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Original poster

Would having a baby make up for being in an unhappy relationship?

135 replies

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 08:18

I am unhappy in my marriage. I have lost quite a bit of love and respect for my husband, due to several things he's done and said.

Does having a baby ever make up for an unhappy relationship? Does the love and companionship of a child make it worth staying? I often imagine the cute smiles and cuddles.

Has anyone been in this position, had a baby, and then been glad they've stayed?

I am 36, and I've always thought I've wanted children. I've been putting it off due to my hesitation about the relationship.

But if I leave, I know it's less likely I will have a child - there's no guarantee I will meet someone else.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 29/04/2023 10:08

gannett · 29/04/2023 10:05

It's like a reverse drip-feed. "Oh no the awful relationship I outlined in my first post isn't so awful after all, is it OK to have a baby now?"

Still no! This is the most unanimous I have ever seen an MN thread.

(The OP is going to have a baby anyway, isn't she.)

Show quote history

of course she is, then she will post a sob story about her partner distancing himself and not being supportive and drip-feed info that their relationship actually sucked before they decided (or she did as its more likely) to have a baby and turn what could have been a semi-civil split into a warzone

Tafaa · 29/04/2023 10:10

Oh my god no PLEASE do not do this

SorePaw · 29/04/2023 10:11

No no no no no.

NO

i know that 36 y 'feels' too old to 'start again' but it's not!

stop clinging on to this relationship!

pull up your big girl pants & LEAVE.

enjoy being single for a bit, be spontaneous, enjoy being young (you are, even if you don't feel it) hang out with friends... then you'll meet someone who will make you wonder why you didn't get out sooner!!

please listen, you're NOT too old to meet a good man & make babies. But if you fuck around clinging onto this relationship & god forbid have a baby with him this'll be your miserable life for a long time or the hard road of solo parenting/co parenting with a twat!

go, be free...open your life up to better things

lovemycottage · 29/04/2023 10:12

Of course not.
Bringing baby to the dysfunctional relationship gonna make things even worse and more difficult.

Don't go for band aid baby, it never works.

LighterNights · 29/04/2023 10:13

My marriage is on the skids right now, we are separating and I'm devastated. The only good thing in my life is my dc, they are young adults now and they still live with me, they are my rocks and my world. Not one regret about having them.

Whether I'd have them into a shitty marriage, probably at 36.

nakeklak · 29/04/2023 10:14

No no no no no no no no never ever ever EVER

LighterNights · 29/04/2023 10:15

Probably don't listen to me though. I haven't slept for 3 nights and my mind is a mush of menopause and pain.

Squamata · 29/04/2023 10:18

The cuddles and the smiles are adorable. They're the bits that make it onto telly and social media etc. But those bits probably make up ten minutes out of 24 hours that contains a lot of wiping, scrubbing, soothing, being screamed at, doing laundry, planning dull stuff, etc etc. It can be immensely stressful, financially draining and isolating.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a baby but having one in a relationship you know is bad will explode your life and not do the baby any favours. Maybe you just want a loving adult relationship, if your husband isn't providing this?

You don't want to be with your husband so move out. Stand on your own two feet. Then decide if you want to have a baby either alone or with someone else.

Runningslow · 29/04/2023 10:18

Tbh, I probably would do it if I was 36, as I really wanted kids. However, I would also make sure that I was able to support myself and child financially if I did end up splitting up.

Quitelikeacatslife · 29/04/2023 10:22

OP, every poster has said no no no no no , but you are like "oh but guys he's not so bad" you asked for advice , listen.
Don't do it but do make plans to leave, you do have time to have baby on your own or meet someone you truly love

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 29/04/2023 10:23

Babies shouldn't be born with a job. Put yourself in the child's shoes for just a minute and you'll have your answer.

Lottapianos · 29/04/2023 10:24

'You don't want to be with your husband so move out. Stand on your own two feet. Then decide if you want to have a baby either alone or with someone else.'

Very smart advice. Don't leave to have a baby, leave because you're not happy and this marriage is not working for you, and that's no way to live. A baby may not be what you want at all, but the only way to discover that is to have your eyes wide open

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 29/04/2023 10:28

Look into freezing your eggs and a sperm donor. See a divorce lawyer. Don’t stay and kid yourself a baby will solve your issues.

tailinthejam · 29/04/2023 10:32

"I have lost quite a bit of love and respect for my husband, due to several things he's done and said...."

Well, without know what those things are, it is difficult to comment.

Duckingella · 29/04/2023 10:35

Hell no;in terms of bad ideas that's a huge one;absolutely not fair on a child.

DollyTrolly · 29/04/2023 10:40

Think about what you'd be teaching your child about relationships.....

Fimilo · 29/04/2023 10:42

No never. Even the strongest relationship struggle when a baby comes along. It is the worst thing you could do. Why bring another life into a house that isn't happy, it is not fair

Muffit · 29/04/2023 10:45

Do not have a baby with him, listen to the other posters.You will be tied to him for minimum 18 years.It will cause more stress in your relationship.

Alltheebest · 29/04/2023 10:46

Leave him and try for a baby by sperm donor / adopt.

May sound scary but friends and family will support.

If you don’t get on, you’re likely not going to agree on anything re your baby either. Even if you separate it’ll be the same. 18 + years of being tied to him.

Better to do it alone - no arguing about parenting.

SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 29/04/2023 11:00

roarfeckingroarr · 29/04/2023 10:01

I had my two and now I'm leaving with them and going to have a co parenting friendship with their father. It's perfect for me. I'm 35 and now I have my kids and can be open to finding love.

Don't miss out on having children if you want them.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Lottapianos · 29/04/2023 11:02

And by the way, your husband being great with his nieces and nephews does not mean he would be a great parent. I love doing auntie stuff, really love it, but I still chose not to go down the parenthood route because I know that I love the fun stuff, and dipping in and out of it, but I'm not up for the 24 hour responsibility

LolaSmiles · 29/04/2023 11:16

You'll just end up in 5 years as one of those "He's a great Dad but..." posters.

This. Such a giveaway when a poster says “he’s a great dad, but…”

It invariably means he’s a shit dad and a shit husband who is very good at pretending to be a good dad for a couple of hours every weekend
This!

The "he's a great dad but..." threads are 75% showing a not great dad.

ChocolateBauble · 29/04/2023 11:28

You would be better off finding a sperm donor than doing this.
Cracks in relationships widen when a child is in the mix.

Ihadenough22 · 29/04/2023 11:31

If your in a bad relationship don't bring a baby into this. I have seen several couples I know that were in very strong relationships finding the newborn and toddler stage very hard going.
I know couples as well that ended up with a child with ongoing health issues or special needs. The plans they made before the baby was born had to totally change and it's severely impacted on their lives going forward.
If you have a baby with a man that man is in your life long term. A relationship brake up is hard as an adult but far harder on a child.

A few years ago one of my friends boyfriends ended thing's with her. He rushed into a new relationship and his partner was pregnant within 18 months of meeting him.
So they now have a young child. Their relationship is not going well. He got back in contact with my friend and he wanted to get into a fwb situation with her her. She is aware of other issues he has also. My friend declined his offer as she said I am not willing to take him on with a child or let him move into my home.
She had been thinking about having a child with him when they were together but she wanted to do somethings before then. She told me recently I am so glad I did not have a child with him because long term it would have made my life far more difficult.

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 11:34

Yeah, "he's a great dad, but..." invariably means "he plays peekaboo with the baby once a week when he has some leisure between football and pub trips, but he's nowhere to be fucking seen when a nappy needs changed or there's a 3am wake-up".