Staying together till kids have grown up?

[ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt]

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

I guess the question is OP, would you be happy with your ex? Would you feel secure? Or, is your desire to not be alone, obscuring your thinking about him? He left you, his contact with the kids is inconsistent...I guess your choice, from what you've said is, be alone or settle? Which would be less painful?

Someone to spend time with in the evenings, someone to share problems with, someone that cares about me, to not be alone all the time. Someone to share life with.

Why on earth would you consider moving your ex back in when he’s such a shitty, inconsistent father?

You’re reluctant to consider meeting someone else because it might damage the children, but you’ll move your ex back in when he’s had 5 years to prove that he’s damaging?

I don’t understand.

You don’t want to damage your dc, but you’ll damage them anyway so you’re not single?

It’s also how I feel, I don’t want to date anyone new. I don’t miss dating/ men, please show me the decent men queuing up to date a single mum who they can only see during school hours or when her kids are in bed? Those looking for no strings sex who think I will feel lucky they have paid me some interest but I can never date or do normal couple things so I won’t attract any decent men who aren’t just looking for one thing.

My stepfather is my Dad. I love him dearly.

My DS1’s stepfather (my DH) is not my son’s Dad, but he is his friend (DS1 has had him in his life for 26 years).

There is a massive difference between the horror stories of abusive step parents you see in the news and the partners of responsible adults who put their children first.

It's really sad.

Any man is better than no man, it seems.

(But not a new man, that's the worst idea of them all, so it had better be the bloke who dumped you 5yrs ago and has barely bothered with his kids since, but on finding himself living in one room in a shared house, "loves" you again, and definitely doesn't just want a house to live in, it's all about you and the kids that haven't mattered for the previous 5 years)

OP you don't seem to be addressing why your ex isn't helping you parent your kids?

Until you do, then as a lone parent you will struggle to get time. That's the way it is.

Another thing hampering you on this thread is your judgement of single parents. If you're this defensive in real life, then you could be missing out on some great friendships with other single parents.

I never thought I'd feel even the slightest sympathy for a loser dad like your ex, who barely sees his kids and hasn't bothered to provide a home for them, but jeez this poor bloke - being moved back in just so you don't feel lonely. I hope he realises what you're up to!

On your zero experience, but you're so sure it must be the case (to self justify moving the shitshow that is your ex back in) the men who date mothers, and understand that for quite some time, dating will be restricted, are just after sex because single mothers are desperate.

Okkkkkk....

And again, why are you incapable of having a babysitter?

In fact, don't worry about a silly excuse of an answer. Just get back with your ex. It's all you're interested in hearing. It's gonna be fab.

OP I understand the situation re. that it would be hard for you to date regularly with young children if their father doesn't have them overnight (I've been a lone parent for 5 years, since mine were tiny, too).

I grew up with an abusive step father so I also understand why you'd not want to introduce an unrelated man into your children's lives. Despite what people have said on this thread - and while I'm sure lots of step fathers are great - statistically it is extremely dangerous, much more dangerous than living with their father.

However, I do not understand why you'd consider starting a relationship with your ex again. He sounds selfish and lazy, not a good parent, not motivated or ambitious, you don't love him, the children barely know him if they spend next to no time with him, what on Earth is the point? Plus you will seriously disrupt your children if you do this then leave again later.

Your posts about hating being alone, needing someone to spend the evenings with etc were very illuminating. This is what you should focus on, IMO: why you feel this need to be in a relationship. Your children are still really small, you say you work too, so you must be pretty busy! Some women jump from relationship to relationship and never learn how to be independent and feel like there is something "missing" in their life without a man and your posts scream this. It's very needy and something I'd want to address, if I was you. If I was you I'd get therapy and work on that, otherwise any relationship you form is likely to be co-dependent and have unhealthy boundaries.

My ex has no contact with my children, so if I did decide to date (given like you I would not be bringing any man into their home) the options are:

1. you get childcare and go out. You say you can't afford this, so focus on career progression first? Also you say your youngest is 5 so can't have been in school for long, so presumably you now have some spare money compared to last year as no longer paying nursery costs? You can use this to go out in the evenings.
2. you wait until they are older and date when they are teens and can be left alone.

I don’t jump from relationship to relationship? I’ve been single for 5 years and my ex is the only proper relationship I’ve had.
i don’t know any single mums that have been single for as long as me (irl I mean) so not sure how I’m jumping from relationship to relationship?

I have single parent friends, their exes are involved though. He isn’t able to have them overnight, he does see them but can’t take them overnight I’m not sure how I can change that?

Any man? Yet I won’t date? If that’s the case I would have by now and just brought him into their lives like many women do

My ex is not any man he is the father of my children I’m kind of stuck with him now till they grow up

Who takes them on holiday? He doesn't take them out for the evening? Away for a weekend?

Nothing at all?

I didn't say you were jumping from relationship to relationship. I'm saying some women do that because they feel this need to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, and your posts show a similar mindset: it's not that you have met a particular person you really want to be with and you think will add something to you life, you just want to be in a relationship.

You don't like to be alone, you don't like spending evenings alone, you just want someone there. Even someone who didn't make you happy, is a lazy and useless father and walked out on you when your children were tiny. Why would you consider that better than being alone? You really need to examine this. It indicates very low self esteem.

It is not good because it means you're likely to accept being in unhealthy relationships, hence you contemplating going back to your ex when he sounds useless and clearly has no respect for you or your (his!) DC. And doesn't bode well for any relationship you might start with anybody else, either, as your boundaries and judgement will be all off because you want a relationship so much.

I was questioning why that is, and whether you've explored that through therapy because it's not good. If you are needy like this you will give off desperate vibes and not attract good people.

Also not sure why you focused just on that one small aspect of my post.

No he's never spent a single night with them anywhere he will take them out for food or to the cinema but this is not enough time to meet anyone

OP you're being very selective about what you respond to here, and I'm getting as exasperated as the other posters.

What I think: you'd be mad to do this, I think it'll confuse your kids and you'll be miserable. Rather than talk to you ex about coming back,talk to him about how he's going to step up. It's that simple. Demand better for your kids.

What you want to hear: sounds great, go ahead, you're better than those awful women who dare to date and have a life away from their kids.

Good luck with it, whatever you choose.

So, what we can conclude, is that you can't fathom how to date, normally, despite people literally spelling it out to you.

Every excuse as to why what everyone else does, can't possibly apply to you.

And according to you, that's not what "everyone else" does anyway. What they actually do, is move random men into their houses as soon as they meet them.

Oh, and you seem to think you're "stuck" with a bloke who dumped you 5 years ago and rarely sees his children. It's pretty clear you're unable to move on from him. Don't dress that up as protecting your children from other people. That's not the driving factor here. You want your ex, and you want to hear validation that it's a good idea, so you've sugarcoated it with this weird "I'm saving my children from Wicked Stepfather's" anecdote.

I don't think anyone has the ability or the Crayola to get you past your blinkered life views and excuses. You've already made the only decision you're ever going too.

I have single parent friends, their exes are involved though. He isn’t able to have them overnight, he does see them but can’t take them overnight I’m not sure how I can change that?

Have you spoken to him about this? Told him he needs to find suitable accommodation to have them overnight? Told him he needs to do 50% of school runs etc, cover 50% of holidays? Told him that you deserve free time too so he needs to look after them in the evening as you have plans?

It feels like you’re blocking the possibility of there being any change, and that’s very sad.
Are you scared of prioritising yourself a little bit?
IME yes you can give your all to your children, but generally they won’t thank you for it. It’s fine and healthy to consider your needs as well, and as others have pointed out, it’s good for your children for you to model happy relationships, and I’d add it’s good for them to grow up understanding that you are important too, of course they come first, but don’t sacrifice yourself for them, that’s too much to put on them.

Yes, moving a new man in quickly is a stupid idea, but somehow making some time for yourself (involve the ex, get him to spend more time with the dc - can he look after them at yours? Can he take them for some days out at the weekend or in the holidays? Your children have 2 parents), and dipping your toes in - not to find someone to move in, but to know that you can meet someone, and a decent man (I know it feels like there are few of them) would take it slowly.

Yes he wouldn't be able to have them 50/50 he lives 2 hours away. He isn't happy to change his living situation and he said he would never move closer.

But he still has children. He should be making this work to be involved in his children’s lives. And the fact that he appears to be reluctant is just another big red flag that you shouldn’t be moving him back in.

I would if he would have them overnight but he wont so no it's not really possible unless I'm willing to introduce someone very quickly which im not. I don't know any babysitters I would have to pay a professional which isn't cheap and that's without adding on the cost of dates.

How can he be two hours away? You said you both live in London.