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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
thirdfiddle · 28/04/2023 20:42

Kids do that, mum does something they don't quite like, they cry for dad. Dad does something they don't quite like, they cry for mum. It doesn't mean they need rescuing. Good parents work as a team and don't undermine each other. And clearly there's been a lot of that if OP even thought to lock the door.

VintageBlossomHill · 28/04/2023 20:43

Poor child. You’re right you’re both traumatising f**kwits. Well done.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:43

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 20:34

And the child was safe?

Kids cry for their other parent all the time. What are they meant to do? Intervene every time? Not go out just in case? Run home from work because they want Daddy?

Certainly not put their fist through a fucking door? I've never read anything as batshit psychotic as I have with people on here defending a violent man? Am I dreaming? Have I entered an alternate world where smashing down a door and scaring your child because they said "I want Daddy" (which is a perfectly normal, not alarming thing for a child to say) is perfectly normal behaviour?

I tell you what IS normal though... locking the bathroom door when you are helping your child take a shit in a perfectly normal and calm manner. And I am disgusted that people think THATS the weird thing here.

Show quote history

Oh thank goodness for your comments. These replies are so OTT that I was questioning my sanity for a moment.

Reugny · 28/04/2023 20:43

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 20:34

And the child was safe?

Kids cry for their other parent all the time. What are they meant to do? Intervene every time? Not go out just in case? Run home from work because they want Daddy?

Certainly not put their fist through a fucking door? I've never read anything as batshit psychotic as I have with people on here defending a violent man? Am I dreaming? Have I entered an alternate world where smashing down a door and scaring your child because they said "I want Daddy" (which is a perfectly normal, not alarming thing for a child to say) is perfectly normal behaviour?

I tell you what IS normal though... locking the bathroom door when you are helping your child take a shit in a perfectly normal and calm manner. And I am disgusted that people think THATS the weird thing here.

Show quote history

I never lock the door in my house when my DD is doing a poo.

I also don't lock it our close friends houses.

And sometimes not in public due to the amount of space in the cubicle. Instead I block it.

randomuser2020 · 28/04/2023 20:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:44

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 20:34

And the child was safe?

Kids cry for their other parent all the time. What are they meant to do? Intervene every time? Not go out just in case? Run home from work because they want Daddy?

Certainly not put their fist through a fucking door? I've never read anything as batshit psychotic as I have with people on here defending a violent man? Am I dreaming? Have I entered an alternate world where smashing down a door and scaring your child because they said "I want Daddy" (which is a perfectly normal, not alarming thing for a child to say) is perfectly normal behaviour?

I tell you what IS normal though... locking the bathroom door when you are helping your child take a shit in a perfectly normal and calm manner. And I am disgusted that people think THATS the weird thing here.

Show quote history

He wasn't just saying he wanted daddy. When people start making things up you know there is a problem with their argument.

The OP didn't lock the door as a normal thing she does when she takes her son to the toilet, she did as a deliberate act to exclude her husband and when her husband asked her to unlock the door she refused.

Bulbnotbolb · 28/04/2023 20:44

thirdfiddle · 28/04/2023 20:42

Kids do that, mum does something they don't quite like, they cry for dad. Dad does something they don't quite like, they cry for mum. It doesn't mean they need rescuing. Good parents work as a team and don't undermine each other. And clearly there's been a lot of that if OP even thought to lock the door.

OH my gosh, how can people on a forum claim others aren't good parents? this is one situation, as if none of us have ever had situations we regret? get a fucking grip all of you

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 20:44

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 20:34

And the child was safe?

Kids cry for their other parent all the time. What are they meant to do? Intervene every time? Not go out just in case? Run home from work because they want Daddy?

Certainly not put their fist through a fucking door? I've never read anything as batshit psychotic as I have with people on here defending a violent man? Am I dreaming? Have I entered an alternate world where smashing down a door and scaring your child because they said "I want Daddy" (which is a perfectly normal, not alarming thing for a child to say) is perfectly normal behaviour?

I tell you what IS normal though... locking the bathroom door when you are helping your child take a shit in a perfectly normal and calm manner. And I am disgusted that people think THATS the weird thing here.

Show quote history

It wasn't in a perfectly normal and calm manner, the child had been upset and crying for 10 minutes, and she was refusing to open the door.

Clarefromwork · 28/04/2023 20:46

Hope you get it sorted, it sounds really stressful for you all.

We all make mistakes when we are tired/stressed. Hope you get a good night sleep and can try again tomorrow

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:46

thirdfiddle · 28/04/2023 20:42

Kids do that, mum does something they don't quite like, they cry for dad. Dad does something they don't quite like, they cry for mum. It doesn't mean they need rescuing. Good parents work as a team and don't undermine each other. And clearly there's been a lot of that if OP even thought to lock the door.

The parent they are calling for isn't normally locked out though are they? I've brought up 4 and never locked a door to prevent their father coming in.

Energydrink · 28/04/2023 20:46

I can’t believe you locked his father out… and your are now on mumsnet claiming victim.

Telling your son that daddy was naughty is so stupid… you were also very ‘naughty’ too!

imagine if the roles were reversed and your DP locked you out, on purpose. You knew he would be coming for his son - he acted instinctively and you were manipulative - you owe your husband and apology

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:47

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

You don't think it is controlling to lock the father out and refuse to unlock the door when he asks you to? Sounds controlling to me.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:47

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:40

I guess some of us are more protective of our children than others.

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What kind of people are you bringing around your children that you'd want to smash doors down to get to your children? That is so not normal. You can dress it up anyway you like...'protective'? Really, yeah keep fooling yourself.

endofthelinefinally · 28/04/2023 20:48

Constipation and with-holding is a family problem and is as much psychological as physical. It takes at least twice as long as the problem has existed to fix it and everyone has to be on the same page.
That means using the ERIC website and their free help line and watching the Poo Nurses video all the way to the end and implementing the advice.
Be aware that there are lots of reasons for this particular problem and you need to explore all of them.
You will never solve this issue if your husband isn't fully on board.
Your son is 3. You really need to work hard at this before he goes to school.
It can be fixed, but it takes work and commitment.
I hope you can move forward and work as a team.
Good luck.
I have been where you are and it took a couple of years to resolve things, but we got there in the end.

EasterIssland · 28/04/2023 20:48

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:29

I think the idea of a child crying for you and another adult having locked the door so you can't get to them is going to be very distressing. The fact that you refused to open the door when he asked you to would be even more distressing Yes I can see why I'd want to break the door open in that situation,I probably couldn't as I'm not that strong but then again if my child was in that situation I might find the strength

"Another adult"? It was the child's mother, not a random adult who locked the door. Some of these replies are absolutely insane, really very worrying. You're actually admitting that if your child's other parent locked the door in the toilet(to help them without distraction), you'd like to be able to smash the door down. That's so out of the norm that I just can't comprehend it.

Let’s change the sexes. If the man was in the loo with the child who is crying and begging for his mum. Wouldn’t the mum try anything in order to rescue the child from that situation?
the mum is the only one here that has failed the child. She should be the big adult and realised that pooing on the toilet is a process you can’t force but have to give the child trust so they feel secure they can do it. Locking themselves in and rejecting to open the door when the dad asks them to has made things worse than what should be a calm process

blackteaplease · 28/04/2023 20:48

@Burstdoor soujds like you and DH arebpretty stressed by the situation. How long has your gp been prescribing medication for the withholding? According to the NICE guidelines if treatment doesn't work withon 3 months you should be referred to a specialist team. https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg99/chapter/Introduction

Sounds like your ds needs to be seen by the bladder and bowel team who are more knowledgeable than the gp and can help with disimpaction and maintenance doses of laxatives

Introduction | Constipation in children and young people: diagnosis and management | Guidance | NICE

https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg99/chapter/Introduction

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:49

I never lock the door in my house when my DD is doing a poo

I also don't lock it our close friends houses

😂FFS.

CustardySergeant · 28/04/2023 20:49

SorePaw · 28/04/2023 20:34

@Plbrookes if he was that living and caring he wouldn't have smashed the door down to prove HE has ALL the control because he's bigger & stronger. Neanderthal

Show quote history

Referring to him smashing the door down, makes it sound like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He forced the locked door so the lock broke, he didn't get an axe and demolish it.

randomuser2020 · 28/04/2023 20:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Theunamedcat · 28/04/2023 20:50

Energydrink · 28/04/2023 20:46

I can’t believe you locked his father out… and your are now on mumsnet claiming victim.

Telling your son that daddy was naughty is so stupid… you were also very ‘naughty’ too!

imagine if the roles were reversed and your DP locked you out, on purpose. You knew he would be coming for his son - he acted instinctively and you were manipulative - you owe your husband and apology

Seriously she does not the normal response is

Open the door
No
Why?
Because he needs an extra minute
But he is crying
Just give me a second we are almost there

Not open the door
No
SMASH AND DRAMA

Abacusporttaco · 28/04/2023 20:51

Why is your husband constantly taking him off the toilet?

FictionalCharacter · 28/04/2023 20:52

The child doesn't just have a bit of constipation, he has a serious withholding habit, which is far harder to deal with. People are missing this. He will inevitably get distressed when he's about to pass impacted stools because it hurts. But the stool has to be passed despite the pain, otherwise the problem gets worse and worse. So if one parent (DH) swoops in when DS is about to go but is crying, because he wants to "rescue" him from the distress, the problem will take longer to solve.
@Burstdoor When DH does this "rescuing" because DS is crying, does he not see that he's perpetuating the problem? What does he think will happen when he does this? What does he think should be done to help your son?

Killerqveef · 28/04/2023 20:52

When your kid withholds their poo it can be so stressful to even know how to react each and every day. You don’t want to pressure them, but at the same time you are so desperate for them to do something.

DS finally ‘got over‘ it at 4.5.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but one day this will all be a distant memory. In the meantime, patience and sachets are the answer

Verbena17 · 28/04/2023 20:54

Your Dh was wrong & now sitting on the toilet trying to poop could be more of a trigger than previously.
However, best to move on and apologise to your DS. Tell him that mummy and daddy were not kind to each other or DS and then if I were you, I’d ask your GP to refer you to CAMHS or the local incontinence nursing team. I would say he’s needing some sort of play therapy etc and CAMHS would possibly facilitate that.

In the mean time, once his stimulant laxative works, I’d then look at getting Gp to prescribe Movicol twice daily or whatever he needs - DD (now 20’s) had it twice daily from potty training at 18 months to 10yrs. It takes a very king time for a stretched colon to return to normal as you’re aware.

It’s obviously taking its toll on you and it is extremely stressful to have a chronically constipated child. Hope you have good family support to give you some time out together - sounds like you and Dh could do with you some time alone for a nice meal out or a movie etc.

Abacusporttaco · 28/04/2023 20:54

When DH does this "rescuing" because DS is crying, does he not see that he's perpetuating the problem? What does he think will happen when he does this? What does he think should be done to help your son?

Quite. He’s doing his daddy heroic bollocks to win favour and cuddles, knowing full-well he won’t actually have to deal with his son’s quite severe bowel habit and problem.