How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

You realise that your life has value and worth without a man in it.

It's a bit tone deaf to suggest that people who are divorced but have children aren't lonely. It can actually be cripplingly lonely when you have small people who are completely reliant on you, who will never give you 5 mins peace from their own demands, whose needs and wants trump yours every time, who are incapable of having adult conversations, who are never concerned with you, your needs or how you are feeling. In fact, they don't even consider you as a person.

You only have to spend half an hour on here to see that relationships or A Man aren't necessarily the panacea you believe them to be. That it is possible to be lonely within a relationship and feel limited in your options for various reasons.

I didn't see you other thread and it's true that AIBU can be brutal but there may well be a truth in what people posted. There's a reason why, when you look for support threads, you are finding similar responses.

How do you accept it?

You find joy, peace and meaning in the little things in life. You 'date yourself'. You have counselling/therapy. You make a life plan that you can follow unencumbered. You take up hobbies. You realise you're awesome just as you are.

And then maybe, just maybe, whilst you are out there, living your life and having fun, you meet someone with whom you just click.

There's no magic wand solution to this. You just have to make a decision to be happy and content and then get on with being it.

I saw your first thread and just wanted to acknowledge that there was a lot of tone deaf responses from people too lazy to read your OP. Hopefully you'll get more helpful responses this time around although I wouldn't count on it on mumsnet. I'm not in your situation so can't offer any insight sorry.

I'm sorry you feel lonely- I don't know what the answer is. I'm learning to be on my own, so maybe we can hold each other's hand.

The problem is that you are excluding responses from about 90% of MN. Probably more. The vast majority of people here are going to have been in a relationship or have kids or are in a relationship.

I'm bone crushingly lonely but I have kids so my thoughts don't matter apparently.

Hello, I think it’s a tough thing to wholly accept as we are sort of built to unconsciously desire a life mate. It’s hard to control that or to “think” our way out of it. May I ask how old you are & why you are so certain you’ll remain single? Just to share my story, I spent 5 years single in my mid 30s after multiple relationship let downs & was VERY disillusioned with men. Then I became seriously ill from a virus complication and in hospital I realised that, if I would survive, my heart had opened for love again. I met my husband a few months later and we are blissfully happy after 5 years together. This all happened later in life as we met when I was about to turn 40 and him 43. Everyone’s story is different and I’m sure you have very good reasons to believe it won’t happen to you. And if it really doesn’t, then try to find other ways to feel fulfilled, like finding soulmate friendships for example. But I do know that true love can strike at any age, in fact my mother has a dear friend who found her soulmate at the age of 63 and she had never been in love before. Just in case that helps as it used to give me a bit of hope :)
I definitely think it’s vital to go into a relationship whole, so working on building a full life for yourself through passions, going to counselling etc can really help. Best of luck :)

I'm not in your situation so hope i am not talking rubbish but I think pets could be a big comfort you? Companionship, something to care for, would get you out and about (more dog than goldfish this one!), could join related groups and maybe meet new people? Not necessarily to meet a prospective partner but new friends. I hope you feel happier soon OP.

Hi OP. I’m in a relationship now and very happy, but after a very horrible and very long term relationship all through my 20s I ended up single. I spent more than 8 years on my own, and had accepted I wouldn’t have a partner again.

initially I found it very hard, as my brain had never been single and couldn’t cope. It took some time but I joined a couple of clubs and made a wide circle of friends. I went out loads; not spending money but out to club events, meeting people for runs or walks, meeting up at their houses. I travelled when I could afford to with friends, and I realised I could get almost everything from them that I could from a relationship. I think the turning point was realising the life I had was a million times happier and better, and that being single allowed you huge amounts of freedom. I think I would have been happy living like that forever.

I second pets. I got a rescue cat and he was the company I came home to. Cuddly and non demanding!

@Diverlady42 thast a really nice post. I second people finding love later in life, hoping I might be one of them!

You are alone now, life changes, one day you could meet some one and one day you could lose someone, life is unpredictable, nothing is guaranteed and if you think life going to play along with your very own personal script of how life should be your going to be very disappointed.
There are worse things in life than being alone.
My husband died young leaving me totally alone with two young kids to raise, l had to adapt. That's what we do we adapt, we learn to make something out of nothing, make the best of what we have right now until life throws something else our way again.

We have a single family friend. Late 60s now, retired. She does sometimes get worried about being lonely I think around Christmas time etc if she hasn’t got a clear set of plans, although she knows she is always welcome at ours/MILs.

For the most part she is very happy. What helps her is

• Making the effort to be sociable. She has a billion friends and will talk to people anywhere to make new ones.
• Getting out and about and doing things, even if on her own.
• Having a hobby that requires a decent amount of time commitment.
• ”Adopting” nieces and nephews (friends children and grandchildren) whom she enjoys treating.
• Getting involved in local causes, volunteering and activism.
• Just living life basically!

I was like you, OP. Since the age of 15, I went through 3 serious relationships and never took a break. After the last one ended, I was 37 and had never been single and had no idea how to be. I, more or less straight away, went on dating sites and had lots of dates to no avail and got fed up.

I joined a fitness club where I've made some friends, and it's turned into a hobby where I go most evenings. My career also stepped up as I wasn't focusing on men anymore! I've been single for 2 years now, and I never thought I'd be in a place where I was happy alone.

I am still on a dating site but have been on one date this year, I just genuinely can't be bothered with it because I won't just chat to people for the sake of it.

Now, a man would have to offer and bring to the table something far better than my peace and contentment of being alone because it's worth far more to me now than being in the wrong relationship.

Get an evening/weekend job in a pub?

I hear you OP. I was alone and living alone for a long time before I met my partner. It was soul destroying to come home to an empty house all the time. Spring was bad, Christmas too.

This is probably not helpful to hear, but in hindsight I wish I'd gone out on my own a lot more. Just put my shoes on and took a train to the city, wandered around, treated myself to a movie in a nice cinema or a long afternoon in a cafe with a book. Or hosted dinners with friends.

Because once you're in a relationship it's lovely but you don't really get much time as just you. And with a kid - forget it.

So my message to you would be to enjoy the he'll out of the life you have, because its temporary. Things will change for you, at some point you will meet someone. And then you'll look back and be annoyed at not making the most out of a situation.

To thay end, I echo what others have said about making plans with friends, taking up hobbies that get you out of the house and are social, and widening and maintaining a good network. If you can.

But take it slow and don't be hard on yourself.

You’ve had some tetchy responses here too OP, not sure why! People seem determined that their own particular loneliness is worse, don’t they?

I have a sister and a best friend who are both approaching 40 and have been mostly single for their whole adult lives. I haven’t spoken with them directly, but from observing I would say

• They both have a great circle of friends who they invest a huge amount in.
• One goes on quite adventurous holidays for singles - trekking in the jungle type thing - and I think the organised nature of it and the structure is more enjoyable than lying on the beach with nobody to talk to.
• One works from the office pretty much all the time, rather than at home (again, interaction and structure)
• One is very career driven and does a lot of volunteering linked to their career in their spare time (senior, specialist type volunteering).

Personally, when I was lonely in my 20s I found getting a housemate helped. You could consider part time if that seems too much - exchange student in the summer, etc?

Other than that, I think it is a matter of getting used to it. Figuring out when low moments strike and avoiding triggers. Keeping busy and active. Don’t feel obliged to put on a front for others.

I hope things change for you but if they don’t there is still a fulfilling life to be had. 💐

What is your practical set up? Do you have spare cash or anything you think you may enjoy such as a hobby that you haven’t tried yet.

I thought finally a thread I can relate to until you said it doesn’t include those with kids so I guess not! I am single and have been for 7 years I can’t date as I’m a lone parent and no one to have my children. I am one of those people who don’t love and enjoy being single as like you said every thread about it seems to be from those that love it. I have had no choice but I have kids so I don’t count 🤣

It's a bit tone deaf to suggest that people who are divorced but have children aren't lonely. It can actually be cripplingly lonely when you have small people who are completely reliant on you, who will never give you 5 mins peace from their own demands, whose needs and wants trump yours every time, who are incapable of having adult conversations, who are never concerned with you, your needs or how you are feeling. In fact, they don't even consider you as a person.

yes to this! I have never been so lonely since having kids, they have stopped me from going out and being able to meet someone else (obviously not their fault) but I’ve had to put my life on hold for them which is fine but not having another adult or person to talk to can be extremely lonely especially when it’s not through choice but having to put your kids first and no having kids isn’t the same…

One of my best friends is single and is her late sixties after her partner died.

She rented out her family home and moved to a small flat in London. She works part time (an author) and has a student lodger. She cultivates a wide circle of interesting friends. She joined a ladies club for fitness and lunching. She invites people to visit all the time.

She is glamorous and great company and thrives - and makes her single life look extremely appealing.

I guess it’s taught me that building your life is about finding what makes you happy and gives you joy and just taking that - whatever the risks.

I don’t know if this is helpful but she’s been an incredible role model to me.

You seem to have offended those with children, OP, but I get it.

When you are single with no children - and depending on your family situation - you face a future where there is a good chance you will be the last one left alive. That you will reach an age where everyone who ever loved you is gone.

When you have children, with luck, that will never happen. You will always know there is someone out there that loves you, even if they move away etc. There will always be someone alive that you love.

I am mid 40s and one of the youngest in my wider family. Assuming life follows a relatively natural order and we don't have any tragedies, I will bury everyone I love before I go. That is a very bleak future to be facing and not one I think can be easily pictured by people not in that scenario.

You just have to get on with it. I worked, I do evening classes, exercise classes, gardening. I go to museums, the cinema, theatre alone. I eat out alone. I've been on loads of holidays alone, travelled half the world, including meeting up with friends who live overseas and in other parts of the country - once friends started having children, I accepted I'd be the one who'd probably have to make the effort to visit, as it's just easier.

I've got friends from school, uni, workplaces, holidays, online groups (even here) - some I'm in touch with a few times a year, others pretty much daily, and we meet when diaries allow, which isn't always as often as we'd like, because single people can be good at getting busy with all sorts of things.

Yes, there's a worry that I might be found dead at the bottom of the stairs after several weeks some day, but there's no point worrying about that.

It helps if you have a job which pays okay, as that gives you more options, but even when I was poor, I read a lot and went to museums and out for walks which costs nothing. But essentially you have to get on and fo the things you want to do, even if you are by yourself.

Great post
Agree with all of this

Why have you given up hope of finding someone OP, if that is what you want?

This is interesting, my father is in this situation now. He has younger siblings that he doesn't get along with, but all his very many friends have mostly passed away. He is 82. He is healthy so has outlived almost everyone. He still has his wife and his children, and grandchildren. So what I'm trying to say, is you can still be sad and lonely. Sorry I hope this isn't a derail, but just to offer another pov.

I was widowed in my thirties when my child was very young, so I'm not what you asked for, but I have been cripplingly lonely at times, and am about as far from single by choice as it's possible to be. I'm not a great people person so loads of friends and hobbies isn't for me either.

I have found the following helpful:
-Getting in touch with nature, growing plants, observing the changing of the seasons, supporting wildlife in the garden, eating seasonally. It is somehow grounding and gives me perspective that there's something bigger. I also enjoy astrology and stargazing for the same reason.
-Committing to my career, I work hard and take pleasure from career development. I have tried to move into more meaningful work where I feel I'm making a positive contribution to society. I don't have useful skills for volunteering but I can see why others get a lot from it.
-Making my home a sanctuary, I have spent a lot of time getting my space a particular way that I love, so I take pleasure from being there even if alone.
-I always have live radio on as I feel more connected to society when I hear people speaking in real time so to speak.

I sympathise with you, our situations are not the same but I understand the longing for company when you see happy couples, and in the cold evenings as the nights draw in.