Think DH knows that I cheated

[Mistakee]

So about 10 years ago I had a one night stand, it wasn’t romantic or even sexual but it’s a long story and involved a friend of mine and my DH.

I weighed up about telling my husband but decided against it. I did keep a diary of what happened, mostly about my guilt on my phone in ‘notes’ where I detailed it all.

A few months ago DP’s phone broke and he borrowed one of my old ones that was sat in a drawer. I went on his phone today to write a shopping list and saw that all of my notes are on there. It was scrolled quite far down, I think he’s read them all.

I’m not sure what to say or do now. I can’t express what happened or my feelings to him any better than what he will have already read if he knows. And if he didn’t read them then I’m bringing up a 10 year old mistake and risking my marriage. But if I stay silent, this could eat away at him.

I think if he read them, he did it a while ago as he made a strange comment a few weeks ago about writing my feelings down, which fits.

So do I say nothing? Or say something? If so, what?

Thanks.

I don't think the OP needs to lie anymore.

I'm sorry for your loss, all I can say is grief is a complex creature and I get what you did was due to that weird self destruction kind of behaviour that grief can bring out.

I'm just really sorry and hope whatever happens he can understand some vile bastard took advantage of your shaky mental health.

X

The double standards on MN wrt cheating are spectacular.

How would you feel if you had found these notes on your husbands phone?

Or hadn't found them but your husband was lying about this for 10 years?

If you'd be okay with it, don't say anything. But I can't see many people actually thinking 'oh well, the past is the past'. A lot of people would think it was unfair you haven't told him and would want to know if it was them.

I’m so sorry this friend took advantage of you

Say you're writing a book.

I wouldn't mention it unless he asks. If he asks then you should be honest. But until then, I wouldn't open that can of worms because you just don't know what else might come out. Most people would be outraged and heartbroken to find out their partner cheated on them. There might be a reason your DH isn't.

Yes. I was thinking this too

Ergo - it's all evened out

Very good point. I hadn't considered this at all

I agree with this tbh.

I think he does deserve to know but in these circumstances it doesn't seem right to bring it up.

Whilst cheating isn't ideal I hope the OP is given respect here.
She was coerced into something awful by someone she trusted during one of the worst times in her life.
Grief over losing my baby made me absolutely psychotic, I'm genuinely lucky I didn't get arrested or sectioned.

@Mistakee if you do discuss it, tell him everything, not saying downplay it or don't accept blame, but ensure he knows that you weren't doing this out of lust and it was in a place of mental anguish.
You weren't rational, you lacked logic and your grief was tremendous. Nobody decent would have gone near you, let alone convince you. That person wasn't a friend, he's a predatory fucker who'll have done this before and since.
I'm actually really angry after reading this because the one thing needed after losing a baby is you should be protected, your body and brain are in shock and ache and it sounds like you were struggling massively.

Idk if this will relate with you but...
I didn't cheat but I threatened to kill a woman with my bare hands because she was rude to me.
I remember feeling like it wasn't real life as I said it to her, she was rude and instead of just shrugging it off etc, I just froze and said, "talk to me like that again and I will fucking kill you" and she took it quite well actually. But it was like being a different person, I even said it without my accent, which sounds like a strange thing to say but it really didn't feel like me talking.

I really hope that things are okay for you.

Just leave it.

Grief over losing my baby made me absolutely psychotic, I'm genuinely lucky I didn't get arrested or sectioned.

I lost a baby and was utterly deranged for some time afterwards.

The OP was taken advantage of at a massively vulnerable time. I'd hope that if she wrote about it in her diary, it says pretty much the same as she's said in this thread.

If so, if I were her husband and read it, I'd really despise the so called friend, and want to take OP on holiday because what she did was an act of madness when her mind was not in its normal state.

An act she didn't enjoy, knew almost immediately was wrong, and one she stopped as soon as she got her senses back.

Oh love, I am so so sorry, both about your baby and about this complete bastard who took advantage of you. I think you need to talk to your husband about it. You know he knows and he probably knows you know he knows etc and it will fog your marriage if you don't bring it out in the open. Grief makes you behave in extraordinary ways and he should know that he has nothing to fear in terms of your doing such a thing again. You were talked into it by that bastard when you were beside yourself and desperate for anything that would make the pain go away. Have an honest chat with him. He sounds like a good man, and I hope it works out for you. x

I wouldn't bring it up, unless he does. It was a terrible thing to do, but it was 10 years ago and it was a mistake. He sounds as if he already knows and has decided not to pursue it, or is still deciding what to do.

If you wrote down in your notes why you did it or the way you felt afterwards, maybe he realises it was a mistake on your part and he doesn't want to throw away what you have now for something you did wrong over a decade ago. I would say nothing but if it comes up, I would be honest about why you did what you did and ask him to forgive you. Everybody is different, but if he knows it was out of character for you, he may well find it in his heart to forgive you (there is also a chance he already has).

Really? That's completely normal to me! Why would a phone randomly stop working? Most phones have near universal chargers eg lightening or usb c, or people are brand loyal eg all my are apples so I could easily lay my hands on a charger. Plus my pin has been the same since I got my first bank card as a teenager

I'm sorry for your loss x

I would have to mention it.
Otherwise it's just going to wreck your head.
At least you'll be in charge of bringing it up.
Wouldn't it be worse if he brought it up on holiday.
You're never going to have peace with this hanging over you.

I didn’t get the impression that it was the very same phone she wrote the notes at the time. You keep data from phone to phone. And it’s an ongoing issue that she writes about.

I found this so hard to read. For both of you. I hope you find a way through this.

That was no friend. He coerced you in a dark time into a situation you were not happy with for his own benefit. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

if it were me and you are able to talk with your husband I would talk about it. He clearly now’s, maybe he sees the pain and understands. Maybe he doesn’t want it discuss it, but both of you pretending that he hasn’t read it just isn’t going to work long term.

maybe suggest some couple therapy or even on your own. I think you might need to explore what happened to you and why.

if he hasn't brought it up but saw it, its extremely likely he was also having an affair, but probably much More long term, romantically and emotionally invested. imo you should check his phone

also - that friend was no friend. they manipulated and took advantage of your shaky state of mind. I hope they are no longer a part of your life

What??? This is an absurd leap.