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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he embarrassed by me?

461 replies

Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 01:09

So.... Not sure what to think so after opinions please... I went out with my sister in law for drinks, my husband was out with his work colleagues, we saw them and wend over to say hi, I introduced myself to them,, he was so cross and didn't speak to me and told me to F off as I was embarrassing him... We've been married for 8 years and together for 10. I'm not sure how to even take this reaction, never experienced it with him before. Some of his colleagues didn't even know about me, am I being 'over sensitive' or should I be seeing some red flags...

OP posts:
Stitchesremoved22 · 29/04/2023 10:19

Why were you in the same place?
Why did he not know where you were going to be?
Do you have form for turning up unannounced and checking in? Because that is just as bad as his behaviour.

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:22

TheHandbag · 29/04/2023 10:15

Is it in the interest of the op and her children to stay with an abusive husband who treats her with contempt and publicly humiliates her? Should she as a woman put up and shut up?

Show quote history

So you think that the alternative is “putting up and shutting up”

are you usually so extreme?

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/04/2023 10:23

Stitchesremoved22 · Today 10:19
Why were you in the same place?
Why did he not know where you were going to be?
Do you have form for turning up unannounced and checking in? Because that is just as bad as his behaviour.”

What an odd point of view.

Stratusinium · 29/04/2023 10:23

Bigminnie1 · 29/04/2023 08:28

This is such a weird response. You would be worried people would think you were stalking your DH? I don't get it.
The normal response if you see your partner when you are out- whether it's work or social is to go over and say hi! I have hardly met any of my DH's work colleagues and he would be delighted if we banged into each other when we were out.

Show quote history

Agree it is a weird thought process lol. It would be weird not to acknowledge each other.

Dotcheck · 29/04/2023 10:25

Oh, OP. This is awful
This has happened to me twice.
My ex husband used to tell me that I wasn’t invited to social events with a group of friends. When I finally did end up at an event with them all, my ex was hideous to me and ultra nice to one particular attractive woman. She would have been invited to all the events I apparently wasn’t invited to.

Another ex was very careful to not invite me when certain workmates ( women) were around. He was so good at it that it took me ages to notice. Eventually he told me that he hated how I cramped his style and he loved attention from women.

They were both charming, friendly, seemingly ‘nice’ men. They were not.

OP please don’t brush this under the carpet, or give him a pass. He systematically and deliberately concealed his relationship with you. That is not a small issue- that is deep and devious.

Jellifulfruit · 29/04/2023 10:25

Oh :( this is definitely a him problem, not you. Hope you manage to either fix this, or continue life without him!

DyslexicPoster · 29/04/2023 10:25

Is the sil his sister or your brothers? What do they think?

Your dh sounds hideously awful. I'm sorry. There's no justification for that and if worked with him I'd be seriously creeped out with any colleague telling their wife to fuck off.

Surely he isn't Mr Perfect? So he has gone from being kind, loving sharing socail events with you to this? How would he like it if the roles was reversed? You told him to fuck off as he was embarking you in front of your colleagues?

Even if I bumped into dh hideously pissed we wouldn't say that in front of people, I'd laugh it off then tell him he drank to much and made a title of himself once he sobered up

Sisisimone · 29/04/2023 10:32

I'm so sorry OP, it must have been a complete shock to have been treated so nastily in front of his work colleagues, I would be mortified. There's no excuse and he knows it which is why he's gone on the attack when he's arrived home.
For them to not know he is married and ask 'are you sure' when you introduced yourself as his wife makes me think he's been shagging half the office. So yes, you have embarrassed him in a way because its likely you've shown him up for what he is, a lying cheating bastard, to his colleagues

TheCrystalPalace · 29/04/2023 10:34

Many, many years ago, I was just nearing the 3 year mark with a boyfriend but we didn't live together. We had our own friends (his were just plain odd and I found out later none of mine liked him at all - red flag right there!) and did stuff independently but spent loads of time together nonetheless, weekends, holidays, the whole works.
I went to a "wine soiree" he was holding (did I say he was a pretentious twat?) and I knew no one there. Not a soul. Even so, I made an effort to chat to people (and I'm quite sociable and was more than presentable in those days anyway), despite feeling quite uncomfortable. It turned out a large group of them (couples) had all just been away for a weekend together - I had NO IDEA about that, but it was clear that they all knew each other well. One of that weekend group asked me how I knew him. I was too embarrassed to say he was my boyfriend/partner of 3 years so I made something up.

I then walked out of the bar and never saw or even spoke to him again.

Shortly afterwards, I got together with my now-husband (of nearly 30 years) who is kind and generous-spirited, who instantly welcomed me into his broad friendship group, is immensely proud of me, and all my friends and family love him.

Trust your gut here, OP.

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 10:37

I was tipsy but I wasn't loud, rude, horrible, I'd never speak this way about someone I love, or anyone for that matter. We were in the bar for an hour, i was told to F off as soon as I got there, his colleagues asked who I was, I explained who. I could see he wasn't pleased I was there so me and SIL walked away to another area, they then came over and talked to us, male and female colleagues.
We are very rarely out together as a couple as we can never find a sitter, and it was an off chance and a rare occasion we had a afamily member available as we were both out separately.
I've never questioned or bothered him on a night out because we're, like I say, very rarely out together. He doesn't go out that often either.
I've always thought our relationship was normal, but reading through all the comments (every one) I can see it may not be.
I'm not a stalker as someone commented, I've never had any doubt that my husband would ever do anything and he's never given me reason not to, I'm not a jealous person either. I just cannot understand it.
This morning he's been very apologetic, but still says I embarrassed him but can't give me a reason why.
When I said I show him off at every opportunity, I meant I'm proud to have him as my husband, I'm proud of who he is because I love and respect him. I was not falling out of my top/dress showing any PDA, it just isn't how we are.
He still can't give me a reason and also said to me this morning you know I love you, but if he did his actions last night wouldn't have been as they were. I know I have more questions to be answered by him.
I've questioned myself thinking he was probably drunk and I shouldn't let it bother me, but it has. This morning I'm still no clearer and he remembers what he said and is apologetic. I feel these may just be words and I need genuine actions. Thank you for everyone's response to my question, I've taken them all on board.

OP posts:
Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 10:39

Echobelly · 29/04/2023 10:05

I wouldn't assume a colleague's partner was stalking if we bumped onto one another on a night out - certainly not if the colleague was pleased to see them. In the scenario that he was embarassed because he thought it seemed stalker-y, then he's the one who's made it look that way by reacting so negatively!

So he's made a fool of himself - if he'd just said hi and you'd gone on your way no one would have thought anything of it. Now he's made a scene they might actually go 'Oooh, bit of an atmosphere between Mr @Anonymous881 and his wife! What's that about?!' What a dumbass he was about this

Some of these answers are beyond batshit. When someone tells their spouse to fuck of as they are embarrassing, who the fuck says ooh bit of an atmosphere and thinks that’s the thing to worry about.

and some of the others, were you roaring drunk, are you less attractive than him. Some folks really need to raise their bar.and at least take the time to read the ops posts.

he told her to fuck off. That she was an embarrassment. That his colleagues didn’t know he was married. That some even asked her if she was sure she was married to him. He’s furious with her, said she shouldn’t have said hi. That she’s ruined his work life balance.

The man is married with a kid, he abused his wife in front of his colleagues, doubled down on it when he got home and doesn’t tell people he’s married.

on what planet is it her fault.

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:41

So very rare both out together

and neither you nOr SIL had any idea where he was

and * I was tipsy but I wasn't loud, rude, horrible,*

im always a little 🤔 about level of drunkenness when someone describes the self as “tipsy”!

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:42

Op

he was and is abysmal

but be honest - you made a beeline to the venue specifically to introduce yourself
and
You were more than tipsy

I will say it again - no one will judge you!

ScribblingPixie · 29/04/2023 10:44

I'm sorry to say that in this situation my marriage would be over, unless my husband turned it around - organising a social life together, showing me clearly that he was happy and proud to be married to me and making that clear to the world too. My reaction would be I'm out of this relationship because I'm worth more, and it's up to you whether you want to win me back by showing me you deserve me. I'm so sorry, OP, but don't accept it as normal.

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 10:45

So when I say tipsy I could feel I had a drink. I was perfectly aware of my surroundings.
I get people want to try and give an opinion on both sides to understand like I asked but I was responding to someone asking me if I was loud /rude/horrible,not me insinuating I am like this or have ever been.

OP posts:
JoanThursday1972 · 29/04/2023 10:47

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:42

Op

he was and is abysmal

but be honest - you made a beeline to the venue specifically to introduce yourself
and
You were more than tipsy

I will say it again - no one will judge you!

Are you suggesting the OP had suspicions and headed to the same place to check stuff out?

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 10:48

If this situation was the other way round, I'd be happy he came over to say hi. My colleagues know all about him and our child.

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:48

Op

one question m
did you know he was there and specifically went there for that reason?

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:48

JoanThursday1972 · 29/04/2023 10:47

Are you suggesting the OP had suspicions and headed to the same place to check stuff out?

Show quote history

Correct

Over40Overdating · 29/04/2023 10:49

@Anonymous881 so sorry you were treated like this.

The fact he is apologising despite sticking to the embarrassment stuff shows he knows he was in the wrong.

The fact his colleagues sought you out after he told you to fuck off, and reassured you you hadn’t embarrassed him, shows what a dick he was.
He’s the one who has embarrassed himself : his colleagues know he’s nasty, his SiL knows and by extension other members of the family will. No decent person behaves like this to their partner.

As a pp said once contempt creeps in, a relationship is usually on its last legs.

You sound like a kind, caring, supportive partner. You deserve the same.

And please ignore the people trying to trip you up & find a reason to blame you - some on here are so in thrall to men, their brains are warped.

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 10:49

We walked by the pubs and he was sat outside the front of it

OP posts:
5128gap · 29/04/2023 10:49

It can be awkward when partners or family members show up in front of colleagues, as a lot of people act very differently in different settings. It's also a bit of a coincidence you turned up, so maybe he felt spied on.But that's me being extremely and uncharacteristically generous, so enough of that!
How he treated you was appalling, whatever his thoughts. And the fact people didn't know he was married is a huge concern. The men I've worked with who it comes as a surprise to find they're married have invariably been flirty, inappropriate and up for affairs; and the omission of their relationship status is deliberate. Even the most private person tends to drop the odd 'my wife' into the conversation when they spend 40 hours a week with you, and socialise with you too.

Original poster
Anonymous881 · 29/04/2023 10:49

*pub

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 29/04/2023 10:50

Bamboozleme · 29/04/2023 10:41

So very rare both out together

and neither you nOr SIL had any idea where he was

and * I was tipsy but I wasn't loud, rude, horrible,*

im always a little 🤔 about level of drunkenness when someone describes the self as “tipsy”!

It's really quite astonishing the amount of posters (who I am presuming are women) intent on making out it must've been OP's fault that her DH told her to FO in front of his colleagues in a public place. 🙄 There's no bloody excusing such shitty behaviour!

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/04/2023 10:51

In his head, you've ruined his 'work persona'. Diddums.