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Original poster

Would having a baby make up for being in an unhappy relationship?

135 replies

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 08:18

I am unhappy in my marriage. I have lost quite a bit of love and respect for my husband, due to several things he's done and said.

Does having a baby ever make up for an unhappy relationship? Does the love and companionship of a child make it worth staying? I often imagine the cute smiles and cuddles.

Has anyone been in this position, had a baby, and then been glad they've stayed?

I am 36, and I've always thought I've wanted children. I've been putting it off due to my hesitation about the relationship.

But if I leave, I know it's less likely I will have a child - there's no guarantee I will meet someone else.

OP posts:
Toebrushtoe · 29/04/2023 09:20

A 'band aid' does not work.

Skybluepinky · 29/04/2023 09:22

Of course it doesn’t, run for the hills and find someone who makes u happy.

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 29/04/2023 09:28

Do you really need to ask this question? That is worrying in itself 😬😲

Original poster
Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 09:28

Thanks to those who have offered advice.

Some people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that I'd be bringing the child into a destructive, toxic environment. Several people are saying I'm being selfish. I said I was unhappy in the relationship. There are problems.

But it's not all bad - we have good companionship - and my husband absolutely loves kids, and would have a lot of love for a child. He dotes on his nieces and nephews.

OP posts:
MrsCharlesFrere · 29/04/2023 09:29

NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO

Having a baby is exhausting and stressful. You need to support each other and work as a team, understand how to make your new family work and adjust your lives to make sure you're all happy as a unit. Mostly, the baby will come before everything else and there will be conflicts between everyone's needs.

None of this is easy in the strongest relationship. If you're starting in a rocky relationship then all your problems will just be magnified.

Speaking from experience.

whoamI00 · 29/04/2023 09:33

No, you'd be surprised to find out how emotionally sensitive babies are. They'll sense every single tension between you and your DH and feel uneasy about that, which will affect the baby and of course your emotional well-being.

Malarandras · 29/04/2023 09:36

Been there and having a baby does not make it better. Having a baby makes it worse as others have said.

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 09:36

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 09:28

Thanks to those who have offered advice.

Some people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that I'd be bringing the child into a destructive, toxic environment. Several people are saying I'm being selfish. I said I was unhappy in the relationship. There are problems.

But it's not all bad - we have good companionship - and my husband absolutely loves kids, and would have a lot of love for a child. He dotes on his nieces and nephews.

Yeah, all of that not-awful you have right now? A baby would blow it up like a hand grenade. It'll make you hate the very sight of him. It'll make him speak to you like you're shit on his shoe.

If the marriage doesn't work: end it. Then thinking about whether you're in a position to have a baby. Don't do this cowardly, selfish, shitty thing.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/04/2023 09:36

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 09:28

Thanks to those who have offered advice.

Some people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that I'd be bringing the child into a destructive, toxic environment. Several people are saying I'm being selfish. I said I was unhappy in the relationship. There are problems.

But it's not all bad - we have good companionship - and my husband absolutely loves kids, and would have a lot of love for a child. He dotes on his nieces and nephews.

You’re missing the point. If you’re unhappy in the relationship now you will be a million times more unhappy with a child.

It doesn’t matter what flavour of unhappiness it is or whether you classify it as “toxic”. It’s irrelevant if your DH “dotes on” someone else’s kids who he isn’t directly involved with raising.

This is about your relationship with him and the support you can count on during what will probably be the toughest and most intense period of your life. It needs to be very strong to withstand the pressure of a child, and it clearly isn’t.

If your priority is to have a child, do it on your own. Raising a child solo is tough but a million times easier than doing it in a bad relationship. Trust me.

regenerista · 29/04/2023 09:37

Absolutely not. It will just bring added stress, resentment etc to your life.

ChocChipHandbag · 29/04/2023 09:38

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 09:28

Thanks to those who have offered advice.

Some people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that I'd be bringing the child into a destructive, toxic environment. Several people are saying I'm being selfish. I said I was unhappy in the relationship. There are problems.

But it's not all bad - we have good companionship - and my husband absolutely loves kids, and would have a lot of love for a child. He dotes on his nieces and nephews.

You've lost not only love but respect for him, that's what you said.

Not sure how it's in any way healthy to bring a child into a relationship in which the parents do not respect one another.

You'll just end up in 5 years as one of those "He's a great Dad but..." posters. Spoiler alert- they usually turn out after a bit of probing but to be great Dads at all, just men who can put on a good show.

NoraLuka · 29/04/2023 09:40

No no no! Even if your DH would be a good dad you’d have to stay in contact with him for at least the next 18 years.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/04/2023 09:41

@ChocChipHandbag

You'll just end up in 5 years as one of those "He's a great Dad but..." posters.

This. Such a giveaway when a poster says “he’s a great dad, but…”

It invariably means he’s a shit dad and a shit husband who is very good at pretending to be a good dad for a couple of hours every weekend

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 29/04/2023 09:41

It would take a special sort of selfish idiot to have a vhildbwith someone in a relationship they don't even want.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/04/2023 09:42

Please don't do this if you're in an unhappy marriage. It will be a disaster. It would be a terrible thing to inflict on a child. Maybe it's time to consider leaving?

Notsurenotquiteright · 29/04/2023 09:45

Depends how bad you want a baby, at 36 I could felt I could hear my clock ticking and would have done anything to have a baby.

i would ask yourself if you had a baby with him would you be able manage solo if relationship broke down?
do you think he would be a good dad?
does he want a baby?

at 36 if I could answer yes to those I think I’d Pursue having a child over leaving and starting again.

a baby really will make the cracks in your relationships in to massive crevices so you need to be willing and able to go solo if needed

Goldbar · 29/04/2023 09:45

No.

It would kill any remaining love or affection you have for your husband while simultaneously making you more practically and financially dependent on him.

The things that annoy you right now and any unwillingness to share the load on his part will be magnified 100 times after a baby.

That also tends to be when many men become outright abusive - when you're pregnant/new baby and "trapped", as they see it.

1983Louise · 29/04/2023 09:46

Are you mad 🙈

HaggisBurger · 29/04/2023 09:48

An “Elastoplast” baby is the worst thing you can do for yourself and more importantly the child.

Leave and have a baby on your own or with a new partner.

KinderCat · 29/04/2023 09:51

Whilst a child can be what you are missing in some instances, it will absolutely make a unhappy relationship worse. DH best friend was in a bad relationship and got pregnant by accident. Both believed it would be the bandaid to fix it.....

Now are separated and can't stand each other.

Sleepless nights, mess, general recovery after birth, stress of TTC and of being pregnant and the shuffling or household roles after rarely makes things better. Not to mention you are tied to a man you don't work with and he will get a say in raising DC.

Don't do it OP is my advice.

PaintedEgg · 29/04/2023 09:59

Point is that you are unhappy and the relationship that is unhappy now will turn into an absolute circus when a stress associated with having a newborn will come into the mix. At best your companionship will turn into semi-functioning co-parenting agreement

roarfeckingroarr · 29/04/2023 10:01

I had my two and now I'm leaving with them and going to have a co parenting friendship with their father. It's perfect for me. I'm 35 and now I have my kids and can be open to finding love.

Don't miss out on having children if you want them.

BSB30 · 29/04/2023 10:04

I used to think like this. I was so unhappy that I thought having a child would bring some happiness and magically fix everything.

It didn't....it made life more stressful and we eventually divorced. I feel bad that I put my children through all that

gannett · 29/04/2023 10:05

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 09:28

Thanks to those who have offered advice.

Some people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that I'd be bringing the child into a destructive, toxic environment. Several people are saying I'm being selfish. I said I was unhappy in the relationship. There are problems.

But it's not all bad - we have good companionship - and my husband absolutely loves kids, and would have a lot of love for a child. He dotes on his nieces and nephews.

It's like a reverse drip-feed. "Oh no the awful relationship I outlined in my first post isn't so awful after all, is it OK to have a baby now?"

Still no! This is the most unanimous I have ever seen an MN thread.

(The OP is going to have a baby anyway, isn't she.)

gotmychristmasmiracle · 29/04/2023 10:06

No way, move on quick 🙂