Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

I'm in same boat as many here: intrusive thoughts, absolutely mad fantasies against the backdrop of a good but recently dull marriage, menopause, the lot. I've been quite good at sectioning off the fantasy from the real person I get to see in the office every week but it's got harder, and this week I got absolutely fed up of sitting around like an idiot hoping for some sort of contact. It's not all been bad; I've had that febrile, giddy energy, I've lost a load of weight and I'm looking better than I have for years. But today I've been practising, every time the fantasy rears its head, saying: 'Thanks for everything you've done for me, but I'm letting you go.' Seems less hard than the white knuckle ride of 'I will not think about this' - like I say, I've had a blast with the fantasies, but it's time to stop now.

It's the middle age boredom isn't it? My kids are that bit older now so don't need me to play with them etc, and often in the evenings I just wander about looking for something to do. I've just had a shower because there's fuck all else to do.

At work I'm 'on' and it's go go go and I feel so energised then I come home and it's...oh it's pasta again, and the news, then homework, then bedtime, and put your socks in the laundry basket, and who needs a packed lunch tomorrow.

No wonder we start wanting something that just feels like our own.

Yes! I have this insanely busy life outside home - work, volunteering, gym, all sorts of creative stuff - and then I come home and there's no energy at all, no one talking, no interest. Kids all but grown up, the future looks very quiet, very muted. Don't know what the answer is but it's never going to be the guy at work, is it?

Your libido can soar just as your partners is waning. You're restless want excitement. To misquote miss Jean Brodie "You are in your prime".

Could be your fertility saying cmon one last dance. It's disconcerting but does pass.

I'd say I felt at my most powerful, confident as a woman at this stage of my life

Same. Are men generally more ready to settle into middle/old age? It feels like that to me.

And no, the answer is not Work Guy for any of us. He's a lovely distraction from things, but now it's driving me to actual distraction.

It's worrying when work feels more like home than home. Because work can change at any given moment, then I'm, what, homeless?

I do feel like that anyway though; rootless, homeless, a bit lonely. I have very few friends and that's an issue in itself.

@SaveMeFromForearms Lonely, that strikes a chord. Think the whole fantasising about the guy at work is the search for some sort of soul mate (because a soul mate would magically make sense of it all), when really I should be ringing up a few more friends! And @justasking111 I do feel confident right now - post 50, very few fucks left to give.

I've got one really good female friend who I don't see enough as we are just both busy. Work Guy has really been my best friend for at least a year. It's weird though; I've been able to see him develop feelings for me over the past three months or so. If it's as obvious in me as it is in him then I may as well bloody sky write it.

Where the fuck do I find some fun interesting female friends who want to talk shit and go out for beers and like good music, so I can replace all the things that Work Guy is good for??

We're clearly all hanging out on Mumsnet!

Clearly, and sadly 😆

I'm still struggling with my work guy too. I know he's not the answer. But it's been a over a year now. we got on well, then we stopped talking and tried to ignore each other, until recently we have tentatively started speaking again.
but then I stalked his fb today apparently bang on time of the Facebook glitch 😪

Oh Parsnip!

Just saw a video that said 'a crush is just a lack of information'

I am USING that!!

I find this such an interesting thread.
Is it terrible to feel like this in my mid 30s though?

I got with my hubby young and we've been together 15 years. We've got a small DC.

I don't feel much lust towards him nowadays. I keep fantasising about going on a wild night out aka SexLife style, finding a hottie with big muscles and having a night of passion. Then I think about my hubby with his beer belly and yellowing teeth.

I feel so guilty for it.
I really wouldn't want to break up my marriage though. I love my house, my daughter, financial security, everything really. I just find him a bit 'meh'. It's like that self destruct mode others have talked about.
Feel awful thinking it and just want these intrusive thoughts to go away.

Horrible, horrible situation to be in. Just want to be content with what I have, which is alot !

I’m not actually married, after kids, house renovations etc… we never got round to it and now I’m thinking is there any point if I’m having these feelings!

@Purpleplanet564 I think it depends. Often these feelings aren't based on anything you could really build a life on, they're mostly a symptom of an internal dissatisfaction/unmet need/s. You could either turn towards your existing relationship and breathe life into it by investing good time and attention, and encouraging reciprocation, reignite the spark and lift things out of the humdrum. Express your needs and see if your partner is interested in improving things. Have you just started to take each other a bit for granted?
Or you could turn away from your existing relationship and seek excitement elsewhere, which may or may not take your life in a better direction.

It’s reassuring to read other people’s experiences. I do have a couple of friends I can talk to about this but I don’t think they really understand.

DP was away for his hobby yesterday so I went to the pub and got drunk with a few (male) friends. They are more DP’s friends than mine but I’ve known them for years. Nothing happened but it still felt inappropriate somehow - maybe that’s just because we live in quite a conservative area (not UK) and people will talk. Normally I would have stayed at home but I don’t know wtf I’m doing at the moment.

I think I’m over my crush (he wasn’t there yesterday) though so there’s that.

Beer belly and yellow teeth isn't attractive at any age really, so it doesn't help you keep the phwoargh factor alive. We can all be in situations where our self care dips, but if there aren't any particular circumstances (like overwhelming responsibilities etc) went he isn't looking after himself then maybe a chat about not sliding into bad habits (mutual) might be worth doing. Maybe he's just got complacent. My DH and I are late 40's and we chat about needing to fancy each other and how to keep that going. Or sex life is good.
I am still struggling with unwanted feelings for another though but that's for emotional reasons connected to feeling stifled by certain things in my life, not dh's fault, he's great, so I'd never betray him, still hard though.

@SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox thanks for your thoughts.
I've always felt bad talking to him about his belly. He's definitely got a 'dad bod'.
It's not awful, but he's definitely out of shape.
I'd love for him to have a bit of bulk on his arms, but that's a bit shallow isn't it?

After all, if the tables were turned I'd be offended if he told me I was getting fat (even though I'd agree inside)

Yes I left a happy marriage and regret it. We had a good life together, no money worries, good jobs, older kids. I was bored and embarked on an affair, genuinely thought this guy was my soul mate at the time. Fast forward 1 year and we both walked away from everything, our families think we are single because we don't want to admit what we have done. Truth is I miss everything about my old life and I'd go back in a heartbeat if I could, the grass isn't always greener trust me.

Yes, you don't want to complain about or criticise a loved ones body.
But physical attraction is a thing, as is feeling good about yourself.
It is possible to talk together about those two things with complaint or criticism.
I have spent a long time (10 years ish) out of shape for various life reasons, I know my DH fancies me more when I'm in shape but he's never made me feel bad, he's been supportive of any wishes I had to improve myself and sympathetic to obstacles. His attitude is kind and loving.
I'm just now managing to improve things and we're both loving it. I fancy me more when I'm in shape, I feel more sexy.
Along the way we have had conversations about it, the direction of thought in those chats was about life in general, what we both wished we could do differently, what we missed about when we first got together etc, my less great body wasn't pointed out by him, he showed kindness and curiosity about my point of view which meant of he asked me about changes which had affected my body it was from a position of support not complaint and was about where I wanted to go in future if I could. But being more fanciable and fit was something I wanted so I'm currently making improvements which we are both pleased with.
If I wasn't interested in being fitter (with our without encouragement) then that would be who he was married to and he'd have to take it or leave it, and I'd have to accept our physical attraction might suffer.

My crush has sent me a clear message, he's going to be away a lot as he's seeing someone and wants to be closer to her. He'd never say 'stop msging me' or 'leave me alone ' but by telling me this I can read between the lines. I have to leave him alone.
I need to work on myself & my marriage.
I think I'm lucky my crush wasn't willing or wanting to be with me - I could have blown my whole life up!!
I still keep thinking about him but that will stop, I hope.

@LAMLC2011 please take a look at livingwithlimerence.com
It is SO helpful for these situations. 💙 Good luck.

Sorry if this has already been said but have a look at Limerence - it might shed some light on your feeliings / give you some guidance

That last message was not there when I posted!

Book an adventurous holiday for you and your husband. Something a bit different and fill of excitement. Have lots of candlelit dinners. See how you feel then op.

Lots of love!