34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

If anything I think it’s wonderful to find out that you have another fully grown person in your family to get to know!

Agreed. Might take some time but she's an adult, it could actually turn out really well.

Because everyone is different and we all process things differently?

Helpful, thanks. I was asking a genuine question about why anyone would be devastated.

I know people process things different but why devastated given these exact circumstances?

I can't understand why the mother of the girl wouldn't have told your husband she was pregnant and wanted child support. Was she very wealthy? Would she have been able to contact your husband at any point in the early years? Is it likely she's just heard that you are pregnant?

OP please ignore the posters who specifically came on a relationships thread to act as though they were in AIBU.
Anyone would be shocked if a secret child suddenly appeared on their doorstep (or another family member's doorstep). Your response is not only valid but normal. It's the reason why there is so much support and literature around tracing parents and trying to manage these types of relationships.
And, of course, it's an added shock at a time when you are emotional, hormonal and heavily pregnant. You assumed this was the first DC for both of you and it now transpires your DH has another DC.
It may help to frame this in terms of an addition rather than a subtraction. Going through your pregnancy with you, accompanying you through labour, decorating a nursery, etc, all those firsts are still firsts for you and your DH. It's just that you might now have another adult family member too. Since you live in different countries, it isn't going to have a massive practical impact on any of your lives. Although obviously it has and will continue to have an emotional one. Your DH should arrange some Zoom calls and organise the relevant DNA tests. He can explain you're heavily pregnant so he won't be able to travel to see his DD at this time. Perhaps he could invite her to visit once the baby is a few months old but with his older DC staying nearby rather than with you all. Simply because a new baby is a big enough challenge without having someone else staying with you.

Presumably this conception would have happened when he was a teen? If he's 10 years older than you, are you actually closer in age to his daughter than you are to him? That would make me feel pretty weirded out tbh.

Your husband may have an older daughter that he didn’t know about , but none of this is her fault, she knows nothing about her potential dad apart from what her mother may have said. She knows nothing about you or your pregnancy. Don’t blame her!

OP - your heading is rather misleading, describing your dh as having another ‘child’
which would have better read, ‘adult child’

FWIW when I asked dh what he would do in these difficult circumstances, his reply was - I wouldn’t do anything, nor would have told you until after our baby was born.

Then suggested reasons for the ‘daughter’ approach at this time - that perhaps one or both parents had died, that someone inadvertently spoke out of turn, that correspondence was seen, that the ‘daughter’ has a child of her own now, which shifts perspectives, who knows.
Dh (thoughtful, kind, empathetic) also opined this will not impact your dh love and care for you and your baby, this is his past, nearly thirty years ago, be calm for your baby.

I would be floored by this! It is lot to take in and I get that it is taking a little bit of the shine away from you having two having what you both thought was your 1st baby.

I think he should contact her, tell her that you are pregnant and he is not able to leave the country to meet her right now but that in a few months when things have settled he could meet her. When you say different countries are we talking somewhere else within Europe that he could do a 1 night or even day trip to? Or is she in New Zealand?

@LoobyLobbyLou sorry if this has been answered but probably through one of those DNA websites.

This exactly.
A 20 yr old woman is entirely innocent in all of this and grew up without her father.

No threat to @Shauna27 at all.

This!

I'm more concerned about your selfish and immature reaction to this news. A 20yr old recently discovered child is not a threat to your marriage unless you make it one. How about giving your husband some positive support instead of a hormonal 'woe is me'

Of course this is a shock but after 20+ years, him prioritising this pregnancy at the moment is the right thing to do.

He can absolutely engage with her via phone and email and a DNA test is wise.

Try not to upset yourself unduly.

He didn't know and therefore there is not a lot he could have done.

That is a long time ago.

She lives in another country and is not going to be living with you.

I would try not to catastrophise this.

Focus on yourself and the baby and the likelihood is this will be another positive in your lives.

I would insist on a DNA test but after that, I think I'd encourage DH to email her, phone her and build up a relationship before meeting. I would be happy for him too! My baby will have a big sister. I think it is great news!

But I know not everyone would feel like I do. Maybe some thunder has been stolen. Maybe there's jealousy. Maybe it's a scam. Maybe the daughter isn't very nice. But, that all might not be true, it might be lovely.

Don't know why people are picking on your choice of language OP. I think anyone - pregnant or not - would feel completely blindsided by this type of revelation. Regardless whether it's rational or not, I think a lot of people would fine it very hard to accept, and yes, would be hurt by it. @Shauna27 you're allowed your feelings even if others think they'd be totally cool with an adult child showing up out of the woodwork.

I would, however, be telling him it's not on for him to be putting the onus of this relationship on your head. He needs to man up, make a decision, and do a bit of additional research into this woman. He can start forging a relationship over the phone if he wants.

I’d be completely appalled by this, and I don’t have pregnancy to blame! It’s the destabilisation of what you thought you knew; the rival claim by a total stranger on your husband’s paternal role; the intrusion of a previous relationship into your own; and the fact that your baby isn’t arriving into the newly created family you thought you were making but a much more complicated blended set-up. I’d find it incredibly upsetting and I’m sorry that people have been so dismissive of your completely natural reaction.

I do think, though, on the question of why the daughter’s mother didn’t contact your husband before or tell her daughter who her father was, that people are overlooking the fact that she was a teenager at the time. Her parents probably went into crisis mode and saw it as their family situation to deal with rather than his - if it was a brief fling in another country, your DH may have come back to the UK and not been easily contactable? It may well not have been her decision alone to make.

I’m sure you and DH will find an appropriate way of involving his daughter in your lives, but I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this now. I hope all goes smoothly with the baby and that this doesn’t detract from the joy of new parenthood for you both.

I hope you’re okay OP.
He needs to request a DNA test first. If, after that comes back with him as the father he needs to explain he will have a newborn baby and obviously can’t leave the country for a while. He could set a meeting date with baby is 4-6 months old for a day or so.

Or she could come to your country when baby is slightly younger, stay in a hotel and maybe spend a bit more time with her dad and his family.

But I wouldn’t make any firm plans until you have a better idea of how birth goes and how baby and you are. He needs to find out the truth and meet her as soon as reasonably possible, but not at the expense of you and the baby.

She is a grown up now after all - she should understand that a baby means this introduction has to be done differently.

Well, she lives abroad. She hasn't asked for anything. He's not going tohave to pay child support or do weekend visits or anything. I can see how it would be a big shock for him and a lot to process....but for you? No, I'm not seeing why you're so devasted or what it has to do with you and your baby, really.

Your dh isn't a victim he could have worn a condom. You act like this is something that has passively happened to him.

With respect you have a high risk pregnancy following fertility issues - everything is going to be amplified right now and will stress you out. That is not to say this isn’t an unusual situation but it isn’t the primary source of your stress. Any issue coming up, and there is always something, would induce disproportionate amounts of stress; particularly as this is your first pregnancy, everything is new and you’ve never been through labour or parenting a newborn before.

Trust that when the baby is born this will adequately increase your ability to cope with stress and manage. It will also make you realise that perfection and movie type scenarios where you and DH have this immaculate new parent experience do not exist. For example whenever you have made the bed or got dressed for a night out and the baby shits or vomits over everything. Or whenever you have been cluster feeding a newborn for 6 hours straight and your nipples feel like someone is cutting them off.

Now to the situation of the potential daughter.

1. No DNA test no proof.
2. She is an adult so there will be limited reduction of financial/emotional physical resources taken from your baby.
3. She lives abroad so will barely be in your life.

I don’t really think this will have any major impact upon your “experience”. You and DH have a new baby coming and that has to be the priority.

If it were me, I would get DH to email explaining he knew nothing of her existence and while he would like to take her word for it, he would appreciate a DNA test to confirm paternity as it has come as a shock. Explain that there is an impending birth of sibling, high risk pregnancy and any further contact would have to take place after the birth when newborn is settled.

If you had said it was a 6 year old child living in the same country then the panic would be valid. But this is an adult for whom he has no financial/physical responsibility that he’ll be unlikely to see often.

The only way it will impact your offspring is that the two may want to know each other as half siblings. And your DH may want to/feel obligated to some money to her in life or leave something in the will. That is for you both to discuss and would depend on whether paternity is established and on the strength of the relationship that follows if confirmed.

Really, besides the timing of the arrival of the news, this will not majorly change your experience currently. Concentrate on your baby and put this business out of your mind until DNA test done. Until then he has no daughter.

Maybe he did. They're only 87% / 98% effective

OP my mum had a relationship with my biological dad during university.
He did know about me but when I tried to contact him when I was in my early 20s, my bio father's wife was adamant that he not have anything to do with me so as not to disrupt her own perfect life with their own children. He's a fairly weak individual so went along with it for 15 years.

Reading your OP, it sounds like you're not going to try and prevent any relationship his daughter may have with him. At this point it's clearly not about child support etc so if nothing else his daughter has some biological curiosity which is completely normal.
This child isn't going to usurp you and your child in terms of pecking order/priority in your husband's life so there's really no need to be devastated. Support him in whatever choice he makes and if he is a good man, hopefully he will engage with the child and it can be a positive thing in all of your lifes.

*lives!

I imagine in time OP won’t feel devastated over this but when something comes out of the blue it can really shock you. So I think the picky comments are just being mean.

Would you like someone to write you a thesis?

@FoodCentre I think @CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes summed it up really well when she said:

It’s the destabilisation of what you thought you knew; the rival claim by a total stranger on your husband’s paternal role; the intrusion of a previous relationship into your own; and the fact that your baby isn’t arriving into the newly created family you thought you were making but a much more complicated blended set-up.

She may not be his. Delay any decisions until the DNA test proves she is who she claims to be.