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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:29

I think the idea of a child crying for you and another adult having locked the door so you can't get to them is going to be very distressing. The fact that you refused to open the door when he asked you to would be even more distressing Yes I can see why I'd want to break the door open in that situation,I probably couldn't as I'm not that strong but then again if my child was in that situation I might find the strength

"Another adult"? It was the child's mother, not a random adult who locked the door. Some of these replies are absolutely insane, really very worrying. You're actually admitting that if your child's other parent locked the door in the toilet(to help them without distraction), you'd like to be able to smash the door down. That's so out of the norm that I just can't comprehend it.

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 20:29

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 20:28

The child was crying for him?

Show quote history

Yes....because dad won't make him do the scary poo.

Sittingonabench · 28/04/2023 20:30

I don’t agree - I think withholding access to his child who he can hear is crying for him in distress is worse than smashing a lock/door! The distress caused to your husband and your child by the act of locking the door for me is more serious. His actions were out of fear and yours were out of desperation. Both were not great but I don’t think you have the higher ground here. He may accept blame in front of the child but if I were him I would be very upset so maybe approach in a balanced way

AngelinaFibres · 28/04/2023 20:31

SarahAndQuack · 28/04/2023 19:09

You are both to blame.

DD was (is) reluctant about pooing; I know how grim it is (and occasionally, actually frightening and concerning). I have done all the sitting by the toilet with a crying child stuff. And I also get how stressful it can be when you're trying to co-ordinate your parenting with your partner and you're not quite on the same page, especially if you've got a child crying for the other parent, because it does feel upsetting.

But why on earth did you think it was ok to lock the door on your DH?! When your child was crying for his daddy? To be honest, that sounds awfully like you punishing your husband for being the parent your son wants, and ignoring the fact your son clearly wanted his dad just then.

(On a purely practical note, and I know you've probably tried everything, but does a hot bath ever help?)

Youngest son was constipated as a baby/ young child. He had lactulose . The thing that really helped was using gelatine suppositories and putting him in a warm bath with a couple of toys to distract. The combination of suppository and warm water and not being expected to poo ( putting your child on the toilet creates an expectation) meant that he did. Once he started squatting and straining he could be gently moved to the loo, do it on a pile of loo roll on the floor or ,if it was really bad, be left to poop in the bath. It was painful for him and he withheld because it hurt. I was terribly constipated after he was born so I absolutely understood how much it hurt and that he didn't want to have pain so he stopped himself going fir as long as possible. You can whip the toys out of the bath if he starts to go ,let the water out afterwards and put the poo in the loo using paper or old rubber glove. Then give the bath a clean. There will be people who think that's awful but those that have experienced this will understand. It worked brilliantly.

Mischance · 28/04/2023 20:31

For goodness sake get a grip. The key to dealing with toilet problems in young children is to minimize any stress associated with it - now look where you are! There is nothing in this situation that is anywhere near acceptable. Sorry to be blunt, but as I am sure you must know, your son must be very confused now.

You need to go back to square one and discuss a joint strategy that both of you will stick to. Having parents warring over how to handle it is absolutely guaranteed to make things worse.

Hankunamatata · 28/04/2023 20:32

Be kind to yourselves. You shouldn't have locked the door and dh shouldn't have gone into panic mode and forced the door.

Mischance · 28/04/2023 20:32

We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. .... jeez!

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 20:33

You need to go back to square one and discuss a joint strategy that both of you will stick to. Having parents warring over how to handle it is absolutely guaranteed to make things worse.

Clearly this is key. No matter what's happened today, or who's most to blame.
The key is moving forward.

Willmafrockfit · 28/04/2023 20:33

his dad was worried.

Bulbnotbolb · 28/04/2023 20:34

rwalker · 28/04/2023 20:23

You both know you fucked up we’re all human
raking over it and apportioning blame isn’t helpful
draw a line under it and ensure it doesn’t get to this level again

yes I think this post makes the most sense

SorePaw · 28/04/2023 20:34

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 20:10

OP - you need to take your ego out of the equation and realise that while you might disagree with your DH he loves and cares for your child the same way you do.

Show quote history

@Plbrookes if he was that living and caring he wouldn't have smashed the door down to prove HE has ALL the control because he's bigger & stronger. Neanderthal

Willmafrockfit · 28/04/2023 20:34

Bulbnotbolb · 28/04/2023 20:34

yes I think this post makes the most sense

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indeed,
i agree

BitchBrigade · 28/04/2023 20:34

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 20:28

The child was crying for him?

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And the child was safe?

Kids cry for their other parent all the time. What are they meant to do? Intervene every time? Not go out just in case? Run home from work because they want Daddy?

Certainly not put their fist through a fucking door? I've never read anything as batshit psychotic as I have with people on here defending a violent man? Am I dreaming? Have I entered an alternate world where smashing down a door and scaring your child because they said "I want Daddy" (which is a perfectly normal, not alarming thing for a child to say) is perfectly normal behaviour?

I tell you what IS normal though... locking the bathroom door when you are helping your child take a shit in a perfectly normal and calm manner. And I am disgusted that people think THATS the weird thing here.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 28/04/2023 20:35

LysHastighed · 28/04/2023 19:55

You aren’t both in the wrong. One of you did something a little odd (locking the door) and one of you did something completely deranged (breaking the door down). You did what you did with good intentions, to help your child. It sounds like your husband did it to punish or frighten you. These things are not the same.

This. I’m sorry you are getting such a hard time from posters who don’t seem to have the slightest understanding of how stressful it is.

LizzieSiddal · 28/04/2023 20:36

I hope you’re having a very long chat with you H. The pair of you need to actually listen to each other and work out what the dick went on.
There’s something really odd going on that a. you’d lock the door and b. he’d smash it in.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:36

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:21

How did he know his son was safe. His wife says she's exhausted and stressed and she locks herself in a bathroom with a child who is crying and calling for his dad and then she refuses to open the door when he asks her to. Sounds like it could have been very unsafe, thankfully it wasn't but why would you wait in that situation?

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Don't be so bloody ridiculous and dramatic. "How did he know his son was safe?" Fucking hell.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:38

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 20:28

The child was crying for him?

Show quote history

So what? It's quite normal for 3 year olds to cry. Do you have children?

Inkypot · 28/04/2023 20:38

I feel for you OP. Mumsnet will always bring out the people who delight in making you feel even worse than you already did.

You know that neither of you were exactly king in this scenario. You know you are exhausted and struggling with a situation that is difficult on you all. You are worried for your little one and you're trying the best way you can think of in the moment, albeit maybe a bit misguided.

I would encourage you to speak with your doctor and/or health visitor regarding the withholding poo. It could be an indication of anxiety or a possible neurodivergence or it could be any number of other things causing him to withhold his poo.
This won't be forever. He will get there and so will you.

Your son will not be eternally traumatised by this experience, it was ultimately a misunderstanding in a heated moment with two very tired, worried, scared parents.
Please don't let the comments get too into your head. Go cuddle your son, have a cuddle with your husband, and allow yourselves to acknowledge that maybe you all need to find a new approach together to make this easier on all of you. Best of luck.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 28/04/2023 20:38

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:58

We've been on laxido for years. I think even as a baby he was constipated and that stretched his colon and so now he can really hold a lot of poop his tummy gets huge and he stops eating.
I just got a new prescription of a stimulant laxative tonight so hopefully that works tomorrow

Show quote history

My DC is just 4 and very similar to this. It's so stressful so I really feel for you. We had a long long time of withholding then poo accidents and it was so hard for us all. Especially on the days when you knew it was so close to coming out and they are so uncomfortable and panicking!

Oddly DC said on her 4th birthday , I think big girls poo every day and she's been much better since that day. Somehow the fear of doing a poo reduced (we were in a good place of getting softer stools at that point which massively helped too).
We've had a bit of relapses here or there, eg when we cut down her movicol too fast or after an illness. However we got back on track faster each time.

Last summer I was at the end of my tether with it all so I understand. Yes the situation you had was not ideal but I can see how you get to that point.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 28/04/2023 20:39

trevthecat · 28/04/2023 18:54

You have turned pooing into a punishment. Its not going to help at all. You are wrong to leave him crying on the toilet

This.

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:39

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 20:28

Because he knows and trusts his wife?

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Maybe he doesn't, maybe his wife locking him out of the bathroom while his child is crying and calling for him has damaged his trust in her.

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:40

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:29

I think the idea of a child crying for you and another adult having locked the door so you can't get to them is going to be very distressing. The fact that you refused to open the door when he asked you to would be even more distressing Yes I can see why I'd want to break the door open in that situation,I probably couldn't as I'm not that strong but then again if my child was in that situation I might find the strength

"Another adult"? It was the child's mother, not a random adult who locked the door. Some of these replies are absolutely insane, really very worrying. You're actually admitting that if your child's other parent locked the door in the toilet(to help them without distraction), you'd like to be able to smash the door down. That's so out of the norm that I just can't comprehend it.

I guess some of us are more protective of our children than others.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:40

I don’t agree - I think withholding access to his child who he can hear is crying for him in distress is worse than smashing a lock/door!

WTF is going on with this thread? Seriously!

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:41

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 20:29

Yes....because dad won't make him do the scary poo.

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You can't "make" a child poo, if you could he wouldn't have gone ten days without pooing would he.

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 20:41

I guess some of us are more protective of our children than others.

Honestly have you heard yourself?