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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to forget an ex?

51 replies

HowToForget · 02/05/2023 16:42

Hello all

Name changed for this, because frankly I'm embarrassed to be writing this but I don't know what to do anymore.

I am in a happy relationship, we've been together just over 18 months, barely ever argued, really compatible, I feel settled and content and happy.

Before this relationship I was single from 2017 to late 2021 when I met my current partner. I was single for that time because my ex partner had absolutely shattered my heart by breaking up with me (which felt out of the blue). I adored and loved him for years after the break up and learned to live with that love, learned to live with the fact I would never be over him and I think eventually just stopped thinking about it.

Fast forwards to around a month ago, and I got a text from a number I didn't recognise. Turns out it was my ex partner, and he'd sent a long heartfelt text apologising for the break up, explaining he was depressed and needed to sort himself out. He said he's been single since we broke up, and for the last 2 years has just been sorting himself out (he now has a high level job in the NHS, bought a house and is settled with his two dogs). He said he's never gone a day without thinking about me, he couldn't imagine ever loving somebody that wasn't me and he couldn't not reach out. He said he'd wanted to ring so many times but didn't know where I was at with my life - I blocked him on all social media from the second we broke up because I couldn't bare the idea of seeing him with a new woman, as pathetic as that is.

My problem is after the message, and him contacting me, he's right back in my head again. I fully resigned myself to a life of always loving him, thinking it's the same as 'never forgetting your first love' - though he was my third love. I've never loved somebody the way I loved him, it was intense and passionate. I don't feel that for my current partner, I feel a different kind of love - but decided love is different for everyone and it won't always be the heady passionate head over heels in love.

I don't know what to do or how to get my ex out of my head. I haven't replied, I haven't even acknowleged the message - he's sent a few since, one to apologise for contacting me after so long and another to say he understands if I never respond but if I ever did want to talk about everything it would be really good for him and me.

Has anyone ever been in this position before? I feel so guilty on my current partner to even be thinking about my ex, I've been crying most evenings because all the feelings and the heartbreak have come rushing back. I am happy in my relationship - but if I'm happy, why am I this upset about my ex all over again? I'd really appreciate some advice - but hopefully kind words / frame them kindly - I'm feeling really fragile with all of this, it's safe to say my head is a mess but I needed to get it all out. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this because I don't want to make it more 'real', but mumsnet has been with me through a lot.

Thank you in advance for any comments, any support or any experiences from anyone who's been in the same position. Ideally I'd like to forget my ex and carry on being happy with my current partner - but it seems my heart and head can't agree.

Thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 02/05/2023 20:37

I agree with @Shapemyeyebrows
Good luck OP.

momtoboys · 02/05/2023 20:42

I'm no good for advice on this topic. Despite having a kind and hard working husband and 5 children, I have thought of my ex multiple times a day for 25 years. Now that is something to be embarrassed about.

Original poster
HowToForget · 02/05/2023 20:56

@Shapemyeyebrows thank you - I would definitely be honest, something like meeting an ex isn't something I'd hide from him

OP posts:
Original poster
HowToForget · 02/05/2023 20:58

@momtoboys I don't think that's embarrassing, I think it's something that's quite common but not spoken about much perhaps. How do you feel about your ex / why do you think about them?

OP posts:
Crimsonripple · 02/05/2023 21:03

I really don't think going behind your partners back to meet up with your head fuck ex is the best idea. It's deceitful and cruel to someone who treats you well. Imagine how you would feel if he did that to you? I can't imagine very impressed.

Even with MH problems his reasons for breaking up with you are bullshit. Leaving you before you left him, oh come on! If you have mutual friends he would have known you've been single for a long time and could easily have gotten in touch with you before then. It doesn't take 5 years!

If he was anyone half decent he would be pleased you'd met someone decent and leave you the fuck alone!

TammyJones · 02/05/2023 21:04

@HowToForget

but love grew and grew until one day I realised just how much I adored him and didn't want a life without him
^^^^

You've answered your own question.
I can't imagine life without dh and he feels exactly the same - our loves deepens as the years go by.

Original poster
HowToForget · 02/05/2023 21:06

@Crimsonripple I wouldn't ever go behind my partners back to meet my ex, I've already commented if I were to meet up with him my partner would be fully aware - I'm also not looking to meet up with him, just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this position to see how they'd dealt with it

Thank you for your comment - completely see where you're coming from :)

OP posts:
Crimsonripple · 02/05/2023 21:09

Sorry if I came across harsh, it just makes me so mad that these men who cause heartache try and swan back into peoples lives and cause turmoil. It's for their own gain, not yours. I'm speaking from experience where I wish I had told an ex to fuck off and leave me alone.

You could just risk everything for someone who hasn't bothered to talk to you in 5 years and only pops up when 'he's ready'. It's all about him, not you.

TeamSleep · 02/05/2023 21:09

If your current relationship has any chance of being successful then you need full trust, you need to talk about this with your current partner and be honest. Maybe don’t say things like I’ll never love you the way I loved him! But say that you have received this message from your ex and he wants to talk and explain why he ended things and you think you need to hear that to get closure. Meet in a public place during the day.

Original poster
HowToForget · 02/05/2023 21:14

@Crimsonripple don't worry not harsh at all! If I was reading a similar thread I'd be thinking the same - just didn't think I'd be the one in this situation

I definitely don't want to risk what I have now. If it was an ideal world I'd skip back to before I ever received the message :)

OP posts:
Original poster
HowToForget · 02/05/2023 21:17

@TeamSleep thank you, I have been very honest with my current partner about my ex. Not to drip feed or justify, but my relationship before my ex was an abusive one with a partner that my current boyfriend knew (sorry if getting confusing). That ex committed suicide early into my relationship with my current partner and left a note that pretty much exposed everything he had done to me, and so my and my current partner had a very long very honest conversation about past relationships and how we may be affected by them.

My current partner knows the love I felt for this ex, and that I never felt I could get over him and never got closure. I think he would encourage me getting that closure, but he would absolutely worry - I think anyone would. But he'd trust that I'd be honest with him. I just don't know if I want to put him in that position to worry, and meet up with my ex.

OP posts:
TeamSleep · 02/05/2023 21:49

It’s such a tough one as I also agree with @Crimsonripple that if your ex really cared about you he would be pleased you'd met someone decent and he had many years when you were single to come back and explain himself. I’d be going into this very carefully if you’re going to meet him. Remember the pain he caused you and that he could very easily do the same again.

The hope is that you meet up with ex and realise how amazing your current partner is (he sounds great) and that you’re looking back at your ex with rose tinted specs. It seems like not meeting up with him to hear what he has to say you will always wonder. So you kind of owe it to yourself and you current partner to put that to rest so you can move on.

Ofcourseshecan · 02/05/2023 21:57

I wouldn’t meet him. He said he had to end it with me before I ended it with him and he lost me.

Sorry OP, that sounds like bullshit. But if it’s true, what is he telling you? He chose to hurt you to try and avoid being hurt himself.

You say your love was passionate, intense, full on - we used to say we were obsessed with each other and that's the best way to describe it. How long were you together? That sounds like youthful romance, not the sort of love that deepens and lasts - the sort you’ve already got with your current partner.

Londontoderby · 02/05/2023 22:28

Don’t contact him back. The head should always rule the heart really, humans let emotions ruin their lives sometimes.

Original poster
HowToForget · 03/05/2023 07:39

Thanks all for the comments - I feel a lot better even just writing it here and getting it out rather than having everything circling round my head like it has been.

I've decided to leave it for now, I still haven't replied to any of the messages so I'm going to work hard to put him back out of my mind and carry on as I was which was happy and grateful for my current relationship - the ex can stay a memory.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/05/2023 07:52

Is say you were totally ok before he messaged ?

and now that selfish fuck has opened up the old wounds again ! And stirred up feelings

id actually say meeting him is risky . And poses A major risk to the relationship you are in

put another way If you want to keep this relationship intact , don’t meet the ex

these obsessive loves really arnt very healthy - they make you anxious and ugh
if you got back you’d never feel safe , you’d always be nervous , any low mood would panic you

And maybe neither man is the one for you !

Original poster
HowToForget · 03/05/2023 09:21

@Thisisworsethananticpated I agree with you - I think if I met him, and the feelings were all still there and stronger I'd find myself in a worse situation. I've lived the last 5 years happily without him and I think it's easier to carry on as I am and carry on enjoying my current relationship rather than put myself in a place to be as hurt as I was back then.

I do feel glum, or maybe angry is better - angry that he's managed to get back into my head and make me sad. But I'm trying to look on the bright side - I pushed these feelings away once and was happy, I can do it again. Sod the what ifs :)

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/05/2023 09:38

Some people are not healthy for us (or themselves- his MH issues evidence this )

rather than missing him try and focus on that

he fucked you up then and he’s doing it again
it’s like a drug ! Gives you a high but actually very bad for you

id delete him
this will pass x

Original poster
HowToForget · 03/05/2023 09:40

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you - I've deleted the texts. I never had his number saved - surprised he still had mine after all these years to be honest!

I agree it's like a drug - but I got 'over' him before and I'll get past this too. Thanks for your comments! x

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/05/2023 10:53

matthew hussey and his brother did a very good video on this

it really helped as it lays it all out, the chemistry of such individuals and the highs and the lows

it shifts thinking from this ‘romeo juliet’ bullshit to realising its a chemical brain reaction

you wouldn’t take heroin would you ?
but this fellows the human version of that in some way

he’s not the love of your life , but your brain reacted jn a very unhealthy way to his ways
felt good - but really wasn’t

begone fucker !!

karrie92 · 08/02/2024 14:09

Hello, what was the update? Did you end up seeing him?

Letsbepractical · 08/02/2024 15:43

I realise it’s an old thread but I hope OP you didn’t meet him. I made a mistake of wanting to prove to myself that I was past my heartbreak that my ex had caused me 3 years ago, and recently said yes to his request to reinstate contact as friends. His texts became borderline flirty and full of hints how he’s changed and how well he’s doing. I was just starting to wonder what his true intensions were when he left me a cheerful message that he’s getting married but I was an important person in his life. I have never been so disappointed in myself in letting this man again into my life!
Never gaze in the rear mirror OP, always look ahead.

karrie92 · 08/02/2024 15:56

@Letsbepractical oh no! Sorry to hear that, that’s so awful.

Original poster
HowToForget · 08/02/2024 16:50

Hello! No, I never did meet up with him. He still attempts to contact me but I don't engage where possible. I decided best to leave the past in the past. I love my current partner so much and I cherish what we have too much to look backwards. I think it just took me some working out.

OP posts:
karrie92 · 08/02/2024 18:45

@HowToForget ahh thanks for the update, hope you’re doing ok

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