Page 7 | DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

Reugny · 28/04/2023 20:11

willWillSmithsmith · 28/04/2023 20:06

I don’t think you should even have a lock on the door when you have a young child. We never did in case one of them decided to lock themselves in.

You can have a lock but the child mustn't be able to reach it.

Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:12

Plbrookes · 28/04/2023 20:10

OP - you need to take your ego out of the equation and realise that while you might disagree with your DH he loves and cares for your child the same way you do.

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Yes I know. We both absolutely dote on him. We both prioritise our children on everything really. We have loads of fun and love and laughter. Contrary to what people may believe on one post on here.

I understand it is shocking and not ideal. This is why I am posting.

OP posts:

Reugny · 28/04/2023 20:13

thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 19:59

I disagree. Your mother thought you were both in the wrong and you were both out of order. OP you keep deflecting and only reply to posters who agree with you. I do wonder if your husband runs to his mother to when he thinks you are out of order.
So many posters have expressed concern at your behaviour but you are deflecting it all onto your husband. You keep saying you are going to tell off your husband tonight. I think you need to also have a word with yourself.

This.

Also small children have a pitch to their voice/cries that can make them sound in distress.

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 20:14

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

You both sound in the wrong. You used force (the door) to over power your husband. You essentially said 'l don't trust you and I'm in charge'
Your husband heard screaming/a commotion and as good as said 'I don't trust you and I'm in charge' and broke the lock and forced the door open. You're son for whatever reason was distraught. He thought you'd let him down. Then his dad comes to 'rescue' him but frightens him. You both let him down and neither of you trust each other!

SorePaw · 28/04/2023 20:14

ArseMenagerie · 28/04/2023 19:39

So why lock the door?

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@ArseMenagerie have you even read the OP's ousts?

Clearly not or you wouldn't be asking!

her DS hasn't had a poo in 10 days, tgats serious.

he was starting to poo & she knew her DH would lift him off the toilet.

she locked to door to prevent this and so DS would poo. In hindsight this wasn't her best idea ever, but when we're exhsusted & frustrated, we don't always make ghe best decisions.

her DH acted like a fucking idiot & scared DS (& her). There was no need, his wife was in there with their child, no one was in danger.

@Burstdoor yep, probably not your finest moment, but I get the exhaustion, frustration & worry. There was no need for DH to act like such a twat, none at all.

Does he understand how ill not pooing could make DS, or does he just think it's not a big deal?

it's good you're going to follow up on other things that might be causing it.

I'm sure you've heard all of this before, but...

Does DS have suppositories ? It needs to be 'softened' from both ends, not just orally. I see you write he won't poo in a nappy, but have you tried or asked him if he'd prefer to go in his pants or in the garden or a potty. Sometimes they're scared of losing it down the toilet. Another thing that can work is getting them to crouch, rather than sit. It's a much more natural position to poo.

it's very very frustrating when you'd got to a pretty good place, only to be set back by illness, but you will get there again.

I'd apologise for locking DH out, explain why you did it & see what he says. I'd expect a complete apology for his ridiculous behaviour & for him to say how he's going to deal with the door, & a promise not to do anything like it again, it was pure aggression to show his physical superiority.

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:15

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:06

And this is the bit I am concerned about. Because if DH locked me out I'd probably be angry but I certainly wouldn't try and smash the door down.

I have definitely thought at times "DH won't like that" but he is is generally a kind and caring and patient man.
Only one time I can remember being shocked and scared was when he made a kind of growl at me when we had ds2 and both of us were tired. I think I was trying to get my opinion over to him and he just lurched over the bed, crazy eyes and made a growl to me.

That was about a year ago. Nothing before or after. We've been together 10 years.

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I think the idea of a child crying for you and another adult having locked the door so you can't get to them is going to be very distressing. The fact that you refused to open the door when he asked you to would be even more distressing. Yes I can see why I'd want to break the door open in that situation, I probably couldn't as I'm not that strong but then again if my child was in that situation I might find the strength.

Original poster

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 20:15

thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 19:59

I disagree. Your mother thought you were both in the wrong and you were both out of order. OP you keep deflecting and only reply to posters who agree with you. I do wonder if your husband runs to his mother to when he thinks you are out of order.
So many posters have expressed concern at your behaviour but you are deflecting it all onto your husband. You keep saying you are going to tell off your husband tonight. I think you need to also have a word with yourself.

I'm not deflecting anything. I have said we were BOTH in the wrong.
I am worried about what DS will remember. I am worried if it will have even more of an impact to the witholding etc.

I told my mum because I was in shock
If DH said to his mum I locked the door I don't believe it's as bad as saying I'd smashed the door in.

OP posts:

Clarabell77 · 28/04/2023 20:16

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 28/04/2023 19:11

Deep breath op.

Obviously both you and your dh are caring parents and we all fuck up even the self preening wonderful parents on this thread.

But you both need to chill a bit. Look at this way you won't need a poo app when he's 5/6!. These problems iron out to get new ones that's parenthood.

Keep calm both of you and dial the emotion down.

Your son will be absolutely
fine. He's 3!!

This.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:16

I would go out of my mind if my DH locked the door and refused access

Why? If my DH locked the door and said "just a few mins, I think he's going to 'go'...surely that's good news?

OP I think your DHs actions were a damned disgrace. Just another example of a man using his physical strength to put a woman in her place. He absolutely knew your son was safe, whether he was crying or not. He let you know tonight that what he wants goes.

sagrose1998 · 28/04/2023 20:17

I think your husbands reaction was completely over the top, there was no need for him to smash the door down he knew you were in the bathroom with your son trying to help him have a much needed poop and not in any danger so there was no need for him to react in such an aggressive way that ended up scaring your son and most probably scared you.

pyjamalife · 28/04/2023 20:18

MichelleScarn · 28/04/2023 18:56

So you're child has issues and fears re toileting, he is distressed and crying for his dad who you've locked out of the bathroom and you are not letting the child off the loo and you think YOU are right?!
Absolutely I'd be coming through a door if my child was distressed and crying for me.

Adding my agreeing to this, hands down I would better the door down.

Would consider leaving with my child, too.

I don't think DH was in the wrong, his child was calling for him and he made damn sure he got there. There was only one in the wrong here, sorry.

alyceflowers · 28/04/2023 20:19

Locking the door instead of talking to your DH wasn't the best choice, admittedly.
If my DH had done that in similar circumstances I'd have been really cross about it.

Smashing through the door and terrifying your wife and child is an absolutely crazy reaction though, and not something that expresses love or care.

weightymatters73 · 28/04/2023 20:19

@Burstdoor You need to have a read of the movicol/laxido protocol - for a child that age its
day 1 - 2 sachets
day 2 - 4 sachets
day 3 - 4 sachets
day 4 - 6 sachets
day 5 - 6 sachets
day 6 - 8 sachets
day 7 - 8 sachets

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/parents-guide-to-disimpaction/

A parent's guide to disimpaction - ERIC

Step by step instructions on how to correctly use macrogol laxatives to treat children who are chronically constipated. A disimpaction regime uses laxatives in large quantities to clear out accumulated poo.

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/parents-guide-to-disimpaction

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:21

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:16

I would go out of my mind if my DH locked the door and refused access

Why? If my DH locked the door and said "just a few mins, I think he's going to 'go'...surely that's good news?

OP I think your DHs actions were a damned disgrace. Just another example of a man using his physical strength to put a woman in her place. He absolutely knew your son was safe, whether he was crying or not. He let you know tonight that what he wants goes.

How did he know his son was safe. His wife says she's exhausted and stressed and she locks herself in a bathroom with a child who is crying and calling for his dad and then she refuses to open the door when he asks her to. Sounds like it could have been very unsafe, thankfully it wasn't but why would you wait in that situation?

Clarabell77 · 28/04/2023 20:22

These probiotics really helped my son, he was very constipated and used to withhold.

BioGaia Protectis Probiotic Drops 5ml Suitable For NewBorn Babies To Balance Baby's Gut. Contains BioGaia Patented Lactobacillus Reuteri DSM 17398 https://amzn.eu/d/9jMqmSb

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 28/04/2023 20:23

A very cheerful, encouraging "one moment daddy, x is just about to do his poo! Isn't he brilliant?!" Would have really been your best bet.

My son was the same at this age, we went on disimpaction regimes, suppositries, ect, building to 8 sachets a day that he wouldn't take (asd). I think anything that comes out now will be soft and overflow from the blockage.

My son got blue lighted in to hospital on day ten when he spiked a fever over 40, shallow breathing etc. He had xrays and he was massively compacted. He has two enemas but they were considering surgery. His bowel was stretched to rugby ball shape but he would just insist he was in no pain, and wouldn't take the drinks. I know it's hard, but please keep a close eye on him with the bank holiday coming up for similar signs.

Olive19741205 · 28/04/2023 20:23

thespottedunicorn · 28/04/2023 20:01

I also wonder how posters would react to a Dad locking a mother out of a room because he thought he could deal with a situation better than her. There would be outrage.

Why do they both need to be there? OP was dealing with it. But no, he decides to smash a door in. You obviously think that's ok, I don't. If my DH was dealing with the same scenario, I'd leave him to it. I wouldn't be so controlling as to insist he needed me to be there too.

TeaserandtheFirecat · 28/04/2023 20:23

Only one time I can remember being shocked and scared was when he made a kind of growl at me when we had ds2 and both of us were tired. I think I was trying to get my opinion over to him and he just lurched over the bed, crazy eyes and made a growl to me.

So he loses control and turns feral under stress

rwalker · 28/04/2023 20:23

You both know you fucked up we’re all human
raking over it and apportioning blame isn’t helpful
draw a line under it and ensure it doesn’t get to this level again

Stuf · 28/04/2023 20:25

the locked door was fine, lots of people lock the door while inside. Breaking the door is crazy.

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 20:28

Stuf · 28/04/2023 20:25

the locked door was fine, lots of people lock the door while inside. Breaking the door is crazy.

The child was crying for him?

teraculum29 · 28/04/2023 20:28

Hopefully your son will poo soon.

it's worth including in the diet a sauerkraut and sauerkraut water, Sauer gherkins and water from it (usually found in polish section in asda or Tesco) or polish shop if you have one near you.

Those products are extremely healthy, natural and full of electrolytes and very helpful with digestion (big help when you are constipated).

MichaelAndEagle · 28/04/2023 20:28

Iwasafool · 28/04/2023 20:21

How did he know his son was safe. His wife says she's exhausted and stressed and she locks herself in a bathroom with a child who is crying and calling for his dad and then she refuses to open the door when he asks her to. Sounds like it could have been very unsafe, thankfully it wasn't but why would you wait in that situation?

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Because he knows and trusts his wife?

ArseMenagerie · 28/04/2023 20:29

I feel like on some level you knew you’d have to lock him out to get autonomy and that’s not ok… he’s been aggressive and it’s weird. But as a pp said - you’re both under strain. I don’t want you to minimise violence though.?it’s not your fault: his was an extreme overreaction.

NoraBattysCurlers · 28/04/2023 20:29

On the whole we are usually on the same page but I do think DH is super quick to come to DS if he is crying.

This one sentence says everything about the situation.