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Original poster

34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

251 replies

Shauna27 · 24/04/2023 23:12

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 25/04/2023 08:11

I think you both need to take a deep breath. This is obviously a big thing to absorb but it doesn't all have to happen immediately. Obviously at some point he needs to meet her but she's waited 20 odd years so no need for this to happen before the baby comes. He can contact her by phone or e mail and start to make a connection and plan a visit in a few months time. Maybe she could come to you instead of him going to her, he could offer to help financially as it will cost him to go there anyway and it would be less disruptive for you and the baby if he didn't have to travel.

I hope all goes well.

tara66 · 25/04/2023 08:13

Don't know how to say this in the nicest way but this is not really about you in the first instance is it?

MillieMollieMandy1 · 25/04/2023 08:14

I can imagine you are shocked. However when I read the title of your thread I thought the daughter was going to be little so needing his support/financial contribution but she is in her 20's. It's a shock, but life presents shocks and surprises and you will adapt - you might even come to like her!

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:15

tara66 · 25/04/2023 08:13

Don't know how to say this in the nicest way but this is not really about you in the first instance is it?

ooh, I know… you could have just not posted!

op is allowed to use MN to focus on her perspective, that’s what it is for.

Justalittlebitduckling · 25/04/2023 08:17

would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me

Its upsetting because you thought your DC was going to be his first child, and now that’s not the case. And his emotions and thoughts and yours to some extent are being diverted in another direction when they should be focused on the baby.

But this reaction is a step too far, even with pregnancy hormones in the mix. This is hardly going to impact your life very much if she lives in another country. I think you need to try and keep it in proportion. What you have said comes across as very self absorbed.

AgrathaChristie · 25/04/2023 08:20

Try to turn this around , if you can.
The daughter is an adult, independent. Not a child and way past the teenage stage ( believe me, that is something to be glad about) She must have actively looked for your husband and can have a relationship with you as well as her father. Meet her and get to know her as an adult woman and you might like her and get on with her. I speak from personal experience.
Congratulations on your baby, I’m sure all the uncertainty you’ve had in the last few years is also playing a part in this.

FurAndFeathers · 25/04/2023 08:22

MayThe4th · 25/04/2023 07:52

FWIW even the offspring of sperm donors have the right to seek out their fathers so it appears you’re uninformed as well as unkind except the offspring of sperm donors are given that information officially, also, the sperm donor knows that they’ve donated sperm and that said offspring could contact them when they’re eighteen, hence why the number of sperm donors dropped significantly when the law was introduced.

So?
none if that means that this child does not have a right to seek a relationship with her father.
it’s irrelevant, and posters encouraging adults to walk away from their parental responsibilities and abandon their children are grim.

if the DH didn’t want to risk a child, he should very likely have taken more responsibility for contraception/abstinence when he was younger.

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:26

“and posters encouraging adults to walk away from their parental responsibilities and abandon their children are grim. “

I haven’t seen a single poster do this. Most have said he should be in touch, take it slow, DNA to check. Well, most not being arsey to OP.

TeapotElephant · 25/04/2023 08:27

I get pregnancy hormones but to say you would prefer someone didn’t exist because it’s stealing your joy is just horrendous.

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:32

Christ. If op had said “I wish DH had worn a condom for this fling” would you be so judgey of her words? Cos that would also have meant this person didn’t exist.

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:33

I stop people existing a lot, by being on the pill.

Pr1mr0se · 25/04/2023 08:34

That moment has not been totally stolen from you, it's not the girls fault. Your husband may or may not be her father. He should get a DNA test, so everything is certain. He needs to decide what contact to have after the result comes in which would likely be after your baby arrives. Whilst I appreciate that this news has been shocking and stressful, you really aren't the focus of this situation despite the terrible timing for you. You don't sound very sympathetic to this girls situation, she may have just found out too.

TeapotElephant · 25/04/2023 08:35

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:32

Christ. If op had said “I wish DH had worn a condom for this fling” would you be so judgey of her words? Cos that would also have meant this person didn’t exist.

Yes I would be, it’s the same damn thing? It’s utterly selfish to wish a person hadn’t been born in this instance.

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:37

meh. I think you are wrong and unkind @TeapotElephant

have a good day

SamPoodle123 · 25/04/2023 08:38

Uh, the obvious thing is take a paternity test before any thought or further action taken. He might not be the father.

FurAndFeathers · 25/04/2023 08:40

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:33

I stop people existing a lot, by being on the pill.

And you think that’s the same as wanting to remove a 20 year old adult from existence?

rainbowstardrops · 25/04/2023 08:40

I wouldn't rush things too quickly if I were your DH. He doesn't actually know he's her father.
If her mother has only just told her then why did she contact a family member and not him directly?
I'd start with an email and take it slowly from there.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2023 08:41

I'm hurt by the timing of it all!?

But she couldn't possible know about you or that you are pregnant.

I appreciate it's a shock but stop making this all about you. Your DH needs to get a DNA test done and go from there. Does it really make a difference it is before or after your baby is born? Will take weeks for the DNA results to come back anyway.

justasking111 · 25/04/2023 08:42

I would ask your husband to wait until after the baby is born and you are both safe. Then he can explore DNA etc.

It must have been a shock to the young woman too

This happened to a friend her husband found out when the child was 16. Long before he married my friend. Yes it was a shock. They have all met and it went fine so try to put it out of your mind for now

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:43

FurAndFeathers · 25/04/2023 08:40

And you think that’s the same as wanting to remove a 20 year old adult from existence?

Show quote history

Of course that’s not what OP meant! She wishes this situation had never arisen. I might wish that a poorly relative could die and end their suffering, doesn’t mean I’m on to my local hitman to sort it.

this thread is cruel to OP, who is in a tough situation and looking for support, not checking her every word.

good luck op, take the good advice and ignore the snipers. Hiding thread now

ittakes2 · 25/04/2023 08:43

People can't help their feelings - its ok to feel the way you do. But I urge you to be aware you can make a decision about your actions. You already feel protective towards this baby - that's what being a parent is and your partner is potentially a parent to this woman - who despite being an adult still needs her feelings considered as she could be related to your child whether you like it or not. Reject her now and she will likely remember that her 'father' pushed her away because he was having another child and she might not reconnect again and your husband might blame you. No one is saying you can't understandably be shaken by this - but when the dust settles his woman is not even in the same country as you. Why not let your husband reach out and get the ball rolling for a DNA test as this might be an non issue if this does not come back positive.

TeapotElephant · 25/04/2023 08:44

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 08:37

meh. I think you are wrong and unkind @TeapotElephant

have a good day

I think it’s MUCH more unkind to wish a whole human being didn’t exist because it’s taking your joy away.

Flip your thinking. Imagine how that woman must feel? Just finding her dad? And there’s a woman wishing she didn’t exist? Put yourself in her position.

To wish she had never been born is extremely unkind. But sure, go off at me for voicing it.

Catspyjamas17 · 25/04/2023 08:45

It must be a shock (particularly with pregnancy hormones) but it looks like there is no dishonesty involved on the part of your DH. She's an adult so it's not like he will have to take care of her or pay towards her upbringing. As others have said a paternity test would be a good idea first. Then if he is her father I'd advise him to drop her a line with his contact details and see if she would like to contact him, leave it up to her.

luckylavender · 25/04/2023 08:45

Beginningless · 24/04/2023 23:19

I can imagine how shocked you must both be. But I have to say I don’t really understand you feeling pain about this, I mean this kindly - why is this painful to you?

Really? Are you usually this lacking in empathy?

Rainpuddle · 25/04/2023 08:46

You're being ridiculous.

The daughter has done nothing wrong.
Your husband has done nothing wrong.

It's about them but somehow you've managed to put yourself and your overreaction at the heart of this.

Support your husband in meeting his daughter, you never know, you might even like her!

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