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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 08:23

Time4achangeagain · 29/04/2023 07:54

OP, any chance you were drunk and loud without realising?

So what if she was? It still doesn’t warrant being so cruelly dismissed and told to eff off by her DH in public. Why must it be her fault?

Mummynew08 · 29/04/2023 08:23

I can think of another scenario that no one has thought of yet on this thread: op was charming and friendly and the colleagues all loved her and kept her chatting at the table. Op's dh felt outshone and endured it for a bit then lashed out. She's more glamorous than him, hence the "are you sure this is your wife?"

Either way, he doesn't sound like a prince.

My dh is also very private but he's absolutely told work colleagues he's got a wife and daughter and would 100% introduce me if I ran into his colleagues. If I was sloppy drunk (which isn't unlikely in my case lol but we don't know that op was like that at all), he'd either a) whisper in my ear/text me somehow that he'd rather I leave, or b) give up and take me home himself. I feel that's what a normal husband would do?!

willWillSmithsmith · 29/04/2023 08:26

I could no longer like or respect this man after this. Sometimes one thing can knock a relationship out cold and for me this would be one of those times. I wouldn’t want this man touching me ever again or sharing living space. Honestly, he doesn’t love or respect you enough to deserve you. I know LTB is trotted out a lot on MN but this time I honestly would leave him!

EmpressSoleil · 29/04/2023 08:27

In the OP it says she went over to say hi and got told to F off. So I read it as they stayed in the pub for an hour, not that they sat with the work group for an hour. I could be wrong, would be helpful if OP clarified. Although at the same time, I have been on many work nights out and we’d have had no problem with someone’s spouse joining us.

Trust me OP. The only one that’s an embarrassment here is him. One place I worked at, we had a guy like that (he was shagging a colleague). We all thought he was an absolute dick and felt sorry for his wife. Although I appreciate having them all feel sorry for you isn’t a great feeling either.

Everyone’s questioning this and that. As to whether he had any justification. You were there. You will know if you did anything embarrassing (saying hello is not embarrassing). If he’s really been the dick he comes across as, then yes you have to ask yourself some serious questions. A spouse/partner should lift you up, not put you down and it doesn’t bode well for the future.

Rainallnight · 29/04/2023 08:27

I’m so sorry, OP, it sounds awful.

What’s your relationship like generally? Did you have any cause for concern before?

Bigminnie1 · 29/04/2023 08:28

HoppingPavlova · 29/04/2023 05:05

There is no way your DH speaking to you like that is acceptable, absolutely not.

I do find the whole scenario odd though. If I was out with colleagues and one of their spouses ‘just happened’ to come to the same place I’d feel sorry and mortified for them as I’d assume some sort of stalking/domestic abuse. I’m not embarrassed by DH and assume he’s not embarrassed by me and our colleagues know we are married etc, but if I went out and found by dumb luck it was where he was with friends or colleagues, no way I’d go over say hi and try and join in. I’d quietly make an exit and go somewhere else so I wouldn’t be perceived as stalking him. I’d expect him to do the same in such a scenario.

This is such a weird response. You would be worried people would think you were stalking your DH? I don't get it.
The normal response if you see your partner when you are out- whether it's work or social is to go over and say hi! I have hardly met any of my DH's work colleagues and he would be delighted if we banged into each other when we were out.

Mummynew08 · 29/04/2023 08:29

Mummynew08 · 29/04/2023 08:23

I can think of another scenario that no one has thought of yet on this thread: op was charming and friendly and the colleagues all loved her and kept her chatting at the table. Op's dh felt outshone and endured it for a bit then lashed out. She's more glamorous than him, hence the "are you sure this is your wife?"

Either way, he doesn't sound like a prince.

My dh is also very private but he's absolutely told work colleagues he's got a wife and daughter and would 100% introduce me if I ran into his colleagues. If I was sloppy drunk (which isn't unlikely in my case lol but we don't know that op was like that at all), he'd either a) whisper in my ear/text me somehow that he'd rather I leave, or b) give up and take me home himself. I feel that's what a normal husband would do?!

Ps just asked my dh what he'd do if I came over sloppy-embarrassing drunk to him and his colleagues on a night out...he laughed because this isnt unlikely in my case... he said he'd just take me home. I asked but wouldn't you try and signal to me to go away first? He said nah "I'm always happy to go home"

So there you have it, imo that's a normal response to a spouse. If you marry someone, they should be your no1, embarrassing or not!

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/04/2023 08:30

fourlambbhunas · 29/04/2023 01:49

I would be paranoid that the reason they are all shocked that he has a girlfriend and the reason he's so angry about you introducing yourself is because he has some kind of relationship going on with a colleague...

Exactly

Batalax · 29/04/2023 08:33

Did you sit with them for a whole hour? If you did I can understand his feelings a bit. You changed the dynamics.

I hope he didn’t tell you to fuck off, you are an embarrassment in front of his colleagues. He embarrassed himself if so.

nettie434 · 29/04/2023 08:33

I would be so hurt if that happened to me. Even if he was concerned that you were deliberately checking up on him, he should have behaved politely and introduced you to his colleagues.

MayThe4th · 29/04/2023 08:34

Well, being drunk as a one off is one thing, if OP has a habit of getting drunk and showing up her dh then that’s another.

And yeah, OP is coherent, coherent enough to join MN at 1 o’clock on a Saturday morning and start a new thread. ;)

Maze76 · 29/04/2023 08:34

This is unacceptable.
From what you have described I would assume he’s probably lied to his colleagues about his life outside of work- why he’s done this, I can’t say but it wouldn’t surprise me if it didn’t involve another woman, be that a crush, flirting or an affair.
If I were in your shoes I would tell him he needs to leave, you’d like to separate/ whatever you do, DO NOT leave your home.
stand firm on this - it’s for your mental health and you need to put yourself first, get your ducks in a row - I guarantee you’re going to find out alot in the coming days/ weeks.

AngelinaFibres · 29/04/2023 08:37

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 02:13

Little update,, he's come home. Said I was out of order for turning up and saying hi to him. I imposed on his night and embarrassed him so much.
I'm literally speechless our marriage has come to this.

My exhusband did the same thing to me when we were married. His work colleagues knew I existed but I had never been allowed to meet them. Found out years later that he has told them all sorts of less than flattering things about me to paint himself as a saint for putting up with me. There were 2 men in particular that he liked to go out with. One was single , the other was married but having an affair with another colleague My now exhusband used to take his wedding ring off so he could chat up young women in night clubs. He used to spend ages getting ready and didn't want our 2 young children to go anywhere near his white shirt and cream levis outfit in case they spoilt the perfection of it. He was utterly mortified when I met his colleagues and they could see that I was not as he had described me. He reacted with anger too and said that I had embarrassed him. He had an affair with a 17 year old from work and left us when the chosen were 3 and 2. Keep your eyes open Op.

Edenrose206 · 29/04/2023 08:38

OP, I really feel for you. I don't know why so many posters are suggesting that you were drunk, loud, intrusive, etc. Something is going on here, but it is clear you've been kept in the dark. Your "D"H knows full well why he was embarrassed and didn't want to see (or acknowledge) you. Please don't blame yourself for going over to say hello... He was absolutely rude and awful to you!

Ask me how I know? Years ago...many years...I went down to NYC from university several states away one weekend with friends. We were partying by night and going to art galleries by day. Walking down the street in SoHo, I saw a man... Wait! That's my dad!! He lives on the OPPOSITE COAST. I shouted "Hi, Dad! Dad!! He ignored me. I shouted his Christian name to get his attention. When he finally turned toward me with an ice cold look, I realised that he was not alone... He waited until I walked over as the woman he was with ducked into the nearest open gallery doorway. He said "Edenrose! What are YOU doing here? Why aren't you at [name of uni]?" He was embarrassed and angry with me!! And that, dear reader, is how I found out my dad was having an affair and cheating on my lovely mum.

Something is indeed very wrong here, OP, but it's not your fault. Don't internalise it or take any abuse or anger from him. You deserve to know what's going on... Sending hugs.

IForgotMyUsernameAgain · 29/04/2023 08:39

I think you know this isn't normal or acceptable so the question is now what are you going to do about it.

He won't change, they never do. So either you accept the situation or you leave.

Start thinking about finances etc and look into solicitors.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. He sounds truly awful.

Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 08:39

AngelinaFibres · 29/04/2023 08:37

My exhusband did the same thing to me when we were married. His work colleagues knew I existed but I had never been allowed to meet them. Found out years later that he has told them all sorts of less than flattering things about me to paint himself as a saint for putting up with me. There were 2 men in particular that he liked to go out with. One was single , the other was married but having an affair with another colleague My now exhusband used to take his wedding ring off so he could chat up young women in night clubs. He used to spend ages getting ready and didn't want our 2 young children to go anywhere near his white shirt and cream levis outfit in case they spoilt the perfection of it. He was utterly mortified when I met his colleagues and they could see that I was not as he had described me. He reacted with anger too and said that I had embarrassed him. He had an affair with a 17 year old from work and left us when the chosen were 3 and 2. Keep your eyes open Op.

Show quote history

I know this isn’t the point but I’d have left him for wearing cream Levi’s.

ejbaxa · 29/04/2023 08:41

What a fucking weirdo

Either he is shagging someone at work, or he is a sub functional person - I mean why would he pretend that you didn't exist if you are his wife and you have a child together Confused

I would tell him straight out that his behaviour is abnormal and you need an explanation. Work/life balance refers to time/stress spent at each - not whether your colleagues have met your wife. And tell him it would be weird if you hadn't gone over - it wasn't weird to go over. Ask for a full explanation and tell him you are considering leaving him if he is keeping secrets like this. Tell him you won't accept this behaviour and that you did nothing wrong. He seems to be trying to trick you into thinking you have done something wrong - what a prick.

AngelinaFibres · 29/04/2023 08:47

Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 08:39

I know this isn’t the point but I’d have left him for wearing cream Levi’s.

Show quote history

Ahahahha. He had them in every colour. When I met him and when we married he seemed perfectly lovely. After we had the children he went to work for a different company where the culture was not family friendly at all. He went into work on his motorbike one day, so full black leathers and black helmet. He had it all on when he walked into the cash office. The women in there couldn't tell who it was and ,according to him, basically came over all funny at the sight of this sexy godlike being. It literally flipped a switch in his brain. He went from perfectly nice married dad of 2 to international super model . Drinking, preening , needing new clothes constantly ,making his hair very tall to hide the bald patch in the middle . The children and I disappeared in his mind that day and from then on. Sad twat

Stephhh87 · 29/04/2023 08:47

I know some people have not assumed but asked OP if she was messy drunk etc
If I turned up messy drunk my DH would be taking me home! And sure he’d understandably be annoyed to miss the rest of his night and I’d be so sorry and shamed the next day then he’d be like well it’s done now we’ve all been there stop worrying etc etc and then we’d probably laugh about it in future.
So yeh if I turned up messy drunk there is no way he’s send me away! Same if I saw him messy drunk! I’d be making him eat lol.

WeeblesWobbled · 29/04/2023 08:48

This has brought back memories of something similar that happened to me when I was married many years ago. I came home from studying late at the library (my husband had told me to stay away because he was having a few friends round) to find that he had laid on a full on dinner party, not just a few drinks. He was playing the host and they were all having a wonderful time, laughing, boozing. The table was laden with beautiful food. He didn't invite me to take part or even introduce me to them. At the time I was very lacking in confidence - the complete opposite to him. I had no self esteem and just accepted that I was not good enough to be introduced to them. As a PP talked about earlier I was aware that there was a difference in our attractiveness at the time - I was overweight - but thought he had married me because that sort of thing didn't bother him (he was always saying that). I spent the night hiding away, listening to him playing lord of the manor in a house I had bought years before I met him; me a stranger in my own home.

He took me completely for granted throughout the marriage and in my case I allowed him to. I didn't know any better. My mother had crushed all the self esteem out of me from the time that I was a child, telling me that I was ugly compared to my beautiful sister. And I believed her because other people said it too. All my life I had sought someone who would see beyond looks and love me for me; and I thought he was that someone. It sounds like a cliche to say this but I later discovered that I really had to learn to love myself. But even after loads of counselling over the years and success in other areas of my life I still have this profound lack of self esteem - people walk all over me, even though I am now in my sixties.

Please please have a long hard think about what happened. Be honest with yourself. What sort of relationship do you want your dc to go on to have? You are modelling relationships for them, remember. Your self esteem has been worn down to the point that you can't recognise abuse for what it is.

savethatkitty · 29/04/2023 08:52

I think its a red flag. When I initially met some of my husbands colleagues, they were shocked! They had no idea there was a wife at home. How do you manage to not mention your wife. So yeah. It told me all I needed to know.

Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 08:52

AngelinaFibres · 29/04/2023 08:47

Ahahahha. He had them in every colour. When I met him and when we married he seemed perfectly lovely. After we had the children he went to work for a different company where the culture was not family friendly at all. He went into work on his motorbike one day, so full black leathers and black helmet. He had it all on when he walked into the cash office. The women in there couldn't tell who it was and ,according to him, basically came over all funny at the sight of this sexy godlike being. It literally flipped a switch in his brain. He went from perfectly nice married dad of 2 to international super model . Drinking, preening , needing new clothes constantly ,making his hair very tall to hide the bald patch in the middle . The children and I disappeared in his mind that day and from then on. Sad twat

Show quote history

Ugh. It sounds like you are well rid.

FabFitFifties · 29/04/2023 08:53

I feel we need more info. If I met my partner accidently, we'd say hello, he'd introduce me, 2 minutes small talk, then leave each other to our own planned night. Neither of us would be thrilled if the other inserted themselves into our night out, and only left an hour later because we told them to. It's not fair on the other friends. The not believing you were his wife issue could have multiple explanations - none of them good really. Telling me to fuck off would never be acceptable, in any situation, and has never happened in 33 years. Do you think he's given them the impression you are a stunner when you're not, or the opposite way round? Hence the disbelief? Help us out with a bit more context. What did SIL say?

3luckystars · 29/04/2023 08:53

Awful behaviour. I don’t think there is any coming back from that.

Mygym · 29/04/2023 08:55

Ltb.