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Original poster

Think DH knows that I cheated

138 replies

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:35

So about 10 years ago I had a one night stand, it wasn’t romantic or even sexual but it’s a long story and involved a friend of mine and my DH.

I weighed up about telling my husband but decided against it. I did keep a diary of what happened, mostly about my guilt on my phone in ‘notes’ where I detailed it all.

A few months ago DP’s phone broke and he borrowed one of my old ones that was sat in a drawer. I went on his phone today to write a shopping list and saw that all of my notes are on there. It was scrolled quite far down, I think he’s read them all.

I’m not sure what to say or do now. I can’t express what happened or my feelings to him any better than what he will have already read if he knows. And if he didn’t read them then I’m bringing up a 10 year old mistake and risking my marriage. But if I stay silent, this could eat away at him.

I think if he read them, he did it a while ago as he made a strange comment a few weeks ago about writing my feelings down, which fits.

So do I say nothing? Or say something? If so, what?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Addictedtohotbaths · 05/05/2023 19:43

Newnamenewname109870 · 05/05/2023 18:13

I’m so sorry this friend took advantage of you

Me too x

GoodChat · 05/05/2023 19:48

OP are your notes clear about the full situation? Did you get professional help at the time of your loss?

mexicanandafewdrinks · 05/05/2023 19:48

Tryingandfailing82 · 05/05/2023 19:43

What??? This is an absurd leap.

Show quote history

its not an absurd leap at all

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 05/05/2023 19:50

I've had this conversation with my husband. If he had a stupid ONS would I ever want to know? Probably yes, I should. But if he knew in his heart it was a stupid shitty mistake, and he would never do it again, and the relationship was fantastic in every other way, it would probably end a perfectly wonderful relationship that I might never find again, solely out of principle, so I guess no. And I know people will be all "if he loved you he'd never do it!!!!" But I'm not so narrow minded to think things like this are black and white, and people can make selfish mistakes without being bad people/the whole relationship being a lie.

Jl2014 · 05/05/2023 19:53

Really don’t think you should tell him. No good will come of that. You need to permanently get rid of all the notes. Writing it down isn’t a smart move.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 05/05/2023 20:00

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:55

I hope he wouldn’t throw a happy marriage away over a 10 year old mistake. I just feel like if he hasn’t said anything and has acted as normal, that maybe he doesn’t want to discuss it further? If he’s read them he will know every detail already.
But I agree it was terrible thing to do, I’m not disagreeing with that.

Let's hope so. I hid something from DH (the state of my finances) and I knew he'd opened a bank statement. He said nothing for months and then asked me outright. We did get past it though.

It was incredibly stupid what was incredibly stupid was writing it down! 🤦‍♀️

Hope it all works out for you.

putalidonit · 05/05/2023 20:23

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:48

Wasnt passionate or sexual in the conventional sense.
I was in a dark place, had lost a baby and was planning to leave DH. I confided in my friend (who knew a lot about baby loss) and he said I should sleep with someone else to see if the grass is greener.
I said I couldn’t do it to DH as if he found out it would break him. Friend suggested we do it together as I know I can trust him, then I know DH would never know/be hurt if I decided to stay.
We planned to meet up, i got there, no kissing etc, straight into it like a transaction, it lasted about 2 minutes before I realised how stupid it was and ran out of there. Realised I did love DH and stayed.
It was incredibly stupid, I was in a dark place and he took advantage of that. We no longer speak to the ‘friend’ for other reasons.

This person was/is not a friend. They are an opportunistic arsehole taking advantage of yiu when you were grieving

Soakitup37 · 05/05/2023 20:33

Op there are no clear answers to something like this and I think others are being very narrow minded in their pile on. (And yes I do think infidelity is a complex situation so I wouldn’t necessarily say ltb if tables were turned, especially when we don’t know the circumstances) I’m not condoning cheating generally but absolutely there can be mitigating circumstances and these very much play into that. It doesn’t mean the last 10 years have been a lie, people make mistakes and even more so in a dark place.

I think it’ll drive right through you not to speak about it knowing he possibly knows, only you can decide what you’ll do but if it was me I’d have to mention it, even if he has processed it, I don’t think he can completely do that as he’s bound to have unanswered questions.

brunettemic · 05/05/2023 20:42

Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the MN double standards…carry on and I’ll just sit over here eating some popcorn and watching.

whataboutism · 05/05/2023 20:42

Come clean. Come clean in 2023 not 2013. What is at stake today ?

ZIEVAR · 05/05/2023 20:44

YOU WERE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF....NO MATTER HOW DISTRESSING, DRAW A LINE..AND DEMONSTRATE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM...AS I THINK HE MAY BE DOING. SOZ FOR CAPS. BAD EYES.

TheDalaiShawarma · 05/05/2023 20:44

She was coerced into something awful by someone she trusted during one of the worst times in her life.

This. What your ex-friend did to you was horrendous. The worst kind of coercion when you were incredibly vulnerable. The disgusting lengths some men will go to to get their dicks wet will never cease to amaze me.

To those of you saying “what if the shoe was on the other foot?” Until we live for centuries in a culture where it’s an everyday occurrence for women to sexually assault, rape, coerce, and abuse men, then perhaps the situations would be comparable if reversed.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2023 20:45

Sounds like your 'friend' massively abused your trust in him. He manipulated you into having sex with him.

You haven't cheated on your husband in the conventional sense.

Why were you going to leave him back then?

Mollymoostoo · 05/05/2023 20:47

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:55

I hope he wouldn’t throw a happy marriage away over a 10 year old mistake. I just feel like if he hasn’t said anything and has acted as normal, that maybe he doesn’t want to discuss it further? If he’s read them he will know every detail already.
But I agree it was terrible thing to do, I’m not disagreeing with that.

Mistakes are only decisions where the results are not what we hoped for. If you had decided you didbt wabt your husband, you wouldn't be calling it a mistake.
You decided to have sex with a man you are not attracted to because he suggested it will help you decide whether your marriage was actually over? This was cold and calculated. Your husband also lost a child and would have been in a dark place. Ask yourself, if he did this to you what would you do? Sorry but if I was your husband I would be out of there. That is awful.

PortUmber · 05/05/2023 20:47

@Mistakee

A post like this always seems to attract a great many righteous saints who have never erred. IRL, I can’t think of anyone I know who hasn’t had an ‘incident’ at some stage of their relationship. This happened 10 years ago. You were in very low place. I think let your DH bring it up if he wants to discuss it, but does it really have any bearing on your future going forward?

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 05/05/2023 20:49

I'm sorry but I'd rather my husband cheated for passion and for 'sexual' reasons than to 'see if the grass is greener' and purely 'just to see' I'd still kick him out like, either way. But I'd be more offended if he did it when there was really need, at least if there was an attraction to someone I'd sort of understand. You've well and truly taken the piss pal.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 05/05/2023 20:54

Apologies OP, I didn't rtfr properly and jumped in without reading the ins and outs. The 'friend' definitely preyed on your vulnerability, and cohersion took place.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 05/05/2023 20:55

ladydimitrescu · 05/05/2023 17:11

Your "friend" isn't/wasn't your friend. He saw a chance and was in like a shot. It's one of the most bizarre things I've read to be completely honest. I think I'd understand it more if it was a passion, heat of the moment, just happened when you were in an awful place thing. The planning to fuck someone just to see if you might want to leave your husband just doesn't make sense.

The "friend" was a nasty exploitative slimy shit.

Starlitestarbright · 05/05/2023 20:56

Could you imagine if the roles were reversed. He lost a baby too. Imagine if he did the same. You really should have told him at the time so he could have made an decision. Poor man there's no excuse for cheating.

Katherine1985 · 05/05/2023 20:58

There are stages in a loss like that where a couple can’t actually turn to each other, and marriages often don’t survive.

You were so vulnerable and, strange to say, but your reaction to going to meet this ‘friend’ may have actually saved the marriage you were thinking of ending.

Did you (alone or as a couple) get any counselling after your loss?

JudgeRudy · 05/05/2023 20:59

I think you should choose an appropriate moment to ask him if there's anything wrong/on his mind. I think he probably knows. Without seeing your notes it's difficult to guess how he might be feeling but if you've included entries about the hurt you were feeling at the time I think he'll forgive you. I mean, he's still here isn't he.
Broach things from the angle that you think if a couple are able to truly share their feelings, good and bad it can help strengthen a marriage.
I think he's hurt at the betrayal. Not just the act but the secrecy. If you know he really loves you I'd risk it and say you didn't not tell him because he'd leave you, but because you didn't think he would and you didnt want to hurt him. I doubt he'll expect that.
Let him lead the conversation
I believe you're sorry. I also don't think you are entirely to blame.

midnightblue12 · 05/05/2023 20:59

You're always going to be wondering if he knows OP .
You're going to drive yourself insane and your poor husband will suffer when none of this is his fault.

I would just ask him if he read through your notes as you kept some personal things on there and see where the convo goes.

Kit7 · 05/05/2023 21:03

As a man,I’d say personally if this happened to me and I found out I’d be devastated and talking it through would really help. It’s probably eating away at him and this isn’t fair. If he didn’t find out you should still tell him. If he did find out you should definitely talk about it. I’m sure given he’s still with you he will forgive you. If he doesn’t know there’s the risk he will leave but he will probably see sense. Either way don’t live a lie, if you love him you need to tell him about this. It’s things like this that affect men’s MH and people wonder why men struggle so much.
your friend sounds like a complete douchebag and glad you’ve ditched him. Good luck and hope it works out.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/05/2023 21:07

Your friend manipulated you and used how vulnerable you were at that time to prey on you. You had lost your baby, your marriage was in trouble, and if your head was on right you would have seen his "brilliant idea" for what it was.

Tell your DH. The whole thing sounds wretched, and there's every possibility that your DH is able to understand what you were going through and has decided to forgive it. At least ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about and see what his reaction is. It will probably worry at you until it's dealt with.

putalidonit · 05/05/2023 21:07

@Mollymoostoo it's a special kind of person who is more concerned about the one night stand than the grief of losing a child. I pray you never experience this level of pain or the madness it creates in you.

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