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Original poster

Think DH knows that I cheated

138 replies

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:35

So about 10 years ago I had a one night stand, it wasn’t romantic or even sexual but it’s a long story and involved a friend of mine and my DH.

I weighed up about telling my husband but decided against it. I did keep a diary of what happened, mostly about my guilt on my phone in ‘notes’ where I detailed it all.

A few months ago DP’s phone broke and he borrowed one of my old ones that was sat in a drawer. I went on his phone today to write a shopping list and saw that all of my notes are on there. It was scrolled quite far down, I think he’s read them all.

I’m not sure what to say or do now. I can’t express what happened or my feelings to him any better than what he will have already read if he knows. And if he didn’t read them then I’m bringing up a 10 year old mistake and risking my marriage. But if I stay silent, this could eat away at him.

I think if he read them, he did it a while ago as he made a strange comment a few weeks ago about writing my feelings down, which fits.

So do I say nothing? Or say something? If so, what?

Thanks.

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 05/05/2023 21:11

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/05/2023 17:51

Plot twist - he's seen the notes and hasn't said anything because he did the same.

Or he's seen the notes and it has now given him a free pass to do the same.

Sorry OP but I think he probably has read the notes and is thinking what to do about it. It's such a fucked up awful situation for you all. You were taken advantage of by your shit of a friend. Who on earth does that? Prays on a woman who has just lost a baby? It's sick!

I think you do need to speak to your DH. The happy marriage you talk about has been 10 years of a lie. My friend found out her DH cheated some years ago. She stayed but her mental health has suffered terribly as her supposedly happy marriage was a lie and she is struggling to get past that.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 05/05/2023 21:21

What was the comment he made?

Original poster
Mistakee · 05/05/2023 21:31

The phone wasn’t 10 years old, it was a few years old. I still write about it now sometimes as it helps me cope with feelings and anxiety but i will stop that now. The notes were a bit jumbled but did explain the situation in full, and the top ones were when I was having a crisis of if I should tell DH, but I’d decided that although telling him would ease my guilt, it would only cause him pain so it would be selfish to tell him. This was all written in pages of explanation (to myself, maybe I’m still crazy)

I still don’t know if it’s the right thing to do to bring it up now, that feels selfish too. As if I’m getting to control when we discuss it, if he’s made the decision not to.
Im such an idiot and I completely regret it But as someone said above, I do think in a strange way, this saved my marriage. I was ready to leave, but that moment stopped me questioning that entirely. All I wanted was to get home to him.

OP posts:
DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 05/05/2023 21:34

Are you aware of how creepy, rapey and exploitative was your friend's suggestion that you sleep with him to see if it made you want to stay married?

Original poster
Mistakee · 05/05/2023 21:37

Oh yes definitely! At the time, no. And although we remained friends for a while, me and the friend never once spoke of it again.

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 05/05/2023 21:41

I think you do need to speak to your DH. The happy marriage you talk about has been 10 years of a lie. My friend found out her DH cheated some years ago. She stayed but her mental health has suffered terribly as her supposedly happy marriage was a lie and she is struggling to get past that.

So the options are

  1. for OP to tell him the truth, risking her marriage and her husband’s mental health, despite the fact that she recognizes herself that it was a terrible mistake that occurred at an awful time, that will never happen again

or

  1. for OP to continue to carry that difficult weight and horrible guilt herself and choose not to hurt her husband

Why do you think 1) is better? I understand it’s honest and gives him the chance to walk away based on the truth, and all that, but is it really better? Isn’t it sometimes preferable to leave the past in the past?

Telling him would probably be easier for OP as she could get it all out there in the open, but if I was her spouse and it was genuinely a situation that wouldn’t be repeated, I’d probably rather continue in my happy marriage without being put through all the unnecessary pain of learning about it and then being faced with the impossible situation of whether to stay or go.

And if he did read it and knows and hasn’t talked about it, then there’s a reason for that. OP may never know the reason, but should probably respect his choice not to raise it, rather than easing her own discomfort with the uncertainty. Again, what would it achieve for OP to bring it up, if he hasn’t?

I know it’s hard OP, and of course if you don’t discuss it, then there’s a chance he might bring it up later. From the holiday booking, it doesn’t sound like he’s making plans to leave. In your shoes, I would delete the messages and remain silent, as you have done for all these years, and in time, the worry will retreat again, even if it never quite goes away.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/05/2023 21:57

He probably feels a bit guilty for reading your private stuff but is also shocked at what he read. Hopefully he has processed it and realises from what you wrote that you know it was a mistake, you were in a dark place, etc. (And that so-called friend took a massive advantage of you, do you realise that?) I would keep quiet. He has obviously decided to stick with you. Put it behind you and stop writing about it - live in the present, not the past!

Wheresthebeach · 05/05/2023 22:17

It sounds like your so called friend took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. Vile thing for him to do. I’d not say anything.

Blueeyedmale · 05/05/2023 22:17

I'm not going pass judgement on you beacuse losing a baby is a very traumatic experience, but this so called friend has exploited your vulnerability at that time, suggesting sleeping with someone else when you are struggling with the loss of a baby is taking advantage in my opinion, I would not class that as a friend

I would not let a mistake from 10 years ago destroy your marriage good luck OP I hope it all works out for you

Iamtheonwandlonely · 05/05/2023 22:27

PriOn1 · 05/05/2023 21:41

I think you do need to speak to your DH. The happy marriage you talk about has been 10 years of a lie. My friend found out her DH cheated some years ago. She stayed but her mental health has suffered terribly as her supposedly happy marriage was a lie and she is struggling to get past that.

So the options are

  1. for OP to tell him the truth, risking her marriage and her husband’s mental health, despite the fact that she recognizes herself that it was a terrible mistake that occurred at an awful time, that will never happen again

or

  1. for OP to continue to carry that difficult weight and horrible guilt herself and choose not to hurt her husband

Why do you think 1) is better? I understand it’s honest and gives him the chance to walk away based on the truth, and all that, but is it really better? Isn’t it sometimes preferable to leave the past in the past?

Telling him would probably be easier for OP as she could get it all out there in the open, but if I was her spouse and it was genuinely a situation that wouldn’t be repeated, I’d probably rather continue in my happy marriage without being put through all the unnecessary pain of learning about it and then being faced with the impossible situation of whether to stay or go.

And if he did read it and knows and hasn’t talked about it, then there’s a reason for that. OP may never know the reason, but should probably respect his choice not to raise it, rather than easing her own discomfort with the uncertainty. Again, what would it achieve for OP to bring it up, if he hasn’t?

I know it’s hard OP, and of course if you don’t discuss it, then there’s a chance he might bring it up later. From the holiday booking, it doesn’t sound like he’s making plans to leave. In your shoes, I would delete the messages and remain silent, as you have done for all these years, and in time, the worry will retreat again, even if it never quite goes away.

The only thing though is that she doesn't know how much her DH knows.
And I think it's unfair to both of them to have that hanging over your head.
Plus probably the way the @Mistakee is acting it's bound to come out.

She needs to be honest and let her DH make his own mind up.

Blueeyedmale · 05/05/2023 22:29

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 05/05/2023 21:34

Are you aware of how creepy, rapey and exploitative was your friend's suggestion that you sleep with him to see if it made you want to stay married?

100 per cent makes you worry how many vulnerable women he has exploited to get what he wants

Mark19735 · 05/05/2023 22:32

Be practical. Ask him directly if he read your notes. If he says no, believe him. If he says yes, tell him that you wanted him to. Tell him that you've wanted to discuss things with him for a long time but didn't know how, and thought that writing it down for him to see would be a way to broach the subject. Then ask him what he thinks about what you wrote. Don't explain, or justify, or make it about you and your needs. Ask him what he thinks and listen to what he tells you. Then go on from there. Far better to proceed on facts - even ones you don't like - than on fears.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 05/05/2023 22:40

I wouldn't say anything. Your so called friend was predatory and took advantage of your loss to get his leg over. Vile.

I wouldn't say anything to your DH as you were taken advantage of and came to your senses right away and got out of there.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 05/05/2023 22:41

You were in a dark place.

Your friend knew that and rather than be a friend he manipulated your vulnerability and confusion and took full advantage.

You made a mistake.

It happened 10 years ago.

You’ve never repeated that mistake.

No I wouldn’t speak to DH about it. I would leave it. If he brings it up which he might do if he knows then deal with it if/when it happens.

We’re all human, sometimes things happen and we make bad decisions. It happens.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/05/2023 22:41

AllOfThemWitches · 05/05/2023 16:58

I've never lost a baby so I don't have that particular experience but I'm sure as hell not gonna judge a woman for making a mistake while in a dark place.

Hope everything works out OP.

Same. Grief can make people do really stupid and destructive things. I have never been unfaithful but I know that grief made me feel lost , I was really vulnerable for a while.

Soapyspuds · 05/05/2023 22:42

So not sexual aside from having sex?

What the actual fuck are you taking about?

zombie0037 · 05/05/2023 22:45

What would you do, if he did exactly the same to you?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2023 22:46

Today's lesson... Never write anything down.

Greycloudlooming · 05/05/2023 22:49

Oh OP. I’m so sorry you had to go through such a difficult time all while your friend took advantage of you. I’m even more sorry that there’s just some vile and judgemental comments on here.

I wouldn’t raise it with your husband. If he has read it then he knows all he needs to know. He’d ask questions if he needed to know more. If he hasn’t read it then you’re bringing him into a world of pain. but if he ever does bring it up, he deserves total honesty and truth.

I hope you find peace OP. Please forgive yourself x

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/05/2023 22:59

Least said soonest mended

Oh and delete the notes!

porridgeisbae · 05/05/2023 23:06

I think the 'friend' totally took advantage of you @Mistakee . You confided in him what you were going through with bereavement and marital issues, and he convinced you sex would be therapeutic and that you should shag him. Envy What a nasty guy.

@Mistakee I was raped and taken advantage of by someone and my then partner said 'it's not your fault, you were taken advantage of.' Maybe your DH feels the same.

If I were you I would've deleted those files off his phone.

Don't let this stop you journalling if you find it helpful, just find safer ways of doing it, I'm sure there are sites/technology deliberately designed for that.

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 05/05/2023 23:06

Your ‘friend’ completely took advantage of you and is not someone I would trust if I were you. Why would sleeping with someone you don’t feel a spark or physical connection with help or prove anything? I’m so sorry you were in a dark place.

MissTrip82 · 05/05/2023 23:06

I don’t believe that anyone who writes detailed notes on their phone about cheating then keeps the phone for years after it’s not longer used doesn’t want to be caught.

nidgey · 05/05/2023 23:17

OP, I'm sorry about the loss and your friend taking advantage.

I'd let sleeping dogs lie for now, but delete the notes fgs.

Aweebitpainful · 05/05/2023 23:17

That’s not a friend OP!! I’m not going to pass judgement as you were in a bad place as you say and it very much sounds like this man exploited that.

You know your OH better than we do. Go with your gut feeling here.