DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

[Burstdoor]

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

I am a very peaceful person and I'd have battered the door down too in that situation (if DH had locked the door so I couldn't get to one of the children who was crying for me).

@Burstdoor My children are now all grown up so there were no apps around when they were little, so we had to solve these problems without such things - but I think I must have experienced every childhood problem on the planet. All I can say is that is if something is a big deal, you need to do everything you can not to make it a bigger deal. You are making withholding a bigger deal than it already is (and I know it's a real problem), and as a result, your husband has made it an even bigger deal than that.

Daddy was not "naughty". You both mishandled this, big style, and you will only have made the problem worse between you. You need professional help to work out, between you, how to get through this. Apps aren't going to be the answer, though.

100%

Alarmed by all the people justifying smashing doors.
You were in the wrong...your husband was much more in the wrong for smashing doors up.

Try not to be too hard on yourselves. Yes it wasn’t great behaviour but it was done by both of you out of concern from your son.

When my daughter was 4 me and my husband fell out in front of her (normally would try not to), it was coming up to the anniversary of a bereavement and he started angrily crying, he rarely cries and it was awful. My daughter was distraught. I felt like we’d damaged her for life. We talked a lot, never repeated it snd I have to hope she doesn’t remember it. I do sympathise x

A pediatric microenema, bought online, approved by a private gastroenterologist, squirted up their bottom. A bit weird at first but I actually felt it was much less intrusive than filling them up with movicol etc, which she hated drinking anyway.

We have used suppositories before and we did actually use one for the last time he pooped. But again he is afraid of them "don't put anything up my bum mummy". So I want to hold off for now. I want to see what the picosulphate will do tomorrow. It's a shame he was holding his tummy as he fell asleep :( I am certain we will see it happen tomorrow.

have you tried a potty which might make it easier, ie, more of a squat?

Rather than you sitting in the bathroom with him, could you not just give him a little book to look at and then leave him on his own for a bit? Just keep checking now and again through the doorway (leave ajar). Then if he can’t go, say ‘ok, off you get, we can try again a bit later’. Having you sit there the whole time, might be off putting.

Best thing now is to start over and do your best to not make a thing about going to the bathroom. Your worry and rules and trying too hard to make a routine subconsciously pressure him. You’re a great mom, it is natural to want to fix this issue. Your son was crying out his daddy’s name and you loved the door and said NO he can’t come in, and daddy couldn’t get to his little boy. I think he is a great dad to do whatever he could to get to him when clearly he was screaming for him. Both of you love your son dearly and acted out of love so no need for either to apologize or forgive, just move on. All this just traumatizes the subject for Ds even more unless you take emphasis off of it. Do the medicines etc and routine but add yourselves in, like, at certain times all three of you go “try” don’t make it something to single him out for.

I hope it resolves soon! Awful to have to worry about it, you want him to be ok💐

I really sympathise with you. We were in exactly the same situation as you when our son was 3/4 - it was extremely distressing. And it caused a lot of stress between me and my husband, which is what I see from your post. The whole getting them to sit on the toilet without it becoming an issue or stressful for them was so hard, so I understand perfectly why you would react like you did if you thought he was so close to having a poo. I probably came close to doing something similar myself - don't beat yourself up about it. It wasn't the best move to lock the door, but in the heat of the moment, I can understand why that happened. On the other hand, I think your husband overreacted massively. He understands the situation and how precarious and stressful it is, and how sensitively you have to go about it, so why the hell did he think that breaking down the door would help? He knew what you were both doing in there, and even though your son was crying, he would surely know getting the poo out would be better for your son than him barging in? You both need to sit down and have a long discussion about his anger in this situation and why he felt the need to do what he did. I really hope your little boy gets better soon. My son seemed to grow out of it after being on medicine for a year or so. We still have to give him some suryp of figs now and again to move things along. Good luck to you.

The one good thing about this is that your son knows that when he needs his dad and calls out for him, he will come no matter what. Ds will also know that his mother cares about him and is trying to make him well. So try to look at what good you can from this. I hope the issue resolved soon, how stressful each day is for you right now.

Wow seriously this whole scenario is completely wrong. You were both in the wrong regardless of whose actions were more scary.
If your child is having issues withholding their poop the worst thing u can do is put pressure on them by forcing them to sit on a toilet. He was clearly in distress, no matter how near pooping he was, hence the shouting for his daddy. If you don’t change how you handle this situation it’s going to cause life long issues for your child.

Flip this around. Your husband is in there with your son, refusing you, his mother, access to him. You would move heaven and earth to get to your child, especially if they are crying for you. God knows what the parent could be doing. I’m not remotely violent but you can bet I would do whatever it took to get to my child. I’ve been there with the toilet situation. It’s so stressful, I completely get that, but you cannot deny access to the other parent. I hope you can all move past this

Me and DH had a talk. He apologised, said he saw he had scared me. He said Ds was smiling at DH when DH entered the bathroom as if the whole thing was quite amusing so I'm hoping that goes towards not traumatising him.

DH said he heard Ds calling for him, that he'd done the sitting time and felt I was focused on Ds doing the poo and putting pressure on him.
I said It seemed like Ds was super close to pooping and I didn't want it interrupted. I asked him why he thought to burst into the room. He said he didn't actually expect the skirting bit to come off the wall. The lock has two screws but there's only one in it so he expected the lock to just ping off. He said he just bumped the door with his hip. He said he wasn't angry he just wanted to get ds off the toilet.

He said we had just agreed on not keeping him on longer than ten mins a few days ago, and that he'd already told me the ten minutes were up but I was keeping Ds on longer and not sticking to the plan. I said yes because I felt he was going to do a poo. And I do understand it is stressy when your child is crying and calling out for you. But at the same time, they do that because they know they will be rescued!

So basically we agreed we both acted stupidly, that we need to work on being able to stand down at times rather than heighten the situation. We are both just worried about our son

Would you though?
If it was a stranger locked in a bathroom with my crying child then yes, I'd be breaking the door down. But if it was my husband I'd just knock and ask what was going on.

Yeh he doesn't like the potty either. Prefers toilet over potty at least!

SquirrellyTheSquirrel · Today 18:58

I’m really hoping this isn’t your child’s earliest memory as they grow.

🤣🤣🤣 fucking hell dramatic much…!! Jesus OP don’t beat yourself up about it! We’re not perfect… I’ve got frustrated before potty training my kids because it’s FRUSTRATING. Especially when you’re worried about their health.

Your DH was definitely the more unreasonable one what did he suspect you were doing to your son beating him?! Anyway he’ll bring it up for a few months then forget all about it if it’s an unusual situation for his parents. Don’t worry about it.

Sometimes I go out the room just to see if that focuses him bit he always shouts for me or DH to go on with him. We play funny games and blow bubbles and stuff. Wrap my head in tissue paper and he rips it open, I even let him cut my hair just as a way to get him relaxed.

But I think now we are just going to limit the sitting time, not talk about pooing at all. Focus on the drinking and just try and remove all pressure.

You both behaved badly, but DH was extreme. However, sounds like you are well aware of that.
You need a way forward.
It sounds like DS is deliberately withholding, as well as being constipated so laxatives are not necessarily going to work.
A few thoughts: a cousin had the issues you describe and if turned out that she was lactose intolerant as well as poo avoidant, and it got much better when they cut out dairy. I would cut out dairy and maybe wheat /gluten too, go back to basics with with a mainly fruit and veg diet with lots of water,and chicken or fish for protein. No bread but potatoes for carbs.

OP sorry about all the finger-wagging you got at first. My oldest daughter withheld and it remains one of the most stressful and baffling parenting experiences I've had (she's 15 now).

Something I didn't know then but have found very useful since: psyllium seed. Not husks, whole seeds. Really helps make soft but not sloppy poos (not that it can replace the movicol, but for future reference).

Of course the main issue is psychological and I don't really know how our dd got over it. Here's hoping something shifts for your ds. The door-smashing and failure to communicate need addressing, but don't be too hard on yourself.

If her husband is the sort of man to rambo himself through a bathroom door to get in then I very much doubt he would listen to 'her words' when she asked him not to come in.

Posted too soon.
If it could be a fear of letting go, would it be worth putting dc back in nappies for toilet time? Not wearing them all day, just for poo time? It seems a step backwards but if it means they can relax about it, it might be less stressful. This worked for one of my dc.

Interesting. Tha k you for this. He's had laxido well over a year... I'm calling gp next week to get this escalated. We definitely need help

I have a poo withholder - age five and it's starting to get better, although still a drama and still using medication. I feel for you OP, and understand your frustrations. I think your husband was totally in the wrong to break the door down, you were with your son, he should have trusted you to know what you were doing. He has now just added another layer of trauma to the process. I haven't read all the thread, but I think a lot of people responding so far don't know what it's like to have a proper poo withholder. It's heartbreaking, you know if they would just go they'd feel so much better ☹️