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Original poster

Think DH knows that I cheated

138 replies

Mistakee · 05/05/2023 16:35

So about 10 years ago I had a one night stand, it wasn’t romantic or even sexual but it’s a long story and involved a friend of mine and my DH.

I weighed up about telling my husband but decided against it. I did keep a diary of what happened, mostly about my guilt on my phone in ‘notes’ where I detailed it all.

A few months ago DP’s phone broke and he borrowed one of my old ones that was sat in a drawer. I went on his phone today to write a shopping list and saw that all of my notes are on there. It was scrolled quite far down, I think he’s read them all.

I’m not sure what to say or do now. I can’t express what happened or my feelings to him any better than what he will have already read if he knows. And if he didn’t read them then I’m bringing up a 10 year old mistake and risking my marriage. But if I stay silent, this could eat away at him.

I think if he read them, he did it a while ago as he made a strange comment a few weeks ago about writing my feelings down, which fits.

So do I say nothing? Or say something? If so, what?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/05/2023 17:12

I’d just try to forget about it, until he says anything. That’s what most men would do.

justprance · 05/05/2023 17:12

Motnight · 05/05/2023 17:07

But it was sexual?

It does sound like a penis entered a vagina, doesn't it?

TidyDancer · 05/05/2023 17:13

How can you possibly have a trusting relationship with him if you have this massive elephant in the room? He almost certainly knows, you know he knows and yet you're not talking about it. It's this that will wreck you at this point, not the cheating itself. I honestly think if you have a chance at a future together this needs to be brought out in the open.

I'm very sorry for the loss you went through, I can completely appreciate it would've affected your rationale at the time. Perhaps your DH has also realised this and that's why he's not said anything.

Motnight · 05/05/2023 17:15

If Op was saying that she had found out her husband had done this, we would all be saying sti check and assume that this wasn't a one off

Fuckstix · 05/05/2023 17:16

If it happened as you describe and you wrote down the full details and have cut ties with the friend for other reasons (regarding his behaviour?) then it might be that he understands and doesn't want to drag it up. I wouldn't rely on this being the case but if it's been a good 10 years since then I wouldn't catastrophise either. If you're really having a bad time with knowing he probably knows then it may be best all round to have the conversation.

What did the discussion with your friend look like, as in was it one convo, him quickly working on you when in a bad place, or a lot of secrecy and private chats? Was there any prior attraction, history or flirting? What I mean is, could DH have suspected before? If so then this could put that straight for him.

phishfoodforlife · 05/05/2023 17:16

@Mistakee I'm not going to add to the judgment because I think you already feel bad enough.

It sounds like you were in a a really vulnerable place and really regret what happened.

I think you do need to say something though because otherwise you will be constantly wondering when/if it might be brought up and that would probably be worse than dealing with the immediate fallout for both of you.

It does sound like he's willing to move on from it if he's making plans and hasn't left but you won't know unless you ask.

If he says it's ok and he doesn't want to talk about it then respect that.

Allthecheeseplease · 05/05/2023 17:16

Wow. I hope a lot of you never make a mistake when in a dark place. OP maybe talk to him. Does he understand how terrible you felt at the time? After losing a baby not only was there grief but also your hormones would have been wildly fluctuating. You don't deserve the judgement you're getting in some of these posts.

5128gap · 05/05/2023 17:16

I think its a very bad idea to ask him.
He's silent for one of three reasons.
He's not read it.
He's read it and decided on the ostrich approach.
He's read it and the content, plus what he understands of the context, the coercion and your state of mind at the time, means he is going to overlook it.
Whichever is correct, nothing will be served by raising it, other than bring forward a crisis that with luck you might avoid altogether.

Original poster
Mistakee · 05/05/2023 17:17

I kept it on my phone because when I felt anxious and depressed I’d write down different things that were on my mind and that included that. It wasn’t written as a confession, more like a diary.

And yes clearly it was sexual as it included sex, I meant in my OP it wasn’t sexually motivated in the traditional way a ONS goes. I know it sounds strange written down, I look back and think the same. That it was a bizzare and stupid thing to do, I don’t know why I ever agreed to it or thought it would help anything and wish I hadn’t.

I don’t know what to say to him, he’s acting his usual self and I think he’s known for a while. I don’t want to bring back any hurt that he’s maybe already processed now but I also don’t want to make it worse by not saying anything

OP posts:
FrogsLegs37 · 05/05/2023 17:17

If it didn’t eat you up with stress and guilt before now, surely the not knowing if he knows is going to melt your head now?

I wouldn’t be able to not get it out in the open if it was me.

I think I would go to him and say “there were some notes on my old phone that are now on your phone. Shall we talk about it now?”

MysteryBelle · 05/05/2023 17:18

My advice is that generally it is not a good idea to take a foolish and colossal lapse in judgement then write down all the details of it. Anyone could stumble upon it and someone did. You h may have needed to make a quick note during the time he borrowed your phone and saw your inglorious behavior writ large.

The note turned out to hurt you and your marriage, not help you work out your ‘guilt’.

HangingOver · 05/05/2023 17:18

I hope he wouldn’t throw a happy marriage away over a 10 year old mistake

He only has your word for it that it was only once though.

Hellno45 · 05/05/2023 17:19

You have lied to him, by ommision, for 10 years. I think you need to come clean and talk it though with him. It's not a 10 year old mistake to him because he's just found out. He might not want to believe it. He might be processing or biding his time.

Devonshiregal · 05/05/2023 17:25

Wait, so are you going to now delete the notes? Because he might not have read it now but he still can if it’s just sitting there on his phone?

never write anything down!

affor · 05/05/2023 17:48

Just leave it. If he knows he can decide what to do with that info.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/05/2023 17:51

Plot twist - he's seen the notes and hasn't said anything because he did the same.

SeasonsBleatings · 05/05/2023 17:53

It sounds rather like you were in a very bad place mentally and taken advantage of potentially. In your shoes I would have to tell DH as I couldn't stand waiting to see if/when he raised it.

ShyMaryEllen · 05/05/2023 17:53

You know your husband and people on here don't.

Is he the type to confront things, or does he prefer to let sleeping dogs lie? Not everyone wants to discuss or be told everything, as then they have to take action. Some conversations are only ever going to end badly, and this could well be one of them. If he's in the latter group, maybe mention the phone once, to give him the option to mention what he found, but leave him the option of keeping his knowledge to himself if that's what he'd prefer to do? If he's the confrontational type, he will probably bring it up anyway, so you need to think about how you will respond if he does.

Don't beat yourself up. Yes, it was a very bad idea, and no, you shouldn't have done it, but it was ten years ago, and everyone does stupid things sometimes.

Barrythetimesprout · 05/05/2023 18:00

Very impressed that a ten plus year old phone dumped in a drawer still works perfectly, and you could find a charger, and you remembered the pin.

Summerfun54321 · 05/05/2023 18:01

This sounds like a cheesy movie full of things people in real life never do. Non sexual sex followed by some note taking after the event...so odd. Delete the messages and pretend it never happened.

CreamTeaThievery · 05/05/2023 18:03

If he had seen it then he clearly doesn't want to talk about it, I think it would be selfish if you to bring it up now.

Iamacatslave · 05/05/2023 18:04

@Motnight exactly what I was thinking.

Henbags · 05/05/2023 18:07

You could just ask him if he’d gone through your notes. If he says no and asks why you’ve asked then you could say it had an idea of a birthday gift for him on there or something if you don’t want to discuss it any further. Sound him out.

PinkButtercups · 05/05/2023 18:07

I'm sorry you were in a dark place but I'm assuming that your DH was in a dark place too if it was his baby to?

You need to tell him. I really don't think this is fair at all on him. What a shitty thing to do.

Mbop · 05/05/2023 18:08

Say nothing. If he ever mentions it say it was you unloading and some of it was true some fantasy.

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