Hello all
Name changed for this, because frankly I'm embarrassed to be writing this but I don't know what to do anymore.
I am in a happy relationship, we've been together just over 18 months, barely ever argued, really compatible, I feel settled and content and happy.
Before this relationship I was single from 2017 to late 2021 when I met my current partner. I was single for that time because my ex partner had absolutely shattered my heart by breaking up with me (which felt out of the blue). I adored and loved him for years after the break up and learned to live with that love, learned to live with the fact I would never be over him and I think eventually just stopped thinking about it.
Fast forwards to around a month ago, and I got a text from a number I didn't recognise. Turns out it was my ex partner, and he'd sent a long heartfelt text apologising for the break up, explaining he was depressed and needed to sort himself out. He said he's been single since we broke up, and for the last 2 years has just been sorting himself out (he now has a high level job in the NHS, bought a house and is settled with his two dogs). He said he's never gone a day without thinking about me, he couldn't imagine ever loving somebody that wasn't me and he couldn't not reach out. He said he'd wanted to ring so many times but didn't know where I was at with my life - I blocked him on all social media from the second we broke up because I couldn't bare the idea of seeing him with a new woman, as pathetic as that is.
My problem is after the message, and him contacting me, he's right back in my head again. I fully resigned myself to a life of always loving him, thinking it's the same as 'never forgetting your first love' - though he was my third love. I've never loved somebody the way I loved him, it was intense and passionate. I don't feel that for my current partner, I feel a different kind of love - but decided love is different for everyone and it won't always be the heady passionate head over heels in love.
I don't know what to do or how to get my ex out of my head. I haven't replied, I haven't even acknowleged the message - he's sent a few since, one to apologise for contacting me after so long and another to say he understands if I never respond but if I ever did want to talk about everything it would be really good for him and me.
Has anyone ever been in this position before? I feel so guilty on my current partner to even be thinking about my ex, I've been crying most evenings because all the feelings and the heartbreak have come rushing back. I am happy in my relationship - but if I'm happy, why am I this upset about my ex all over again? I'd really appreciate some advice - but hopefully kind words / frame them kindly - I'm feeling really fragile with all of this, it's safe to say my head is a mess but I needed to get it all out. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this because I don't want to make it more 'real', but mumsnet has been with me through a lot.
Thank you in advance for any comments, any support or any experiences from anyone who's been in the same position. Ideally I'd like to forget my ex and carry on being happy with my current partner - but it seems my heart and head can't agree.
Thanks for reading this far.