How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

What is your life like? Are you a busy, active person who does this they find fulfilling/ gives back to the community but still feels lonely?

Or are you quite isolated in general?

If that latter, then try building your own interests and achievements and connections. See if that helps.

If the former, then that’s hard.

Actually, here’s a tip I am just starting to implement in my own life. If you have lots of connections/ activities but still feel lonely, look at your connections. Are you regularly meeting the same group of people each week? Because that is how you build up more solid relationships. The times I am not lonely are when I have set groups I go to on set days and meet the same group of people. You start to get to know each other then. Knowing lots of people you see less frequently doesn’t have the same effect.

Why do you think you will always be alone?

I was single throughout my teens, twenties and most of my thirties and I experienced what you have and more - yes, been flamed here too.

If it helps - and I’m not having a go at anybody here - people don’t understand.

You say ‘I am lonely’ and people hear

‘I am bored’ - they start suggesting ways to endlessly fill your time, not realising that single people also need quiet downtime.

’I need company, any company’ - they suggest ways to just surround yourself with others, which I always find strange because I do think everyone knows that we often feel lonelier with others than without.

’I am unfulfilled’ - I don’t buy this one. It’s normal to want a satisfying emotional and intimate relationship.

’I am better off than people in unhappy relationships’ arghh this one drives me mad, it’s so tone deaf, it really is the equivalent of telling the infertile that kids aren’t that great (which also happens here.)

But anyway, the MN view is that single people are lucky, living incredibly exciting lives focused on their careers and travelling at a whim and earning lots of money.

The truth for me is that I was always broke when single because everything cost so flipping much alone - even something like a national trust membership works out more expensive for one than two! Ditto holidays … yes the flight itself is cheaper but then accommodation and so on. And the honest truth is I didn’t find it all that enjoyable.

That isn’t to say some aspects weren’t enjoyable but I always felt I was missing out a bit. I’m on the other side now, with very young children and a husband and the idea of a visit to my old life - a week alone - is appealing, but that’s what people don’t get, it’s because it is out of the ordinary!

If I went on a trip to london and I loved the museums and the food and the pace and the nightlife and decided to move there I’d soon see the downsides - the high cost of living and the pollution and the overcrowding. That’s not saying something is wrong with London but a brief visit isn’t a life is what I’m saying.

So anyway to try and help (I wanted to empathise!) - I don’t know how old you are but life does work in weird ways and I found myself meeting my future husband aged 38, pregnant at 39, baby at 40, married at 41, pregnant with another baby at 42 and this baby will be born when I’m 43. Life is really strange! I think some of my friends still can’t quite believe it actually!

So - how did I fill my life? Well, I did get into creative writing which actually filled a big hole. It was purely for enjoyment rather than with lofty aims to be published but I did find that it engaged me and stopped me ruminating on other things. So for example one of my short stories was set in 1997, when I was 16/17 so I found myself researching Tony Blair’s rise to power, the music at that time, life generally. It was very interesting and the classes I did enabled me to meet people although no lasting friendships.

I also became quite aware I had a tendency to get a bit over invested in other peoples lives. The advice on here is always to sort of ‘adopt’ other families but I’d personally advise caution on this. It is easy to get over invested, make other peoples problems your problems, as a way of focusing your attention on things other than you. I also called time on some voluntary work I was doing. I became aware I was becoming a bit of a martyred saint and it wasn’t a role I wanted.

Everyone is different, the single life without a family wasn’t for me. But there is still a life out there for you and I really hope you can live your best life whoever you are with

I was more looking for advice on how to accept that this is it.
Or if there were others like me, to have a support thread or something.
Not how to find a partner.
I’m not interested to keep hy heart open anymore, I want it closed, shut off.
Hoping to meet someone, by searching or leaving it up to faith just makes the pain worse.

Sadly, some took a offence about mentioning kids, I’m sorry some of you are down about it, but we are so different and on the last post someone commented how gratefull they are to have children who love them.
I found it cruel and painfull thing to say To someone who is totally alone.
Again, no offence, we are just too different, nothing personal, please don’t get angry about that.

Hi!

Sorry, I really didn’t mean anything personal with the having a child.
Alm I’ve meant by is the total aloneness, I understand you’re the only grown-up but there is another person there anyway.

But you’re welcome here, because I really can’t relate to the happy single’s threads, please stay if you’d like.

How are you?
How have you being dealing with this?
Please don’t say by loving your child.

Hi OP

Just wanted to show some solidarity as I'm pretty sure I know how you feel. I often find myself drawn to the loneliness/no friends posts on here, thinking I've found a kindred spirit only to read that they have children and a partner. This by no means makes me think they're not really lonely but they fact they've managed at one point to meet someone and have children means they've achieved much, much more than me.

People don't understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. A busy person may love the idea of eating dinner alone but when it's your only choice day after day, its not the same, it's not enjoyable.

I'm still not sure how I want to live the rest of my life, it's certainly not gone how I've wanted. I recently decided it's time to stop living my life trying to make it how i want. So no more dating, no more trying new hobbies to meet people etc. I'm working on accepting I'll be single forever, I'm not quite there yet but know its time to live life differently.

For now I'm making lists. These include self care, getting fit, learning to run, making sure I see people (family and friends) and trying to figure out what I enjoy doing and how to apply that to future plans.

Social media has been great for me, I've joined some local book, walking and film groups but stay away from the general posts where folk appear to have amazing lifes.

I'm not sure how to accept the loneliness but I'm doing my best to work on it x

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. I understand the posters who say it's lonely with children...but when they are older you have birthdays to celebrate, someone to go on holidays with and shopping, it really isn't the same as being completely on your own.
I also agree the Spring and Summer are the worse, I had a relationship last Summer and it was the best Summer ever this year I am on my own again and dreading it. The same goes for the bank holidays; it's not having a default person to do things with...when I was 26 I had a group of 3 friends and we did everything every weekend together, you lose that as you get older. I have a dog and that's made a massive difference... honestly it just means that I am not constantly on my own.

How would you feel about a lodger if you own your own home, or a house share if you're renting?

Obviously not what you're really after but having another person bumbling around the house to chat to may be helpful?

Thank you so much for your comment @Holidaymoo it resonated with me.
All the best!

Thank you, I appreciate the advice, this isin’t possible.

I have been thinking about getting a dog, I lost my dog almost a year ago, haven’t been ready for another one yet.

U don't catastrophize.. u are essentially trying to come to terms with being single when u don't actually know if u will always be single. Nobody knows what will happen beyond this very moment.. so you live for you, don't think beyond today and whats meant to happen for you will! Its all about mindset

@BreakfastGold great post! Love the tip about making your home a sanctuary.

I’m just going by with how it’s always been.
I’m done with hoping and waiting and searching.
I want ice my heart, so I don’t give a shot anymore.
That’s what I want, not platitudes that are based on nothing.

I wasn't offended by your comments about having children, I was really just pointing out that it's easy to look at different situations and think that other people are better of than you. When, in reality, many people are experiencing their own difficulties in their own situations.

The problem with this sort of loneliness (and a pp is right really, suggestions to fill your time aren't really what you're looking for, I know that) is that it really is just about finding joy, peace and contentment in what you have. Look for the blessings in your life as it's. They will be there.

The problem with support threads (which you said you wanted) is that they can sometimes become an echo chamber of people who feel the same way but without any solution or real support offered other than - you're not alone.

Unfortunately, nothing anyone says is going to help you (I know, I've been there) amd you end up just feeling frustrated that people don't understand. And that there is no answer.

People do understand but only from their own perspective. But that's why people who talk about being happily single don't resonate with you and people who are lonely with children don't resonate with you.

The answer really doesn't in finding your own inner peace with it all.

I started spending half an hour in the garden each morning with a cup of tea before work and often before the rest of the world had awoken. I did 'date myself' in that I didn't let being alone (in any sense) stop me from doing things I wanted to do - dinner, walks, museum visits, films, hobbies, festivals, weekends away etc. I did them all on my own and the loneliness did subside. I also made a bit of a life plan for myself and worked towards that - which is why I suggested that. Because it gave my life direction and stopped one day from feeling like it was running into the next.

Part of the loneliness comes from a feeling that the world is passing you by and its never going to change, which is why people suggest getting out there and doing things.

Counselling/therapy can help but that's because the answer already lies within you. You just can't see it at the moment.

I really recognise this. It's how I felt a few years ago and I think I posted here asking something similar - how I could make peace with it.

I found the responses equally frustrating tbh because they're not the answer you are looking for.

It's really hard.

I think there are ways to overcome loneliness, but first I think you have to grieve over the life you wanted (and haven't had so far). Have you heard of Jody Day? She has an org called Gateway Women for involuntary childless and particularly single and childless women (she calls it the double whammy). Her book, Rocking the Life Unexpected, is good too.

I really feel for you OP. It's a double whammy and very hard.

I was really just pointing out that it's easy to look at different situations and think that other people are better of than you.

That’s not what my reasoning,

When, in reality, many people are experiencing their own difficulties in their own situations.

this kind of is.
Parents have company, they grow, they are people in your life.
And they’ll bury you one, single and childless people do not have this. I will die alone, no one will be there to bury me.
It’s totally different when it comes ro having or not having children.

But l’m really afraid this thread will turn into a shitstorm also, so I’ll leave this topic now.
Parents will never understand, and they can’t, that’s okey. But it’s not the same.

And I don't say ' grieve' flippantly - it's a not an easy process. Another term might be radical acceptance.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single

Why do you think that being single has anything to do with being broken hearted?

Yeah.
Who knew being single and loneliness is such a taboo.
I guess it’s because it’s so vast and scary thing.

No, never heard of her.
I will look her and the book up, thank you!

Because she is talking about how she feels?

https://gateway-women.com/

Good luck OP x

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Jody Day talks about that a lot.

@BringItOnxxx

Thank you for answering for OP.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup Why do you feel that being being single has anything to do with being broken hearted?