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Relationships

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Original poster

Would having a baby make up for being in an unhappy relationship?

135 replies

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 08:18

I am unhappy in my marriage. I have lost quite a bit of love and respect for my husband, due to several things he's done and said.

Does having a baby ever make up for an unhappy relationship? Does the love and companionship of a child make it worth staying? I often imagine the cute smiles and cuddles.

Has anyone been in this position, had a baby, and then been glad they've stayed?

I am 36, and I've always thought I've wanted children. I've been putting it off due to my hesitation about the relationship.

But if I leave, I know it's less likely I will have a child - there's no guarantee I will meet someone else.

OP posts:

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 29/04/2023 11:37

Man: is nice to his nieces and nephews for 1 hour every 3+ months they see them
Woman: 'see he's great with kids!!!!!!!'

You don't won't want to be in a relationship with this man, why would you want him to father your children?!

ttc2603 · 29/04/2023 11:53

Yes and no.
the yes is you can bond over the child and makes you feel happier.
But no as it causes a lot of stress and tbh I think having a kid had ruined my relationship, there's a lot of things to consider before having a child and the father is definitely one of them!

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 18:59

Is that what you think your child deserves? Or are you just thinking about yourself?

If you care about the child, then no, don't bring one into an unhappy relationship. That is incredibly selfish and unfair.

If you're just thinking about it being something that will make you feel better. It won't. It will just trap you and tie you to someone you no longer like for the rest of your life. Someone you will be forced to discuss and make decision with. It won't ever be just your child.

Spottycarousel · 30/04/2023 19:26

Definitely not!

jsku · 30/04/2023 19:34

@Abbi634

Speaking from experience - IF you know you want to have children - have them now.
The marriage will make it or not. But you will have your kids.
Plenty if people get divorced - even the ones who think they have happy marriages when they have kids.

I had my 2nd when I already knew I wasn’t happy. But I wanted a other child and for my kid to have a sibling.
Eventually we divorced. This isn’t the end of the world.

IF I had no kids - because I left my unhappy relationship at 36 - hoping to meet someone else to have kids with - I’d be extremely unhappy - and who knows if I’d even been here.

drpet49 · 30/04/2023 19:36

SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 29/04/2023 08:24

No.

If you don’t rate your husband, why do you think you should saddle a baby with him for a father?

That’s cruel and selfish.

This. Some women have not got a clue.

bakewellbride · 30/04/2023 19:45

"I often imagine the cute smiles and cuddles."

I have 2 kids under 5 and can say that the above is about 0.001% of parenting. Yes of course my kids are amazing and I love them with all that I am but it's HARD and they're easy kids (eldest glowing behaviour reports at school etc).

Yes there are the cute smiles etc but there is also:
The increased pressure on your relationship because you have less time and energy for each other
The moaning and whining
Mess
Gross stuff / bum wiping, bring puked on
The tiredness and exhaustion (my youngest hardly slept for the first 11 months which was mentally and physically so tough)
The money you have to spend
No time to do what you want any more
Being at someone else's mercy e.g you might have a kid who wakes at 5am every day and that doesn't help any relationship
Having to plan every outing and always remember wipes, clothes etc.
That's the tip of the ice berg, I could go on

Nina9870 · 30/04/2023 21:04

Jesus Chris, no.
My husband and I were together 11 years before we had our first, luckily we have a solid relationship because we’ve never bloody argued so much.
We’re still together and love each other but my god, we snap at each other, we’re tired, we don’t have as much time together as we’d like. Having a child with someone you love is amazing, but it does put a massive strain on things. I would not recommend having a child to ‘save’ your relationship. It’ll make things worse

CaroleSinger · 30/04/2023 22:34

Abbi634 · 29/04/2023 09:28

Thanks to those who have offered advice.

Some people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that I'd be bringing the child into a destructive, toxic environment. Several people are saying I'm being selfish. I said I was unhappy in the relationship. There are problems.

But it's not all bad - we have good companionship - and my husband absolutely loves kids, and would have a lot of love for a child. He dotes on his nieces and nephews.

Why on earth would you think bringing a baby into an already unhappy relationship is going to magically make it a happy relationship? Why are you unhappy? Perhaps address that rather than looking for a sticking plaster. The stress of raising a child is hard enough in a happy relationship. He may well love kids but does he love you? Having a baby isn't going to address why you are unhappy unless you're suggesting the relationship is unhappy because you don't have kids. It more likely the relationship is unhappy because you're just not compatible. So having a baby with someone you are incompatible with is going to cure that?

FrozenGhost · 01/05/2023 07:02

Why on earth would you think bringing a baby into an already unhappy relationship is going to magically make it a happy relationship?

I don't think OP think it would make the relationship good, she's thinking of having a child even though the relationship isn't.

Unpopular opinion but I think it depends on what's wrong. Abuse or he's a terrible person? No. A bit of a meh relationship, no spark, etc? I'd say yes, if you want kids, this is your chance. Most of us don't get a prince charming, we have our kids with someone and what happens, happens.

For everyone saying you broke up with your ex and it was hard, I'm sure it was, but are you saying you wish you never had kids and those kids would prefer not to exist?

BumpyaDaisyevna · 01/05/2023 07:25

Good lord no.

It will magnify x100 all the current difficulties/grievances/resentments between you.

And if or when you want to split it is x100 harder as you have a child together.

NoraLuka · 01/05/2023 10:12

@FrozenGhost no I would never wish my kids away and I know if they’d had a different dad they’d be different people but if I think about it (which I always try not to!) I wish they’d had a family with their parents together and with a dad who does stuff with them and talks to them etc. DD1 hasn’t seen ExH for over a year and he says to me ‘my door is always open for her but it’s too complicated dealing with her, what can I do?’ He won’t call her or anything.

If I had to choose again I wouldn’t choose him that’s for sure!

jotterpad · 01/05/2023 10:43

Been there got the tshirt- no it won’t.
I do now have two kids though

TheNachtzehrer · 01/05/2023 10:52

If OP was to say to her H, I don't really love you any more, but I want kids anyway, you willing? - would he be up for that? And if not, what right does she have to perpetrate that kind of deception on him?

What's the advantage of using this guy for his sperm over buying some sperm? The latter is a lot more honest and uncomplicated, and you don't have to fuck about dealing with your ex moving on and blending families and sharing PR with someone you now despise and having everything be a fight.

roarfeckingroarr · 01/05/2023 15:07

@SquirrellyTheSquirrel say I'm selfish all you like, but I'm also happy and with two wonderful, loved children. We get one life. My partner is a great man and a brilliant father, he's just not right for me.

jsku · 01/05/2023 21:39

@TheNachtzehrer
@Abbi634

The advantage is that the child will have a father who will also be taking care of them.
By all accounts - this man wants a child and will be a good father.
Not all situations work as easily as - not blissfully happy - leave and have a sperm bank child by yourself.
I couldn’t.

Divorce isn’t the end of the world. And kids may make OP happier and w able her to stay in the relationship for longer and who knows.
Certainly worked for me - I stayed long enough to have two kids and get them to teenage years with two parents at home.

BananaPalm · 01/05/2023 21:51

My friend did it. After the magic of pregnancy and the first few months of baby's life waned, she was back to square one. But now she's financially stuck with him. It's a pity as both of them are really good people. They're just not right for each other.

FrozenGhost · 03/05/2023 08:27

If I had to choose again I wouldn’t choose him that’s for sure!

Sure, but OP isn't choosing between this guy and another great guy who she loves and is ready to start a family. She's most likely choosing between kids with this guy and no kids ever.

FrozenGhost · 03/05/2023 11:50

I just think it's really easy, once you've had your kids, to think back and say "I should have kept looking", making an assumption in retrospect that a perfect man would have been just around the corner. But that's not necessarily the case.

MMmomDD · 03/05/2023 17:45

@BananaPalm

Magic of pregnancy and first few weeks and your friend was back to being bored and unhappy?
I must have done something wrong - it took me several years after baby1 was born to even have time to check in with myself and even wonder how I am.

Babies aren’t all coos and smiles. But they are hard work and find ways to keep us busy and distracted from blah relationships - if that is needed.
And they do bring a lot - despite the hard work, etc

@Abbi634 don’t hold on to a dream of having one with some imaginary perfect partner. No one is.

Guineasrule · 03/05/2023 17:49

In a word, no.

Original poster

Abbi634 · 09/05/2023 00:56

jsku · 01/05/2023 21:39

@TheNachtzehrer
@Abbi634

This was more along the lines of my reasoning. Thanks @jsku

If we had kids, I would plan to stay with him and try to make the best of the relationship - though it is far from perfect.

He can be bad-tempered but not abusive.

Many on this thread have said my thinking is selfish. There are many women - since time began - who have been in unhappy relationships, and who have had children..... Do you think they're all selfish?

OP posts:

jsku · 09/05/2023 01:08

@Abbi634

There are a lot of people ok MN who think they live in some imaginary world where things are perfectly black and white. Only perfect marriages have a right to exist and reproduce. The moment one is unhappy - they leave. Etc.
In reality - I don’t know any picture perfect marriages.

At your age - your choice is quite clear. Pragmatic - having a child in the reality you live in.
Idealistic - leave and play it by fairy tales rules. Search for the Prince.

(Most likely he doesn’t exist, and you may miss the childbearing window)

BadNomad · 09/05/2023 01:10

There are many women - since time began - who have been in unhappy relationships, and who have had children..... Do you think they're all selfish?

Yes. You should try asking the children of these women how they feel about being born into these unhappy relationships. Ask them how they feel about having a bad-tempered father. Ask them how they feel about their mother knowing this about him before she had them.

BadNomad · 09/05/2023 01:13

It's not about fairy tales and imaginary worlds. It's about thinking of the harm your choices will mean for your children. To ignore that, is selfish.

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