Staying together till kids have grown up?

[ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt]

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

You want to proactively make your kids share a home with a man who is disinterested in them despite them being his own kids? Because you are lonely? Come on now. That wouldn't be putting them first.

Living with a parent who isn't interested in them, who hasn't been willing to make the effort to have a great relationship with them, who is only there to make you less lonely (not that I actually think it would in reality, tbh) is so unfair on them.

I really don't get the story here. He's 2 hours away. Doesn't want to move closer or change his situation to see more of his kids, but would happily move back in? Is he a bit of a cocklodger type?

And you would even consider restarting a relationship with a man who won't change his own living situation to accommodate having his own children to stay? Won't step up for them or make any changes to his life for them or collect them from school and has never even bothered to take them away for a weekend or holiday? Who is a grown adult with children and renting a room in a shared house?

Why? Why would you even think this person worthy of another chance? That's what you need to ask yourself. Why do you think being with a lazy, selfish, useless man who walked out on his young children would be better than being a single parent?

And what message would it send to DCs? "Your father, who left you and couldn't be bothered with you is soooo great I've decided we should be a couple again"?!

I just don't get it.

And presumably then you'd be having sex with him. Don't you find him repulsive when he has treated you and your DCs in this way?

My parents stayed in a dysfunctional toxic marriage because they claimed not to believe in divorce due to their religion (despite constantly threatening to get divorced or even telling us, once we had left the home although I had much younger siblings I wasn't raised with who were still at home, that they were getting separated and then, despite all of us being glad to hear that, never doing so) and due to wanting to remain an "intact" family and not break the family up, etc. - not to mention they cared more about their fake happy family image than the misery that was happening behind closed doors.

I obviously resent them a lot for it, to the point that I have nothing to do with them as an adult. I would say the best thing you can do for your children is to live a happy life yourself. Don't use them as your reason to stay in an unhappy marriage or your unhappiness will show and they will resent you for it. Get divorced. Please!

You have a very binary view of your situation, @ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt, and I don’t quite know why this is. Posters have talked about modelling healthy relationships and perhaps your own background hasn’t equipped you to do this. The language you are using is polarised - spend all my life alone, or bring random, risky men into my home - and those are extreme versions of your potential future. The solution is not to welcome your ex home unless you love each other and can create a secure home built on love, trust and a safe future for everyone’s wellbeing.

I don’t know how many children you have are what the age range is; you say your youngest is 5. You are working, and in a home; is your ex working and paying child support, and does he have prospects to progress at work? What does your life look like in five years time?

I’ve been dating a divorced man for over a year. I have no intention of ever remarrying, and our relationship is progressing at a snail’s pace. We chat on the phone, we go out for dinner about once a month; when my ex does the football run, he takes all the kids with him, and I do create pockets of time. What I hope I’m modelling to the kids is that they are priority number one, but just as they like to spend time with friends - and I go to all the lengths to enable that - I like to have time off too. An occasional babysitter or sleepover swap as a starter.

if you read this thread again, you will find people who want you to see solutions. Perhaps you are not in the mindset to consider them. But there are solutions there.

I disagree but if you truly believe that, there's an easy solution: don't date until your children are grown and out of your home. Are you so afraid to be alone that you think the only choices are to stay in an unhappy marriage, modeling a horrible example for your children, or to go find a new guy to be with, thus introducing them to what you think could be a predatory man??? Also, if you raise your standards and watch out for red flags and only move forward with men you think would be worthy of being in your life AND your childrens' lives, then you won't have to worry about introducing them to a predatory man.

Please don't make them a scapegoat for your bad decisions and issues. You are setting them up for a lifetime of trauma and potentially setting yourself up for having little to no relationship with them once they're adults and can make a choice about whether they really want someone in their life who used them as an excuse for her own loneliness instead of working on her own issues. Please get therapy ASAP and please stay out of any relationships, including with your ex, for sure, because what a bad reason!!!!, but also with anyone else, until you have worked on yourself, or this cycle will just keep repeating and will only bring damage to your kids.

Yes we live in opposite ends and neither of us drive. It can easily take 2 hours on public transport for him to get here and I've been there and it takes the same. He could not do the school run.

Many children have ended up dead at the hands of their step father's

Not necessarily. A good stepparent is great.

my parents stayed together “for the kids”. Actually they were just together because they were too scared to live on their own. It was a miserable existence.

do you fancy your ex? Why do you want to get back together? Money?

Many children have ended up dead at the hands of their fathers too.

Your children are with you all the time because your ex doesn’t bother with them and you think this is a reason to get back together?

noone is suggesting you do that. Why can’t you just date someone? And don’t say it’s because you have to look after the kids - get a babysitter. Or get your ex to parent

Yes I did and DD says she wished I hadn’t. I divorced after she went to uni. Looking back I should have left at least a decade earlier and set a far better example of what a good relationship looks like. My relationship with DD is still strained over 15 years on. I have a close male friend but I don’t want to be in another relationship. I don’t think worry about a potential hypothetical step-father is a good enough reason to stay with your partner. Of course you need to be very careful who you let into your DCs life but there are lots of lovely men out there and I’m sure you will know when the situation happens, whether it feels ok for someone to meet your DC. The extreme, horrible step parents are the ones who make it onto the news but I don’t think this minority of depraved bastards should be a factor locking you into a relationship that isn’t right.

How can I force him?

This is Catastrophising 101. What has caused you to doubt your own judgement so harshly? You really don’t sound like a risk-taker, yet you have yourself convinced that you are going to make bad choices.

Can I ask in a kindly way if you have had any therapy since your ex left, or if you would consider it, as you seem locked into two scenarios as an alternative to staying single, neither of which is optimal - bring back the ex, or potentially end up with a bad man.

you may reply that you have no free time to see a therapist, but your work may enable you to do so.

OP. I don't follow your reasoning...

If you are saying that the kids are with you 100% of the time so you would be unable to date, how would you ever get a man to be this step-father in the first place. It's not like you can order one in from "step-fathers.com" and one day they'll arrive.

Your choice isn't "staying for the sake of the children" and "partnering up with a step-father for your kids", it's "staying etc" or "being single".

And as they get older and start clubs etc, and when they start high school, you can have evenings out and start dating again. By that time their father will hopefully have got his shit together enough to have them to stay.

@ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt

Many children have ended up dead at the hands of their step father's

Why this obsession with stepfathers when you've made it clear you're certain you won't be able to even date, let alone form a relationship that ends up in a guy being a step-father.... You're making no sense!

Those of you that have criticised me and said I can date whilst the kids are at school would any of you actually date a single father that you could only see during school hours? or at night in his house then leave by the morning ? Of course you wouldn't. No date nights. Wanna go out for dinner or cinema? he can't come, weekends away? Holidays? Nope.

If he isn't willing to move closer, why would he move back home?
He has shown he is a terrible selfish father. What kind of role model is this for your kids?

Single mom here with a shitty ex and a ds with complex sn's. I met people for coffee, early dinners, and eventually met my partner.

You can’t force him but why would you want to get together with someone like that. He sounds horrible

Get a babysitter! Your youngest child is 5 now so in school, so no more nursery fees, so you should have spare money now for this with lower childcare fees. And keep working on your career progression so you have more spare. Obviously if you did date you should take it very, very slowly so you have lots of time to build up to more. As your children get older you could hire an overnight nanny or they can have sleepovers with friends so you could even do an overnight stay with someone sometimes, if things progressed.

I totally understand what you're saying about not introducing a new man into your children's lives, I'd never do that either. But even as a lone parent (ex-H has no contact with the kids ever and I've never had any family help at all) if I wanted to date, I could. Just use childcare. I don't understand the issue?

I don’t want to go into too many details but I don’t have spare cash, I have quite a lot of debt I don’t think many single mums are rolling in extra cash especially with how things are. I don’t know a local teen who I could pay a bit of pocket change, I would have to use a childcare website and they are of course very expensive as I would expect them to be!

It seems like you have some very strange assumptions, that single parents can't ever go out in the evening, and also that it's not possible to have a committed relationship separate to your home life with your children. You don't have to live with a partner, many people don't move in together for the exact reasons you've stated you don't want to, and that's fine, But this doesn't stop you going out or meeting someone if you want to.

Why all these excuses? You sound incredibly negative about everything. If you want to date then do it. If you don't, then don't. Why is it such an issue?

I know single parents can go out in the evenings!! I said I can’t!! Are people not reading?? I know many single mums that go out in the evenings whilst their kids dad has them or whilst their mum does. That does not apply here I can’t afford babysitters I am up to my eyes in debts from things in my past which is leaving me with just enough to get by.