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Original poster

DH burst through a locked door. In also to blame

407 replies

Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 18:43

Just trying to get this all down fairly quickly after it has happened. I'm upstairs needing a quiet five mins and my head is all over the place.

Our son 3.5 is a poo witholder and it is particularly bad right now. I am absolutely exhausted right now, and I guess I'm just so fed up with the witholding that I just lost patience.

So I had DS on the toilet and I showed him the poo goes to pooland app. My son was getting upset even watching it because he would likely do a poo if he did. So he was crying and saying he wanted daddy. Usually we give him 10 mins of sitting time then take him off. But I felt DS was sooooo close to pooping that I went and locked the door so my husband couldn't come in and take our son off the toilet. Son was crying for daddy saying he wanted off. DH tried the door and found it to be locked. He told me to unlock it and I said no.
Next thing I know he has punched the door in and the sort of frame where the lock was joine to has broken off the doorway.
Obviously this was scary to DS who was crying a lot at this point. I took ds off the toilet and there was a bit of soft poop around his bum so got it cleaned but I'm so fucked off because clearly he was close to doing a full poo and this whole episode has fucked it now AND our son is confused as to why daddy broke the door.
We downplayed the whole thing and have said daddy is naughty. DH has apologised.
But I messaged my mum and she's just telling me both are in the wrong.
I feel like, yes my action of locking the door and refusing to unlock it wasn't great but that doesn't mean it's ok to fucking smash through it in desperation to get to DS?

OP posts:
Happiestathome · 28/04/2023 21:25

@alyceflowers OP’s husband asked to enter and she said no. I’m afraid that would not be ok with me personally

alyceflowers · 28/04/2023 21:26

Happiestathome · 28/04/2023 21:25

@alyceflowers OP’s husband asked to enter and she said no. I’m afraid that would not be ok with me personally

If you are genuinely that worried about your husband I'm not sure it's a good idea to have him around your children at all.

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 28/04/2023 21:27

I have been there with the poo withholding/encropresis , so totally understand why you reacted why you did. It's NOT a good day in the grand scheme of things. But that's it...its a bad day. You won't lock DH out again and he will listen when you say just wait a minute. This will not have a long lasting impact on DS if you don't make a further issue of it. It's very hard when you're both worried about DS and you both have different approaches to dealing with it.

OneFlipflopleft · 28/04/2023 21:31

Good for you both, very good to be able to talk about this and it turned out to be a mistake on dh's side; not wanting to smash the door in. I do not think your son will remember this situation as a very bad one, more of a funny one, seeing dad fly through the door, if he will remember at all.
You should try to forget it too. Nothing wrong with what you did. Perhaps the unexpectancy made him poo a little, who knows.
having a child with an illness is most stressful.
I am happy for you, that you are able to talk with your husband. Keep that up. Is my best advise. Me and my dh did not, too much stress, plus not being on the same page, anger, tiredness, resentment. Even though we both came from the same place: love for our sick child.

Rosebel · 28/04/2023 21:33

I don't don't have any experience of this but after 10 days does he not need to be in hospital? It's a long time for anyone especially a 3 year old.
Sorry if that's completely wrong advice. I do think you were wrong to lock the door but I think your DH should have left you alone. Surely he wants DS to poo too? Because his actions are saying otherwise and that's worrying.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 28/04/2023 21:35

Your son's constipation is a symptom of a deeper problem that I can see you're not willing to look at fully yet.

Your son is somatising what is wrong in your family. He is withholding because he cannot express his negative emotions, in the same way you are as yet unable to express your emotions about your husband, who is a problem.

I'm being blunt because your child is bearing the brunt of this, and he currently has two parents who are unable to acknowledge what they are doing. But out of the two, you are more likely to be able to open your eyes and take a look. But will you?

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 21:38

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 28/04/2023 21:35

Your son's constipation is a symptom of a deeper problem that I can see you're not willing to look at fully yet.

Your son is somatising what is wrong in your family. He is withholding because he cannot express his negative emotions, in the same way you are as yet unable to express your emotions about your husband, who is a problem.

I'm being blunt because your child is bearing the brunt of this, and he currently has two parents who are unable to acknowledge what they are doing. But out of the two, you are more likely to be able to open your eyes and take a look. But will you?

Er no. My son can show negative emotions and does. He also understands and uses words like "frustrated" "annoyed".

He is witholding because he's had some constipation that hurt his bum and now he's scared any poo will hurt. He actually tells us this. He tells me he is scared of it being sore...

OP posts:
Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 21:39

Rosebel · 28/04/2023 21:33

I don't don't have any experience of this but after 10 days does he not need to be in hospital? It's a long time for anyone especially a 3 year old.
Sorry if that's completely wrong advice. I do think you were wrong to lock the door but I think your DH should have left you alone. Surely he wants DS to poo too? Because his actions are saying otherwise and that's worrying.

His longest is 2 weeks. If he was crying out or complaining a lot I would take him to hospital but honestly I'm certain will look tomorrow.
Maybe Ben tonight with the new medication.

OP posts:
TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 28/04/2023 21:40

Veryverycalmnow · 28/04/2023 19:10

I don't think you were wrong to lock the door with you and DS in there, trying to get the job done without being disturbed. DH over- reacted. That was the bad part for me. Smashing a door isn't ok. Even if DS is calling to him. Sometimes they do when the other parent is getting them to do a necessary task and they don't want to do it. It sounds really hard- seems like a long time he's not pooped and that is clearly why everyone is stressed. I think DH was wrong. I think you're trying your best to encourage a poo in a relaxed way. I don't understand people acting like the door locking is a crime.

Agree with this….this thread is insane OP. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your DH over-reacted but he’s apologised. We all do daft things sometimes…you’re human and you were very stressed.

Bulbnotbolb · 28/04/2023 21:42

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 28/04/2023 21:35

Your son's constipation is a symptom of a deeper problem that I can see you're not willing to look at fully yet.

Your son is somatising what is wrong in your family. He is withholding because he cannot express his negative emotions, in the same way you are as yet unable to express your emotions about your husband, who is a problem.

I'm being blunt because your child is bearing the brunt of this, and he currently has two parents who are unable to acknowledge what they are doing. But out of the two, you are more likely to be able to open your eyes and take a look. But will you?

This is an absolutely awful and unhelpful comment.

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 28/04/2023 21:43

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 28/04/2023 21:35

Your son's constipation is a symptom of a deeper problem that I can see you're not willing to look at fully yet.

Your son is somatising what is wrong in your family. He is withholding because he cannot express his negative emotions, in the same way you are as yet unable to express your emotions about your husband, who is a problem.

I'm being blunt because your child is bearing the brunt of this, and he currently has two parents who are unable to acknowledge what they are doing. But out of the two, you are more likely to be able to open your eyes and take a look. But will you?

I think someone’s been reading too much Louise Hay😆

Beseen22 · 28/04/2023 21:45

Agree bladder and bowel specialist nurse referral would be helpful along with some HV input. Gp involved from medical side of things but would be handy to have HV to support behavioural/practical considerations. ERIC is an absolutely wonderful resource. He needs disimpacted following a regime, Google the Bristol stool chart and you want Type 7 stools for 24 hours to know he has had a good clear out. Stimulants like sodium picosulphate are normally added if regime not working after 2 weeks because they can cause stomach cramps which may make the withholding worse.

There is advice on ERIC about what to do if your child is scared of poo. It's incredibly common. Things like letting them see that mummy or a sibling also poops and letting them see what it looks like and how it gets flushed away. I cant see anything around your current routine of trying to increase toilet seat time, it's becoming a battle. You don't want him straining. Perhaps a warm bath or lying down on his left side for some story time might help the peristalsis bring things more south? Poo goes to pool and app is excellent but if its too much pressure then while he is on the toilet, take the pressure off and show him it when he's in a more relaxed position. Can you get his feet up higher around the toilet seat too so they are not dangling? Want knees around 90°.

It must be so incredibly stressful for you both.

Snapdragonsoup · 28/04/2023 21:46

Your DH doesnt sound like he is on board with your approach to this andit is causing problems. You shouldnt need to worry about him coming in and taking the child off the toilet. You DS seems to know that if he cries for Daddy he will get taken off the toilet. That is undermining all your efforts with the games, apps etc. Then you feel the need to lock the door so he doesn’t do this. Now he has smashed the door down. That must have been quite scary for DS and perhaps for you too. Would it work to get him to take responsibility for getting DS to poo and/ or be the one to take him down to A and E andsit there for a few ( or twelve) hours, depending who in the hospital is on strike?

Hiddenvoice · 28/04/2023 21:47

Op as you know you are both in the wrong. Your husband should not have bashed the door in and scared the two of you but he was doing it as he was worried about his child.

sitting for too long has a negative affect. Please go back to your gp for more support and further investigations as your child is going too long and sounds very constipated. Watching videos and keeping him on the toilet for too long will then have a negative affect on him. He will become scared and get upset which won’t help him to relax and go to the toilet. I imagine it’s already painful for him so he won’t want to push as it is.

I am glad you two talked and sorted it out. It’s good you both agree that you both made mistakes tonight and now you can learn from them.

booksandbrooks · 28/04/2023 21:47

We had ongoing withholding issues.
I ended up buying a huge bulk set of figures and bigger items related to DC's favourite show from eBay. I kept one figure on the shelf and they got it when they did a poo for the first 10 poos. Then they had to do 5 to earn a bigger item, then 10 then 15 but they knew it was the last one. I'm not really into reward/ praise based behaviour modification as a rule but was at my wits end.

We had multiple sachets of movicol daily + Ella's kitchen prune sachets. Plenty of fluids and veg.

Tbh it doesn't sound like he was just about to go if he was crying out distressed for your partner and I'd break a door down if someone kept me locked out from my distressed child.

It sounds like things got a bit crazy but nothing that can't be moved passed.

Totally agree about removing the pressure. With the toy thing it was very much about do it or don't don't it, but that little guy can come down off the shelf when you're ready. Do try and get him seen asap. Some great advice on here about nice guidelines etc. please push for a dietician referral too. I have many food intolerances and avoiding certain things makes a life changing difference.

Good luck.

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 28/04/2023 21:48

Also just wanted to say I really hope your son goes soon and gets into a good routine again. It's so stressful for everyone 💐

CockSpadget · 28/04/2023 21:49

Ffs, I can’t believe there are so many comments blaming you OP. Come on people, he smashed the door through! All because a clearly very worried, but good mum wanted her boy to sit a bit longer on the loo!? Complete overboard reaction. Yeah, she locked the door, but she is his mum, he was obviously not in danger.
I really hope your boy is sorted and better soon op.

anyolddinosaur · 28/04/2023 21:49

I feel for you. I doubt those who have never had a poo withholder can understand how desperate you become to help your child.

Laxatives did not work for us. What made the difference was fig biscuits, a much more pleasant way of dealing with the problem (child was still on lactulose at first). I also held my child on a potty for a lot more than 10 minutes while we both cried our eyes out. They had been running around holding themself for some time and obviously needing to go. We had tried the gentler methods for ages, nothing worked. Obviously there was then lots of praise and arent you wonderful type comments. Next time there were no tears, poo came out fairly quickly and after a few sessions they were getting the potty and pooing normally. They moved on to using the toilet quite rapidly.

Good luck, I hope you find something that works.

Nursejackie1 · 28/04/2023 21:49

Telling adults to “use your words”. This horrid patronising and puke inducing phrase is cropping up a lot on these threads. AIBU to wish adults would stop talking to other adults like they are toddlers.

Original poster
Burstdoor · 28/04/2023 21:50

Beseen22 · 28/04/2023 21:45

Agree bladder and bowel specialist nurse referral would be helpful along with some HV input. Gp involved from medical side of things but would be handy to have HV to support behavioural/practical considerations. ERIC is an absolutely wonderful resource. He needs disimpacted following a regime, Google the Bristol stool chart and you want Type 7 stools for 24 hours to know he has had a good clear out. Stimulants like sodium picosulphate are normally added if regime not working after 2 weeks because they can cause stomach cramps which may make the withholding worse.

There is advice on ERIC about what to do if your child is scared of poo. It's incredibly common. Things like letting them see that mummy or a sibling also poops and letting them see what it looks like and how it gets flushed away. I cant see anything around your current routine of trying to increase toilet seat time, it's becoming a battle. You don't want him straining. Perhaps a warm bath or lying down on his left side for some story time might help the peristalsis bring things more south? Poo goes to pool and app is excellent but if its too much pressure then while he is on the toilet, take the pressure off and show him it when he's in a more relaxed position. Can you get his feet up higher around the toilet seat too so they are not dangling? Want knees around 90°.

It must be so incredibly stressful for you both.

Pretty much already do all of this. His feet usually up on my leg or a stool
We have multiple books on poop. Fun ones that we read all round the house. Watch cocomelon JJ going to the potty. We have an open door policy(!) When me and DH go to the toilet. Celebrate when each of us does a poo so he can see it's a good thing.

We just got the Pico tonight so he's had one dose. Will see how it goes. I don't want his tummy to have bad cramps.

Have used Eric website even bought the squishy stretchy poops for him to hold and squeeze. He hates the pooland app now :(

It is very stressful

OP posts:
ThenAgain · 28/04/2023 21:51

Mummynew08 · 28/04/2023 19:18

I'm reading this as you're used to your dh undermining your strategies. I'd never lock my dh out but then he'd never usually undermine something I was trying to do for dd's well being. I understand why you did it and I think your dh was majorly out of order breaking the door down. He was implying that you were seriously harming your son and he had to get to him urgently by damaging the house. You weren't harming him, you were trying to get him to poo (whether or not your method was the best is irrelevant and some commenters are confusing the two issues imo)

I agree with this.

Janch13 · 28/04/2023 21:51

@SquirrellyTheSquirrel @Burstdoor it won’t be his first memory. He may well remember it for a while and talk about it, but a child’s long term memory doesn’t form until around 7yo.

Op I have a poo withholder as well and don’t have any advice (your son’s sounds worse than mine) but you have my sympathy 💐

Onwardsandonwards · 28/04/2023 21:51

These comments are crazy!!! OP is upset and needs support, which thought she might get from a parenting website. OP - maybe you didn’t make the best decision when you locked the door, but it’s pretty awful for your DH to break it down. Surely everyone can see that?? This is the kind of challenge you never under before you have children and it’s sooo frustrating. You have received good advice here relating to the poo issues, pls listen to that instead of the crazed pile-on. Hugs

ThenAgain · 28/04/2023 21:52

Onwardsandonwards · 28/04/2023 21:51

These comments are crazy!!! OP is upset and needs support, which thought she might get from a parenting website. OP - maybe you didn’t make the best decision when you locked the door, but it’s pretty awful for your DH to break it down. Surely everyone can see that?? This is the kind of challenge you never under before you have children and it’s sooo frustrating. You have received good advice here relating to the poo issues, pls listen to that instead of the crazed pile-on. Hugs

Agree with this too.

Onwardsandonwards · 28/04/2023 21:56

ThenAgain · 28/04/2023 21:52

Agree with this too.

Show quote history

Thanks 😃. I once asked for advice on a parenting thing and received the full force of the mumsnet ‘flaming’. I just wanted advice on how to deal with my husband’s different approach to parenting on holiday, but instead received countless comments attacking me quite personally! Even tho MN is anonymous, that is a horrible feeling. In the end I told admin it was identifying and got it taken down 😅