How to forget an ex?

[HowToForget]

Hello all

Name changed for this, because frankly I'm embarrassed to be writing this but I don't know what to do anymore.

I am in a happy relationship, we've been together just over 18 months, barely ever argued, really compatible, I feel settled and content and happy.

Before this relationship I was single from 2017 to late 2021 when I met my current partner. I was single for that time because my ex partner had absolutely shattered my heart by breaking up with me (which felt out of the blue). I adored and loved him for years after the break up and learned to live with that love, learned to live with the fact I would never be over him and I think eventually just stopped thinking about it.

Fast forwards to around a month ago, and I got a text from a number I didn't recognise. Turns out it was my ex partner, and he'd sent a long heartfelt text apologising for the break up, explaining he was depressed and needed to sort himself out. He said he's been single since we broke up, and for the last 2 years has just been sorting himself out (he now has a high level job in the NHS, bought a house and is settled with his two dogs). He said he's never gone a day without thinking about me, he couldn't imagine ever loving somebody that wasn't me and he couldn't not reach out. He said he'd wanted to ring so many times but didn't know where I was at with my life - I blocked him on all social media from the second we broke up because I couldn't bare the idea of seeing him with a new woman, as pathetic as that is.

My problem is after the message, and him contacting me, he's right back in my head again. I fully resigned myself to a life of always loving him, thinking it's the same as 'never forgetting your first love' - though he was my third love. I've never loved somebody the way I loved him, it was intense and passionate. I don't feel that for my current partner, I feel a different kind of love - but decided love is different for everyone and it won't always be the heady passionate head over heels in love.

I don't know what to do or how to get my ex out of my head. I haven't replied, I haven't even acknowleged the message - he's sent a few since, one to apologise for contacting me after so long and another to say he understands if I never respond but if I ever did want to talk about everything it would be really good for him and me.

Has anyone ever been in this position before? I feel so guilty on my current partner to even be thinking about my ex, I've been crying most evenings because all the feelings and the heartbreak have come rushing back. I am happy in my relationship - but if I'm happy, why am I this upset about my ex all over again? I'd really appreciate some advice - but hopefully kind words / frame them kindly - I'm feeling really fragile with all of this, it's safe to say my head is a mess but I needed to get it all out. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this because I don't want to make it more 'real', but mumsnet has been with me through a lot.

Thank you in advance for any comments, any support or any experiences from anyone who's been in the same position. Ideally I'd like to forget my ex and carry on being happy with my current partner - but it seems my heart and head can't agree.

Thanks for reading this far.

I'd ignore
Imagine if you got back together and he did it again ?
I'd put money on the fact he hasn't been single and that it's gone tits up with whoever he left you for .

Oh gosh, what a headfuck for you. I think if you’re now happy and settled it’s definitely worth just focusing on that, because ex has form for being flaky and you don’t want to leave your happy relationship just to be hurt all over again. Of course he’s going to be in your head now, you spend ages trying to move on and forget him, I think it’s going to be normal ti have him on your mind, and think about all the “what ifs”. I’d be inclined to ignore it, he’s clearly feeling guilty but it’s not your job to clear his conscience after all these years.

I really feel for this situation.

@qqq82 I'm doing my best to ignore, i haven't responded and it's imessage so doesn't say I've opened the messages / been active etc. We have mutual friends so I know he has genuinely been single, and was single after we broke up etc - I think in a way that's what made it feel worse, because at least if it was for someone else there'd be a reason we broke up. I'm intending to keep ignoring it / him - but just don't know how to make my heart ignore.

@TheWitchingHour I am really struggling with it genuinely, I feel like I'm not concentrating because my entire mind is filled with the what ifs and the why nows and all of that. It's very hard! My brain wants to be able to completely switch off from it and go back to before he contacted me, but my heart feels that love that never ever left me, but just became a part of me.

This is a tough one and I feel for you.

what was his reasons for breaking up with you? Enough to make us all hate him and tell you not to go back there?

can you do the ole pros and cons lists of each man?
decide who has the most pros?

as you can see I’m not great at advice.
but one thing to consider- if you left your current partner and then he got someone new- would you feel crushed or happy for him?

He’s done it once, he will do it twice. A good trick is to reignite those feelings of pain loss and anger. Really remember how awful it was at it’s worst! Are you gonna be the fool that falls for it twice?

It’s done now. You can’t go back and unread the message. I’d meet him and talk it through. Maybe everyone else would say that’s a crazy idea but what else can you do? People will say ignore it. But you’re not, he’s inside your head again

@ThePinkQualityStreet his reasons - and I got this reason about 8 months after we originally broke up when we bumped into each other (last time I saw him in person), and the same reasons are in his text all these years later. He was depressed, didn't enjoy his job or his lifestyle - worked nights, lived in a flat with a mate he clashed with, felt he had nowhere to go and constantly worried I'd leave and find someone better. He said he had to end it with me before I ended it with him and he lost me - it didn't make sense to me at the time but I don't like to question mental health and the impact it has as I know it's so different for everyone. He's gotten counselling and seems to have sorted it out.

Pros and cons are hard - they both have pros, and they both have cons. Even thinking like that makes me feel so guilty for my current partner, but the amount of love and adoration I had for my ex would put him above anyone, it was the deepest love that I just accepted I wouldn't feel again for someone. That makes it sound like I'm not in love / not happy with my current partner but truly I am.

It's hard to think - I think eventually down the line I'd be happy for my current partner if he met someone else. I don't think it would destroy me, whereas the thought of my ex even now with someone else makes me feel like I could cry. It's such a silly situation I feel like my life has been turned upside down.

@Whochangedmynamec I'm trying to remember the pain - this is so silly but on Sunday night I listened to all the songs that I listened to back in the fresh heartbreak of it and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for over an hour. I don't think am healed from the break up after all this time, and the thought of going back to that fresh heartbreak for whatever reason kills me.

@Zanatdy I did wonder whether meeting him in person and talking everything through would help - for closure perhaps more than anything else, because that's one thing I never got. But what if I met him and every single one of those old feelings were still there? Surely that over complicates it even more.

It seems like those feelings are there still regardless, whether you meet him
or not. But yes it might make those feeling stronger - or it might bring some closure. I would like to speak, but then people on here said recently I was being stupid wanting to speak in person to the guy who dumped me over text! I think that kind of thing always deserves a face to face explanation but maybe too much water is under the bridge and it would make things worse. I guess you could write back and say thanks for the explanation, it was really tough for me not knowing why at the time, and I appreciate you reaching out to explain now. All the best.

The thing is what are you going to do if you meet him, and he declares undying love and a massive mistake he’s regretted all this time. Would you rather not know if he does think that? If so better sending a brief reply saying thanks for explaining, I’m happy in a relationship and wish you all the best. What a nightmare. I don’t know what I’d do either I really don’t. I have someone who I often think of and really felt strongly about him but it would never have worked. I know that but I’ll always hold a torch for him. I don’t know what I’d do if he ever got in touch.

@Zanatdy I feel like if I met him and had an honest conversation, either way it could help - either I realise I love an old version of him and too much time has passed with too much life lived, or things feel more intense and I suppose I have a harder decision to make. But how would I know without meeting him.

Then on the other hand, do I do the thanks but no thanks and concentrate on moving on and my life with my current partner - live with him in my head for however long it takes which is what I'd already learned to do.

It's just so hard! I feel like if I did meet him - in a public place for a coffee at lunchtime would be the only kind of meeting I'd allow so he couldn't get any ideas - how do I speak to my current partner about that.

I'm just going round in circles with the what ifs and different options!

I think you have the rose tinted glasses on

@Citadel8 could well be the case - in which case, how do I take them off 😩

Your new partner probably wouldn’t like it, I mean who would. I wouldn’t tell him personally if I was going to meet him, not before hand, maybe after just to say I’m letting you know that I went to meet him as I felt like I needed that closure. Even then I guess he might feel hurt. You don’t want to risk your current relationship if you’re keen to stay with this guy. Do you love him? I know not in the same way as the ex but do you feel like you love him, or will be always live in the shadows of the ex? Will everyone live in the shadows of the ex? Just be careful as you could end up losing your current relationship too. Is he contacting you as he’s genuinely regretted leaving you all this time, or if he just feeling bored with single life and feels it’s easier to get back with someone he was mostly happy with that meet someone new. Good luck, be careful

@Zanatdy I think I'd have to tell my current partner - he's a very understanding man and has known me for years including through the break up with my ex. We've spoken about our exes a few times for various reasons and he knows how heartbroken I was and how I never felt I got over it. But I feel that would make it worse should I meet him - difficult to think how I would feel in this situation. My current partner only has one ex and they have a child together so of course have always been in regular contact.

I do feel like I love him - but it is definitely a different love, like a comfortable settled love.

Honestly, everyone will always be in the shadows of my ex. I felt that way from the day I met my ex and that feeling hasn't gone away since. Just one of those things that is what it is!

This may be rose tinted glasses, but I do genuinely believe he has missed me / I have been in his mind here and there. I know through the grapevine he's been diagnosed with Chrons disease (not sure about spelling there) - he's been quite ill with it, and even said to me in his long text that as he was explaining that it's been difficult for him and another reason why he had to sort his life out and think about what he wants. But does he just want someone to look after him!

I wish I could snap my fingers and travel back a couple of months when I was just happily living with him as just a find memory, someone I got sad over now and then but for the most part was just grateful for showing me that kind of love.

Personally I could never settle.
I would have to ex and see how I felt
I was in a similar position as you.
Except it was a 15 year gap.
In the end - and it took about 3 months to be sure - and I thought long and hard about what I truely wanted - I was glad to say I loved my current partner more.

@HowToForget I do think you have rose tinted glasses on here however I think you should meet up with this ex as you need closure either way. But you should also be honest with your current partner that you are still not over your ex and let him move on to someone who feels he’s their one and only. If you were 100% about your new partner you wouldn’t be feeling this way. I would hate to be with someone who was feeling about someone else the way you are talking about your ex. I think you will probably find this ex won’t give you a happy ever after but to be fair to everyone, end things with your partner and go find out. If it doesn’t work out you can move onto someone else without any what ifs.

@TammyJones thank you for sharing your experience, I'm glad you found your current partner was the absolute one. I hope I can say I find myself in that same situation soon 🤍

@Shapemyeyebrows I completely understand where you're coming from and I think many would agree, but I have to disagree. I absolutely am in love with my partner, it's just a different kind of love. I am happy, comfortable, confident, and safe in the love I have with my partner. We respect each other completely, our lives blend together perfectly and I never have to worry about being hurt or questioning. I've never been as comfortable or felt as loved, and the love I have for my partner is a genuine one.

It's just different to the love I had with my ex. That was passionate, intense, full on - we used to say we were obsessed with each other and that's the best way to describe it. It wasn't the comfortable safe kind of love, it was love but it was different.

I don't want someone else or someone new. I love my life with my partner, I just want to know how to deal with the what ifs and the situation I've found myself in that has thrown me off the status quo I was happy with.

I can imagine how this might feel...
I hope this helps you: I don't know your ex partner but I feel it's so easy to rock up when everything is settled and ask to get back together or to see each other ( a little bit pathetic too ) I am not an unreasonably proud person but I would never have accepted him back in my life or even entertain the idea of giving him my time. You can appreciate an apology and that's all the closure you need and boy did it take him long! He has shown that when shit hits the fan he will break up with you . You need a strong partner by your side who is committed to working through things- not a loser who will come back to you years later looking for the last piece to finish his life puzzle ( house job relationship) he let you go and broke your heart and he did not appreciate you when he had you. Why the sudden change of heart?
I would be very weary of him- he really is not to be trusted.
I say this because even if I do not know you I am such a girl's girl and I care.
of course you are free to ignore this advice: work on making the relationship you have the best it can be - nurture it.
If you don't feel the same crazy love for your current partner it might be a good thing- sometimes when we are with someone stable who makes us feel safe we think something is missing cause we don't feel the rollercoasters. Long lasting stable and deep love is everything you need- don't miss your chance. Love can grow ( it certainly has for me) and most importantly love is looking right in front of you- don't look back!

I think you need to meet him

@powerpufff thank you so much for your reply - it has brought tears to my eyes. It's a really good perspective, and I completely agree about the love and the rollercoasters etc. When I first got close to my current partner I didn't think anything would come of it because there was no dramas, no games and what felt like no intensity - but love grew and grew until one day I realised just how much I adored him and didn't want a life without him

@Hottub77 Thank you - I am surprised by the amount of answers that say I should meet him. I can see the benefits - selfishly I hope the biggest benefit is that closure for me to say thank you but no thank you. But hope and reality are two different things I know.

@HowToForget if you do decide to meet him, be honest with your current partner. He deserves honesty. Personally, if my partner was going to meet an ex under these circumstances that would be the end of the relationship for me.