How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

From other threads, OP is in her 30s so I also think closing off the possibility of ever having a relationship is quite extreme.

Hi op, I know you said you didn't want 'happy ending' posts but I couldn't read and run.

I met someone last year, and am happy. I was late 20s and desperate for a family of my own.

But up until that point, I could completely resonate with you. Every family wedding / gathering / funeral it would be ' when are you going to settle down'
'When are you going to have kids'
'You'd make a great mum'

It used to wind me up. What has my single life got to do with them. They'd have no idea of the pain I was suffering inside because I longed for that too but hadn't really met anyone I clicked with well enough. The anxiety that filled me going to events knowing I'd be the only single one was hard. I filled my life with plans and friends and adore my nieces and newphews which did help me although I always deep down had a pang for that companionship.

Things that helped me:
I had made a decision that if I'd not met anyone by a certain age, I'd look in to using a sperm donor / adoption.

I focused on saving money to be able to afford this in the long term.

It isn't for everyone, but it got me through tough times knowing that a baby may be an option even on my own.

Other things that helped were being confident in my response to people asking why haven't I met anyone yet.

You can't meet someone if you aren't happy in yourself.

I'm sorry but I'm a bit fed up of this bollocks:

You can't meet someone if you aren't happy in yourself.

I know plenty of people who weren't happy at the point they entered their long term relationships. People straight out of a crappy prior relationship, people still in their unhappy prior relationship, needy people who just want looking after, people who can't cope with being single so aren't happy while they are. I could go on...

I had a very happy 20s and 30s. Very comfortable in my own company, busy social life, spent time doing sports/other activities I enjoy, traveled, had enough disposable income to do what I wanted, bought my own place and did it up etc. I was genuinely content and entirely self-sufficient, not spending my hours yearning for a relationship.

I've had long phases of being completely happy single. In some ways I sometimes wonder whether I function too well as a singleton and don't come across as someone who 'needs' a partner, despite the fact I think I would really benefit from and enjoy having one.

Completely agree...I know people who have met their partners when they were at really awful points in their lives and frankly the relationship brought them happiness.
If I am being hon

Sorry! Posted too soon...
Was about when my marriage broke down and I got divorced I met some one a few months later and while it wasn't loves young dream it pulled me through the pain of the break up...

I think the point generally is that if you're not happy in yourself you're more likely to attract the wrong kind of partner. A needy person will often attach to the first person who is kind, etc.

Being happy with yourself sounds trite but there's a lot to be said for being content single because if you're happy with your own company you'll have higher standards and only entertain the idea of a relationship with someone who adds something to your life.

Of course, plenty of people aren't happy single and then meet someone and find happiness. Sometimes it just works out that way. Generally speaking though it's healthy to accept your own company then it's win win.

I find it interesting that despite being asked twice you have not told us how old you are.

I think the idea is that if you use a relationship to bring you the happiness you want in life, then you're putting too much pressure on the relationship. It's not to say that it never works for anybody, but that there's a higher risk of failure, and if the relationship does fail, you're in a worse place, because your relationship is gone, and you don't have access to the thing that's been providing you happiness, either.

You can denounce it as 'bollocks' if you like, it doesn't make it any less of a good point. Perhaps ask yourself why so many people say it, if it's so nonsensical.

Your targeting the wrong audience. You say your last thread was hundreds of people who are happy being single. Isn't that the exact group of people you need to respond.
I'm single 5 years,I have once son who is grown up and moved away. True I have a grandchild I see at the weekend and obvs other family friends etc but I'm 45 and have no intention of being with anyone again.
I've dated people for company/had sexual flings over those years but actually havent even bothered with that for nearly 2 years so I'm as single as you can be be, without living on a deserted Island.
Single people do get lonely, but so do people in relationships. Theres no magic solution here. You have to learn to date/invest in yourself. That sounds silly right but once you start doing it it becomes second nature and being single is quite fun. I pour everything I have into me knowing I'm the best bet. I dont pour it into someone else. Living each day knowing there is not a person out there who can break my heart or blow my world apart (obvs we cant control everything in life and bad things still happen) but im talking about that gut wrenching pain of being heartbroken, well its liberating. My happiness depends on me and I live my life on my terms.

Isn't it slightly similar to grieving for a partners death? Sone widows probably don't want to be told they will be okay in the future, may be happy alone, or that they may one day love someone else.

Not sure how one advises them. Anything you say would be considered just platitudes really.

From the pov of the grieving person they also need to be aware that patience of others probably runs thin after a while and they want one to "move on /accept".

So there probably are online forums for people to rant about the unfairness of things. With other similar people. As other people don't want to hear it after a while.

So there probably are online forums for people to rant about the unfairness of things. With other similar people. As other people don't want to hear it after a while.

The OP has received lots of good advice and suggestions and mostly from people who have been where she is.

Sadly, she's not at a place yet where she can hear those things so this is probably exactly what she is looking for right now.

I don't mean that as a criticism. I just think it's the truth.

This is such an unfair comment @GreyCarpet
It really is.

A few commenters have been kind enough to actually read my post(s) and actually answered my question.

But mist commenters have been the usual crap of not giving up, you never know, parents who took offence for whatever reason, people who are happily in a relationship.
I just don’t understand why bother to reply with something I specifically said has no relevence to my situation.
I don’t want to go into details, but it’s over for me. I wish people would have that much respect towards others and believe that I know my situation. And not fill this thread on how they ’finally’ met the live of their live in their late 20’s (can you believe someone had to wait that long /s).
At this point it’s just insulting. Like they want to hurt someone who’s already in pain.
None of this was what I asked, I hope you don’t mean these were the ’lot of good advice’?

All I asked was how to make peace with the fact.
Not being told childish fantasies.
Those don’t help, surely people have to realize that.

It's not our business to pry. But people aren't trying to boast or belittle by saying they met someone when they least expected. They just can't understand why you feel this is impossible and won't have it, ever.

Is there a particular reason that you feel prevents you from ever finding someone? And obviously if that's not something you're comfortable sharing, then ignore me.

people aren't trying to boast or belittle

It certainly felt that way considering I specifically said that those comments weren’t someothing I’m looking for. Why tell how very happy you are to someone who is struggling,
if not to cause more pain?

They just can't understand why you feel this is impossible and won't have it, ever.

My whole life is a living proof it won’t.

Is there a particular reason that you feel prevents you from ever finding someone?

Yes. I don’t want to say what that reason is, but yes. And like I said, I have my whole life to proof it’s true.

I know it sounds unfair. And if someone had said it to me 3 years ago, I'd have been really fucking angry with them.

I'd have been as equally frustrated with the comments.

I wasn't in the place to hear it either.

As someone has already said, when people post 'you don't know what the future holds' type posts, yes, sometimes they're meaningless empty platitudes but it doesn't mean it isn't the truth. And many people are speaking from personal experience. I've already said that I posted here asking for advice on how to accept it and make peace with it.

But there is no magic wand, words or solution. The way to be ok with it has already been explained to you by many people but you've rejected it because, at the moment, it's not where you are.

You need to rant and shout and scream. And that's OK too. Take a drive to the middle of nowhere and do it.

But there is nothing anyone can say to you to help you 'make peace' with it because that is your own journey and you'll have to find it yourself.

People have told you what worked for them. That's all they can do.

They just can't understand why you feel this is impossible and won't have it, ever.

My whole life is a living proof it won’t.

This mindset is what you need to change. Honestly.

And I know, I know, it's not a mindset - you have years of evidence to support your position. You can remember every comment and every scenario in great detail. The scales are weighted heavily against you. Every failed attempt is just more weight to the 'fail' side so you get to the point where you just don't want to try anymore because you can't see that load increase anymore.

You have to let all of that go. Because, let's face it, you're never going to he happy if you you spend all your time being miserable.

Why tell how very happy you are to someone who is struggling,
if not to cause more pain?

They're doing it for the polar opposite, please see that. They aren't "rubbing it in", can you not see that they are saying, "I felt exactly the same as you OP, exactly the same. But then I found someone" They are trying to show you that they were as adamant as you, and yet they got proved wrong, so don't give up all hope. They're trying to boost how you feel. Even if you're not taking it that way, it's what they are meaning to do.

My whole life is a living proof it won’t.

And that's exactly what those posters would have said as well.

Yes. I don’t want to say what that reason is, but yes. And like I said, I have my whole life to proof it’s true.

This is where it gets tricky. If there's something completely unique to you, that genuinely, physically prevents you from having a relationship, ever (I can't think what this could be, where there's no other person who has ever been in your position who could advise, but take what you say as fact) then asking people who aren't/can not ever be in the same position, how they cope with something, is never going to give you an answer helpful to you.

You're getting generic answers that apply to 99.9% of people, whilst also being certain that you are not part of that demographic.

Does that make sense? I know what I'm trying to say, but crap at phrasing things

@GreyCarpet
Isin’t strange how you say you understand, but keep doing to me what you claim people did to you?
If you’d actually understood, wouldn’t you comment very differently?

…place to hear it…

Please stop this, it’s so condescending.
Maybe you really did struggle at some point, but we’re clearly not the same, so spare me.

No, I can’t see it that way.
Once more, specifically detailed what I didn’t care to hear, ignored all of it, made it about themselves and informed how happy they are.
That is just plain rude.
How anyone fails to see that is beyond me.

And I know I haven’t given big details (and I don’t want to, considering how much people do not want to understand) but I’ll be guessing that people leaving those comments are pretty average people, of course they’re going to have options, many could be turning down offers.

If there's something completely unique to you, that genuinely, physically prevents you from having a relationship, ever (I can't think what this could be

You’re just going to have to take my word for it.
I don’t mean to be secretive or vague, but I won’t be torn to shreds about it here.

Isin’t strange how you say you understand, but keep doing to me what you claim people did to you?

No. Its not strange in the slightest.

Everyone is saying similar because it's the truth 🤦🏻‍♀️

How anyone fails to see that is beyond me.

Then it might be time for you to consider that it is your perspective which is flawed and not every single poster in this (and your previous) thread.

But, OK, let's say fair enough to that.

In that case, what do you want to hear?

No, I can’t see it that way.

That's genuinely really sad. They're not gloating about themselves. They're literally just saying, "it happened to me when I thought it was impossible too". If you honestly can't see that (and again I'm not being sarky, I mean it quite literally) then there's something much deeper going on here. Imagine a lottery winner saying "I never thought it would happen to me." And someone else saying "I'll never buy a ticket. I will never ever win." And the winner saying "That's what I thought, but I'm living proof that even the most unlikely thing can happen". Do you see, they aren't boasting about their win. Just saying "I thought the same as you, but hey, it happened to me"

You’re just going to have to take my word for it.

I don't disbelieve you at all. I can see that you are adamant that there is a specific thing about you, which you believe, through your experience so far, means a relationship is impossible.

I don’t mean to be secretive or vague, but I won’t be torn to shreds about it here.

Absolutely your right to keep your business private. Can I ask, is the thing completely unique to you? Is there no one else with the same thing you could speak too? (Apologies for crass use of the term "thing" but I literally have no clue what other word to use without any inkling what the situation is)

Just because you're single and feel lonely right now does not mean it will be like this for the rest of your life.

Sounds like you've decided that the opposite is true. The reality is your future is probably very much brighter than you anticipate.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup there is one comment that has been standing out to me

I want ice my heart, so I don’t give a shot anymore.

Thats sort if scary to me. Because when you ice your heart, when you close your heart to others, you also close your heart to yourself.
I think your answer is about self compassion and self love. It’s about acknowledging the hurt and the grief of being single, not by choice.

There are many ways of dealing with grief. One is counselling. Someone was mentioning meditation (and you were mentioning yoga). Journaling has helped me a lot.
Not everything works for everyone so you might want to experiment too.
Another way is to fill your life with love. Not the one you have for a partner. But love for the world around you, friends, yourself. Being mindful of what’s around you (use all your senses!) to reconnect with your life.