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Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
Motheranddaughtertotwo · 29/04/2023 11:30

WTAF?!? Me and my husband don’t particularly mix work either, we go out separately in mixed groups but this is insane! Our work colleagues both know about each other’s existence! There is no situation in the world that would make this ok, it is rude and disrespectful on every level.

SallyWD · 29/04/2023 11:43

rainbowstardrops · 29/04/2023 11:24

I would imagine he likes to give off single guy vibes to his colleagues and probably (at the very least) flirts with some of them.
He was obviously worried about being rumbled by something.

Exactly this!! I bet he takes his wedding ring off when he gets to the office (if he wears one).

PaintedEgg · 29/04/2023 11:44

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 10:37

I was tipsy but I wasn't loud, rude, horrible, I'd never speak this way about someone I love, or anyone for that matter. We were in the bar for an hour, i was told to F off as soon as I got there, his colleagues asked who I was, I explained who. I could see he wasn't pleased I was there so me and SIL walked away to another area, they then came over and talked to us, male and female colleagues.
We are very rarely out together as a couple as we can never find a sitter, and it was an off chance and a rare occasion we had a afamily member available as we were both out separately.
I've never questioned or bothered him on a night out because we're, like I say, very rarely out together. He doesn't go out that often either.
I've always thought our relationship was normal, but reading through all the comments (every one) I can see it may not be.
I'm not a stalker as someone commented, I've never had any doubt that my husband would ever do anything and he's never given me reason not to, I'm not a jealous person either. I just cannot understand it.
This morning he's been very apologetic, but still says I embarrassed him but can't give me a reason why.
When I said I show him off at every opportunity, I meant I'm proud to have him as my husband, I'm proud of who he is because I love and respect him. I was not falling out of my top/dress showing any PDA, it just isn't how we are.
He still can't give me a reason and also said to me this morning you know I love you, but if he did his actions last night wouldn't have been as they were. I know I have more questions to be answered by him.
I've questioned myself thinking he was probably drunk and I shouldn't let it bother me, but it has. This morning I'm still no clearer and he remembers what he said and is apologetic. I feel these may just be words and I need genuine actions. Thank you for everyone's response to my question, I've taken them all on board.

drinking does not change the behaviour - it only exaggerates it by removing social inhibition

As for you being tipsy..I think if he was embarrassed because of how drunk you were then he would have told you, and he didnt

Wfhandbored · 29/04/2023 11:48

TheMoops · 29/04/2023 11:14

It's really quite astonishing the amount of posters (who I am presuming are women) intent on making out it must've been OP's fault that her DH told her to FO in front of his colleagues in a public place. 🙄 There's no bloody excusing such shitty behaviour!

Isn't it?

Even if she did know where he was...so what? She's his wife! I can't imagine any situation where my DH would speak to me like that if I saw him out. Even if I did bump into him on purpose. He'd be happy to see me and it wouldn't matter who he was out with.

Right?! I hate to use the phrase victim blaming but it seems pretty apt here. Fuck me, she didn't do anything wrong by the sounds and if I bumped into my fella on a chance night out encounter (we also never get the opportunity) he'd be really excited and being like OI LADS THE MRS IS HERE! Any other reaction to me is so questionable. Even if she rocked up pissed and sloppy, he shouldn't be horrible in front of people or horrible anyway, he'd do the right thing and get her home safely. I don't believe OP did turn up in any sort of a state anyway, not that it matters. OP has been worried about nagging or bothering him throughout the comments on here so I can't imagine her changing tact so much as to act that way??

Wfhandbored · 29/04/2023 11:49

Also if I was one of his colleagues I would no longer be matey with him. I would firmly put him back into the work bracket with no further friendship. Vile man.

BunnyFun · 29/04/2023 11:57

@AngelinaFibres
"He had an affair with a 17 year old from work and left us when the chosen were 3 and 2. "

What does '3 and 2' mean?

Deathmetal · 29/04/2023 11:59

You need to call him out on his behaviour, this isn’t something a simple sorry can rectify. If you allow him to treat you like this now, it will get worse in the future as he becomes aware your boundaries are non existent

Stratusinium · 29/04/2023 12:00

BunnyFun · 29/04/2023 11:57

@AngelinaFibres
"He had an affair with a 17 year old from work and left us when the chosen were 3 and 2. "

What does '3 and 2' mean?

Chosen = children

its a typo

Fairislefandango · 29/04/2023 12:01

What an arsehole. So he's apologised, because knows full well that he was being unreasonable, but he 'can't' give an explanation of why he reacted that way? More like 'won't' give an explanation. There is no innocent explanation that would justify it. Either he is just generally embarrassed by you because he doesn't think you're cool enough to be shown to his work mates, or he's living a bit of a double life - single guy image at work, married at home. Or he's cheating or planning to cheat with a colleague.

I can't believe people are suggesting it's just because he likes to keep home and work separate. That would not justify his extreme and offensive reaction to the OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/04/2023 12:08

Firstly, stop making excuses for his horrible behaviour. 'He might have been a bit drunk'. "I don't want to seem 'saggy'. You're his wife and he not only ignored you, then told you that you'd embarrassed him and HE'S the one in a strop?

He hasn't even told his colleagues that you exist? Does he wear a wedding ring or leave it in the car every day? Is he having an affair?

I would be mortified, hurt and FUMING. And I would be contacting a solicitor as soon as possible to file for divorce.

Absolutely shocking. So sorry but probably best you've found out now. Do not have another child with this tosser.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/04/2023 12:08

Naggy not saggy!!!

SchoolQuestionnaire · 29/04/2023 12:08

Wfhandbored · 29/04/2023 11:49

Also if I was one of his colleagues I would no longer be matey with him. I would firmly put him back into the work bracket with no further friendship. Vile man.

This.

Op there’s only one embarrassment in this situation and it’s not you. His behaviour was abhorrent and his colleagues will have been mortified witnessing him speak to you like that, which is why they made a point of coming over to you. I think he’ll find they will be looking at him very differently after his ridiculous performance.

samestyle · 29/04/2023 12:14

Maybe he thought you were checking up on him rather than bumping into him by chance, still that's his problem not yours, anyone that was a loving partner wouldn't mind at all introducing you. I wouldn't want to stay with someone that treated me so badly.

WickedSerious · 29/04/2023 12:18

Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 08:39

I know this isn’t the point but I’d have left him for wearing cream Levi’s.

Show quote history

I had no idea such things existed.

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 12:20

First of all you weren't embarrassing him, he was embarrassed. Not the same. In fairness, I can understand why this might have been. There was the shock value, ie being put on the spot with (in his eyes) all his peers watching his reaction. It was a situation he'd not encountered and he felt awkward, a bit like if your boss at work asked you to stand up in a team meeting and explain/showcase a specific topic you had worked on last month. I think he was discombobulated!
At a primal level he felt threatened and resorted to aggression. Telling you to FO was out of order in anyone's books.
The thing is though, did you? Sounds like you and SIL then 'muscled' into his group. New faces etc so provably just a bit of friendly banter, but you know his friends didn't think your behaviour was anything to be embarrassed about...how did you know. In your situation I'd have probably just moved on and had it out with him later.
Don't think i feel his behaviour is acceptable, it's not, but it's understandable. Just bear in mind that just because you wouldn't mind, doesn't mean he shouldn't.
I actually loath meeting people 'out of context' eg a work colleague in Asda...just go away! Having said that I wouldn't dream of telling them to FO!

Over40Overdating · 29/04/2023 12:26

@JudgeRudy even if what you are saying was true it’s still pathetic.

If a grown man can’t cope with seeing his wife outside of the house when he’s with other people to the extent his first reaction is to tell her to fuck off in front of everyone, he doesn’t need sympathy or understanding, he’s needs psychiatric help.

The mental gymnastics to excuse and pathologise what is common or garden nasty behaviour is staggering. This is why so many men never change - they don’t have to as long as there never consequences for this behaviour, only excuses.

Sisisimone · 29/04/2023 12:27

WickedSerious · 29/04/2023 12:18

I had no idea such things existed.

Show quote history

I imagine this was the early 1990s. Everyone had Levis in all sorts of colours. I remember having a pair of green ones

BunnyFun · 29/04/2023 12:27

Is it possible that the OPs husband has low self esteem and is ashamed of who he is and by extension is ashamed of his wife and he felt embarrassed when she showed up in front of his work colleagues.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/04/2023 12:31

I suspect this guy is a bit of a player at work, but if a lad who prefers to project a 'single' image - and you have blown his cover

TheMoops · 29/04/2023 12:33

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 12:20

First of all you weren't embarrassing him, he was embarrassed. Not the same. In fairness, I can understand why this might have been. There was the shock value, ie being put on the spot with (in his eyes) all his peers watching his reaction. It was a situation he'd not encountered and he felt awkward, a bit like if your boss at work asked you to stand up in a team meeting and explain/showcase a specific topic you had worked on last month. I think he was discombobulated!
At a primal level he felt threatened and resorted to aggression. Telling you to FO was out of order in anyone's books.
The thing is though, did you? Sounds like you and SIL then 'muscled' into his group. New faces etc so provably just a bit of friendly banter, but you know his friends didn't think your behaviour was anything to be embarrassed about...how did you know. In your situation I'd have probably just moved on and had it out with him later.
Don't think i feel his behaviour is acceptable, it's not, but it's understandable. Just bear in mind that just because you wouldn't mind, doesn't mean he shouldn't.
I actually loath meeting people 'out of context' eg a work colleague in Asda...just go away! Having said that I wouldn't dream of telling them to FO!

He bumped into his wife....seriously it's as simple as that. There is no need for the overthinking. It's a perfectly normal thing to happen.

Chocolatesandroses · 29/04/2023 12:35

Was any of them female by any chance ? Because I would be thinking of any of them are female maybe he didn’t want them to know he’s married as maybe wants a relationship with one of them . But incredibly weird either way

Idontgiveashitanymore · 29/04/2023 12:36

I’d have his bags packed and left at the door. That is beyond cruel and disrespectful…

FictionalCharacter · 29/04/2023 12:38

Dedodee · 29/04/2023 02:42

I had a work colleague who insisted he was single.
We knew he was lying and had a dw and dc. We thought our colleague was a knobhead. I wonder what your dh’s colleagues think of him.

I bet this is why he’s embarrassed OP. He’s been pretending he’s single, so you appearing and his appalling response shows him for the unpleasant prick he is, right in front of the people he lied to. They were probably all giving him weird looks because it’s so abnormal to pretend you don’t have a wife, even worse to tell your wife to fuck off. So he was embarrassed. But that is 100% his fault.
If my DH told his workmates he didn’t have a wife, told me to fuck off and said I was an embarrassment the marriage would be over, unless he agreed to put a lot of work in to deal with such an unmanageable situation.

Twazique · 29/04/2023 12:40

I'm so sorry OP, it must have felt like a slap in the face. I think you may look back on this as the beginning of the end :(

Daffodilwoman · 29/04/2023 12:42

There really is only one explanation for his behaviour. He acts single at work. And why do that? Either so he can shag other people (male or female) or he is such a fuckwit at work that nobody at all could ever imagine anyone being married to him.
Either way, it’s not good. I would do exactly what I suggested upthread, go out and stay out. Do not do anything for him, nothing. After all, you are not his wife. I couldn’t forgive him. The last time dh and I went out separately we did bump into each other. It’s not that hard to understand. Both in the sane town. Being married we strangely have this thing where we actually like the same things- crazy I know. Who would have thought that 2 married people would like the same types of places? Astounding isn’t it?