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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped via WhatsApp after 4 years!

87 replies

Shockinpink · 25/04/2023 11:35

Absolutely gutted (and angry) and a bit of a WTF to be honest! We have separate homes although for the past two year we've been more or less together 24/7 and although things have been up and down for a while this is all totally out of the blue. He won't meet up to discuss things, he's decided he's not happy and hasn't been for a while and its apparently best for both of us to have a clean break? Just gutted and so upset :( can't believe he wont even meet me or discuss it in person. Who ends things like that? After 4 years. Feel in shock.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 25/04/2023 19:31

That is just shocking and cowardly and you deserve better. He has shown you who he really is now. It is awful when there is no proper closure and this is something that you may need to talk to someone about as it really is the most difficult to deal with. Be kind to yourself and am sure he will come crawling back but he did deserve to act with decency and like an adult but he is vile. Hope things get better.

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 20:30

OP,

Read the infamous thread posted.

Like that twatty ex of yours, her twatty ex was particularly loving just before the deliberate dumping, absolutely aimed to wound.

She got through this and you will too.

Do not contact him.

Your stuff can be collected by others.

You will survive this and thrive.

GeekyGirl42 · 25/04/2023 22:00

Umm…. it’s like they read a bloody script with this being super loving right before dumping you in the most cowardly way possible. My ex husband did this after 10 years of marriage.

You need to have these words stuck to your bathroom mirror

IT WASN’T ME

When someone behaves like this, it is very much their issues and not anything their partner did.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s so bloody painful. It does get much much much better, I promise.

BackAgainstWall · 25/04/2023 22:26

You’re well rid 💐

There was a thread on here last year where exactly the same thing happened. Like you, she had known him for a fair few years.

The coward had the cheek to try crawling back after a 3/4 months.

coolcahuna · 25/04/2023 22:35

Same happened to me after 2 years. I asked to meet up to talk about it which we had planned and then I just thought, what's the point. Its only going to be hurtful. Never saw him again.
Never looked back to be honest.

Don't give him any satisfaction. Get your stuff back and delete.

Jellifulfruit · 25/04/2023 23:17

🥺❤️

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 23:35

That's really shitty of him OP but it says far about him than you.

Without knowing anything else about him, I can guarantee you you are far better off without someone like that. It's cowardly and disrespectful.

Shockinpink · 27/04/2023 06:10

I think it stings so much because i feel so utterly disposable to him that he thinks its ok to do that after all this time.
Im possibly also in shock too. Ive had breakups before but its ususlly obvious its ending for a while and you prepare yourself for it and have 'the talk' , like i was literally in bed with him the day before and he's all over me and being super sweet, it feels like such a slap in the face :(

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/04/2023 09:53

Shockinpink

I’ll bet
be clear that this is because he is a coward and a very very bad communicator

NOT because he doesn’t give a shit

but I totally get it feels that way

defi · 27/04/2023 09:54

A text is such a poor choice

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/04/2023 10:08

A text after 4 years is disgusting. It shows how little respect he had for you imo. You're better off, even if it's painful at the moment, it will get better. I'm sorry OP.

Eightiesgirl · 27/04/2023 10:25

He'd planned to be in bed with you the day before. That was his last goodbye to you without you knowing it. That's why he was so emotional, because he knew it was the last time but, unfortunately, you weren't in on it. He was having one last time with you. I'd bet anything he's got someone else and I bet she doesn't know he was in bed with you the night before he dumped you. What a rat, you are better off without him. Go completely NC. He'll try to come crawling back eventually, they usually do.

Seaoftroubles · 27/04/2023 10:29

He's most likely had his head turned. A sign can be extra affection beforehand, guilty conscience. If you dont block him he will probably pop up again after a while, they usually do!

Tookeffort81 · 27/04/2023 10:30

Do you or he have children op?

Shockinpink · 01/05/2023 22:50

Sorry its taken me a while to reply, been having some offline time to get my head straight. We've both got grown up kids. Still cant get my brain around the way he ended things and seemed almost irritated that i wanted to at least discuss it like adults. Feels like i didn't know him at all, which after 4 years is frightening. Either I'm stupid or he's hid his callous side very efficiently.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 02/05/2023 07:09

Shockinpink · 01/05/2023 22:50

Sorry its taken me a while to reply, been having some offline time to get my head straight. We've both got grown up kids. Still cant get my brain around the way he ended things and seemed almost irritated that i wanted to at least discuss it like adults. Feels like i didn't know him at all, which after 4 years is frightening. Either I'm stupid or he's hid his callous side very efficiently.

Thank you for the update. Honestly I would have thought he was 23... Am so sorry OP. I make no excuses for him but I think he was frightened to accept responsibility for a decision. Everyone will say be kind to yourself and I hope you are. Sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs.

Mortimercat · 02/05/2023 07:17

Doversole7 · 25/04/2023 12:17

I agree that it’s cowardly but the end result would still have been the same and it’s painful whichever way it happens.

I was dumped by email about twenty years ago, a bit more than twenty years ago in fact. And I have never stopped being angry about that, even though I am a long long time over him. So I don’t agree that it doesn’t matter. It is awful when it ends like that.

Arginalia · 02/05/2023 07:17

Doversole7 · 25/04/2023 12:17

I agree that it’s cowardly but the end result would still have been the same and it’s painful whichever way it happens.

I agree with this. Try to look at it that ending things in person, although the decent thing to do after 4 years, would have been an unpleasant, painful, possibly humiliating conversation with no better result at the end.

Mortimercat · 02/05/2023 07:18

Mortimercat · 02/05/2023 07:17

I was dumped by email about twenty years ago, a bit more than twenty years ago in fact. And I have never stopped being angry about that, even though I am a long long time over him. So I don’t agree that it doesn’t matter. It is awful when it ends like that.

Just thinking I should add, I am not permanently angry about it. I don’t think about it much, but when I am reminded of it, such as when I see threads like this, it annoys me a lot.

ImAvingOops · 02/05/2023 08:01

He doesn't want to have to justify his own outrageous behaviour in sleeping with you the day before!

I also wouldn't be surprised if he had his eye on someone else.

I'd want my stuff back and I'd want his crap out of my house asap, so I'd either get a friend to contact him and arrange it or I'd text him to say you are putting his stuff in a box outside the front door and want him to drop off your belongings and collect his on X date.

Refusing to talk to you is childish and cruel - you are entitled to closure and a message just doesn't give you that! But ultimately, you deserve better than a man who would behave in such a way, so it almost doesn't matter what his reasons are, in the end he's not a person worth having.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 09:28

Seaoftroubles · 27/04/2023 10:29

He's most likely had his head turned. A sign can be extra affection beforehand, guilty conscience. If you dont block him he will probably pop up again after a while, they usually do!

This.

He didn't want to explain himself and has likely chosen to see where it will go.

If it doesn't go to plan, he will most likely turn up with some story of being confused and having a wobble.

Do not entertain him for a minute.
He is a user.

Some men can be brutal.

My friends lovely colleague in school was married 30 years when her teacher husband came home one night and bluntly told her it was over, he no longer loved her, wanted a divorce, house to be sold, no discussion at all.
He was just done.
Absolutely brutal.

They were both retiring in the following 12 months.
She was stunned.

He'd always been selfish and she had raised their children largely alone.
He had lots of hobbies like golf.🙄

They sold their lovely house and garden which was her pride and joy and she found it all very hard.

He of course had met someone 10 years younger and they had a couple of great years holidaying etc.
He never felt the least bit contrite for what he had done and the upset he caused.

She bought a little house and has created a lovely life and garden for herself, but it was hard.

4 years on from their divorce he had a stroke that fortunately was caught early but required some months of rehabilitation.

His relationship hasn't survived this huge change of his circumstances.

Her son started trying to discuss "what to do with Dad" and what would be best for him, and suggested that Mum brings him home 🙄as he needed to be looked after🤨, when he finished rehabilitation.

Her very steely position to her son was that they were divorced 4 years ago, she had barely seen him since, his health difficulties while obviously a huge shock for HIM, had nothing whatsoever to do with HER, and she wanted no part in any discussion as it really was NOTHING to do with her.

Her daughters tried to be more understanding but were also a bit surprised that lovely, kind mum, who has always put everyone first was not prepared to "help out" with Dad.

She had to be very firm with them all.

She accepted HIS sudden decision to end their marriage and the sale of her lovely home and garden, she NEVER burdened THEM with her sadness and shock, protected THEM from it all.

She had absolutely no intention of being guilted by them 4 years after her divorce to become his carer having been discarded the way she was.

They accepted her position and she has stuck to her position ridgedly.

It caused a lot of discussion among her friends as to the unbelievable expectations of some women to suck up awful treatment and still be "kind"🙄.

He has shown you who he is at his core, brutal.
Be glad you know.

yogacushions · 02/05/2023 14:19

@billy1966

that is a very pertinent story ! I can't believe the friends and family thinking she would just go back and be his carer. Outrageous !

@Shockinpink - take each day as it comes, talk to us instead of contacting him. I wouldn't treat my cleaner like that, let alone a girlfriend ! Don't blame yourself, he hid his real nature very well.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/05/2023 14:24

billy1966

Jesus
and good for her
his kids can funking look after him

awful story but impressed with her boundaries

Shockinpink · 04/05/2023 00:12

Thank you so much everyone it really helps venting! I feel like im going mad some days trying to retrospectivley look for signs or red flags seeing as he's giving me next to nothing to work with.

Thats awful! Crazy how we're treated like garbage and then expected to forgive and forget like nothing has happened!

I sent a brief text asking for my clothes etc back.. perfume, makeup too. He replied bluntly saying all my stuff is already boxed up and sitting in his manky mouldy garage! I just thought geez don't hang around!

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 04/05/2023 00:32

Jammallama · 25/04/2023 11:49

That's shocking behaviour, men are utter cowards! At some point he's going to come grovelling back - either to be 'friends' or explain how you drove him to it Hmm. He's obviously shown you who he really is - you are worth so much more - sending solidarity, strength and hugs WineFlowersCake

I’m a man, and I was dumped in a similar way by a woman many years ago.
It’s not just men.