How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

The single friends that I have are the most sociable people I know. They have more friends and they make more of an effort to see their friends, I assume because they have more time.

And because they know if they don't make the effort, they will stop being invited and will alway be on their own, rather than just most of the time.

OP. Have you considered setting up a meet up group? No idea how realistic it would be to do but there are a lot of people who are experiencing loneliness - whatever ther life circumstances are.

Maybe a group where it wasn't shameful to admit this and people enough could do things with who could be a real life support network would help. If it worked. I don't know. It just occurred to me while I was doing dinner!

Value female friends, but make sure they are on the side of the women - not women who center men in their lives, you’ll always lose with these women.

De-center men.

The happiest and healthiest women I know are single and childfree.
Kids and men are not the source of happiness we’ve been told.

Get to know yourself, the real you, deep down you, who is she, what does she want, what does she like, etc.

Carefull about men, vast majority of them hate women.

Healthy life: no smoking, drugs, little to no drinking, water, healthy diet, celibacy, sleep, yoga, meditation.
This will help you keep balance and health. It’s easier the younger you get these into to your routine.

Love yourself, value yourself.

Everyone is running their own race, so you better do that to yourself as well.

No one can fix you, heal you, save you.
You are alone here, it can be sad reality first, but also so liberating, because you realise you don’t owe anyone shit and can live your life for yourself.

Find yourself, I’ve seen so many women sacrife themselves to other’s, let’s end this toxic cycle.

are you as rude, dismissive and superior in real life as you are too the people who have given you (perfectly decent) advice on this thread.

What a nasty thing to say.

Carefull about men, vast majority of them hate women

Nonsense.

Try having a look at some of The School of Life content on YouTube, it can be very helpful in terms of coming to terms with the varying 'disappointments' of life

I can empathise op, and I can hear how much this is troubling you in your posts.

I think it’s worth knowing other people do feel similarly, and the routes they’ve taken following that shared experience. So, so many people will choose unpleasant, loveless, abusive relationships to take away that pain of loneliness, to find a different kind of experience of loneliness. It’s not an ‘impossibility’ for you to have an unfulfilling relationship, but no one is going to advise that for you or anyone. But it is what a lot of people end up with.

What about online chatting?

I'm a SAHM. I get bored of a full day with small children who can't speak. They are twins too, so a pain to get out and about with, so I can spend a lot of time on my own with no adult conversation.

I use MN a lot, just to converse. There are online chat rooms (I don't know where, but I know they exist) where you can strike up friendships and they can be interesting and make you feel part of something.

I don't think you'll ever stop wanting a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can resign that you'll never have one, but you can still want one, simultaneously. The best way to keep your mind from something is to keep busy.

If DH is away, I can't leave the house once DC are tucked in, and it's a lot of lonely evenings. I do online quizzing, I do MN, I list things on eBay to declutter what I can. I occupy myself, and forget I'm lonely.

I got divorced from an abusive husband (no children) and it took about 9 months of therapy and grieving the life I thought I would have to be really happy and settled again. I spent a long time thinking about what I actually wanted because we live in a society which tells us we should be in a couple and we should have kids, you have to be successful at work etc, so I think you can feel like a failure if you're not doing those things. When I really thought about it I just wanted to be able to do what I wanted, without having to answer to anybody, me and a dog in the countryside, so that's what I've done. If I had decided I wanted kids I would have tried using a sperm donor (but I decided I didn't want them). I did a few dates and just didn't feel I was that bothered. It took months to really work out what I wanted though so i wouldnt expect any quick fixes.

Sounds like you have a lot of capacity to care for others, taking care of a dog and "icing your heart" don't seem to go together.

There are lots of ways to build up a rich life, but very few paths are easy.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist @Sonervousimgonnathrowup ? I think it might be really helpful to manage some of the rumination you’re struggling with right now, and to start to turn to the future.

Loneliness is different at different stages in life. I wonder how old you are OP, and what aspect of being with someone you miss? Is it physical, emotional, someone to talk to, someone to go out and do things with? People either accept being alone or hate it. If you hate it, what can you do to change it? Its in your hands, you dont have to accept the status quo.

Dear sonervous
You have taken the prospect of ever meeting somebody or ever having a form of 'beloved' in your life. I can see why you are so sad and worried for your mental health.You are sad because your situation is very upsetting. We are living in an epidemic of loneliness.

My sense is that you don't want people coming up with suggestions to abate this loneliness but want to ask others how they cope.

I am so sorry you feel this way. I am sure you have had traumas and have been hurt so much that you want your heart to ice over. Given your circumstances, I think this is a reasonable wish for you.

I think all of us suffer from cognitive dissonance to a certain extent and try to make sense of lives through or experiences, emotions and attitudes. We tell ourselves a story about who we are and our place in the world.I am sure your past or current negative experiences are making you feel despair but part of you wants to make sense of it all and come to terms with it. It seems you are looking for peace.

I have a failed marriage but have managed to remain upbeat so I can't begin to imagine the agony you are in.

Is there anyway you could speak to a counsellor about how you feel? It might not be any harm.
Much love to you and I hope you find your peace.

I meant to say, you have taken the prospect 'off the table' in my first sentence

My aunt is in her mid sixties, I think she had a few relationships when she was much younger, in her 20s and then around 40 tried with a good friend but it didn't work. She has a full life, loads of friends, many who are single. She does things on her own, has a few clubs she belongs to, is always going on holiday etc etc. I'm sure she might be lonely sometimes, but I think overall she's happy with her life and glad she never settled with her good friend. To be honest, I feel she's living her best life. I wouldn't mind a life like that.

@Mortenharkettsgirl lovely post. I think I'll take something from that for myself too, for a difficult time I'm having. Thanks. 💛

The simple answer is to find meaning in other things

work
get a dog , asap
do things you love
hang out with people who uplift you
help or volunteer where you could make a difference
eat right and stay healthy

I also know other single child free people who are pretty darn happy and other posters have given examples

I think people get frustrated as you seem particularly resolute that your sadness is unique and can’t be fixed - and it isn’t
loneliness is part and parcel of being a human x

Having a full life doesn't mean that you're not lonely or that you wouldn't wish to have a partner. I have a full life and have many friends who are the same as me. But what I really crave is sharing the experiences with a romantic partner. Literally all my friends in the same position as me, single and without children really want to meet someone. It's not that they are miserable alone but it feels as though it's not quite enough.

Some great replies here

i know its not what you want to hear, but in my last marriage, i was bone crushingly lonely. surrounded by people and beyond lonely. thankfully, i got out. make a life for yourself, join a club, make friends, you never know. this life is very unpredictable. goodluck x

My loneliness creeps up on me at very unexpected times and it hits me really hard. I have to acknowledge the feelings and work with it and not against it. My latest rut is due to an unkind personal comment made by a work colleague and all the usual feelings flood back once again.
True loneliness for me is being forced to accept that any form of relationship (even friendships) are beyond me. That sadness of always being on the periphery of life and existing rather living. Loneliness is my state of being due to being a lone carer to children with complex needs. I only can observe life and I ache for any form of interaction with others.
I’m exhausted by it all and can only hope that soon the pain will lessen and I can at least connect with someone who isn’t quick to judge and is patient with me.

@bubblebubblebubbled 🧡💚 I hope you meet that person too. We should all aim to be generous and slow to judge for the power of our words can go both ways. You're doing an amazing job for your children, but I wish the cost to you was not so great.

I posted on your first thread and was sorry at how so many people were towards you. Being single and lonely can be really hard. I'm glad you've got some good advice here.

I've lived alone for nearly 20 years, had a few brief relationships since but none lasting long. I long for a romantic companion and feel very envious of people who seem to have found that but I've realised that it just isn't for me. I have chronic health issues and don't feel capable of committing to someone. This is a realisation I've come to in the last year that I'm no longer actively seeking a relationship.

I do have a ds but he's severely disabled and an adult who lives in a placement. In a way I share the loneliness of people who are childless even though I love him very much of course.

To cope, I do as much as I can within my limitations. I'm studying another language on an app. I chat and email people. I found a couple of penpals from a site. It's important to me to feel connected, even if via the internet.

Mostly, I make peace with my own company. It's not ideal. I wish I could talk about something on Tv I've just watched or have a cuddle. But I have a dog who I deeply love and we have a strong bond. Is getting a pet an option for you?

I have spiritual faith and that helps too.

I hope you're ok.

Yes I’m hoping to get a pet very shortly and I agree that it will probably help.
I feel that I’ve made peace with the fact that friendships and a partner are not in my future but it only takes an unkind comment from someone which highlights the loneliness. Life is hard enough without being judged and when you are desperate to connect with others every word really makes an impact - kind or unkind I suppose.

bubblebubblebubbled

I would gently say if you want kindness
never ever post in AIBU

you could post ‘I’m dying of cancer and need more pain relief ‘ and at least 30 posts will be totally vile

people (it’s weird ) relish being a total cxxt to someone online

which is unfortunate but it’s not personal to you

I'm genuinely confused by why you would have to come to terms with this OP. It sounds as though you have access to a crystal ball and know for certain you will never be in a relationship. You don't and you can't.

You haven't mentioned your age. Many people meet and have kids late in life. DH and I had our first when I was 39. Many people meet the love of their life later on. I know couples who met in their fifties and are still like love struck teens with each other twenty years on.

I'm not suggesting 'live in hope'. But i do think the way to approach life is to not decide in advance that it will definitely bring you what you least want and most fear. Instead, decide to live well now and - cliche but true, the best way to do that is to love yourself and love your life. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. Get yourself out in the world doing what you love. Live where you choose, make a comfortable, welcoming home, pursue a career that excites you.

Many of my best friends are single and childless. We're now all approaching our sixties or on them. I have no idea why my favourite people in the world all turned out to stay single. This includes friends from primary school, uni, my twenties, my thirties. Several of them have had really interesting and rewarding careers. One of them definitely wanted children and a traditional life but it didn't go her way. She is now really respected in a very creative profession. Another never wanted kids but did want t meet The One. She hasn't yet, and she's in her sixties. But she has a brilliant, exciting job, loads of friends and goes travelling whenever she feels like it.

Really build up all the other aspects of a full life - whatever they are to you - career, interests, community work, politics, friendships and wider family, travel, fitness, the arts and music, home design, pets etc. Don't focus on hoping to find a loving partner but do stay open to the possibility.