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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped via WhatsApp after 4 years!

87 replies

Shockinpink · 25/04/2023 11:35

Absolutely gutted (and angry) and a bit of a WTF to be honest! We have separate homes although for the past two year we've been more or less together 24/7 and although things have been up and down for a while this is all totally out of the blue. He won't meet up to discuss things, he's decided he's not happy and hasn't been for a while and its apparently best for both of us to have a clean break? Just gutted and so upset :( can't believe he wont even meet me or discuss it in person. Who ends things like that? After 4 years. Feel in shock.

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 25/04/2023 11:38

Oh wow that is awful I am so sorry to hear.

LiliLil · 25/04/2023 11:38

What an awful, cowardly thing to do.

You will be in shock, but in time you will see what a lucky escape you had. A decent person doesn’t do shit like that. Be extra kind to yourself, and don’t contact him. Do you have RL support?

Peridot1 · 25/04/2023 11:39

What a total cowardly shit!

Jammallama · 25/04/2023 11:49

That's shocking behaviour, men are utter cowards! At some point he's going to come grovelling back - either to be 'friends' or explain how you drove him to it Hmm. He's obviously shown you who he really is - you are worth so much more - sending solidarity, strength and hugs WineFlowersCake

samestyle · 25/04/2023 11:53

Sorry to hear this but anyway of dumping you would of still would make you feel sad, by phone or in person, from his point of view, in person you would be likely to try and change his mind and it's not working for him, if you've not been getting on then it's a sign you're not in the right relationship, although painful now, it probably is for the best long term, you can't be in a happy relationship being up and down all the time.
My ex husband asked me for divorce by text, incredibly painful at the time but in hindsight he did me a huge favour.

AlexandraJJ · 25/04/2023 11:54

What a coward. My first husband of 9 years did a runner in the night and left me a note. I can laugh now. You deserve better, let him get on with it. Better things in store you you x

Kolakalia · 25/04/2023 11:56

That sucks. Maybe I'm the anomaly though but I prefer being dumped like that rather than in person, as long as we don't have practical ties to sort out like a house together. It gives you the opportunity to absorb and process without being put on the spot and personally I'd rather the other person not know how much it's hurt me. My ex of three years dumped me via messenger while he was staying over at someone else's house and as much as it hurt I don't think it'd have hurt any less in person.

Honestly, if he dumped you in person would that have been any less painful? Probably not. And if he's certain and there's nothing you can do to change his mind it's probably not worth meeting up to do it. I think it'd be a kindness if he agreed to meet up to talk it over in a few weeks maybe for some sort of closure but neither of you are obligated to do that.

Catspyjamas17 · 25/04/2023 12:11

What a coward. Lucky escape.

Doversole7 · 25/04/2023 12:17

I agree that it’s cowardly but the end result would still have been the same and it’s painful whichever way it happens.

MMmomDD · 25/04/2023 12:19

With men and a breakup like this - he most likely lined up someone. It probably started as ‘friendship’ and he’s told her he was unhappy and unloved and relationship was all but over, and of course, sexless. The more he told her that - the more he believed it.
That, coupled with excitement and newness of chase - and you are where you are.

He doesn’t want to deal with possibly being caught out. Or having to deal with his own role in the problems you had in the relationship.
So - there you are.
Sorry.

Irisandillies · 25/04/2023 12:20

Doversole7 · 25/04/2023 12:17

I agree that it’s cowardly but the end result would still have been the same and it’s painful whichever way it happens.

I agree with this, it’s an awful, brutal way to do it, and hugely cowardly but meeting to discuss it won’t change it. I’m sorry.

Irisandillies · 25/04/2023 12:20

MMmomDD · 25/04/2023 12:19

With men and a breakup like this - he most likely lined up someone. It probably started as ‘friendship’ and he’s told her he was unhappy and unloved and relationship was all but over, and of course, sexless. The more he told her that - the more he believed it.
That, coupled with excitement and newness of chase - and you are where you are.

He doesn’t want to deal with possibly being caught out. Or having to deal with his own role in the problems you had in the relationship.
So - there you are.
Sorry.

That’s quite a lot of projection you e done there.

Divebar2021 · 25/04/2023 12:21

Can I just ask why it’s important to pretend we’re not as hurt as we actually are? The whole “ I wasn’t really into you anyway” thing doesn’t fool anyone. Personally I would want someone to know I was hurt - particularly after 4 years. Sorry OP it’s a tough time.

BreviloquentBastard · 25/04/2023 12:22

Coward! Block him on everything and focus on you and your healing.

tribpot · 25/04/2023 12:23

I have to say, my first suspicion was that he's met someone else and doesn't want to face you.

However, on a practical level - having been together so long I assume you have stuff at his house and he has stuff at yours? How is he proposing the 'exchange of the stuff' happens if he won't meet you?

The shock is very understandable, be kind to yourself whilst you process this.

Crikeyalmighty · 25/04/2023 12:25

Unfortunately I don't think there is a good way- whatever way it's hugely hurtful .

I can certainly see why women who are with volatile men who get angered easily and would start throwing things around or squaring up to you go down the non face to face route.

MMmomDD · 25/04/2023 12:29

@Irisandillies

Because it’s a cliche. And happens over and over. This - or some other version of this.
Men rarely just leave because ‘they are unhappy’. Like monkeys they line up the next branch to grab on to.

If there wasn’t anything he was hiding or afraid to reveal - he’d do a decent thing and actually spoke to OP. After 4 years - he owes her at least that.

Spacemonkey2016 · 25/04/2023 12:36

Honestly, what a dick.

In my early 20s, my partner of 5 years dumped me by changing their facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship', with the person they were having an affair with. Awful at the time, but makes for a good 'what a plonker' story now.

He will be loving you asking to meet up to talk about etc, I'm sure of it. Just go cold radio silence and focus on you. Don't give him even the tiniest ounce of satisfaction.

Princessfuckingpeach · 25/04/2023 12:40

What a fucking great big fanny.

I'm really sorry OP.

Irisandillies · 25/04/2023 12:41

MMmomDD · 25/04/2023 12:29

@Irisandillies

Because it’s a cliche. And happens over and over. This - or some other version of this.
Men rarely just leave because ‘they are unhappy’. Like monkeys they line up the next branch to grab on to.

If there wasn’t anything he was hiding or afraid to reveal - he’d do a decent thing and actually spoke to OP. After 4 years - he owes her at least that.

But again, you’re speaking like you know this man. How do you know he’d do the decent thing, he could be a total arsehole or coward. This isn’t a marriage breakdown. They don’t even live together. He is not leaving, he has ended a relationship. She’s his girlfriend.

Kolakalia · 25/04/2023 12:42

Divebar2021 · 25/04/2023 12:21

Can I just ask why it’s important to pretend we’re not as hurt as we actually are? The whole “ I wasn’t really into you anyway” thing doesn’t fool anyone. Personally I would want someone to know I was hurt - particularly after 4 years. Sorry OP it’s a tough time.

I have no issues with sharing hurt with friends etc., but when I've been dumped I see no point to the person seeing how upset I am, it doesn't feel useful and personally it feels a bit undignified. I'd never do the 'well, I didn't want you ANYWAY' or pretend I wasn't bothered, but I'd much rather dissolve into a puddle of tears by myself than in front of someone who is no longer my partner. Just me though.

MMmomDD · 25/04/2023 12:57

Seriously @Irisandillies ?

I contributed my view on what I think is ‘the most likely’ scenario here - using my life experiences. OP is hurting and confused and doesn’t know what is happening.

You can freely add your own opinion on the situation without arguing whose pov is the most correct one.
No?

Iamclearlyamug · 25/04/2023 13:03

@Shockinpink I'm so sorry you're going through this - I do know exactly how this feels as a couple of years ago my boyfriend of 4.5 years and fiance of 1 year dumped me via Facebook messenger - what was worse is he'd got his new girlfriend to compose and write the message!

It's so so hard at the moment for you, especially if you feel you need closure you can't get (I never spoke to my ex again - was blocked on everything) but it does and will get better. Stay busy and take any and all support you can 💖💖