Guy I’m seeing has invited me to wedding abroad

[Flutterbye22]

Hello all,

I’ve recently started seeing a new guy, and he’s invited me to his friend’s wedding in Greece as his plus 1. I said yes, but I’m now starting to regret it. I was under the impression he would be covering quite a bit of it, but he’s now expecting me to go 50/50 on everything. It’s in a couple of weeks time, so not much notice at all! Im feeling stressed about it all and regretting saying yes.

For reference, I’ve paid £350 for my own flights, bought an outfit, paying for airport hotel for us both, paid £50 for an excursion and he’s now asking for half of the cost of the hire car (which I could do without tbh!!) I’m really happy just chilling at the Airbnb and getting a taxi here and there 😬

he had originally asked for 50/50 on Airbnb too but I explained I can’t afford it right now.

I usually have to plan in advance for holidays.

thoughts?? I’m not sure whether to go anymore but it’s all paid for - we’ve had a bit of an argument about it all.

I know right, I raised my daughter to be an equal. To pay her way. In this context to “pursue and woo” just means accept im grabby , tight and want to be paid for .

i find it nauseating in this day and age women still do this. This one has been dating him since feb and she’s still not paying her share of dates.

old fashioned and being pursued my arse.

hopefully one day I’ll meet someone who is better suited and isn’t so expectant that I pay for things so early on

🤯🤯🤯

Bet you want equality in every other aspect though.

Lol, you’re really rude!

I am not grabby or tight at all. I have other financial commitments currently and the sensible thing to do is to pay off my debt. That doesn’t make me grabby or tight, that makes me responsible.

not everything can always be 50-50 and that’s absolutely ok. We live in an unequal society. It’s not like I’ve sought out some kind of sugar daddy or something so do grow up!

But he would have had to paid for the room to see HIS friends anyway?!!

I think expenses in a relationship should be organic - sometimes one pays for something, then the other does/pays foe something for the other. The OP is in no way freeloading here, nor asking for him to pay for everything - it’s his attitude that sucks - he’s keeping a mental tally of what he’s spending, hence the comment about past dates. She’s TOLD him she is dealing with a debt so can’t afford fancy nights out and he OFFERED. She’s not demanding he pays for these things. He invited her as his guest ffs - and then changed the parameters. OP ignore the ones on here bashing you for your chivalry comments - if we were in a 100% equal society with men, especially financially and we had been forever, I may think differently, but we are not. Tight men at the outset will not be brilliant to be with long term, especially if you have kids with them!!

Exactly! He messaged me this morning to say he’s still going.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost £350 on flights and I’m sending dress and shoes back for a refund.

This. 💯 ♥️

Also, do you people bashing me forget that it is women who have to carry children to term?

As @Nolosomi mentioned - we do not live in an equal society. Women are still very disadvantaged- it will be me who has to take time out for maternity leave and have my career affected. Men don’t absorb that same impact. This is why the gender pay gap still exists.

also I can contribute in other ways, it’s not always about money, and if he simply views me as an expense at this stage, then I really don’t want to be with him. Makes me feel uncomfortable.

Are you also quite traditional about the wife's role being to stay at home cooking and cleaning while the husband goes out to bring home the bacon then go down the pub? Are you also quite traditional about obeying your husband because he's the head of the household?

If you are then you do you I guess, could never be me though.

If not you're overdue a realisation that if you look for a "traditional" man who does all the "traditional" gender crap like paying for all your dates, you'll probably get one with "traditional" views that come back to bite you further down the line.

If you go into a relationship as an equal from the start, you'll find someone who sees you as an equal in the long run.

Nature doesn't mean a man has to pay more than his fair share, especially in the early days of dating.

There's no argument in saying someone should pay more because at some point you might, possibly carry their baby.

Well you won't be carrying his children will you? He subsidised all those dates and got dumped after four months.

Getting dumped after four months is the risk you take when you start seeing someone new but it's also the reason that it's absurd to expect one party to shell out more than the other in those early stages. I'd never shell out that much for someone I barely knew so why would I expect men to?

Well done OP. You sound very reasonable and responsible to me, and you've dealt politely with some posters who were unnecessarily rude.
I'm better-off than my boyfriend so I pay for more things. I know how carefully he budgets and I'm impressed by his financial responsibility. He treats me all the time, but within his budget. If I want to do something and I know he'd have gone for a cheaper option, I don't expect him to pay for my having more expensive tastes than him. That doesn't mean he's freeloading. I'd rather have his company than do these things on my own or not do them. Attitudes to money can be a major problem in relationships so it's important to find out early on if your attitudes are not a good fit.

Hopefully you might be able to get some credit for the flight if you booked direct with the airline. If not - think of the overall experience so far as a workshop in relationships. I'm sure people have paid more for less!

Jeez, some of you guys truly love bashing and judging me don’t you 😫 Hope you all sleep well at night in your ivory towers!

It seems you’ve built an image of me as a freeloader! For our first date, he took me to Gaucho and we went axe throwing (I know) and played pool. I really enjoyed the pool. The meal was lovely, but for me, it’s the company that matters more! He did cover this and I was thankful. I bought him an expensive glass of rum to congratulate him on his new job! I have met for a coffee a couple of times and gone halves, I’ve also bought us tickets to a castle and I’ve bought him gifts, and baked cakes for him and his family. I agreed to go to Greece with him for his good friends wedding, and paid for my own flights and I was covering a hotel at Gatwick for us as a thank you to him for all he’d done for me/us so far.

i.am.not.a.freeloader.

I am a single woman in her early 30s trying to clear some debt and save up for a deposit for either my own place (or better yet, a place with a partner in order to start a family). I would love for it to be more 50-50 right now but I need to clear my credit card.

The end 👌🏽

@Flutterbye22 op there’s nothing wrong with expecting chivalry. I would even go as far to say you’ve done too much ( gifts/ baking). I’m 38 and was dating at your age (married 6 years). I used The Rules book. People snigger at it and some of it is a bit strict but the actual bones of it are dead on. When I was dating my husband and tempted to buy him something. I stopped myself and bought something nice for me instead to wear on our next date. Invest in yourself. Never a man in early dating ( plenty of time to spoil him when you’re married). Think ‘sexy indifference’. No chasing or being too available. If you read the rules you might find it helps you find someone better than this creature that needs chucking back.
Off to done my hard hat 😂

Don

If I understand right he invited you to expensive dates, then threw that in your face.

He then invited you to accompany him to a friend's wedding abroad, you agreed to pay for your own ticket but then after the fact he came at you with other costs?

This is my worst nightmare tbh, I really hate when a guy (or even a friend) invites you or treats you to something extravagant. I always insist on paying my own way because the cynical part of me doesn't trust them!

Glad you're not going.

@Flutterbye22

Meanwhile, I’ve lost £350 on flights and I’m sending dress and shoes back for a refund.

Good you can get a refund on the dress/shoes. Is there any chance of seeing if you can just change the dates for the flights, maybe for a small admin fee, so you can go to Greece at a later date? Shame to lose so much if a date change is allowed? 🌹

Change the flights and have a break later on

This sounds great! I like your attitude. Invest in yourself first, you’re right. We’re not even married yet!

also - is that an actual book?! 😀

That’s exaaaactly how I feel.

in future though, so do I just refuse to let men treat me?! Because my fear is they’ll just throw it in my face / use it as a weapon and I really don’t like that.

maybe I’ll take a leaf out of @Kickingupmerrybehaviour (great username btw and somehow very apt!) book and be a bit stricter with rules and boundaries!

Have decided to do just this and take myself away somewhere else on my own - remember, part of the trip covered my birthday, so now I currently have no birthday plans.

wouldn’t mind sitting by the pool by myself and reading a book.

If he’s now charging you for things he had initially said he would pay, can’t you say “sorry I can’t come anymore. I thought I could when you had offered to pay xyz, but now that I have to pay that I can’t afford it sorry”

Have decided to do just this and take myself away somewhere else on my own - remember, part of the trip covered my birthday, so now I currently have no birthday plans.

wouldn’t mind sitting by the pool by myself and reading a book.

Excellent! 🌹

@Kickingupmerrybehaviour

is it this book?
The Rules Handbook: A Guide to Creating Loving and Lasting Relationships https://amzn.eu/d/h8Q3xXe

says not being released until September this year, wondering if there’s an older version

I think it’s more than fair that you pay for your half, especially since it’s early days.

If it was the other way around and it was your friend getting married abroad, would you cover all of his costs to join you?

I have been called ‘too independent’ for insisting I pay my own way, but I have also had “I paid for x y z” lorded over me by a guy I dated. I’d much rather be called too independent!