Would having a baby make up for being in an unhappy relationship?

[Abbi634]

I am unhappy in my marriage. I have lost quite a bit of love and respect for my husband, due to several things he's done and said.

Does having a baby ever make up for an unhappy relationship? Does the love and companionship of a child make it worth staying? I often imagine the cute smiles and cuddles.

Has anyone been in this position, had a baby, and then been glad they've stayed?

I am 36, and I've always thought I've wanted children. I've been putting it off due to my hesitation about the relationship.

But if I leave, I know it's less likely I will have a child - there's no guarantee I will meet someone else.

A baby is not a fix-it tool. Bringing a child into a relationship that is on life support is just adding another party to an unhappy environment.

The fact that you do not love each other does not mean that you both would not love the child, but a child or children cannot salvage a broken relationship. Just read the countless sad experience that so many parents with children have when trying to navigate all of the issues post separation or divorce.

Think seriously before embarking on that journey; it won't be just your life in play.

Incredibly selfish reason, poor baby. And I read somewhere here, having a baby is like detonating a bomb in the middle of your relationship, which I agree with so no it's not likely to help. It will probably destroy it.

Absolutely not. Don't do it.

I was planning on breaking up with my DD's dad after I found out he cheated, but then found out I was pregnant so I stayed with him, we got a house. I was young and stupid (22) and was determined not to let my daughter be born into a broken family.

It was a shit time. He cheated at least 3 other times I know of in the 7 months we lived together. He was horrible, we were so snappy with each other when DD was born because of lack of sleep, he spent a lot of the time out drinking, I fell out of love with him and ended up with bad postnatal depression.

It's worked out well in the end as we are somehow able to co-parent effectively and my daughter is my little ray of sunshine and I couldn't be without her now, but doing it with him was hard and all of the problems before DD was born were still there when she was here, amplified even.

If you want a baby, leave and do it yourself. Don't miss out on having a child but PLEASE don't do it in an unstable relationship. Bad idea for all involved.

not knowing who your father is and knowing he was a sperm donor can cause major issues for children too. Personally I believe every child deserve to know who their biological parents are whether they have contact or not.

No do t do this. Leave your marriage.

I am as happy as can be expected and the strain of having children makes our relationship so much harder. If we didn't love each other very much it would be impossible.

Of course it doesn't! Poor baby!

Leave your husband and you still have time to meet someone. My DSis met her DP age 39 and had a baby in her early 40’s. A baby and a bad relationship is not a good mix.

Many on this thread have said my thinking is selfish. There are many women - since time began - who have been in unhappy relationships, and who have had children..... Do you think they're all selfish?

It's 2023 not 1723. Women can now provide for themselves, and get a mortgage, and use contraception to manage their fertility. You are not in the vulnerable position of most women "since time began". You can pick a good father and family unit for your children, and you should. Raise your standards, if not for you, then for the sake of those future children.

OP you’ve had an absolutely overwhelming majority on this thread saying don’t do it, and a couple saying vague versions of what you wanted to hear. It would be sensible to pay more attention to the majority otherwise why even start the thread?
And yes I would agreee that any woman having a child in a bad relationship is selfish. Fair enough to decide to trap yourself with a bad partner, but not to bring an innocent child into the mix

OP would you care to say a bit about what he has said and done that's caused pain for you in the relationship? I think this might give some proportionality. If it's abuse, cheating, addiction or other very hard to live with behaviours then I would feel differently to if you rub along mostly but he's been a bit selfish re work or hobbies, for instance.

I think the original post is a bit different to subsequent posts (not saying deliberately).

If you mean 'would having a child make the relationship better' then no, probably not.

If what you're asking is 'I'm 36 and want babies. My relationship is flawed but not abusive and my husband is willing to have kids. Is it better to try and make the best of the position I'm in or start afresh and risk not meeting anyone/ go it alone?' then that's a different question. This is what very much depends quite a bit on his behaviour in my view. Zero judgement from me. I understand all viewpoints but sounds like you've had quite a hard time in this relationship and are now reaching a point when you have to make a decision if you want children. I would say, if you decide to have a baby then don't have a fixed mindset of staying with this man. I don't want to hear it from others about being selfish and using a poor innocent man for his sperm. Plenty of relationships break down with kids involved. The outcome is the same whether that was previously considered or not.

The things to consider are 1) as I say, his behaviour and is it worth having a link to him if he has caused you ongoing upset 2) does he want kids 3) how would you coparent if you split 4) what would be the threshold to you splitting and 5) are you in a position to be a single mum.

The reason I take this stance is that I'm your age and searched long and hard for a suitable man I didn't see myself having problems with. Past history is a long story. It was tough, especially for the last couple of years of dating thinking I would meet nobody. We are now nearly a year in and my concerns are about when to start trying to conceive in a new relationship without putting pressure on. It really depends on your priorities. Children are not guaranteed not to happen outwith this relationship but it could be a long slog to get a divorce all sorted and meet the right man. If his behaviour is really affecting you then you may want to put your mental health first by considering how he will be as a coparent.

Think realistically though about your choices, not about baby cuddles making up for upsetting behaviour and sticking together regardless because this would affect the children.

Sperm donation is always recommended but not possible for everyone so I'm not going to go into that.