Staying together till kids have grown up?

[ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt]

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

Well yes but now your children are older and all in school as of this year childcare will be costing you much less so there must be some slack in your budget from that? And if money is an issue then focus on that first. You need to get yourself in a good place emotionally, physically, mentally, practically before starting a relationship anyway.

I know single parents can go out in the evenings!! I said I can’t!! Are people not reading?? I know many single mums that go out in the evenings whilst their kids dad has them or whilst their mum does. That does not apply here I can’t afford babysitters I am up to my eyes in debts from things in my past which is leaving me with just enough to get by.

Okay. I mean like I said I manage to go out and I have no family help and my children's father has no contact with them at all. As your children get older they'll also have sleepovers with friends as well as the paid childcare option.

It sounds as though you have some bigger issues going on around finances etc that it would be better to focus on fixing first, before you start thinking about relationships. It seems like a very bad idea to try to pursue that when you're not in a happy place with your own life.

Can you just focus on yourself and your children for now? More time for yourself now they're a little bigger, focus on work and how to earn more and stabilise your finances, maybe some therapy to deal with this need you feel for a relationship, and then you might find yourself in a much happier place?

On the back of this I decided to look up babysitters
in my area and the cost of them varies but average of £20 per hour!! With a minimum booking of 4/5 hours!! And you think this is affordable for most single mums? If I wanted a baby sitter once a week I’m looking at 320 a month minimum. Yeah very affordable for a single mum!

What about swapping sleepovers with friends with kids similar ages? Or asking staff from the nurseries they went to? Lots do that as extra income. Most people don't expect it has to be 5 hours. There are nanny facebook groups etc, sitters is a good site. Friends may be able to recommend someone, or may have a teenage child who could do it if you get to know them. £20 seems pretty high even for London, for basic babysitting when children are already in bed asleep. And you wouldn't need to go out for an evening every week, no need to rush things and could do some daytime dates too. Do your children do any weekend clubs, go to birthday parties, etc? It seems like you are deliberately shooting down any suggestion anybody makes. I really don't understand the reason for this rush to date anyway, when you don't seem to be in the right place emotionally or financially to be looking for a relationship and would be much better off spending some time working on other aspects of life so that you're happy first. Sorry that I have made you so angry, I was trying to help.

He sounds like a crap Dad who isn't even trying to be in his kids lives so why on Earth do you want to get back with him for their sake? My Mum stayed with my Dad for "stability" well into my teens, it was shit and I was relieved when they finally split after my GCSEs. I could understand if he was a doting stable father but he isn't even sorting himself to have them overnight or bothered to be closer to them.

Get a babysitter and start dating, you can date for years before introductions and just don't facilitate a new man to abuse your children (as that it what alot of the parents of abused children in the news did) I know some lovely step parents with successfully blended families.

You are welcome to look on childcare.co.uk that's where I looked. My friends don't need to swap babysitting they have very involved exes. I don't do the school run at the same time so don't know any of the parents from the school so sleep overs aren't a thing, we have been to parties but the other parents weren't very chatty and I'm not friends with them. I tried to initiate conversation but everyone already knew each other and was sat in little groups. I never said I was looking for a relationship, I'm not I haven't actively tried in 5 years.

Huh your really taking into account not messing the kids brains up wow. Talk about mixing them for life so an ex then get back together for the sake of it. Yep really showing them what a worthwhile relationship isn't. What a mess bless them

Sorry but get off your high horse tarring step fathers duno where you get your ideas in that score I had most amazing step dad after my own dad passed and my kids have an amazing step dad. And not being funny if your ex doesn't even have the kids to stay he can't be that close to them. Weird all round

Ok I am really confused now. I thought the entire premise of your thread was that you don't like being single and you don't want to introduce an unrelated man into your children's lives (wise IMO) and from this you thought your only option was to re-establish your relationship with their father. Even though he's a douchebag who walked out on you when they were tiny and barely bothers to parent them.

This is madness. So we all tell you this is madness. That as a single mother there are ways to date if you wish to, without ever involving the man in your children's lives if you do not wish to. And now you say you don't actually want a relationship. So why then are you even considering getting together again with your ex?

Read the news? funny how MN threads usually say involving a step father is the worst thing you can do for a child but on this thread I'm mad for saying I don't want my children to have one? Who said they are all bad? I simply stated I don't want to take the risk!

To me it sounds like you're unhappy with several things e.g. your finances, your lack of a support network. And you're projecting this onto being single and convincing yourself that is the reason you're unhappy and that you'd be happy if you were in a relationship.

But it doesn't work like that. You'd take all your baggage, the low self-esteem that makes you feel sad about or fear being single, your financial problems, the lack of good friends, into any relationship you were in anyway, with your ex or anybody else. With the added disaster for your DC that if it was with your ex they'd be even more confused when it inevitably goes wrong because you don't even love him and he's lazy and a shit parent because he is their father and you'd have been playing happy families, when with someone new it need not involve your DC at all.

I think you not wanting to be single stems from your other issues and you think a relationship would somehow fix them. It won't.

Why not take the time while your children are small to enjoy that time with them, focus on yourself with therapy, career building to fix the financial issues and using some of your free time as they get bigger to build a support network and make friends? Why not invite some of your DCs friends over, and get to know some parents that way? Easier 1:1. Or take kids to park run or something. Focus on you. Then when you're in a better place you can think again in a few years whether a relationship is what you want, and be in a position to choose a good one if it is.

It doesn't have to involve your children at all, many single fathers will also want to keep things separate from family life. But the fact you'd even contemplate re-establishing a relationship with your ex given what you've said about him and how he treated you and DCs seems to indicate that you're not in the right frame of mind to even think about a relationship with him or anybody else until you've worked through a lot of stuff on your own.

I would date if my childrens father could take them so I could have a totally separate relationship and see my boyfriend whilst my children were with their father but being with them every day makes dating difficult and keeping things separate, it really does regardless of what's being said on here. I don't want to blend families I don't want my children to have a step father I would have a boyfriend if i could keep it totally separate but I do not and repeat do not want a fwb and thats what I will attract whilst I have little to no free time, what man would be happy sitting in every single time with me unable to go anywhere come on be real! Dont act like men won't resent this. He will find someone who has free time, unless he's only coming round for sex that is. Friends are not what I'm looking for most are busy with their own families and the ones who are not are the ones out every week who don't invite me anywhere as they know I can't come. I actually feel lonelier when I'm around them they invite me out to a restaurant spmetimes because they feel sorry for me but they are all childfree whilst I'm with my kids sitting there like the odd one out and they clearly feel sorry for me then they go for a night out after whilst I go home to look after my children. Then I get to hear what a great night they had. Friends don't always help with loneliness.

What about their Dad babysitting them in your house? If you trust him enough to consider getting back together there shouldn't be an issue with that.

Obviously your childfree friends will be living differently. As discussed already, you can hire a babysitter so you can go out for dinner with them. But also, you would probably find you have more in common at this stage of life with other mothers. Try to connect with those at school or DC's clubs or use meetup or whatever. Then you will feel more connected and supported.

I have no idea why you think that all men would assume you want a FWB if you are dating and you're clear that a) you are a single mother; b) you have limited time available and wish to take things slowly; and c) you do not want a FWB. You can be clear early on about expectations. Most people once they have been through marriage/ kids/ separation/ divorce understand that people they are dating will be in similar situations, cautious because of children, taking things slowly and not in a position to jet off on holiday for a week spontaneously like someone might have done a decade earlier pre-kids. If you are upfront about what you want - no moving in together etc - you will find divorced men who think similarly, and have no desire to blend families. There is no need to, even long term. You can carve out increasingly more time as your children get older but there's nothing wrong with taking things super slowly for a few years and many men will be in a similar position: busy with their children and careers and not want to rush. I don't see why you think there would be women like this but not men?

But as I said I don't think you seem to be in the right state of mind at all, to consider dating anyone atm. It's been so sad reading your posts, you don't seem to value yourself and sound so, so negative on every subject, shooting down every single suggestion anybody's made. Honestly I do understand how tough it is as like I said I am a lone parent. But I think you should forget anything about your ex - just reading your posts about him gave me the ick to vomit levels - and about dating at all, and focus on happiness, finances, kids, career, friends, therapy, until you feel much, much better. Things will improve if you do this and develop a more positive perspective and outlook,

You want to get back together with a guy that walked leaving you to care for newborn/young baby and all your other DC completely on your own? He left, he barley sees his DC, he won't move closer so he can see them more, not exactly great father material. I think if you do get back together one of two things will happen. Either he will leave everything to you and you will end up drowning in resentment or he will leave again because that's his MO when things get tough.

Staying in a so-so marriage for the children is a very different scenario to getting back into a relationship with your ex 5 years after he walked out in you. Why would you trust him to stick around this time? What makes you think if you got back together it would last? What's changed that would make it work this time?

How many children do you have OP?

If you get back together with your ex, is it going to be in a genuine attempt to make a go of it permanently, but accepting that if it doesn't work you'll stick it out until the DC are grown up? Because otherwise I think you'll end up resenting him rather than enjoying his company.

I do get what you say about not having the ability to pay for a babysitter. It's hard without funds to meet and date a guy for long enough to get an idea of he's ok and then I introduce him to your DC and see how things go.

Maybe a third option, dedicate some time to getting ahead financially?

I see this is just as infuriating a thread in the morning as it was last night.

Readers, save yourselves: this poster doesn't want your thoughts or advice. Unless it's you telling her that your parents did it and you have an amazing life.

Actually, I have a question.

Taking out how you're feeling about being alone, can you define what it is you think you'll be providing the children by reconciling with your ex.

Can you describe to us the benefits that you see from taking this action, to your kids (not you).

I’ve read all your responses now and can conclude it would likely be a terrible idea. You want to be in a relationship with your ex who - by your own words - is doing fuck all for your kids at present and you some how think being in a relationship again will do what exactly? I don’t think you’d be any less lonely, yeah you might have someone to talk to occasionally but I very much doubt whether he is going to ease any of the burden of looking after kids if he’s doing fuck all now. Your kids deserve better and you do too. There’s a real self-destruct tone coming from your posts and you sound really sad and self-loathing that you think this is all you deserve from life and I feel really sorry for you to be honest. X you deserve more, don’t inflict this on yourself and your kids.

They would have their father in their lives more which is what they want, they want to see him more often.

Well I made a bad choice and picked a rubbish father for my children I can't go back in time and change that now so I have to make the best of the situation that's done now. My point about step fathers was I wont be one of those women who introduce kids quickly because they never get any time away from them. Easy to date and not involved children if you only spend 50% of your time with them. The mums I've spoken to who have their kids full time like me either don't date or they have "sneaky links" that come round whilst their kids are in bed (their words not mine.)

Except that’s not what he wants. If he did he would already be making the effort to see them.
clearly neither of you actually give a shit about the children. Only about yourselves.

Look, he's left you once and he'll do it again. It's not like he's spent the past five years growing up, building a relationship with his kids, working hard and paying maintenance, treating you with respect is it? It is hard being a single parent, but it's even harder having a immature waster of a bloke living with you - the fact he's the kids dad will not make that fact go away.

You're giving your kids stability and are being a good example to them - working, having friends, protecting them. I know you are lonely and feeling down but you've got this... things will change as they grow older, you will have a bit more freedom, their dad might even step up (though you can make this happen). It is hard for you right now but, honestly, your solution will make it immeasurably harder.

😂 yeah because when you have kids you have to sacrifice your life and never do anything other than be a parent until they grow up and move out.