Staying together till kids have grown up?

[ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt]

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP despite almost every single person repeatedly explaining there is a massive grey area between moving back in an ex who has shown little interest in his own kids and being single until the youngest turns 18, you're determined to keep saying they are the only two choices available to you.

They aren't. And frankly, if you were determined to be a martyr and rigidly stick to those two options (which I don't think you should) then you being single is better for your kids than moving in their father who you don't actually want a relationship with really and who has shown a complete lack of desire to put them first and build a healthy relationship.

They might want him to be closer, but you're the grown up and you know full well that a grown man who has made so little effort to be a present and good father will not suddenly turn into a great dad just because he's now got a warm bed and regular shag available.

He's more likely than not to fuck off again, leaving you in the same position as now just with heartbroken kids.

Yes of course there’s more options if you have help from family or money to pay £80/£100 for an evening of babysitting.

And what about this bit OP? Can you see that moving him back in isn't in the best interests of your children?

You being single is better for your kids than moving in their father who you don't actually want a relationship with really and who has shown a complete lack of desire to put them first and build a healthy relationship.

They might want him to be closer, but you're the grown up and you know full well that a grown man who has made so little effort to be a present and good father will not suddenly turn into a great dad just because he's now got a warm bed and regular shag available.

😂 yeah because when you have kids you have to sacrifice your life and never do anything other than be a parent until they grow up and move out.

But nobody's said that? There is more to life than finding a new relationship. This thread is full of suggestions of lots of things you could do to make your life happier: therapy to work through your issues, ways to make more friends and build a support network and get more time to yourself, suggestions to focus on career so you build some financial freedom to do more stuff for yourself, how you can find reliable childcare so you can go out more without DCs, etc. And you've ignored all of those suggestions and seem fixated about dating/ relationships. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then people have suggested ways you can still do that if you wish even as a lone parent and without involving your children in the relationship like you stated, you'd just need to take things very slowly and be clear with potential dates that you have limited time and have no desire to co-habit and find someone who wants similar. You could get an evening babysitter once of twice per month if you organise sleepovers for DCs and reciprocate/ search for local babysitting contacts or speak to staff at your DC's old nursery/ focus on work first to boost earnings so you have more disposable income, plus do some daytime dates while children are at school/ weekend clubs/ playdates/ birthday parties. But you've ignored that suggestion, too.

Every single suggestion made you have shot down, so I'm not sure what you want people to say. Yes being a single mum is hard, particularly when the other parent has little/ no contact. But it doesn't mean you have to have a miserable life and it certainly doesn't mean you go back to the waster who walked out on his family.

yeah because when you have kids you have to sacrifice your life and never do anything other than be a parent until they grow up and move out

No, because when you have kids, you consider their needs when making major life decisions. Come on, @ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt , you can see that moving a rubbish father back in with your kids isn't the best choice, for them, can't you?

This.

You can't really think that moving their disinterested, rubbish dad back in is actually better for them OP?

How is it NOT better? How is growing up with one parent better? I fully understand cases of abuse etc of course that’s better with one parent but when there isn’t how is it NOT better for children to live with both parents?

When one parent is so disinterested in the children that he hasn't made the effort to develop a healthy, close relationship with them.

If it takes a warm bed and an available shag for him to want to be near the children then he is a shit dad.

And it's likely based on his previous behaviour that he'll leave again, which will make them feel rejected and heartbroken whereas now they're used to the status quo of him being disinterested from more of a distance.

HTH.

Can you explain then OP how it will be better for them to have an absent father, even if you get back together? Because by your own admission, he's pretty useless. Doesn't have them, doesn't maintain regular contact? How will that do your children any good, or if you get back together will he magically become Dad of the year?
From all you've said, I honestly think you need to find a way to be happy. Happy on your own. Because you're clearly not. And then, be what may..

Because it's better for children to live in a household where people are happy and self respecting. It's not about the number of people, it's about the example that's set of 'How to be a happy, healthy person'. If you are 100% sure that this is what your relationship with your ex was like, then great.

Was your relationship happy and respectful before? If it was, why did you split up? If it wasn't, why do you think it would be now?

The children raised by single mothers who care for them well in a loving home do better than those living in households with conflict. Statistically a home with two parents happily married is best. However, that effect disappears if you control for finances! The UK system is terrible for not adjusting for this and taxing single mothers more than a couple with the same income. But in the absence of that changing, my approach has been to work hard on career to take that disadvantage away from my children as much as possible. Blended families statistically have worse outcomes for children, so does living with both parents but in a toxic environment.

So given your options remaining a single mother is the best thing you can do for them, based on probabilities. And work on career/ improving finances. And then date separately if you wish. Even if you meet someone serious you can have a committed relationship without blending families or cohabiting, there really is no reason why you can't. Many people do for exactly this reason, they want their children to have stability and security not risk having their life disrupted by another relationship breakdown. But none of this provides any reason why it would be good for your children for you to go back to their father who has proved himself to be selfish, unreliable, untrustworthy, lazy and a rubbish father.

What makes you think he'd put them first when living with them when he walked out on them as babies, and barely sees them, takes no responsibility for any parenting? I honestly don't understand why you would even want this even if it would be ok for your kids (it wouldn't)? How would it be good for you? To be with a man you can't trust, who shows you he doesn't care about you and won't lift a finger, who left you, who caused your current situation? How could you live with him, have sex with him? Do you really think you could manage to pretend convincingly that you love him? 🤮 I just do not understand why you're even thinking about it. What would you gain from this?!

He's done no school pick ups, no overnights, no weekends, no holidays, has inconsistent contact with no set days, hasn’t ever spent a single night with them solo and (quoting you) has said "He isn't happy to change his living situation and he said he would never move closer” despite the fact you say they would like to see him more.

The fact you think moving that man in with them is a good idea is really worrying tbh.

This clearly has nothing to do with the kids or what is best for them.

The OP clearly wants this man back, fuck knows why but she does, but because she can’t come on here and say that she wants a man back who doesn’t give a shit about either her or her kids, who has no interest in being a partner or parent, she is tying herself in knots (not very successfully I might add), to make people think that this about her wanting to put her kids first.

When in fact she doesn’t give a shit about what is best for her kids, if she did she wouldn’t be looking to get back together with their waste of space father.

In fact her resentment of her children clearly shines through all her posts.

The only people I feel for in this scenario is the children who have two parents who are so self absorbed that what is best for the children has become secondary.

If you take that view dating (completely full stop) anyone is not what’s best for your kids so maybe all single mums should just stay single forever? You would like that wouldn’t you? As single mums should never have any happiness again ever.

@MayThe4th

It may be that OP is one of those children, and so your vitriol may be for the wrong generation, here. Not everybody has been raised with the amount of wisdom you feel you have. We know that this stuff passes from generation to generation, via the medium of poor self esteem. If you think OP is actively choosing to have such poor self esteem, you're not wise enough to be swearing the odds at anybody, frankly.

If you take that view dating (completely full stop) anyone is not what’s best for your kids

How have you managed to extrapolate that, @ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt ?

So when someone becomes a single parent they should date again because it’s best for their children if they do? No it isn’t. Well in an ideal world we would all stay single if relationships fail but how many people are happy to spend 18 years single? Not many hence why so many women do go on to meet new partners but it’s not what’s best for their children and they are not doing it for that reason but for themselves, so maybe all single mums who meet someone new are selfish

If you take that view dating (completely full stop) anyone is not what’s best for your kids so maybe all single mums should just stay single forever? You would like that wouldn’t you? As single mums should never have any happiness again ever.

Why do you keep saying this? You can put your children first and even keep them entirely separate from any future relationships and still be happy. I've repeatedly suggested ways you can go about this, as have others. Nobody said you have to stay single forever. The poster you replied to was saying it clearly isn't in your children's interests to move in with their waster of a father who abandoned them and you and doesn't even bother to parent them as it is. How is that saying you have to be miserable forever?

I absolutely hate these excuses. I was raised in an extremely abusive environment. I am an excellent mother. My children always have and always will come first. People always have a choice in how they behave. Please don't stereotype like this, it's extremely damaging to those of us who survived such childhoods and, if anything, are even more loving to and protective of our children as a result.

No one has answered if they would be happy to date a single father they can only see during school hours and never have any time alone with them and only go over to their house when there kids are in bed. Because they wouldn’t, please show me the men who are queuing up to date a single mum that they can never be alone with and can only come round when her kids are in bed? I don’t Even get any alone time if I had an emergency never mind to date!

So when someone becomes a single parent they should date again because it’s best for their children if they do? No it isn’t. Well in an ideal world we would all stay single if relationships fail but how many people are happy to spend 18 years single? Not many hence why so many women do go on to meet new partners but it’s not what’s best for their children and they are not doing it for that reason but for themselves, so maybe all single mums who meet someone new are selfish

How many times? You can put your children first AND date/ have a relationship again and keep them entirely separate. Many people do. You don't have to involve a new partner with your children or move in with them. You are presenting a false dichotomy, you do not have to remain single or move in with someone.

My children do come first which is why I haven’t thought to hell with it I will just date and introduce them straight away, many do!

OP can you respond to this? Why do you think your exH who until now has been a completely rubbish father will make a positive impact on your kids?

Again tell me how if I can’t afford sitters have no family and their father doesn’t have them?

He wasn’t a rubbish father when we was together.