Left out of a holiday with friends, help to move past it

[CallHerJohn]

This is pretty lame but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable so looking for advice.

I have two local friends, who have kids the same age as mine. We tend to meet up all together, have a group chat with the three of us, and the only reason we'd be without one of us is if the 3rd one is working or not around for some reason - generally we invite each other and/or our families when meeting up.

Last week the two other families went on holiday together. I only found out a few weeks ago after asking what one of their plans were over the Easter break. She sheepishly said her family were going away with the other family. I didn't really react, even though I was a bit hurt not to be asked. It's so silly isn't it? I'm a grown woman, but it feels like all those school days feelings of not being included have come right back.

We have a little baby (the other families have two dcs each), so maybe they thought we wouldn't be able to come or want to, but it would have been nice to be asked i guess? Or maybe they just didn't want us to come. Which hurts to think about.

I was ditched by my group of friends at the end of primary school (I never found out why), and ever since it's given me a bit of insecurity around relationships, so this plays right into my anxieties.

I will be seeing these friends regularly at the school gate, activities and socially (i hope?) and I guess I need to have some help to get over this and just move on so it doesn't affect the friendship. Like a mantra to tell myself? Or something?

But why ask? they won't be honest. They'll say 'oh we didn't think you'd want to with a baby, we didn't think it would be your cup of tea' or any other excuse. They won't say 'we just wanted it to be us sorry'.
The op just needs to shrug it off, meet up with other people and let it go.

Yeah it's understandable why you'd feel upset. I would too, it plays on your mind. I think sometimes just mentioning it lightly can really help to understand why they never asked. They've probably got a good explanation and it can also just clear it out for the next how many years you will see them. If you don't ask i think itl leave a negative feeling with u when ur around them. Just clear it out. Id say i felt confused why you wouldnt offer me. If they're funny about it i think id scrap the friendship if the kids want to play thats fine but i wouldnt invest into the friendship with the mums.

It was very rude of these friends.

you can ask them quite casually why you were not invited?

hey I hope you guys had a great time on your holiday?! Just pondering is there any reason we didn’t get invited? It no problem but just wondering thanks :-)

@CallHerJohn Personally I would need to know why my family and I weren’t invited, and would want them to know they’d hurt me (and my child!), despite hating conflict. You deserve to know.

I would would say something in person or on the WhatsApp group, like “I’m afraid to say that I am feeling really quite hurt that we weren’t included or invited to the holiday you’ve all just been on, and so is DD. Can you put our mind at rest please and tell us why?”

Unless they had a very acceptable reason to completely exclude you from the first discussions (and I cannot imagine what that would be), then I’d never really be able to trust the friendship going forward. Friends don’t hurt friends, and unless they are both morons they will absolutely have known it would hurt you to exclude you.

If they're all over your baby and very involved and indulgent when they see you, maybe they felt they couldn't/wouldn't want to be like that on a break - but don't know how to be any other way with a baby - and that's why (?)

They're still immature shitty people though.

Exactly!! Who wants a baby on a trip, and I say this with a baby. I can't believe you can't see why your friends might want a baby around, and why you are making such a big deal about this, a baby on the trip would change the whole holiday.

Yeah a crying baby in the middle of the night doesn't change the dynamic at all ... 😅

Agree completely, if friends are this high maintenance and you need to consult with them over everything why bother. Friendships are meant to be enjoyable!

I'm trying (by irony, clearly failed ) to help you see the other side of the coin.

Two friends decided to go on holiday together. They are free agents.

You are not the centre of the universe; it's not about you.

Which wouldn't matter if they are in separate rooms.... yeah I'm sure they didn't invite her for her own sanity 🙄

Ok I’ve got to add my opinion here! So I’ve got similar friendship group dynamics and I could never imagine leaving one person out without even a cursory sounding out of if it sounds like the fancy it?
it’s kind of rude and exclusive! It’s fair enough if you were a larger group of friends but a three that was fairly equal in dynamics is not ok.
I would actually sit them down and say something along the lines of:
’Guys I just need you both to know I’m feeling a bit sad and left out about the holiday situation. I totally recognise that you have no obligation to invite me and we are not joined at the hip but also as my friends I need to be honest with you and let you know how I’m feeling. So now I’m left feeling a bit insecure in our friendship and wether actually I’m just a tag a long friend rather than an equal valued friend? If there are reasons why you didn’t want us along as a family I would really want to know even if it’s painful so that I can go forward in honesty and evaluate that?’

I would be light but firm but not defensive or combative.

Maybe you missed my update post, it was separate accommodation so not really an issue if my baby was up in the night. Hth.

What does that mean, that's is now acceptable to drop someone just because they have a baby?!
She's not dropped. They are still friends.
You don't have to do every single activity together as friends, especially if there is a mismatch.
Sometimes the mismatch is because of babies, other times it can be different reasons.
There was a brief window when me and my friends were at the same stage, that is working and having adult kids. However there is a split again and some have retired, some have grandkids and some have retired and also have grandkids.

In our group people meet up or go away with the best fit and wouldnt check in with another friend if it is OK. Why would we? You just do what works. I went away with my closest friend for years but this year she is going away with our other friend and they are taking the grandchildren. She didn't tell me that we were t going away, I'm going with someone else instead.
You couldn't pay me to go with children anyway! I wouldn’t go if there was a baby there either!

This is exactly how I feel. I'm not sure i could go through with saying it though and keeping my dignity, or any sense of equality in the friendship. I'll think on it.

Don’t say anything. It would be utter cringe and they are not going to tell you the truth anyway.

Well I wouldn't want the room next door!

I'd be first and foremost interested to help my kids remain friends with their if they love each other is much. Are they all at school together? if yes, ou have years of this ahead of you, you need to detach yourself and try to not react like the 11 year old who was left by her friends.

Any award talk about why you weren't invited will probably lead to your dc not being included in playdates, parties in the future etc because they expect that you will make an issue of things and are hard work. I would never ever have the expectation of whole group activities at all times and would distance myself from people who do. But I am not a big group type of person.

Not sure if you replied to wrong poster - I was agreeing with you! It wouldn't make a difference to them

Seriously? You would exclude someone from a holiday just in case you got the room next door to a baby?

Seriously? You would exclude someone from a holiday just in case you got the room next door to a baby?
I would!
My days of being round a baby (and toddlers for that matter) are well and truly over. I dont want to go back to sharing my holiday time with babies around.
I'm not the only one that thinks like this either!!

Not a particularly great friend then are you 🙂

Are you sure the older girls get on as well as you think? My DD has two close friends and they're all great girls but in all honesty the two other girls are closer to each other than they are to DD; she will always be the one left out if they're a 3. As much as I like both families, I wouldnt go on or organise a weekend away with all of us because my DD would end up (subtly) left out and it wouldnt be that enjoyable. I would feel comfortable going away with one of those families, but not with both - could that be what has happened here? OR they've recognised that their kids are closer? Either way it doesnt sound like anything you have done wrong. Completely agree they should've gone about it more transparently but people are crap at communicating awkward stuff like this.

one thing I’ve learned is you just can not invite everyone to everything.

this wasn’t done to hurt you. It’s just this trip didn’t work to include you. In the future you might be included and the other family not.

Same, I’ve done it through gritted teeth for family but unless they were my absolute best friends in the world, no fucking way am I going on holiday with someone else’s baby or toddler. It would totally affect what my older child was able to do on the trip too if everything was having to be organised around being baby/toddler friendly.

I will admit to not RTFT but did check OP's answers. Is there possibly a mismatch of finances at all/or spending expectations? They may want to eat out all the time and may know that you wouldn't be able to afford to do that and would want to self cater hence changing the nature of the break. If that is the case they may have decided to go together and without you so they got the break they actually wanted?