Would having a baby make up for being in an unhappy relationship?

[Abbi634]

I am unhappy in my marriage. I have lost quite a bit of love and respect for my husband, due to several things he's done and said.

Does having a baby ever make up for an unhappy relationship? Does the love and companionship of a child make it worth staying? I often imagine the cute smiles and cuddles.

Has anyone been in this position, had a baby, and then been glad they've stayed?

I am 36, and I've always thought I've wanted children. I've been putting it off due to my hesitation about the relationship.

But if I leave, I know it's less likely I will have a child - there's no guarantee I will meet someone else.

Bringing a baby with all of the stresses that that causes is the absolute worst thing to do in a bad relationship.

Having a baby puts the healthiest relationships under stress.

And there is a lot more to having a baby than smiles and cuddles.

I would say categorically no.leave and find someone else.

God no, it will make it 100x worse. The choice of father for your baby is the most important one you’re ever likely to make (and I speak as someone who chose badly). Get out while you can.

Don’t do it. You will be tied to your husband (even if you divorce) for 18 years.

Speaking from experience, big fat no

If your marriage is already bad, having a baby will 1) give it the final death blow, and quite possibly make it start to feel like a toxic trap 2) make it much, much harder for you to get out. Plus co-parenting a child with someone you have a bad relationship with is, at best, deeply frustrating and occasionally heartbreaking.

You'd do better to split and have a baby as a single parent with donor sperm, if you really want a baby.

No.

If you don’t rate your husband, why do you think you should saddle a baby with him for a father?

That’s cruel and selfish.

Oh god no. Just a way to trap yourself even further.

No, no, no. If you have a baby with him you will have to share it 50:50. Imagine that.
Sort your divorce out, then take the next step.

Definitely no. Before we had children we were very stable and happy. But since having them it has put a huge strain on our relationship. We don't get much time to spend alone together anymore, constantly tired, can be very short with each other out of frustration. Having children is a huge deal, and will link you to this person for life. If you're not happy and can't see yourself ever being happy in this relationship, then having kids will definitely not fix it.

A baby is incredibly tough on a good relationship. It’s such a strain. What if you split up? And then your child prefers his dad and wants to live with him instead?

And how do you think this hypothetical son or daughter would feel about being brought into such a miserable existence?

Absolutely not. This is the worst thing you could possibly do.

A baby puts vast stress on even the happiest and most compatible of couples. If your relationship is bad it’s virtually guaranteed to get much worse with a baby. You’re then effectively bringing an innocent child into a bad family situation and hugely disadvantaging that child while simultaneously limiting your own freedom.

If you really want a child, leave and have one on your own. Please don’t bring a child into this.

Well said!

No, don't do it. Becoming parents means you become much more reliant on each other- or more resentful for your partner's lack of involvement.

Having a baby is like a 24/7 job. For years, you will never be able to do anything without considering your child's needs - early on that means all the time they are awake. It's very hard work as well as rewarding. You need to be in synch with your partner, not resenting them.

A baby is an actual human being with needs of their own, not your own personal comfort blanket!

Another vote for leave and have a baby alone.

A baby will NOT make things better in the relationship. It just won't. It will make things a lot more complicated. But if having a baby will make you happy and it's what you want then it could be something to aim for and an impetus to leave a failing relationship behind. Could you have a baby alone? If not, you need to be meeting someone sooner rather than later.

If you do decide to have a child in this relationship then please go into it with your eyes open. Don't give up work or expect it to change your relationship for the better.

Absolutely not. It will exacerbate every problem in your relationship and make it much more intolerable.
If you have a child you will eventually end up a single parent. No judgement if this is your last chance to have a child. But don't expect it to improve anything - it breaks some of the strongest bonds.

Leave and have a child by donor.

I have 2 friends who did this and their lives really have been completed by their children. They are being careful not to put too much pressure on the kids though.

It's not ideal but it's easier to navigate your way through that than to saddle them with a rubbish dad who also makes your life a misery.

As a single parent with an absolute shit ex and crap father of Dd DO NOT DO IT. The guilt you’ll feel is not worth it. Have a baby on your own if you want one but don’t tie yourself to a knob for life. Not worth it.

No

No

No

No no no