Guy I’m seeing has invited me to wedding abroad

[Flutterbye22]

Hello all,

I’ve recently started seeing a new guy, and he’s invited me to his friend’s wedding in Greece as his plus 1. I said yes, but I’m now starting to regret it. I was under the impression he would be covering quite a bit of it, but he’s now expecting me to go 50/50 on everything. It’s in a couple of weeks time, so not much notice at all! Im feeling stressed about it all and regretting saying yes.

For reference, I’ve paid £350 for my own flights, bought an outfit, paying for airport hotel for us both, paid £50 for an excursion and he’s now asking for half of the cost of the hire car (which I could do without tbh!!) I’m really happy just chilling at the Airbnb and getting a taxi here and there 😬

he had originally asked for 50/50 on Airbnb too but I explained I can’t afford it right now.

I usually have to plan in advance for holidays.

thoughts?? I’m not sure whether to go anymore but it’s all paid for - we’ve had a bit of an argument about it all.

Yikes not good! I think if you're arguing about anything this early on especially money, it's doomed.

I had my first holiday with D only 6 weeks in, was only a long weekend in the UK but for me it was really a test of whether we would get on. If we had argued over money or what to do whilst there, it would be over.

Since you've paid, make it clear you're on a budget and can't afford the hire car or activities he wants to do. If he's gracious and understanding about it, go, have a nice time with a view to ending things once back. If he is being sulky or difficult, refuse to go and try to get refunds or flight changes where you can. Then never speak to him again.

Money lost won't be as miserable (or unsafe) as spending a few days with a guy who makes you feel uncomfortable.

I think I wouldn’t have an issue paying for my flight and also holiday-like things that I would enjoy like the excursions or whatever. But I would expect him to cover the hotel, rental car etc - after all he did invite you as a guest to HIS friend’s wedding, it’s not really a joint holiday for most part is it.
It is a bit of an unattractive quality to demand every penny from you and a bit of a weird dynamics early in the relationship. I would probably cut my losses and get a refund if you can.

Ah thank you - I agree. He was very tight indeed, and he was making me feel bad for spending money on me!

No. Just say you can’t get the time off work. This same thing happened to a friend and he dumped her not long after the wedding.
Men who start asking you to pay early on in dating aren’t serious about you. Bottom line. They’re not trying to impress you. They’re not in love or even romantically inclined. You’re just a placeholder girlfriend.

Can’t believe these responses. If the genders were reversed there would be outrage that a man expected a woman to pay for him.

he’s paid for all,your dates. It’s fair you pay 50/50 when away, and quite frankly start paying your share of dates. Good lord.

It’s nothing to do with gender, He invited her as his plus one. He would have to stay in a hotel room and hire a car anyway. Everyone is agreed she should pay her own flight and contribute to meals.

Just the same if as a young women you invite your bf to your parents home or to holiday with your friends. You as the woman provide the accommodation and the bf gets himself there and back at his own expense.

And anyway, op’s bf said one thing at the beginning and then changed tack, which is sneaky and underhand.

@Backtothegym it’s a valid dating choice to expect the man to pay. I always did. Heterosexual dating is biological. Men pursue, try to woo and impress. If they’re not doing that, it’s over, they don’t like you.

“and quite frankly start paying your share of dates.”

If you read all the posts, op said to the guy that she was paying off debt and couldn’t afford lavish dates, and he offered! Presumably if he’d said “sure, me too, walk in the park and split a pizza?” then she would have gone 50/50

“Placeholder girlfriend” that term sums it up perfectly!

I agree with this. I’m quite traditional and think men should pursue! It’s the chivalrous thing to do!

I wasn’t even looking for a bf or to date anyone when he asked me out to be honest. My main priority right now is to clear my debt. It feels weird for me to go to restaurants and do expensive things when I’m trying to be debt free. He was understanding of the situation.

I am more than happy to go for picnics, walks, hikes etc. I also bought us tickets to go to a castle one weekend and I drove us, so I’m not completely free loading here

Yes its far too soon for things like that tbh. He's trying to get you to pay for his holiday and also show you off to his family so he's not single.

I agree - he also highlighted how he also paid for all of our dates 🤢 clearly just sees me as an expense!!!

To be fair, that's how I'd see you too.

He knows you're on a similar salary to him but he seems to be paying out a lot more than you.

I get you've got debt but you just need to say no to things you can't afford.

We spoke on the phone last night and we’ve agreed to no longer go to Greece together. He got really upset about it all and started offloading on to me about some of his personal family things going on and how he felt he couldn’t provide for me / didn’t want to waste my time.

just sent me complete mixed signals and it all feels totally off.

I feel relieved that I’m no longer going to greeece with him for this wedding because I think it would’ve just been totally awkward.

going to focus on myself now and hopefully one day I’ll meet someone who is better suited and isn’t so expectant that I pay for things so early on

I’m pleased to read your update OP, about deciding not to go to Greece.

I would do exactly the same, even if it meant losing flight/hotel money. You would have started to dread going (instead of looking forward to it), and probably have had a shit time, with a load of people you don’t know, and end up spending a whole lot more money!

Also, don’t beat yourself up about making the wrong decision in the first place - we’ve all done similar. The main thing is that you’re relieved to not be going, as I would be too.

Just say to him that when you met him, you told him you're in debt and this is costing you several hundred pounds when you don't even know the bride and groom. I would say that I'm pulling out and ending the relationship.

Good update op! Hope things go well for you from now on.

Completely agree with you.

I watch first dates UK and can't believe the amount of women that expect the men to pay. Sometimes they offer to go halves and get quite offended when the man agrees.

The Irish first dates is quite a different dynamic where the majority of the time the women offer to go halves in paying the bill and are quite insistent on doing so.

I would have expected to pay for my flights, outfit, half of everything while out there and he would have paid half for the hotel the night before flying out. If there were excursions that I couldn't afford to go halves on, I would just say that and not go on the excursion.

In relation to the car hire, perhaps the wedding is in a location where a car is required. I went to a wedding last year and it would have been impossible to get around without car hire. Taxis were impossible to get.

The problem here was that there were too many assumptions made on OP's part before discussing what was expected.

In relation to focusing on yourself, it sounds like you already do that anyway. Personally I think he should think himself lucky.

Harsh I think, and we’re ok to disagree. I am meant to be HIS guest/+1. It was my mistake saying yes in the first place. He was aware of my debt and I think he should’ve been a bit more accommodating of this, e.g. thinking about how to keep costs down.

Whilst we are on same salary, we aren’t in the same boat.

hopefully in a couple of months time I’ll be debt free, a lot less stressed, and a bit more able to go halves on things. You gotta live within your means, and in the end, I felt I was being dragged along on a trip that was adding and adding up.

Can't fathom why you ever said yes. It's obvious he had been thinking of a way to cheapen his holiday from the first date. Sorry op. Don't be surprised if you're ignored out there and dumped by the time you get back.

Sorry. Missed your update. You've avoided a huge ball ache. But a lesson learned, paying of debt is a much better idea!

Def agree. Didn’t want to go out there and for it to be awkward.

however in his defence, I don’t think I was subsidising a holiday for him. He said to me that if I was not going, he would’ve just booked a cheap hotel and stayed for 1-2 nights.

I do think he liked me. I think he was using his friend’s wedding as an opportunity for us to have a break together and celebrate my bday out there (which I think is nice). Cynical side of me does wonder whether he jumped on the idea of me being his +1 though so he didn’t have to attend solo. He said he doesn’t know anyone at the wedding, just the bride and groom (from uni!)

it’s a big ask for me to go away to a wedding abroad where I know no one so soon in. I’ve learnt that now. I just wish he was more appreciative of me and how much I was forking out for a trip I’d never planned.

back ti the drawing board x

This guy has had a lucky escape. The same as I am raising my boys to fully pull their weight in the house, I also hope they will have no time for free loading girlfriends - not so much the holidays as the attitude to dates!

Well done OP for grasping the nettle! Another day another learning experience 😄

Omg. This. You are already annoyed. Imagine being this annoyed surrounded by strangers whilst he's mingling and you're too hot and bored!