34 weeks pregnant and we just found out he has another child

[Shauna27]

My husband and I have been together 6 years and we're expecting our first child next month. I'm so happy to be pregnant as it was a difficult journey to get to this stage (multiple miscarriages and rounds of ivf) but my whole world came crashing down yesterday when he received a call from a relative of his to say that a women had contacted them claiming he was their father.
I cant even believe I'm writing this, it doesn't feel real.

This women is in her late 20s (she would have been conceived when my husband was very young and also there is a 10 year age difference between my husband and I). My husband doesn't know what to do with moving forward. He wants to do whatever I feel ok/comfortable with as he said his first priority is me and our baby. I just feel like the world has come crashing down on me and now I carry the burden of deciding how he should proceed with this. I'm obviously very fragile emotionally given the circumstances, and would prefer that this girl never existed because of the pain it creates for me, but at the same time, I would never deny my husband the right to connect with his daughter nor her the right to connect with her father. It just hurts so much that the timing of this is literally weeks before my baby is due and it feels like the joy of that moment is being stolen from me because I have to deal with this situation. I've just come on here for some advice and maybe a way to see this in a positive light because I really don't want to feel so sad in the lead up to my baby being born, it makes me feel so guilty for my baby.

Just to add, my husband isn't even entirely sure that he's definitely the father as this happened many years ago after a very short fling and the women he had the fling with never contacted him regarding a pregnancy and there would have been literally no reason she couldn't have as he would have been supportive of whatever she wanted to do. My husband is completely floored by the news too. Any advice would be really helpful! Thank you in advance.

OP, we have had a similar situation in our family, my BIL fathered a child in his teens while abroad.
Later in his life he settled down with another woman in the UK and they had a baby.
That's when the information broke about the other child. I am not close to my SIL, she put on a very brave face, but I can imagine how she felt. Her new baby had a sister that she knew nothing about.
It later became apparent that the "secret child"- by then almost an adult was known about by a number of family members, all keeping the secret from the new wife.
Not only that but my FIL had been sending regular support for the secret child's education and medical bills ( she and her mother lived in a poor developing country). So the "secret" was kept by many family members.
Then the secret child had moved to a European country to attend university, my SIL - with her new baby demanded that he cut off all ties with his first daughter despite her asking her father to visit, and trying to visit him in the UK - she couldn't get a visa to enter the UK.
My BIL travelled a lot with work, including Korea, China, Pakistan, Middle East, and turns out he had plenty opportunity to visit his secret daughter.
My BIL died unexpectedly when his new daughter was 4 years old. Unravelling his financial affairs found a lot of money had been sent to the secret daughter, including taking out significant large loans - again sent to the now young woman.
OP it must be a shock, and I only tell this story to point out that other families have complications.

In your case I would do a bit more digging.

How sure are you that your OH didn't know?
How would a family member of his know but not him?
How did the woman get contact details? Have they been in touch for a while?
Given that he would have been supportive to his pregnant girlfriend what reason would she have to keep it a secret?
Why is this information coming out now?
If the girlfriend didn't want support for herself, then why not for their child?
Was she wealthy?

Did she think your OH was not a good person to include in her child's life- even if they parted?

Women rarely keep news of a pregancy from a child's father unless there is reason.
If the man is abusive/unlikely to be able or want to pay support/perhaps abscond with the child.( no suggesting any of that is the case, just wondering her motivation).

In you position I would want full disclosure OP.

Firstly congratulations on your baby OP. I had a similar journey to get my DD and I think my history combined with pregnancy hormones made me massively emotional as I was due to give birth. I don’t mean to sound patronising but do you think pregnancy hormones could be enhancing your reaction to this news. I understand this situation adds a dimension to life you could do without as you are just about to give birth but I’m struggling to understand why you feel ‘pain’ and think that’s am over reaction. Focus on your baby and put this on the back burner until you are in a place to deal with it. Your DH needs to own this do he shouldn’t be putting the decision on you, even if he means it with the best intentions.

If only feelings were controlled by being right or wrong.

This.

it’d a change for sure but not the earth shattering/bombshell you seem to think just now x

And OP- I completely understand how this must be painful for you X
It can be resolved I am sure but you need time to process this.

OP, deep breaths. Shit happens.
This young woman was conceived so long ago that her existence is no threat to you or your baby, and should have very little impact upon you.
Unless he actually knew, and just didn't say, of course.
But if he was really unaware, the two of them should get DNA tests to check (if they both join Ancestry, it's easy!)
Going forward, it's possible your baby will have a lovely half-sister to enjoy a good relationship with.
When you get over the shock, this might not be a problem at all.

What is shocking is your thoughtless post and poor comprehension

Really? Are you usually this lacking in empathy?

I also don't understand why this is painful, truly. Shocking. Confusing.

Why the heck would it be painful, op must have been very young when this woman was even conceived- decades before she met her DH.

The woman wants to know her father and contact him. There's no indication of anything else and even if she did want more, what's the issue? She's just a woman who's reaching out to her father.

So it is confusing but how is it painful? He hasn't betrayed her, he had no idea. There's no possible overlap with timings.

You seem to be quite articulate OP but I was confused by the first post. You wrote “women” multiple times, which is plural, meaning more than one woman. I thought he’d been having multiple affairs.
You mean woman, one woman.

All I can think is how old is your husband if he has fatheted a child who is now late 20's and due a baby with you?
Not helpful I know

Yes you’ve saved me a reply! I’m not lacking in empathy no, and of course I understand this is a huge shock. But hurt and pain as emotions around this I don’t get.

Once op said a bit more about anxiety that he may want to travel in the last weeks of her pregnancy - that I can understand. But this reads as if another woman has been discovered. If anything I think it’s wonderful to find out that you have another fully grown person in your family to get to know! Of course it’s ok for him to delay meeting her until after your baby is born, and build up their relationship remotely until it suits your family.

OP - as she is in her late twenties, this is not a girl but a grown woman possibly with children of her own, making your husband a grandfather of course.
Big shock for you, wonder why your husband told you just yet, but for your own and baby’s sake be calm, this woman is no threat, awful timing, stoicism essential here.
Good luck with the baby, all will be well !

Let's say the daughter is 29 and the father was 18, that makes him 47 and the OP 37. Only guessing of course.

OP I am surprised at some of the responses you have received.

This news must be really shocking and difficult for your DH to process and by extension also for you. It would be tough at any stage but the timing is particularly bad given your difficult pregnancy.

I think you both need to take time to deal with the situation but also try and think about what your DH's daughter (and her mum?) will be feeling too.

Hopefully it will prove to be a positive development for you all over the long term. But right now take care of yourself, don't make any hasty decisions or say anything you may come to regret later.

Mid to late forties probably. The maths is not that hard. Something like 28+18 would do it. And then if OP is ten years younger she’d be mid to late thirties. Nothing the least bit unusual about any of the ages.

How can some of you say this is not a big deal? It's a massive discovery whether or not OP's husband knew about this child or not and OP has every right to feel hurt, confused, every emotion she's feeling is absolutely valid. Let's see how some of you would feel finding out your partner has a long lost child. Smh.

I understand this is a bolt out of the blue and it takes the shine off what was until now, the birth of both your firstborn.

Your husband though, is somewhat unimpressive. Why is it up to you to decide whether he does/not acknowledge 'his' child? Surely the right thing to do now is get a DNA test and proceed from there.

Unfortunately, this genie is now out of the bottle, so I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and that this is all resolved soon.

All of the above.

And Dear Op, please take care of yourself and try not to get too stressed

Hugs

No idea why you're getting so much flack, of course it's going to be a shock that your DH has an ADULT daughter just before you are about to have your own. Completely understandable to feel as you do, what a shock. You know nothing about her, take it slow. They can meet, in person or online, there may be a connection and they can build a relationship but there's every chance they unfortunately won't keep in touch. It can be hard to develop close family relationships as an adult. Different situation but I met my sister I didn't know I had when we were both in our 30s. She was lovely but we had nothing in common and very different backgrounds. There was no animosity but we never met again 🤷 xx

Eh? You have absolutely no idea, what are you talking about?

Why devastated? About what, specifically? Because I'm not getting the extreme reaction. Shocked and maybe unhappy, but why devastated.

Because everyone is different and we all process things differently?

I can see you are shocked but this isn’t a child we are talking about, which brings many, more complications about access, maintenance etc. It’s an adult and it’s just bad timing.

Your dh needs to communicate that he’s happy to see her etc but that he needs to get the birth over and the baby settled etc before he can travel to see her. If he words it compassionately then I’m sure she will understand. Just park it for now, further than exchanging a few pleasantries.

This could even enrich yours and your child’s life if all goes well.

I think you are in shock. It’s not up to you to decide what happens when you are probably feeling emotional/hormonal. Your husband needs to take the responsibility back. There doesn’t need to be a rushed decision. But a first step for me would be a dna test. As she is an adult it doesn’t affect your child in a way another small child would. If she wants to know her father I think it’s only fair to let her.