn't normally consider. Many couples don't survive the loss of a child, it's too huge a thing to deal with, it either brings you together or pushes you apart in my experience, so I'm not surprised things were hard in the marriage. This 'friend' took advantage of you when you were vulnerable, I'm glad you've cut him out.

As for what to do about your husband. I honestly don't know. There is still the possibility that he doesn't know and if he does he's either biding his time or has made his peace with it. I don't know.

That depends on the situation though doesn’t it.

If it was her dh that was pushing her away then it’s completely understandable that she would be in a dark place and partly explains her actions.

But if he had done nothing wrong and it was the op that was distancing herself from her dh then she is 100% responsible for her actions.

SimoneSimone · 06/05/2023 14:20

Would you forgive him if he had done this to you? That may help you think about what to do next. Good luck!

Parisj · 06/05/2023 14:49

I think it's ok. It happened. You feel remorse. He knows or doesn't know. If he knows, he also knows your complicated feelings about it in a way that is easier to process than you trying to explain (although extremely hard for you to know he may have read all your personal notes, and extremely hard for him to perhaps feel he can't bring it up because he has read your personal notes).
Would you say or do anything different if you were sure he knew vs if he didn't know? I would go forward assuming he knows and is prepared to forgive, until I got evidence to the contrary. Saying something risks rocking a boat he may have decided he is happy on.
If however I saw signs of him struggling with it, I think I would ask if he had read my notes and be prepared to talk about it.

Eleganz · 06/05/2023 15:17

I think the evidence is that he has read it and knows about it. So you need to speak to him.

I would not be reassured about his silence. He may well be doing what we advise women to do here all the time: Getting his ducks in a row before confronting you.

I think you need to be prepared for this revelation to end your marriage and if not, for you to need to put some significant effort into reconciliation here.

My advice to you is to be honest and use straightforward language and I would strongly suggest you do not claim that it "wasn't sexual" as it was and you meaning will not come across well. I would also strongly suggest you do not say to him that he is "throwing away 10 years of happy marriage" at any time or anything else that may come across as trying to blame him if your marriage breaks down.

Hawkins0001 · 19/06/2023 01:00

@Mistakee
Had they been read op ?

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