How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

What?
What kind of question is that?

Because my heart is broken.

I wasn’t aware there are rules on who gets to have their heart broken and for what reason.

It's an important question.

Do you think that that's a permanent state? Because being heartbroken is temporary, but being single can last for as long as you like, and they're not the same thing.

I guess you deal with it by accepting the life choice you've made. If you're determined to stay single then you work at being at peace with yourself and your life choices, either through therapy, chatting to others in the same position, doing things people in relationships can't do etc etc. Above all you focus on making yourself happy. I don't think there's really any other magic answer. If you are lonely then try to form connections with people by shared interests. If you don't want to form friendships then you find ways of enjoying yourself alone. Then eventually you feel less heartbroken about it. Sometimes the sadness feeling might not leave, but distracting yourself and throwing yourself into other aspects of life you enjoy is the only way to move forward. Have you also considered you may be depressed OP? If that's the case you get some medical help, or find ways to combat depression naturally, like spending time outdoors, exercise, better eating etc. Even if you are not depressed, these things still help. Focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be, then even if you don't always enjoy your own company, you will know that you cared about yourself and lived your best life. I think it's also helpful to remember that people can be heartbroken for lots of different reasons even if they are not totally alone, they may feel alone. It's all relative to a certain degree. You are certainly not alone in finding life difficult, but i'm not sure if that's any comfort to you. I wish you all the best OP

It’s not by choice @concernedalot .

No, I’m not depressed, checked it.

chatting to others in the same position
This is what I’ve been trying to do, but many people who have no idea, came up.
Few were helpfull and kind, thanks to them.

Thinking about the people I know who have been single and accepted that they will remain so…

Most went and had a baby by a donor. They seemed to do it as they desperately wanted to be a mum rather than fear of loneliness but I’m sure there was a mixture of both.

Some put a lot of energy into their own lives and hobbies. Usually something creative like writing, art, gardening. often had a cat or dog or both.

I don’t know many who are single and are/were childless but I do know a lot of people who married someone not so great to avoid being single and childless.

OP you have a great sadness around being single. There are things you can do to improve that but maybe you’ve been wise enough not to compromise (and end up with a whole other set of relationship problems) and don’t want to have a child for very valid reasons. You want to feel better and less lonely so if the above two solutions aren’t for you, then you must work on how you perceive everything in order to feel better about it. You can fill your life with other things. But without a change in mindset, that won’t give you the peace and happiness you want.

I think counselling wouldn’t be a bad idea.

This is what I’ve been trying to do, but many people who have no idea, came up

Some of us have been where you are and learned things you haven't yet. Just because we're saying things you don't get, it doesn't mean we 'have no idea'. It might be worth considering the replies you've received more deeply, before denouncing them clueless.

All you’ve done is ask how do I know my hear is broken.
Really do not see any wisdom in your comments, arrogance - yes.

Perhaps explain better.

Nah, you sound wise enough.

Best of luck.

See!
You got nothing.

I am wise, that’s true, but you gave nothing to go on by, just snarkiness.

All the best for you too

I was 44 and broken when I finally accepted that I would probably never have another long term relationship, deleted all my dating apps, and realised that I was enough on my own. I had a wide friendship circle, great social life, just enough money to get by, and a little home that I loved. For me, dating was exhausting, emotionally draining and killing my self-esteem, so I opted out of the whole thing.

Of course, that's when someone I had met years before got in touch and asked me out for a drink, and I initially said no because, well, if someone isn't going to enhance your life, why let them into it? He turned out to be wonderful, caring, patient and funny, so I kept him around and now we have a house together. I do remind him occasionally that he scuppered my plans of a single retirement, living with my friends like the Golden Girls, but I don't really mind. People always told me that the right one would come along when I least expected it, and I though it was condescending BS, but it actually happened. If he hadn't come along, I would still be fine though.

Do you have friends OP? I know lots of women who are on their own (mid 50s/60s) and they seem to live full and happy lives. The traits they have in common are that they are positive people, fun and interesting to be around, and therefore have lots of friends.

I imagine if you're a miserable person to be around, and therefore don't have many friends, it would be really hard being single.

I thought you said in one of your posts OP that you wanted to 'ice your heart' and that you're done. Okay so the situation you find yourself in now may not be 'through choice', but you are choosing to deal with whatever has happened by staying on your own. So then you work on not caring a jot about relationships and make yourself happy. Do stuff for you. The more you keep doing it, the better you'll feel. It's good that you're not depressed. You can make it work, have faith in yourself!

I'm in the same position, and it can be a very lonely place. Society seems to have the assumption that you are just not trying hard enough to find a partner, rather than it just being a matter of luck. Our culture is based around the traditional family unit. It does lead to silence and pity which I hate.

Things that help me (and I don't have all the answers!) are trying to live in the moment, meditation, making my home my sanctuary, nature, avoiding social media, avoiding trad media on high days and holidays, studying and accepting there are few like me so friends will be few and far between. I've recently been looking at Nicole LePera's work and have found it very useful. Good luck.

Not me but things that have been said to me by single friends I have - we talk about everything

The hardest connection to break is that single = lonely It takes guts and time

Face the heartbreak - it feels like yours is very real; that you genuinely are grieving not having a life partner/kids/both. So you go through the same emotions as death - anger, sadness, denial, acceptance etc.

Making a very definite choice that being single will not define you

Good friendship groups are really important. As is doing all kinds of things you want to - travelling, hobbies, going out; whatever that might be

One volunteers a lot and has a brilliant 'family' at her church

2 have a number of friendship groups that they do different things with - spa days, travel, going out etc.

One decided to travel - then met the love of her life after 2 weeks and never came back!

Wishing you all the best

Cheers mate. Glad you're happy.

I think you have misunderstood @concernedalot , I’m not single by choice, and the way things have gone it’s not a possibility for me.
And I want to let go of stupid hopes and dreams and stop caring.
I hope that clears out things a bit.
Want to try and make the best with the little I’ve got.
I thought I was clear I’m not looking for ”when you least expect” kind of stories.
Just wanted to see if there was anyone who’s been through the same I’ve been and how to make peace with it.

Just wanted to see if there was anyone who’s been through the same I’ve been and how to make peace with it

I have.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup are you as rude, dismissive and superior in real life as you are too the people who have given you (perfectly decent) advice on this thread.

I await your response where you predictably snap at me that I'm the rude one.

Thank you @fioreun

See this is why we need people who actually understand because they’ve been through the same.

I learned I’m terrible at meditation, yoga has helped me to find some calmness.

I do the avoidance too, too bas spring/summer seems to always wash up all the couples/families.

All the best for you!

Some posters are being jerks to you OP and I have no idea why. As if you’re denying that parents can be lonely when of course that’s not your point - but loneliness without children is a different thing entirely. I hear you.

I have nothing useful to offer except maybe do as many of the things you enjoy/give you comfort/pleasure as much as you can. And maybe if you want to protect your heart and keep things closed, that could help make you bold, try new things, because - fuck it, why not?

I didn't think I had misunderstood! But anyway my advice still applies. Viewing it the same as a bereavement as a pp suggested is probably the best way of looking at it. If you want to get more definitive answers about your particular situation then you might get more structured advice, but I understand if you don't want to share it

Some posters are being jerks to you OP and I have no idea why.

I don’t know, I really don’t get it 🤷🏽‍♀️
I guess some people need someone to take their anger and bitterness on and today it was me.

I'm pretty terrible at meditation too!! Other things that have helped are journalling, being self employed as I found corporate life too family focused, was often told nobody knew what to talk to me about! My work is interesting and has continuous learning opportunities and I have lots of interests. I also made a promise to myself not to miss out on anything I wanted to do, so I travel, go to cinema eat out go to music events etc on my own.

I do have a child (conceived using a fertility clinic/donor). Interestingly, I have felt more lonely since having her, even though she is fantastic company. Whenever parenting is tricky, when there are big decisions to make about DD etc. I really notice that I'm a lone parent and find myself thinking 'if I had a partner, we'd discuss this together in the evening with a drink and it wouldn't all fall to me'.

Before I had DD I had a very active social life and work life which masked the lack of partner much better. Now I spend my the majority of my evenings in a quiet house!

I don't know what the answer is. I, like you, seem extremely unlikely to ever meet a partner and I sorely miss the thing I've never had of another adult to be in it together with and to chew over the dull minutiae of the day with when we get home from work. Yes, I know many relationships are riddled with issues but actually, my friends have all met good, equal partners who they undoubtedly benefit from.