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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
chocolatehoovering · 29/04/2023 10:52

What a prick.
He's probably been saying he's single at work or simply never mentioned having a wife.
There's nothing wrong with going over to greet your husband in a bar and introduce yourself to his colleagues. That's normal.
I don't believe you stalked him here as some people are implying. You happened to meet him. That happens when people go out, especially if it's not a massive city or if there are a limited number of bars.
He was awful and he embarrassed himself by telling you to fuck off. I'd be wanting to dig deeper into this - has he been making out he's single so he can flirt/shag colleagues?

CrimpleneAttraction · 29/04/2023 10:53

some on here are so in thrall to men, their brains are warped.

Or maybe they are in fact men, of the MRA type.

skyeisthelimit · 29/04/2023 10:53

OP, that is awful. No decent bloke/husband would treat you like that.

Why has he not told colleagues that he is married with a kid? That is very odd behaviour.

I would have been devastated if my ex had said that to me when we were married.

BurbageBrook · 29/04/2023 10:54

OP, his behaviour is disgusting. You are in no way in the wrong here. I'd lose all respect for him.

CrimpleneAttraction · 29/04/2023 10:55

I wonder what his colleagues make of him now.

chocolatehoovering · 29/04/2023 10:56

Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 10:50

It's really quite astonishing the amount of posters (who I am presuming are women) intent on making out it must've been OP's fault that her DH told her to FO in front of his colleagues in a public place. 🙄 There's no bloody excusing such shitty behaviour!

Show quote history

You'd be surprised how many are not women. There's quite an influx on MRAs and incels these days. They show up quite late on in threads in swarms and start attacking and blaming the OP for the situation and defending the man. I think sometimes links to threads are posted on other sites and people come over to stir the pot up here. It's so obvious.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/04/2023 10:57

lamaze1 · 29/04/2023 02:17

He is deflecting. The fact he isn't sorry is pretty shocking.

As others have said, the fact you've questioned yourself is a big red flag re how you're treated generally.

I also agree his behaviour tonight is also big red flag. First thing that sprang to mind as I was reading your op was he either has, or is planning to cheat.

I know we're always speculating on MN but my first thought was: he's cheating with someone at work or planning to.

I cannot of any other reason why he'd keep being married a secret and/or be "embarrassed" at his wife introducing herself to his workmates.

ShoesoftheWorld · 29/04/2023 10:58

Not very apologetic, though, is he, if he's still saying you embarrassed him (especially not giving a reason)?

Really, OP, I'd be telling him to spend the BH weekend elsewhere to have a long, hard think about what he did and whether his current apologies are good enough. He needs to feel the weight of this.

The fact his colleagues came over to talk to you shows that they're probably confused at least and pretty appalled at his actions.

SallyWD · 29/04/2023 10:59

To be honest this would make me very suspicious that he's seeing someone at work or at least a massive flirt. It's really not normal for his colleagues not to know you exist.

Fraaahnces · 29/04/2023 10:59

I would be letting him know that right until last night you had thought he loved you, but now you are quite convinced that he doesn’t. He needs to be told that there is no excusing his behaviour last night and that keeping you as a shameful secret is absolutely symptomatic of wider issues - all HIS issues, btw. Horrible, cruel men who think they can have two separate lives can often disassociate to the point of two separate families, etc. You should let him know that if anyone showed him up in front of colleagues, it was himself - with his weird, “secret” wife bullshit. They’re not going to trust him now if he’s been telling all and sundry that he’s single and it turns out that he has a wife at home. Creepy fucker.

5128gap · 29/04/2023 10:59

chocolatehoovering · 29/04/2023 10:56

You'd be surprised how many are not women. There's quite an influx on MRAs and incels these days. They show up quite late on in threads in swarms and start attacking and blaming the OP for the situation and defending the man. I think sometimes links to threads are posted on other sites and people come over to stir the pot up here. It's so obvious.

Show quote history

This is true. Its become very frequent over the last year or so. They've even started resurrecting old threads where the title suggests a woman has done something wrong to try to demonstrate how badly women treat men.

Over40Overdating · 29/04/2023 11:00

CrimpleneAttraction · 29/04/2023 10:53

some on here are so in thrall to men, their brains are warped.

Or maybe they are in fact men, of the MRA type.

Sadly I think many ARE women - any thread where a woman has been abused or treated badly by a man shows that.

And even if the OP had been drunk or loud, no decent, good man would have told her to fuck off in front of his SiL and colleagues. He’s that brazen in his contempt he didn’t mind having an audience and is STILL saying it’s her fault he did it.

Xrays · 29/04/2023 11:07

Over40Overdating · 29/04/2023 11:00

Sadly I think many ARE women - any thread where a woman has been abused or treated badly by a man shows that.

And even if the OP had been drunk or loud, no decent, good man would have told her to fuck off in front of his SiL and colleagues. He’s that brazen in his contempt he didn’t mind having an audience and is STILL saying it’s her fault he did it.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Dibbydoos · 29/04/2023 11:07

WTF, the redest flag he can give you is to tell you to F off when you're with work colleagues.

What an AH.

Dibbydoos · 29/04/2023 11:08

And it's on him not you. Why do you care what he thinks when he's telling you, you don't matter to him?

TisTimes · 29/04/2023 11:12

Stop making excuses for his behaviour. You just dont shoo off any person you know because they 'embarrass' you. I would never, and sounds like you wouldnt either. I have some pretty embarrassing family members, but i wouldnt do it to them either. You're his wife ffs! He is the weird one here. And the question is why?

gamerchick · 29/04/2023 11:14

I'd be very hurt by that behaviour, being told to fuck off and then finding out of been kept a secret would cause quite an explosion in my marriage.

He's got some explaining to do or this will eat away at your relationship

gamerchick · 29/04/2023 11:14

He's made himself look quite the dickhead to his work colleagues though

TheMoops · 29/04/2023 11:14

It's really quite astonishing the amount of posters (who I am presuming are women) intent on making out it must've been OP's fault that her DH told her to FO in front of his colleagues in a public place. 🙄 There's no bloody excusing such shitty behaviour!

Isn't it?

Even if she did know where he was...so what? She's his wife! I can't imagine any situation where my DH would speak to me like that if I saw him out. Even if I did bump into him on purpose. He'd be happy to see me and it wouldn't matter who he was out with.

Rightsraptor · 29/04/2023 11:15

So his colleagues told you that you weren't an embarrassment? That sounds to me like they were shocked to hear him speak to his wife in such a way and they won't be thinking much of him at all this morning.

Even if he hadn't been pleased to see you there, he could have handled it better. There could be no reason to tell you to fuck off.

Believe what he does, what he shows you, and not what he says. Words are easy, words are cheap. His actions betrayed his real feelings (sorry).

GabriellaMontez · 29/04/2023 11:19

You ask if you're being 'over sensitive'. And don't want to be 'naggy' by texting.

I don't think these are typical responses. I think you're being extremely reasonable. It makes me wonder if there are other things in your relationship that have become odd. Do you tiptoe around him? Have you stopped noticing yoire on eggshells or avoid asking certain things?

My instinct is to ltb.

But, as you have a child, I think he should be given the opportunity to apologise and make amends. It has to come from him. He has to do this.

ThankYouMama · 29/04/2023 11:19

Wow that's not nice at all Sad

QueenBitch666 · 29/04/2023 11:20

Daffodilwoman · 29/04/2023 06:53

I’d go out for the day. Don’t do any cooking for him. Do not wash or iron any of his clothes. Stop all that immediately. If he asks “What’s for dinner?” Say “Wtf are you asking me? I’m not your wife, am I?”
No way would I let this slide. Start protecting yourself op. I’d start planning a life without him. Contact family and friends to make plans and keep yourself busy. This has red flag city. He died today deserve you. Don’t let him gaslight you over this.

Did we just get transported to the 1950's? Women SHOULDN'T be doing that slave crap anymore 🙄

rainbowstardrops · 29/04/2023 11:24

I would imagine he likes to give off single guy vibes to his colleagues and probably (at the very least) flirts with some of them.
He was obviously worried about being rumbled by something.

GabriellaMontez · 29/04/2023 11:29

gamerchick · 29/04/2023 11:14

He's made himself look quite the dickhead to his work colleagues though

Quite. That really is embarrassing and I'd be pointing this out to him today OP.